He bought me a ring today, I collect them you see.
I think it was like a promise, a token he wants to be with me.

Then he got me a knecklace a ruby red stone
Matches my dress for prom, no one will be left unshown.

Then

Then he bought the ring.

The ring you see? It was a large diamond surrounded by little ones. You should have seen my face filled with coyness

But how did you feel you ask?

Marvously joyous..

Loving you unconditionally
That’s where I like to be

I’ve had the ride of my life with you
You made sure I always pulled through

You made the hard times better
And if I was cold, you’d cover me with your sweater

You made the bad seem good
Said it’s like a man always should

You made me laugh when I was down
Even when I felt fat trying on a beautiful gown

You make my heart soar
As if we could dance forever on life’s floor

Collin, you’ve made me the girl I’ve always wanted to be
Collin dear, you’ve went and made me feel pretty

I love you.

That when I get to the edge
It’s your fault.
You won’t let me be
You won’t let me breathe
Or leave
Or do anything.

But now you know, when this all ends
It’s your fault.

Loving you is like being on fire
It’s like having a flat but not knowing how to change a tire
It’s like going on a car trip
Not knowing you get car sick
I just wish that you could understand
Maybe, you’re not ready to be my man
Maybe just maybe you’re still in a faze
Locking with other girls gazes
Maybe it’s possible you can’t be loyal
You grabbed my throat and shaped me as if I were foil
Do you even know what you’ve done
No you don’t, because your new life has only just begun

It’s been two years
Two Christmas’s
Two Birthdays
Two Horrid days

It’s been two years
Yet I can’t seem to let you go
Won’t it be a little nice to move on?
Don’t you think that’s something I deserve now?
To move on?
To be okay?
Well, roger that.
Kelsey, out.

I feel a lot better
When he’s holding my hand
Not my waist
Or by my belt band

But he treats me well
He treats me like a queen
I man I want to marry
A man I want to be

What kind of paradise am I looking for,
When I’m rich in love, and wealth I am poor?

My mind is so ******* empty,
But I remain to be one of the friendly,
Acting as if there is nothing wrong,
But, really my arms are my way to play this sad song.

Hurry up and tear me up,
I’m slowly waiting for death….yup.

Sometimes when I sit in airports
It ignites my passions
It’s like all of the laughs and sorts
Come down crashin

But when I see all the places I could go
I can’t help but excite
I think of all the things I’ll know
I look at the plane and see my light

I think I fell in love
With all this sky up above

As I sit here in Texas, Cedar Creek
It’s so hot, not even a leak

But all the people oh so friendly
The smiles they give are always free

Some likes the cowboys and some are longhorns
Texas is much different than the state of corn

They have Goodwill’s much bigger than you dream
With rows and rows of clothes, WITH  ATTATCHED SEAMS!

They have a Cowboy Church that welcome you in
Don’t fret or judge when you can’t make it back again

When they say everything is better in Texas
You should see what we eat for breakfast

I cannot wait to start a life here
Texas is now my home, with a Shelby always near.

Familiar faces
Turn into hatred

But what can a girl do
When you cheat on her too

What can you do when familiar faces
Turn into hatred?

Sometimes I look at the stars and see my future.

Just four days and it will be one year since you left this world without me.

You left the world in the worst way.

I’ll be okay.

I know that’s easy to say.

That’ll be my for real, real life, worst day.

Now, I just got to make it til your birth day.

Could you imagine a pain so deep down inside
That it can not be summarized in words you simply can write
A pain that touches your toes and up to the top of the ceiling
You can't eat, you can't sleep, that is the pain that I am feeling
But these different circumstances has got me feeling alone
All the doctors say you’re dead and gone
But it still feels like I could talk to you if I picked up the phone
You can't fix a broken window you just replace the pane.
But there is no pain great enough to replace your face
With my eyes matted shut from the tears that I slept on
I thank God for the pictures and your voice mails on my cell phone.
But please, while you are awed in the mist of the Lord
Don't forget all your friends and time spent on this world.
I will never have a friend like you ever again.
My heart is a vault now, I'm scared to let people in.
No matter how many oceans or rivers I cry
My heart will never let you go, I'll never say good bye.
A lot of my hours are now spent in the place where you lay
As I sit crying, wondering, who would you be today

So I met this boy
And it’s like he puts color in my world

Can I just say he brings me joy?

So I met this boy
And it’s like someone finally gets me

Can I just say he makes me happy?

So I met this boy
And g-d **** he makes me shiver with ease

Can I just say he makes me smile?

So I met this boy
And I think I like him.

When you see two people looking into each others eyes, not flirting, or creepy
Just looking
And you think, that is love.

When you see them with pressed foreheads together but with eyes closed
But not kissing
And you think, that is love.

When you see them smiling at each other
And holding hands and laughing
But not flirty
And you think, that is love.

And so I think, that is love.

I’m feeling sleepy

You dare tell me I don’t know how it feels to be low?
I could have saved my best friends life.
I could have saved my own.
I could have helped my sister.
I could have seen my dad before it was too late.
I could have tried make amends and not get beaten.
I could have saved my brothers bruisises for another day.
I could have done so much more
But instead I am here filled with guilt.
So don’t you dare ******* tell me I don’t know how it feels.

I have a paper heart
In which you will forever part

But see

This stupid heart of mine is in a rut
I try to reach but it turns to paper cuts

People don’t need water to drown
You need someone to always put you down, but in that case, I’ll get you a crown

I do want you to know I tried
I even held a smile while I cried and cried

While I’m in my pain fill hut
My fingers get sore from all these paper cuts

The moment you are about to quit

Is normally the moment near short of a miracle

I have died when I stopped breathing

And the other was when you said my name for the last time

Why is that I like to be alone
But get sad when people don’t notice?

Clean my windows,
Clean em' good
Clean them just like I know I should

Scrub my windows,
Scrub the red
Scrub away my tissue head

Dry my windows,
Dry them clean
Then just pretended you didn't **** me..

We snuck to your house every day between lunch

I snuck into your bedroom while you were using the lou

You had told me time and time not to go in there

But as I walked in, it was neat and a picture of you and I by your bed I had given you

A clown mask lay on the floor, I shivered, and assumed that’s why you had said no going in there

I felt your hands lower on my back

I said “I was just curious, I didn’t touch..”
But then you kissed my neck, and I melted into your warmth of your stomachs against my back

Your hands then crept up my shirt but just before you got to my breast, you whispered “it’s because I know I couldn’t control myself”

I turned and looked into your brown warm eyes as I grabbed your wrist and raised it to my breast as I watched your eyes beg me for more.

“I need gentle” and you grabbed me by the waist and said you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You pressed me into your blue checkered bedding

You traced my mouth with your tongue and it felt like poetry

I moaned and I watched as you were getting aroused and hard

I felt my hands up your shirt and tickling the scars I’ve kissed softly a hundred times before

You sat up and took off your shirt and resumed your hands to the bed aside me

But I felt them creep up my shirt as you made me moan with your kisses to my neck

I took my shirt off and watched your face as you admired my figure and then look me in the eyes adoringly

Once again, I melted

I pressed your hard groin against me and wrapped my legs around you

You grinded against me as we fiercely kissed as though we wouldn’t see each other again

I felt you pull away as you unclapsed my bra and

You started ******* my ******* and I twisted and played with your shirt soft brown hair

You licked around and around and I felt your arousal growing like my love for you
You licked and kissed down my stomach

I felt you looking at me as you were silently asking for permission

I ****** my hips towards you as a blessing

You slipped your fingertips in between my skin and the **** fabric separating us

I shuddered as you slid my pants down me with that sheepish smile

I watched you glance at me and back towards your true focus

My hands went straight to your hair as you began drawing the alphabet in between my legs with your tongue

I found my breathe quickening as you smirked into me

I couldn’t help but moan a slightly pubescent child moan when I finally hit my reaching point and you ate it up just like a child

My hands tracing all parts of you with my wandering fingertips as I’m begging you

You take your masterpiece and tease it against me as your are blowing hot air into my ear and I’m thrusting my hips begging you into me and you keep pulling away smiling and teasing

Until finally I give him a sheepish grin and he pressed into my slowly and groans

He begins to come in and out of me and I’ve never felt more safe and secure
He’s asking me if I’m okay and if he needs to go slower

And in return I push him into me harder
He thrusts harder and deeper
And harder
And deeper

And then he is laying beside me panting
And we kiss
And talk

About how he’s never been asked to go slow, but he likes it
And he’s glad he could do it with me
And how I’m his one and only

And he pulls me into him until we’re spooning in his blue checkered bedding

Skin to skin

While I stare at the picture of us in his bedside table and think

This is perfect.

If you are a suicide survivor
Inbox me your name
And I’ll add it to my tattoos of others

You guys mean the world to me
And I have my own name on my arm
Because I too, am a suicide survivor.

I cannot do this.
No longer am I proud to be me.
Instead, I’m ashamed.
Once again, hello shame.

Once upon a daylight rising, in a school, slowly despising,
On the test over sounds of tap tap taps of pencils by analyzing eyes--
While I was slowly dozing off, and I was gazing up at the clock,
As if my head was sounding, pounding a tick tick tock,
Tis some some test “I muttered,” tick tick tock
Oh this stubborn clock


I distinctly remember the days quite longer and our eyes no more stronger,
I sit while I ponder, ponder as my eyelids look to yonder--
While my eyes begin to close, the horrid sounds comes to impose,
My eyes drift to that clock as it sounds the same tick tick tock,
As it sounds the same tick tick tock
Oh this stubborn clock

visitation
funeral
friends talk behind your back
uncle gets in a fatal crash
visitation
funeral again
getting dumped
feelings of alone
school
pictures of "your" body floating around
laughing
names
brothers sick
worry
anxiety
all over depression

I am not the problem.
My whole life was... IS a mess.
Continuously molested at 2-4 years old.
Taking care of her kids whom had become mine.
Making sure my mommy is not dead but passed out.
Babysat by my mom's multiple 'boyfriends'.
Taken to a new home full of yelling laughing older boys.
But I kept going!

At 5 I am welcomed into a great home where I finally open up to my grandma.
Spend a lot of time at their house and make cookies with my brothers and sisters.
Then I'm 8, getting older and finally growing into my ears.
But then my grandma has a brain tumor.
My world once again has come face to face with sadness.
But I keep going!

Then we decided to move to this big ole house out in the country.
I got my own cat and named him Garfield and I had so many friends.
And so did my parents..
Even my dad had a girl best friend, who had a husband
Who grabbed in between my legs when I was going to show him the house.
But you'll never going to guess what I am going to say.. I kept going.

Then at 15 I figured I wanted to know about my birth parents.
I sure did miss my dad, the only one who truly cared.
My adoptive parents were supportive but told me he wasn't my real father, he was the twins.
Torn.
My heart was torn.
Then they did even worse.
I was shown his obituary.
I struggled hard, but I kept going.

Still at 15 I started cutting,
I couldn't stop one night and there was blood everywhere.
I just didn't want to feel the pain.
But I knew it was wrong.
I got my mom, she took the razors.
I was put on meds.
I. Kept. Going.

At 16 I made close friends with a kid named Calen.
He was opinionated and strong headed.
He wasn't attractive but to me his thoughts were GOD.
He had never been kissed.
Last thing on his bucket list.
I checked it off, and he checked his life.
He killed himself two days after telling me not to forget him.

Still 16 I tried to **** myself.
I overdosed on over 400 pills.
I didn't even know what they were.
I didn't care what they were.
Because they were my way out.
He was my fault.
I ticked his last box, it was all my fault.
I tried to make it better but my little brother found me puking and my dad saw my ***** was right.
I was hospitalized and my meds were upped.
But I ******* kept going.

4 months later and I have downed my meds .
I am enlisting in the Navy.
The most important thing to realize in your life is, tragedies are not your fault.
They are the key.
Don't you realize other people have it worse?
I know it sounds harsh, but really if they can make it, I can make it.
You.
Yes you, can ******* make it.
Keep going.

Can I just say life is pretty ******..

I'm

so

tired

...

Is anyone else tired
of getting yelled at
from your head
and everyone else?

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still here thinking
..Still here drinking
Trying to drown away my pain
With literally nothing left to gain

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still sitting here
Still sippin' my beer
Wondering when I get to hold you
Wondering when I get to be happy too..

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still here
Wondering when I can go there
My skin i'm still pinching
Wondering can I be the one lynching..

Because
Right Here
Right Now

I. Want. To. Die.

I aim the gun
Its against my head
One right move
And I'll be dead
Because my only wish
Will never come true
It's not much
All I want is you
But you're so far away
You're not coming back
This pain is too much
Like an aerial attack
Unsuspected
Unprepared
Almost like
No one cared
So suicide, suicide
My new best friend
Suicide, suicide
My final end
Suicide, suicide
You saved me
Suicide, suicide
I'm finally free

It isn’t brave, and it isn’t clever,
to inflict pain on other people forever.
Life isn’t all about you.
Your life isn’t all about you.
That rope hangs your family too,
and those pills **** your friends.
The pain, hurt and upset
doesn’t stop when your life ends.
So please don’t do it.
Please just take a moment to think.
People will die with you
when you drink that deadly drink.
Don’t tell me I don’t understand.
Twice I tried and twice I bailed.
Twice I tried and twice I failed.
Don’t tell me I don’t understand.
I came through, and so can you.
Let that light at the end of the tunnel be a fresh start.
Don‘t let it be the glint of the blade that enters your heart.
Think about how many have died.
Think about how many have sat and cried.
Think again about your selfish suicide.

Tied a noose around my neck as if I going to the ball
They shouted "Hurray"
Ignored my fall

I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With lice and lack of ***,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.

She

cheated
  and falsely hoped..

She

cried
  and then she broke..


My tears were soft falling from my cheeks

They hit the ground like bullets


She realized what she could do without me

  I guess she saw something I just.. I couldn't see

I was five years old
When my mom told me
To stay away from flames
Because even though their pretty
They can burn you

I was fifteen years old
When I first knew I loved you
And I knew you were that flame
That was too pretty to keep way from
No matter how much it burns

Crawl inside my body
Find me
Where I'm most broken
And love me there

Sometimes I tell myself I'm happy
Even though I'm not
To take away my pain
After all, it's the thought.

It's 12:40 and I can't think
It's 12:40 and I can't speak

November 14, 2016
My friend committed suicide.
He left behind his newlyborn twins.
He left behind his mother, his friends.
I'd just talked to him the day before.
He laughed, we laughed.
12:45 p.m he was pronounced dead.

I have written a song for my friend.
He committed suicide.
Not so long ago.
April 27, 2017.
7:15 pm and he was pronounced dead.
I will forever miss him.
I had just talked to him.
He tried to warn me.

May 7, 2017.
I tried to **** myself.
Went into my bathroom.
Took over 400 ibuprofen.
Was in a coma.
My little brother found me vomiting.
He's nine..

How are these true stories funny?
How do people laugh and joke about it?
Knowing that it literally ruins people's lives?

How do we socially ignore it?
Why don't we at least try to help the problem?
Why don't we talk about the things that need to be discussed?

You can make a difference.

Yeah, YOU.

YOU can start it out.

Someone makes a "joke". Call em out.

Because everyone's worth it.
These people suffered and with people still using it
as a joke while their gone is unfair and disgusting.

But that's not it. THEIR worth it. But so are YOU.

I miss you man won't you come back
You were loved man didn't you know that?
You saved my life, I could talk to you
I could have saved yours if I only knew

Was it my fault that you ended your life?
Did I hang the rope, did I sharpen the mind?
I can't help but think that the night I O.D'd
That you came and rescued me

I am writing to lessen my pain
Hopefully somehow I keep sane
On occasion you'll see me cry
And understand clearly
I didn't want you to die

Your memory comes flooding in tonight
Like a punch in the gut
I spent the day actually happy
I can't help but feel guilty
How could I be so happy
When you could be here
It was your choice I know
I still can't help but feel guilty
You tried to warn me
Screaming
Begging me to save you from your own mind
Thoughts
Self hate
Yet,
I walked away
...
I should have known
I can't help but feel guilty
That you could still be here
I wouldn't have tried myself
That maybe we could have been
Anything then we are now
And I can't help but feel guilty

Here you were
Here you came
And a love song
Showed up someway

Come touch me
Grasp me
Hold me
Kiss me
Hug me
Slap me
Kick me
Just please
Before I lose my sanity
Come touch me

She stood on the bridge
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background
Till the time was right

These demons were destructive
Knocking down the life she knew
Hating everything about her
She hated herself too

These demons can't be seen
But they're far from fairy tales
They live inside your mind
Their evilness prevails

So on the bridge she stood
About to end the fight
Then she stopped and thought
I'll fight them one more night

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free;
So I ask of you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing's not right,

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad;
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival,
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival.

I can't believe you did this to me.
To my heart.
We talked and stayed up all night chatting.
At what point did you think we couldn't talk about it?
We had talked about it before.
You were writing a book, thinking of the future.
Why?
Your last words to me were "Don't forget me"
You grabbed my wrist.
That plays over and over in my mind.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. But I can't feel either.
Why?
Just why?
You knew this would hurt me.
I can't be that mad at you though.
I know I can't blame it on you,
What else am I supposed to do?
Why did you do it?
Make yourself die?
We could have talked it over and you know it..
Made it all right.
But I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
But.
Not when I had felt the same way.
Been there, had that, tried and done that.
But gosh **** it, I miss you.
My eyes are red and swollen as well,
I had cried myself to sleep since.
You were my friend. I told you everything.
We really did have so much in common.

Sometimes this world is just too much to take
So it should be easy for you to see my mistake
Now I'm finally at peace
So my soul I shall release.