The landscape changing
Like a kaleidoscope scene
As I was there patiently waiting
To see it I could find solice in
An unrequited dream
I held no answers
     To the questions
That were scattered
       Like pebbles
All over the ground
I  don't seem to know
Which one represents sad
    Or happy or mad
I don't know how to find out
         So I guess I'm stuck
With  keeping them in my pocket
   Pulling them out 1 at a time
     Seeking the one that says luck
       But consistent in finding
         The one that says mad
This wasn't the way I used to be
          Now you SEEM to be
      This way all  of the time
        Its obvious I don't know
          .  ...The difference
        I haven't a clue......DO YOU?
          KNOW WHO I WAS ?
      So I can find my way back
  Into that kaleidoscope scene
        Pulled myself out when I
             Wanted back in
      I wave to the image
Patiently standing there - watching
         Who doesn't know
  While watching me go..
..whether to be happy ,sad or mad
As they sort through the pocket
For the pebble they never knew
That they had-- that says simply
  I'm glad- I'm glad --I'm glad.

I started walkin -
Never looked back
Don't add your talkin
It'll only subtract

You heard a rumor
You called it a fact
I cut the cards ....
..but the deck was stacked

And I gave you diamonds
Just to show you my love
The way you hurt me
Might as well used a club
You broke my heart
Left me feelin so low
Then used the *****
To try and dig me a hole

I tried to open
You told me to fold
Jokers showin
Better do what I'm told
The evening is young
This game is so old
Little plastic chips
Just as good as gold

I tried to call
But you upped me again
Felt like running
But I had to defend
Done spent more
Than I wanted to spend
I gave it all..but I
Still didn't win.

I gave you diamonds
Just to show you my love!

I don't need a crystal ball
To see my future
It is nothing more than
The next breath I take
Look ahead is one thing
To dream ahead is another
That can become without ...
.. A doubt
That move you should not make
So if I had the opportunity
To look into a real crystal ball
To see what would be
In my future I have yet to realize
I would not take a single glance
There's nothing  I would want to see
Cannot think why I would take the chance
Good news and it would only spoil the surprise

Should I find that down the line
Bad news would choose to abuse what would be my future reality
Why would I want to ...
... foresee
Some foregone tragedy
When one time would be enough...
...... actually more than enough for me

I think someone's trying to do me in
I know it's hard to believe
But it's happening
They're after you too .... So
What you going to do?
I know it's hard to believe... But it's happening

The water that you drink isn't safe
The  air that you breathe isn't pure
The doctor says that it's rare
Which means that there's no cure
I know it's hard to believe... But it's happening

Stay off the roads late at night
Highway killers... Higher than kites
They don't know what they do
But they don't help me or you
I know  it's hard to believe... But it's happening

And you know it too

I think someone's trying to do me in
I know it's hard to believe
Almost impossible for most people to conceive
But I also know...
... That it's happening.

Today will be that day I decide what's important down deep inside
Nothing in life I've taught myself to do
In the creative sense has been hinged upon accolades or instant gratification nor monetary considerations
If it were to have been so
Then I have worked so hard
way too hard to be this poor
So I say this as my final thoughts
And I am torn as to speak my mind but that would run contrary
To my own expectations of myself because I constantly insist that's wrong to those who believe and say artist should be humble
For how can one be humble if
they are going to create
something out of nothing
before they even start
That's not the seeds that sprouts creative arts
those are the seeds that Sprout doubt
Or maybe it's just a forewarning in case they fail to create
And that's just a roadblock that you've already set up for yourself
So I truly know that even though creation for creation sake is truly well and good
But appreciation has its own affect
Sometimes that part of us that we tend to neglect
So now
I don't need right now
or my entire life the appreciation of others
as much as i create for the
pure joy of seeing
something appear from nothing
As that has a magic all its own

All my adult life I have said
certain things that I believe to be true
You shouldn't have to ask a friend to pay you back what they said they would
especially when they said
and a thank you or apology asked for when owed
Will no longer be of any value when given in that mode
but I'm going to speak what I have so often wondered
As I passed by my own self set roadblocks
How I can get and at a consistent basis the decent amount of reads
And what seems to be to me an almost obscene
Lack of feedback
that would make me demean myself here now now
By asking this question and knowing that once I do I won't want any answers as I feel they won't mean much were I to get a few but I could be wrong
And that's why I am going out this obscure route
Wiping away every track because I walked it knowing
That I wouldn't be coming back




I don't think it's personal I don't think it's a slight I just wanted to point it out to those who may not notice those who are coming along and aren't able to carry their own light. That is a problem I've never had.

It was a nothing day
In a nothing week
In a nothing month
All just part of a nothing year
And as I was sitting there
I came close to saying
All part of a nothing life
In my fit of morose overdose
It was too close
Then I pushed back the plate
Of a non - descript meal
In a non - descript cafe
Where eating alone in
Just added another layer
To what couldn't get any greyer
As I looked out the plate glass
I could see straight through
My own reflection
A fitting end to a  " Hey" I said
" Well what do you know "
My reflection gave me a smile
As the first flake of pristine snow
Passed through it .. as if to say
True reflection isn't seen in the glass
Its how you see with appreciation....
                           .... the inner view
What you let pass right on through ....
                            Or what.....you hold on to.

I've held onto
that memory now
for a long long time.

There's something wrong
With the picture  
That I've come to accept
As a fixture
Is all going down
The same old road

And hanging from a nail
That too is crooked
And I know... That I
Will never be able
To straighten it out
And make it stay...
... Because it was made that way
Because it was made that way

I came to accept... That...
Imperfections
Are just part... of the bigger picture

Nothing is perfect
Until
You decide it is
What it is you find
So appealing...
As it reaches into those
Obscure recesses of your mind

That's when it tells you and tells you
If you're wrong or if you're right
About all those things you see at night
When you're trying... to find
Your  way down into that sleep

So you try...
... to keep
Everything in its place
But it's such an old old race
You try to keep to keep up the pace

That you tried to set for yourself
When you didn't know how far you had to go
How far you had to be
Before you could find the door
That could let you let you go
beyond

Beyond those places where you can see
That sometimes pictures hang crookedly
Go out there in that big old world
You'll find that is just the way
It will always be
Imperfections... shouldn't bother you a bit
Like that picture hanging on the wall... crookedly
It really comes down to how you look at it

Nothing is perfect
Until you find and decide
It is what it is that you find
So appealing as it reaches
Into the recesses of your mind

I don't think its broken
But it sure is bruised
The runaround I'm getting
Has left me so darned confused
I told you I loved you
And it left you so cold
I feel like I've been beatin
Kicked ,stomped on, and rolled

HELP ME I'VE FALLEN
And I can't give up
One broken heart .....is
.....One too much
So now I lay here
On this cold dance floor
I just keep on crawling
Coming back for more
I've fallen ....but I just can't give up!!

I was looking when I got lost
ignoring the bill when I saw the cost
Saw my future in the turbulent waters
Of the porcelain pool into which I was tossed
Bemoaning  yet accepting the fate I was enduring
Upon hearing the sound of the handles clank
I relinquished all control
as I began to roll
Gave no fight of self preservation. as I sank
The echoing swoosh left its sound in my ears
Then solid darkness closed in tight
So much more vivid than night in absence of light
The water was thick and seemed to be swallowing me down
Any oxygen of life seemed a fast fading memory
As all the while I could feel a gathering momentum
Like a ride through some putrafied tunnel of .... well...now all ephemeral in it's sudden ephemerality
As I was
Blasted loose from that officious muck
Propelled far far beyond the cascading flow
as a lust for life returned in a flash
I flicked one fin and then the other before  allowing sweet gravity
To carry me down affording me that glorious splash.
Wow! It thought ' this is an enormous and wondrous bowl '
Oh oh oh!
That poor little goldfish that had suddenly become the hapless to happy victim
Of a frustrated and angry parent who had lost all control!!!

GOOD LUCK little one...you will need all you get!



Question/ riddle of sorts.
Anyone know the reason for my naming the. poem this ... bit of
i _ _ _ _ _ twist?

As if I cared...
I mean I might ... but
I'm past that point
Where I would ever let her know... again
The things I shared
No dark truth spared

During that insignificant blip
If even that
Along the evolving corridors of time
Was... As I repeatedly said
Impossible to quantify
Without the metronomic
Mechanization of the machinery
To create periodic downloads

  That that first 20 days
Had not actually been the six months
That I would have sworn it to be

I was paralyzed ,hypnotized, afflicted addicted, predilected

But there wasn't one fiber of my being
Physical, emotional or spiritual
That held back. ,ever hit pause
Or ever even gave me cause
To doubt.....
I was lost and didn't Fn care

I was all in...  .within.....
Those first three hours
AND  THAT AIN'T ME!!
Well.... Then again....
I guess it must be

So I heard myself say - and I knew
Absolutely new- as I heard the echo of my words come bounding back
That it was true...... absolutely true
And in many ,many ways

I said to myself
As I absorb those words
With an Invincible Pride
That I had never known before

" I WOULD DIE FOR YOU!"

As the next three weeks passed
Perfection was becoming a word that was a pale ,poor and inferior. relative
After the breathtaking Heights .....
......of my reality

Then as I was still doing trampoline tricks among the clouds

She said. " I'm not ready... I'm confused
I'm still broken but you are perfect you're what every woman would ever want or ever need.
You make me laugh ,you care for me more than any man has ever cared about me, and show it like no other ever has...."

I'm sure there was more
That's all I heard as I took the misstep and fell from the clouds
To hit the ground
Dazed and Confused

But I tried to gather myself

To muster together my Bliss.....this ...is..
Not really that bad
Not the end of the world by any means
The whole thing was just too heady
too quick  and I could really see that so....

Relax and let time do its thing
Which I did
Until it turned out that someone else
Had intervened became involved
I just never ever expected something like that to occur......but it did
And at that moment I kept my promise

I DIED  FOR HER.....IN EVERY WAY BUT ....."

You know me much better than i even know myself
But you don't miss me and I'm not lost
As long as you believe I be among all the rest
You gathered up and put upon your shelf
Oh but my days were numbered long ago
When you didn't seem to notice me
When I was so quickly swept up
into the chaos....so abrupt
That did suddenly erupt
And for one quick moment
I was passing through the light
Pulled from the dark place I had been
I don'tt know if you even saw me
Much less recognize me for how I fit in
To the bigger picture of a future where id be
Exactly what you would be needing
Maybe if I were brighter in a flashy way I mean
You'd  have looked closer...but that day
dull and grey. was all you had seen
as the dust-up had yet to settle
you let me go.... but I know
the unique qualities I possess
you will someday miss me and I'm sorry
I couldn't find a way to tell you will need me
I know all the work and effort will be for naught
The future that you picture
Where you have all the pieces put together
There will always be a hole in your horizon
That only I could ever have managed to fill
You never saw my unique qualities
But now without my dull and grey
You sit at the table on.a cold snowy night
Fireplace flickers and krackles smell of cocoa
Wood smoke and pine fills the warm and toasty air
And you close your eyes and your lips purse
Trying to hold back that inevitable curse
" **** it...**** it **** it " came with the release
  Startled is the man reading near the fire
What is it dear...you need some help gluing it to the board
" No look!" She exclaims and begins to cry
For there in the magnificent rainbow colored sunrise.
And the fall colors of burnt umber and orange
Just above the beautiful blue Lake  
Beyond the 2 kids with sleds in hand who stand
Watching as the somewhat superimposed
first three Snowflakes arrive  "Snowday"
A hole stands out among the bit of grey
Where the artist needed a backdrop
to make the unique snowflakes pop
I can't find it , had it since I was 10 and I wanted to make it a Christmas display
For the girls she begins to weep but I think I saw it the other day
Oh God I swept it up and threw it away
I should have recognized it with that bit of snowflake passing over the grey.

He held her till she quit  sobbing ..until she stepped back ....saying I'm okay
Then he said "glue it down hon and I'll fix it
I promise " he said" we've got everything here somewhere
you glue and Ill check the garage."
He could see she needed more so he took on
You Know fists on hips and wide stance
Everyone knows that Superman pose
"Don't you worry ma'am I will right this wrong "
And  he did ,after 35 tries,a sleepless nite
8 hours it took him to  replace me
just as dawns first light
rose up
to shine down on me half buried in snow
as if to say everything was right

There's no time... Like the present
To turn around
To turn around and walk away
You know sometimes I feel it
And I know
And I know
There's just nothing that I need to say
Why do I put myself out
To the edge
Of the pitfall
When I should  have just
Kept my back
Kept my back up against the wall

Is it just ....because
I let myself be
Just another believer
In a world
That's so often ruled
By the next... Inspired deceiver
That tries to get through
My best defense

And in the way
That comes across as so
As so... as so... so so so so
INTENSE
That it leaves me
Crumpled up
Like something that's ready
To  be tossed away
Discarded...
... into that bin - overflowing
With the constant flow
Of the broken hearted

Should have just kept my back
Up against the wall
Up against the wall

If I could go back and see my 16 year old self
What would I say?
I'd tell myself
When you see me about to run myself down
Get out of the way
Don't stand there pretending that it's all ok
Or that you can take the punishment Because you can't
SO....
Get out there and rant
Fight ...don't be complacent
Don't smile at it all
As if tomorrow
It will all be better

If I could go back and see my 16 year old self
What would I do?
I'd probably sit and watch myself for a while
To  see if what I remember
Is really what I view
I think I know what I was like
But then again... who am I to say?
 
So I would probably sit down
To write myself a letter
Filled  with what I saw
What I found out ....
..... then put it away
For a future time
Maybe like today
To be read
Seeing if I made any changes
Instead
Or continuing ...How it
More likely
Would go anyway

If I could go back and see my 16 year old self
What would I see?
I'd see  a kid with so much potential
Who tried so hard
To knock down the walls
Of certain types of reality
Before I got the scars I now wear

I would see me without the cynicism
I find now is wrapped around me
Like barbed wire grown into a tree
No way to take it out
Without
Damage
Without
Leaving a long deep ****
For all the world to see
So the barbed wire is...
...A much better picture
Of my reality

If  I could go back and see my 16 year old self
What would I want to do ?
I think I would want to take a picture
The two of us together
The yin and yang of
What it is... that is me

If I could REALLY go back
And see my 16 year old self ..I think I would pass
For it may be
That I would insert some kind of sadness
That I would carry on
All the way to now...
Somehow

  I wouldn't want that
Because ...all in all
As tough as it has been
I'm happy with who it is I am
And that is about all
I'd really want ....
...... To say
To my 16 year old self.

We will rest in peace
All who
Like me will take solace
Caring not
What those who speak of us then
Will choose to call us
I do not live for those
Whose lives are lost in those foggy mishaps
Of Lost Dreams
Like little paper boats adrift
Upon slow moving streams
Somehow disappearing from sight
In  just a blip of time
When life pulls down the shades
That separates your vision from your mind
The only tonic is to go catatonic
And freeze yourself in place
And not unfold those dreams you sold
That sailed away  that fragile ship you feel the need to chase
Though deep inside the time altered mind
A vision clogs the stream
A million paper ships crashed upon the shore
So familiar seen before in reality or a dream
And though it galls these constant calls
You seek to pay no heed
To calls that seek to halt the flow
For successful alterations is not always what we need
A hungry soul may just be fine
If just once we see the ship disappear from site
Without succumbing to distractions that pulls down the blind.

like a broken record
that just keeps going round
with that clicking sound
to keep me awake
even when I am asleep
And I keep slamming shut
windows and doors
in vain attempt to keep out
all the what ifs and why fors
yet even with my eyes shut
they still seem to slip in
like the wind
as it whistles through cracks
in the walls
of my broken realities
my regrets become the casualties
of a war torn mind
and its shattered landscape
of bombed out dreams
surrounding me like a flooded field
of all the lost causes
I let slip away
replaced by the empty promises
that I allowed to stay
easier to pretend
than to defend
that it was not me
that was there
while anyone could see the truth
that has burnt itself
across the vast emptiness
of my hollowed eyes
to be seen
even when my eyes are closed
and like a broken record
that just keeps going round
making that clicking sound
keeping me awake
even when I am asleep
surrounding me
like a flooded field
of all the lost causes
i let slip away
to be replaced by empty promises
That allow me to stay.

Its not what you're saying
That needs defending
Its not what you think
That you need to explain
Its not what you know
That gives you  knowledge
Its not what you hear
That you need to retain

It is what you're saying
That you need to retain
It is what you think
That does  give you knowledge
It is what you know
Thats in need of explaining
It is what you hear
That you need to defend

It was what you defended
That needs to be said
It was what you explained
That shows what you're thinking
It was what you acknowledged
That you need to know
It was what you retained
That needs to be heard

It never was saying,thinking....
...knowing or hearing
It never was retaining knowledge
That you need to defend

It was only in explaining....
...That got you in trouble
Because IT never was IT
Its not IT IS IT--was it?
Never was saying you think
Never was saying you think
you know thats what you heard
SAY YOU THINK
SAY YOU KNOW
SAY YOU HEARD
SAY YOU DEFENDED..YOU EXPLAINED
SAY YOU ACKNOWLEDGED..YOU RETAINED
THAT needs to be said
SAY YOU need to know
That SHOWS what you're thinking
THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID!
Your need to defend
Thats in need of explanation
You think
That does give knowledge
You say that you need to retain
YOU HEAR!! THAT you need to retain !

What you KNOW
THAT gives you knowledge
What you THINK
THAT you need to explain

Its not what you say
That needs defending
Its not what you SAY
That needs defending
It's not what you say
Its what you KNOW
And you know
That what IT IS...isn't always IT

YOU know that's what IT is
And thats always IT
THAT IT!! So tell me....
Is it what it is that you thought...
........That it was?

THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID !

Push it back past
the starting zone
Leave it there
where
it can be all alone
Nothing gets past
The wrecking ball
In the futurescape
where
we have it all
What time will that be....
      ....when all the second's count?

I'm trying to reason
But can't get any comment
Of return interjections
Or objective renderings
Tries too hard to open up
that second tier of dreams
Used up that first one
Trying to weave a web
That then turned out
To be
much more slippery than it seems

Lost every resource
to the whims of vanity
Blew past the nervous guards
At the border of sanity
And that's where I pushed it back
Past the starting zone
And left it there
where it can be all alone.

Right now my days are long and hard
As I plow through these unfurrowed fields
Of my life
Where nothing has grown for so **** long
And as I look back with each turn I make
I see the beginning of growth
In what will be the flowering lush beauty
Of loves boundless bounty
The endless  beauty and ecstasy
I may be the plowman
And the Earth may be our lives
You are the rain that sustains
Those seeds that we plant together
A Living Color portrait
In this future yet to be
I will stand in that rain forever
In order to maintain and sustain
That same life-giving growth
Let it rain let it rain
Let It Rain On Me

I wouldn't mind you cutting me down
If you use the knife in my back
To give the rope some slack

I rang the bell
to no avail
I rang again to which
I was greeted with a total fail
so I knocked
lightly
so to not create a situation
and the door came right open
then started the strangest conversation

he stepped outside to whisper
  you the guy ?
I called this morning?
"I believe I am" I replied
" I ....wel..l.... I.. he whispered "cool!"

" then ...first look this over !"
and without warning
he pushed a piece of paper...
nearly up my nose

"You can deal with all that.....
( he suddenly turned it look in the doors open crack) I suppose? "
still in whispering tones

I  looked at the list- twice -as instructed
my mind did insist
no problem.... no problem... not really a problem and I don't know i found myself whispering "about that one... but it'll  be okay I promise
I know people I smiled
He didn't!

okay if you can take care of all that
without causing me grief
and her to have a fit ...then...

Then man ...
you will be the man ..the man with the plan the man who can ...too bad your name ain't Stan,!"

is this guy three days
into "a crankup in session ..or what?"

I was about to beg off
then I thought
just wait and see
hear him out then reflect
on the whole picture.

I'm here to be of service ..I thought
so why the hell is this guy
so freakin nervous ?

we both heard a squeaking sound
from Beyond the crack in the open door
and just like that
he changed
al  surreptitiousoddity vanished
like smoke up a chimney flue
"  gooddeal  "he said
she's riding her 30 minutes
stationary bike by video...!  you know ?

I smiled sweetly... still wary
"okay I'm sorry "said the guy
let me explain
what it is it's been making me so insane

I took a week off work...like a ****
so I can relax
and deal with some of those things
Ive neglected  
around the house. ..ya know
But  could I? No!
NO!  she said N...O....no!!

Then  she said "you can't.
You don't know the right protocol
and I said what protocol?
Protocol to spackle a wall?
"you know,...he sorta  grimaced...
door **** hole through  sheetrock? "

I nodded and muttered,( still whispering )

IDK Why!

"As common as sparrows" I said
okay then... I'll fix the doorbell  
she said you can't.. No!
You need to find the right protocol .


( hey YOU reader.. I already saw it on the list so ha! )

  then last night I went downstairs
after midnight ...mind you
to Google what the hell she's sayin
Or what it is that I'm missing
found some instructions ...some warnings abusive helpers  trolls full of crap
and that's it.. no protocols do exist
or are , nonexistent or
so nonspecific that...anyways...

and I hate admitting that I sat there
For more than an hour
just turning the knobs in my mind
seeking some mysterious power
To find ....
Trying like hell to ring some bell ...
...and that's when ... I accidentally
accidently ...now!
I nudged that Mouse along the pad
and up popped your ad

then I was mad... bad bad mad..then sad ..but  glad
all that in about a 3 second span
So i sent you that text
to save me
and you will be ...forever be...
...my ever-loving
Pro 2 call
Then he flung  the door wide
in a normal voice he said
come on come come on in
So I stepped past him..ito begin
What i came to do

he shouted out loud
Honey!I found the man you was looking for the man ...the man with the plan ...the man who can
and his name is Stan; he winked at me
and tossed  me a grin

To continued on with
I got me a tee time at 10
and he gave me another grin
did a 180 spin
headed out the door! wow!
Whispering once more
good luck fella  see ya stan....

She opened the door  
said hello to me then said
what was that Stan ?

***  ...what the hell!

I said hello ..uh..He left
but I'm here...to..
To ..ahhh well... to fix the doorbell 
 
She hesitated... confused to which I related then said okay!
Im still 20 miles from Marrakesh
so I'll see you when I get there...okay?

Okay?

She shut the door and the squeaking
began once more.
What a way to start the day and it ain't even 8:30 yet.

I knew from the start
It would be a hard road
What I didn't know
Is how you would lighten my load

I was walking alone
Tryin hard not to think
About the places I've been
And how low one can sink
When I looked up again
I saw you up ahead
Then I knew....
....That the road always knew
That to you I was led

You lightened my load
When you took a hold
Of my hand and I knew
All roads always led back to you

For such a long time
People just came and went
And every dime I've ever had
Was gone before it was spent
I didn't know who I was
I got to where I didn't care
But you lighten my load
And you took me somewhere

Now you are all that I need
Truly more than I deserve
You are the last straight stretch
When my whole lifes been a curve

And you lighten my load
Helping me to move on along
So when I'm feeling so weak
You keep me going strong
YES ..when I'm feelin so weak
You keep me goin on ....
....goin on strong.

If you cannot see the humor
In some of the small faux pas
That you make each day
Then I feel sad for you
For all the big ones that
You've made along the way !

She left him at the bar table
Resting there all alone
With a cold beer there beside him
And a copy of Rolling Stone
She often called him pinky
But his real name was Bic
For a year now he had been her steady
Always ready to do his trick

He always lit up for her
And brightened up her nights
How many flicks had they seen together
How many shared cigarettes
In bed on sleepless nights

But shes out there on the dance floor
Having a good ol time
While he waited at the table
Wondering ...
If he would be left behind
She tried it once before
At a party for some guy
She left him in the corner
Forgotten and feeling discarded
Without even saying goodbye

It wasn't that pinky was jealous
He wasn't built that way
He had a job -that was his life
And he would do it to his dying day

Then she came back to the table
Bringing some guy along
They sat down - ordered a round
Lit up a smoke told an old joke
Then he used his cricket lighter
To check the watch that he wore
Saying he had another few minutes
If she'd  care to dance some more

The cricket was left on the table
Half hidden behind a pack of lucky strikes
A blue cricket and a lost pinky
There something out here she likes
But she knows they can't be together
So Bic was content to just wait
Then THAT GUY returned to the table
Putting the cricket and poor pinky in his pocket
And together now they found each other
And thats the lighter side of life.

To my future
And I know
That
I'll  find it  
I know
That is me ..waiting for me
Just like-








When I get close
Like metal to a magnet
I'll be drawn in ....
so








I've always known
Where I'm going -

So my hand... take my hand
And pull me up

But I looked

a trace of me (will be)
moving on
powerless  ( against)
the rising tide
pouring over me (as I am)
washed out ( where )
nothing is nothing ( and )
totally incomplete (is)
the inevitable outcome
that led me .....
right from the start
in futile search (I am )
gone without notice
facing a future ( of )
expanded consciousness
even in the garden of inspiration
dark days
color my  world
Chemicals (keep)
burning bridges
been here before
beyond the boundaries
beyond a dream
standing at the edge of tomorrow
( wondering )
Do I even exist ? (is)
my collection of rejections
my alpha and my omega (has)
the restless rider (been)
resurrected
rising above
spinning a timeless tale (along)
the fine line
echoes of my silent world (across) 
the valley of infinity (so)
whats the difference
where do I fit in ?
I am but flesh and bone
Human
hoping I never find me
Evolving
every way I can
drawn in - dragged out (now)
Dialing back in  (to what is)
A Different world today

Love trusts
the way water will trust
the path thru hill and Valley
around Rocky turns
and that is how
a river is born

so that people who love
have loved
Will Be Loved
and will be remembered... ...forever
Like those  Sunday drives
and evening walks
for that is the kind of love
that keeps water flowing
keeping in its wake
so many  flowers growing ...
...always growing!
Just  love pure. so you can
live and breathe and grow!

Looking for an more dignified
way to commit suicide
one that won't be so
much a mess
I can shoot myself
I might miss
and if I didn't it would still
Leave a mess and I guess
really isn't very dignified so ...
    ...I could leap out
in front of some moving car
but then again
I don't know who those people are
it may cause them to have a wreck
Either way What or how the heck
Could any of that be dignified
To ruin somebody else's life
would not ever be dignified
I guess I could take a lot of drugs overdose but who knows
I might just end up going out
and have a good time
To wake up the next day
find out that you were
the life of the party ...and that
everybody had a great time
Though i haven't a clue
What party where'" I went to...?"
No clue who Sent the message
I got 46 friend requests
And 17 new friends...OH no!
Thats not something you do
just before you want it all to end
Thats definitely undignifying
I guess I could leap off
Some tall building enjoy the ride all the way down unless of course you look and see  down  below something you couldn't know
A older lady getting out of the car
Or a nanny with a baby carriage you know youve gone way too far cant  stop now and you know
cannot change your direction so..
NO!
...that's not a very good selection
And definitely not to be considered dignified
I guess I could go jump in the lake drown myself since I cannot swim not very well at least but ohhhhh
would be one easy way
but then again I can say I've seen
those people they finally dredge up
All bloated white and sickly green.. ...no way  is that dignified
I guess I could try to hang myself but then again that might to lead to something else
if I didn't die I might just try
to figure out how to do it again
Because it was sort of ****** fun
Ive seen those people on tv news
Live or die that's not the one one
Found like that can't be  dignified
I just about run out of ways
to think about how I could do it
I guess I really always knew
.....all along what was really true
there's nothing dignified
about suicide ever...unless maybe if you were to leap onto
a live grenade in order to save every one around you or if you
were to step in front of a bullet run out into traffic in order to push someone out of the way
I can say
it's true that in a sense
it would be suicidal
In its own way because you chose to do what you did
but any of those circumstances messy or not you died with pride and that  will always be...
....dignified . But not suicide.

If you look upon me
As if... I am your rock
I believe that - someday
I may be ... Good enough
To hold you
To support you
In all your shaky times
Shielding you...
Building you...up
If you're ever in Decline

Everybody needs something
To get them through the day
A prayer?
A bottle
Or someone to call
Just to say   "hey...
How are you?...
... I know it's been a while
... Remember? ... When we...?
... It always makes me smile
... I miss you or I love you
... I'm sorry we lost touch
... So much... Has happened
I don't know where to start !"

If you look upon me...
As if I am your friend
Then I believe - someday
I may be just the thing you need

To shelter you from the storm
To welcome you with wide open arms
Into where it's... Always nice and warm
So if you look upon me
As if I am
Just who and what I am

Then I will always be
Everything ...
That you will ... Ever
Need me to be
If you look upon me...
As if... I truly am your rock.

Somewhere somehow someone
Concluded
That it's okay
To allow the water to be polluted
As long as it's downstream
From the elite and privileged classes

And if they please
They mow down the trees
Ignore the sign and pay the fine
Amid smiles and afflicted laughter
The glasses ring with a fine crystal ting
And they reset the finish line...
.... yet another time

While somewhere deep inside
Mother Earth shudders and sighs
Hope is torn loose from the truth
That no longer matters or applies
Serving as an example ,how to trample
The garden into total submission

Whatever you do
Do not listen to what I say
Sometimes my thoughts are like seeds
Will plant themselves take root and grow
And it may grow unnoticed until
Somewhere in the future
You'll find shade and  comfort
Under that growth on a hot day

With roots just as awesome and Majestic
As is the crown of many colors
Ever-changing...
... As it puts on its display
Though you may find comfort
In that shade it may  provide
There may be times you wonder about
The view... beyond
that may be denied

It's only human to want that view never seen
To be a person in pursuit of perfection
Unfettered and pristine
Ironic and tragically funny...
How there's always something in between

The very introduction becomes an obstruction
And will be
Until convinced of the offense
Then removed
sheared off at the ground
Only to then find... nothing new
In  this new view ...
... worthy of being seen

So it was not that astute
To be in such dogged Pursuit
Of perfection
That you would forget about the root that had originally anchored
those thoughts in your head
From whence you strayed
And in so doing...
You lost your comfort
And the coolness of the shade

I'm looking forward
not to fall on my face
as that would only
add more pain
to all that I've lost
oh how can I
ever pay the cost
when there's no valuation
that could ever suffice
not everything
in life
not everything in life
has.  to.   have a price
some things are priceless ..
...especially when it's lost

Troubled souls
Peering through glass
Of isolated.fishbowls
Seeking consistency beyond
The glass that blocks their view
Although its crystal clear
Still unable to see through
The murky depths
Of their own regrets
For knowingly carrying
Others down the whirlpool
Of their own making
As all around them
Are those being caught
While watching as they
Slide into hopelessness
Of that same morality
They were taught

No loss so great
As dooming others
To ones own chosen fate.

Funny how some admissions
Allows entrance into
Grandest most unique place on Earth
The U of you

That place I use to peruse
History of written word
Going around the paragraphicaI universe
Standing right beside history the moment it occurred

That's why I love being a poet
Endeavoring
To reach out speak to someone else
Often finding  words reminding
How much I was speaking to myself

I find the words and then gently put them together
And then they do the same thing for me

washing  away in the tide  lost in the vastness of the sea
Holding me so I wouldn't cr
To be





You be

was helplessly fl you
But not as an anchor to holdown
What Ineed of was
                             mine.

I used to live life like I was a freaking holiday
Now I'm being dragged down by knowing that I'm just another Working day
Working Day
Working Day
Just another working day

My eyes open in the morning and I see that is just me
Punching my time card
Punching my time card
Punching my time card

When the hell --where the hell
Was I
When I fell under the evil spell
An evil evil evil spell
When I sold my soul
And my body
My self-control..and didn't notice
How everything around me
Had just gotten so **** shoddy...
   ........ AND SO.....
...I really really really want to know
Where the hell did I go did I go
And I didn't ..I just didn't know
Didn't know didn't know
That I had been pushed down so **** low...so **** low ...so ****** low

So **** deep in this freakin rut
That I can find no way out
The paycheck never makes the cut
Just enough to pay a few bills and buy some more doubt

When  the vast horizon swallows up the Setting Sun
The Setting Sun
The Setting Sun

And normally that would be a Pleasant View
But I just noticed something...
... that I never knew never knew
Never never never never knew
That  Setting Sun and the horizon
To which it just went behind

Is really just the upper Edge of this ever deepening rut
That I have found myself in --and so once again
I have to wonder when I quit living like I was a freaking holiday
And how I became just another working day
Working Day
Working Day

So then... lower my horizons...
....or raise our **** pay.

She came a kickin through the doorway
Just sbout  as mad as I've ever seen
her hair was on Fire and she smelled like gasoline
She was spittin out words at a mile a minute
I tried to intervene with a word or two
But I couldn't even squeeze a syllable in between
But it seem to have something to do with her daughter...  Delta Dean
who had just barely turned 17
And just as pretty as a vine ripe  peach
And I know that you know
Exaaactly ...what I mean!

I  figured it was probably some young stud
Who decided to see if he was tall enough to reach

Whoever he was
trying to see if he could get into that tree
I kind of feel sorry for ya
whoever you may be
I can't imagine Colleen
Puttin up  with anyone to trifle
And I imagine she's up there now
searching up and down looking all around
Fit to be tied and ready to rip off my hide
If she cant figure out where I might of hid
Her daddies old rusty trusty squirrel killin rifle I mumbled out a prayer
up under my breath
I don't know Who You are
but if you have any sense
you'd be scared to death
A making Fast tracks for getting out of the state
or out of the county
at any rate
and then I heard her coming back down
When she stepped on that old creaky step
went up in a rage but came back down
Much more sedate
earrings in her hand and I guess
that she saw that strange look on my face
so she kissed my cheek
and she said I don't know if I can take it
she wants to drive
and  that's okay
but she got my diamond stud earring
and I got to wear these of little old pearls today
As she was Heading out the door
i started to let myself say
Pearls Before swine
but at the very last second
I grabbed my tongue  
And I changed my mind ......



What the hell were you thinkin ....
   You been drinkin ?No!   Well maybe we outa be
Cause that was too close .

People always say
" You will eat those words!"
and I think how stupid it is
to believe that...
as your words are more likely to eat you, than the other way round.

Make Love not war
Make peace not pieces
Break bread not treaties
never stops until it ceases
To be a trade off...
... Instead of a trade up
A right of passage
Instead of passing our rights
Like they are non- existent
Ghostly memories of...
Dead cars on highway shoulders
Oil stained ,shattered diamond pieces
Shimmering in the afternoon sun
Ominous reflections at the periphery
Of the headlamps nighttime gaze
among the maze
Of shadowed voids
and truncated  moments of reflective light
Gone as quickly as they appear
Just as I fear will besmirch
any rising hope seen... feared.... disappeared
In a disallusioned world weary quest
To accept what is ,what was and what wasn't as what will be
Simply because there are too many
Who want to make war & not love
and shatter into pieces ...all talk of
...or chances for true peace
Remember the drama, hopes and pain
That bit of chrome or reflective red plastic
Tells to those rushing by
from time to endless time
Your story awaits your presence
Somewhere up the line

Well I can make faces
And I can make room
I can make promises
To the man in the moon
I can make time
And I can  make friends
But I don't know how
I'll  ever make amends
So tell me how to start
To heal a broken heart
And tell me how to forgive myself
Like I try to forgive someone else

I can make memories
And I can make changes
But I can't make up
For the way life rearranged
The pieces of the puzzle
Or  for the pieces that are lost
And I'll never be able to make up
For the trouble or the cost
Still I can make an offering
I don't have to make myself grieve
I hope I can make an opening
To help me find a way to believe

*** please please forgive me
If I seem to take us for granted
Sometimes it's just so easy
You think that having roots...
... Means that life is truly planted
I can see now what I wasn't showing
Like anything meant to continue growing
I am guilty of neglecting the weeds
And all the work it takes to keep up with your needs

I'll pay more attention from now on
As you get to know our fresh new flower our daughter
While I get to know and show our son how it should be done
What to do when  the dry and dusty foundation of our life...
....needs attention and water

Don't know where my head was
But it wasn't where it should have been
That was a boy that thought all it takes is to plant the seed
But it's the man I now am who  knows that's where my life really did begin

Shall we succumb
To the ill winds of sophism
Accepting all
Which is to come
Demoralised
By small minded
Fallacies
Rendering
Death blow annihilations
In slow motion periodicity
To all those slogging along
Through pluvial mortifications
Kept at bay
By the sorrowful embrace
Of a smattering of words
Elevated
To pacify
Those rent of hope
Bane of reason
Forbade all reply
Slow burn percipients
Of rich class leavings
Conditioned to accept
All...ill winds of sophistry
Prisoners of ignorance
Believing that they are free
While....
Suffering through the confusion
Of mass delusion!!!!

I heard you been looking
Trying to find me
I haven't been hiding
For the last few years now...
... been here all the time

You said you think it's funny
How we just kept missing out in running into each other  
I can't see it with any kind of humor
I feel like it's been tragic - like black magic
Had to have a hand in this

I was at your sister's wedding
But they said that you were delayed in Denver
I left soon after they cut the cake and had the first dance
And then found out you caught the next flight
Getting there just 5 minutes after I left

I'm not sure if I remember
Where and when I came back from the ******
I know it was at least a week later

Then somebody told me you asked for my address
But because you had less than a 48-hour window
You had to get back to Tokyo.. you had to go
I guess you are just way too busy
Making your business grow...
always on the go

I finally - more than a year later
Got the courage to ask your sister ...
... If I can get your number
She gave me much more than just what I asked for
I caught the way that her eye suddenly pulsated
She told me that you were engaged to get married
Set for somewhere in early May
I thought about calling to give you my blessing
I just couldn't get myself to do it
I know I blew it...
... But I' kind of knew it  
For a long long time

Less than a month later
I quit my job
Sold my house and moved away
To start all over- I had become such a hater
All of my friends - were sort of glad to see me go

It didn't take long though - to know
That where I had landed
Was a place I didn't really belong
What I had tried so hard...
... To leave behind
Wasn't the people or the places
It was the pictures that I still had in my mind
That was something I figured out
Although it took a really long time and it took a heavy toll on me

I lost all Direction
Went out looking for just the basics
Cohabitation without affection
I'd make it clear - of my intentions
But people seem to just hear what they want
Each of them...
.... eventually tried to get closer
Then I'd have to try some kind of stunt
That would get them packing
It got so easy  I should just write a book

After awhile I forgot how to smile
Then it seems like I traded that for the ability to cook

Then for so long - I see now.. I was so wrong
And like you told me just a few minutes ago
That you' never got married
And that you even came looking
But everybody told you that I seem to have just disappeared

No I don't think it's very funny
But I'll be sure to always be around now
I'll be by to see you whenever I can
I have to go now- I'll see you tomorrow
And we can catch up on all the things that we missed

I didn't tell her that I was dying
Because of what the doctor - behind her shoulder just told me with his eyes
I really had nowhere to be -nowhere to go
I ended up in a bar having a drink and a good cry
That look from your doctor and the subsequent knowledge
Said that she has probably 2 weeks at the most
And she most likely will never ever leave the hospital

Now we **** sure ain't funny
And I was right when I said that its tragic
Now that we finally found each other
And see  clearly how much time together we lost
I may spend another 40 years after you're gone
Being alone and I do mean alone...
... That's the price I'm willing  to pay
Because I already know just how much
Being without you... Can cost