tonight,
i experienced
cotton candy skies from
thousands of feet in the air,
and all i could do
was wipe away tears
because it reminded me
of you.

-k.w//cotton candy skies

I am looking forward to the day
where I look at you,
and feel nothing

because it's exhausting
to continuously fall in and out
of love with you
as often as I do.

-k.w

Most days,
I still feel
the ache of
bruised bones
the way vets
still feel the sting
of lost limbs,
and I wonder
how long it takes
for something
no longer present
to heal.

And last night,
I heard gunshots
that sounded just
like your name
as I was reminded
some things exist
for no other reason
than to cause pain.

I am nothing more
than this small frame
and protruding ribs,
knots of hair lying
on the bathroom floor,
remembering what it
once felt like
to be whole.  

-k.p

With each passing day,
I feel my bones growing more and more tired.
And I wander if this is what it's like to grow up.
Day by day,
you slowly grow more and more sick of this world,
and I guess that's why by the time you're ninety,
you are okay with death taking you.

and i can't help but wonder
if you still hope for me
at the sight of
every
          falling
                     star
because all my wishes
still drift towards thoughts
of you in hopes that
one day, maybe
light years won't seem
so       far       away.

-k.p//light years

I used to regret
erasing all your voicemails.  
All I wanted
was to loop the last two seconds
it took for (you) to say
you loved me,
so that way I (never) had to fall asleep
thinking any different.

Now, I'm (really) glad
I burned all your belongings,
and threw away all your letters
that were signed with
you are so (loved).
I would've found them as
reasons to go back
because empty threats were
far too familiar to (me).

And today I saw a picture of us,
but it (did) not hurt in the sense
you'd think
because I saw you in a crowded room
just last week,
and (you) were nothing more
than a passing face.

-k.w//Healing

You are an ocean
with tides of mass highs and lows.
You think this makes you
too inconsistent— too imperfect,
but you are awe-inspiring
with how you ebb and flow.

-k.w//Oceans

I want you to regret what you did to me.
I want you to have sleepless nights,
and mornings where your sadness pins you to your bed.
I want tsunamis of tears at 2am and the thought that everything is your fault.
I want regret and bitterness to fill you  like our joy use to fill each other,
and I want the broken promises to scream at you from your bedroom walls early in the AM.
I want loneliness,
so much loneliness,
and maybe then,
you'll understand the beginning of what I feel.

And I loved you because
you saw me—
through all that I was
and all that I was to be.

And for the first time ever,
I am to you as I
am to everyone else,
and how painful it is
to be a ghost to
the one you love.

-k.p//ghost

I don't want to take my medicine
because I don't want a pill to tell me
how to feel.
It's like cheating,
and if I'm going to conquer this,
I'm going to without a pill
making me feel things that
aren't really there.

Yet here I am,
staring at a bottle,
that's more empty than
myself.

-k.w// Pills to Fill an Incurable Emptiness

I envy the stars for how
brightly they shine,
even in total darkness.

-k.w//emulating stars

But how am I supposed to know
what we are
if one moment we are spilling our hearts out to one another,
and the next,
we aren't even talking?

One day, your hands won’t shake at the thought of someone kissing your lips. It won’t cross your mind that he may take things too far, and you’ll slowly begin to feel more at ease with the thought of being loved. And it won’t be the kind of love that leaves you sobbing after the continuous string of nights when he tried to convince you that your body was not your own, but it’ll be nights that end in slow kisses that for once, leave you looking forward to tomorrow. You’ll begin to realize that not everyone in this world wants to hurt you, and one day, you’ll realize that he never really owned you at all.

-k.p

I got drunk
in attempt
to drown out these
thoughts of you.

You came back
the next morning
in the form of a
headache.

-k.w//i escaped you, but only for a night

I woke up this morning
with an indescribable sadness.
It made me realize
that no matter how much I tell myself
I am getting better,
I am stuck.
I'm stuck in this loop
of feeling everything at once
and nothing at all-
A constant hurricane of emotion,
and this sadness has consumed me.

Sometimes when I close my eyes,
I see buildings that touch
the clouds.
And I step off these buildings
and pull the ground up towards me,
embracing the concrete
with open arms.

Sometimes when I fall asleep,
we share the same breaths,
and I'm overwhelmed with such feeling
as my hand interlocks with yours.
And I'm not afraid
to fully love.

And maybe there are thousands of
differences between these dreams,
but for me they're all the same.

They leave me breathless,
and I need to be saved from
what I want.

-k.w

i want our fingers
interlocked on
crowded sidewalks
and busy streets,
and i want us
to sip coffee
while we admire
strangers from
afar.
i want mid-afternoon
laughter, and
heartfelt conversations
late at night
when everything
seems a bit more
real.
i want to listen
to all your
favorite songs,
and share long
car rides with no
destination in mind.

i want all these things,
only you do not
want me.

-k.w//over

The first time we met
after harsh goodbyes,
did you forget how to breathe?

Were you forced to
sew yourself back together
because the reminder of loneliness
was too unbearable for you?

Because I couldn't continue to live like that-
Clinging on every reason to stay,
and ignoring every reason to go.

And maybe I don't dream
about holding your hand anymore,
but I am still learning
to breathe fresher air.

-k.w//Baby Steps

Our inevitable end was discovered in such an ordinary moment— eating at a cheap diner while the rest of the city was asleep. We shared a booth, and your arms were wrapped around me as you reminded me that "each day, I am new." We drove home with the windows rolled down, and we sang on the top of our lungs. Laughter filled the space around us because you were off-key and I had forgotten the lyrics, but we never cared about impressing each other. We just wanted to be real. And in this moment, you were oblivious to the fact that I knew our time was ending.

The last time you saw me, I had tears in my eyes because I knew we wouldn't speak again. But if I could go back and replay it all, you wouldn't have found a trace of sadness in my voice because it is unfair to expect everyone to stay forever. I'll still indefinitely look back on these memories and smile.

I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted, but you had the choice to love me how I was, and it was you who decided to not love me at all.

-k.w//cheap diner

You will cease
to exist in my world
any longer.
I have tried to love you
through the storm,
but I am learning
more and more every day
that every action of yours
contradicts
all the words you say.

You try to fight off your demons
and blame my hurt on
collateral damage,
but I am beginning to know better.
And maybe I'm bitter,
And maybe I need to grow up,
but I refuse to allow any more hurt
to take up the spaces between every
"I love you"
that escapes your mouth.

-k.w//Collateral Damage

And because
I've come from a place
built on constant heartbreak,
what if causing damage
is all I know how to do?

I am so scared of hurting you,
and although I have grown
numb to the pain
that comes along with
being hurt in return,
I have spent so many nights
reciting to myself why it'd be better
to feel nothing at all.

I am finding it hard
to convince myself that not
everyone will try to break me
the way he did.
I am finding it hard
to convince myself that
I deserve any better than my past.

I only grasped you for what felt like a mere second
before you fell through my fingertips
like drops of water,
so eager to embrace the ground.

But I am not rainfall,
or autumn leaves.
I am not sleepy eyelids,
or teenage love.

I am not beautiful when I fall.

You taught me how to walk the earth
with cracked bones
and a broken heart.
And it's trying to recover
from the messy half beats
you left me with before you bailed.

And I'll lie and say that I feel the warmth of the sun,
beating down on my cold bare skin,
but deep down I know that winter
froze over me.
And the frostbite has made home
in those messy half beats of my heart.

And I'm aware that it's killing me,
but the cold and numbness,
I've found,
is oddly comforting.

-k.w//winter froze over

And I'm so glad I didn't
**** myself when you told me to
because I would have missed so much.

The dark clouds that have housed me
for three painful years are finally starting to part,
and I'm beginning to breathe again.

And although I am scared to go outside,
and although I still have days where I want to listen to you,

I am beginning to see the sun,
and oh my god,
it is so lovely.

But now it's 1 am
and the dim light of the moon
illuminates my bedroom.
The light falls right onto my eyes
and I am forced to sit and think.
Many things come to mind.
Thoughts come flooding in,
and somehow,
you manage to crawl deep into my thoughts.
"I miss you."
I tell myself,
but I know you are happy,
and I know you're fine without me.
It hurts,
but I have to manage to be okay with it.
I roll onto my right side and the light
dances off my face.
My room falls dark and lonely again.
I am left with just my thoughts.
This is my life.

This darkness is slowing seeping into me, through my pores and into my bloodstream. Or maybe they found their way in through my split veins. I'm not quite sure anymore, but they're consuming me whole. And I can only pretend to act unaffected by their harsh bites at my knuckles and scratch marks at my throat for so long. These thoughts use to only haunt me at 4am, but they've fought their way to daylight and my minds not capable of fighting them off or telling them no. They're trapped in this skeleton of a body and they're eating me alive. There's a letter beside me listing "goodbyes" to my family and boyfriend. I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I'm scared of what these voices are making me do. I'm scared of what I've become.

there is no control in anything

i feel i have no choice
but to tear apart this body
as if it's some worn down structure
with framework too shaky to house
anything other than good intentions

and i see the look in my
mother's eyes as she wishes
she could do more for me
but i have found no way to
alleviate this battle—
staying up late for sins i know
i'll regret in the morning

and the only things that stay
are those i so desperately
wish would disappear

-k.w//framework

My heart sighs with relief
knowing that even after
all it's been through,
it stills remains just as soft
as it continues to love.

-k.p

i remember
scribbled i love you's on
coffee shop napkins
tucked away in journals to be
rediscovered again soon
and i notice the way you
tap your fingers on your steering wheel
to every song that comes on
and i love these little things about you

i am selfish and want more of these moments
but know our time together is limited

every day i am missing you
every day i am hoping you miss me too

-k.w//distant love

I'm afraid I'll always be the nails buried deep in my palms, the excuses behind why I let him hurt me, and the reason she tried to end her life.

This is anything but strength,
and I am constantly showering my hurt over everyone like debris over a war zone,

and I can't help but to feel so toxic.

lately,
this hospital room
has felt more like home
than anywhere else,
with days spent fearing
gravestone silence and
latex stings.

and when our tears
meet the ground,
they sound a lot
like sirens, and
we are just ghosts
condemned to
brittle bones.

-k.p//sirens bring us home

I look into the mirror
and sadness immediately washes over me,
as I stare into the cold eyes
of my biggest enemy.

She is not a nice girl.

She is nothing but stubborn,
and she hides herself away in layers and layers of bitterness.
If anyone manages to climb her walls,
they will be disappointed when they reach the top.
And they will only have the time to say, "Is this really it?"
before she pushes them away,
and then she will wonder why nobody loves her.

She is not a pretty girl.

Scars are littered up and down her body.
Her lips are always chapped,
and no amount of make-up can hide the bags
that have made homes under her exhausted eyes.
At her feet you will see old nail-polish
cracked and half gone,
and she doesn't care to take the rest off either.
She'll pretend not to care about anything.

And tears sting my eyes,
as I realize my worst enemy,
lives inside me.
Constantly breathing over my shoulder,
telling me,
"You will never be good enough."
And I believe her.

You have inhabited my 2am thoughts, and although I want to remind you just how much I love you in these hours, I know these aren't like old times. So I'll stare at my ceiling—reciting these lines— in attempt to muffle the sound of my heart breaking each night.

You have found home in my favorite songs, and although music is my escape from everything else, it has never been an escape from you. For every verse has a way of bringing up our love, and every chorus has a way of bringing up tears.

Memories of you have resided in the spines of all my books. I'll pretend the playlist you made me in December isn't the bookmark in one of them still. Either way, they are all collecting dust on my shelf now.

You are the common strand running through all my recent lines, and I want to stop titling all my heartbroken words with your name.

-k.w//you, you, you

I am composed of all
the broken promises
and forbidden secrets
of others.
I am a shelter to many,
and even after they've left,
these pieces will
remain safe within me—
always.

-k.w//vault

He watches as
I ache, listens to
the sound of bones
splintering at his
feet, and falls
into stillness
once more.

There is no
presence near
enough to hold me,
and I am clinging
to empty pages,
begging to
be heard.

k.p

love is not a switch
you can turn on and off—
you either always feel it,
or it was never there at all.

And when I believed
that no one could ever fix me
and make me feel whole again,
he did.

And when tears were
streaming down my cheeks
and I thought no one would ever
lift my face towards the sun,
he did.

And when I shouted words
that no one understood
and everyone eventually stopped listening,
he still did.

And when I finally
felt unstoppable
and like I had the world at my fingertips,
and no one could ever take that away from me,

he ******* did.

-k.w// He Did

writing these words,
reliving this pain,
i can't tell if it's
stitching me
back together or
tearing me
apart.

-k.p

There is not enough emphasis
on the words
"I love you"
so I will loop all your favorite songs
in every moment of my free time,
and search for deeper meaning
behind all the words you write;
I'll wonder what's keeping you up
when you text me at 4am,
and I'll look forward to
the next time I get to hold your hand
and watch our favorite movies.

You are so lovely,
and "I love you" is not
enough.

-k.w//Will

It's funny how the calm ocean
that roars inside of you,
can turn into a raging, violent storm,
at the reaction to my words.

Words so simple,
so quietly spoken,
most wouldn't even listen.
My words are often overlooked,
or minimized,
and that's why I was so surprised
when you listened very closely,
and turned, dark and against me.

I have learned that my biggest creations,
were better left unspoken.
Safe from criticism,
or hate,
or judgement.
Just locked away in the back of my mind,
that way I can fantasize
the fact that I might make it happen,
someday.

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
then your body would become a temple of inked love songs
and sappy heart felt poems.

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
I'm afraid I would never stop talking,
and I would fill your brain with the idea that you are my rising sun.
My reason to wake every morning,
my reason to make it through.

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
I don't think you would ever doubt your self-worth again because
I love you. I love you. I love you,
and saying those three words will never be enough for me.

We never found
tragedy in one
another.

-k.w

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would take the freckles
that are scattered across the bridge
of your nose
and have found home under your eyes,
and make galaxies far more beautiful
than the ones above us now.
For you, are far more beautiful than any constellation,
and you deserve something beautiful in return.

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would make your heartbeat
the new hit song that everyone can't
stop listening to.
Because it carries a beat so calming,
even the most troubled souls would
stop and hum along.
For you, bring peace to the darkest corners of my mind,
and you deserve peace in return.

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would take that smile,
and inject it directly into my veins.
Because I can claim that medication and therapy
heal the darkest parts in me,
but it would not compare to what your smile
does to me.
For you, have healed me,
and you deserve healing in return.

People admire the skies above them,
yet find it hard to love their rainy days.
For it's not easy to love something where
no light can be found.

And I can't help but wonder
if people think the same of me—
Am I only lovable on days when
I can offer clear skies?

-k.w//The Rain & I

Your presence still haunts me,
and there are still pieces of you that I find
within every waking moment.
I don't know why I find myself
writing only about you.
I remember when you wrote about me too,
but the good times are slipping away from my mind,
and soon all I'm left with
are the harsh words you threw at me before you left.

And now, I guess it's clear
why you're all that comes to mind when I write.
Because if I don't have you down on paper,
I suppose I don't really have you at all.

It was the way
we fell silent
the second your
hand brushed mine—
We are both so
hesitant, and I am
still learning
how to love.

-k.p//let's pretend it's nothing

I'll show you the thick white lines
that are traced along my veins,
if you promise to still love me
in the morning.

Because I can't imagine
waking up one day without you,
but I can't think about hiding a secret
that's written all over my body either.

And I've been the only one
to bandage these wounds for so long,
but at the same time,
I'm the one that puts them there.

So please still love me in the morning,
and don't ever think you're the reason why
my wrists are sore.

You are the stitches
that bring me back together.

-k.w

I have spent too many nights
scratching at my skin,
begging it to forget
your touch.

-k.w//you remain

He left bruises
and called it affection,
and now I'm left in
unfamiliar territory—
waiting for the moment
when you decide to love me
in a way that'll make me
feel at home,
if only for a little while.

-k.w//aftermath