I look into the mirror
and sadness immediately washes over me,
as I stare into the cold eyes
of my biggest enemy.

She is not a nice girl.

She is nothing but stubborn,
and she hides herself away in layers and layers of bitterness.
If anyone manages to climb her walls,
they will be disappointed when they reach the top.
And they will only have the time to say, "Is this really it?"
before she pushes them away,
and then she will wonder why nobody loves her.

She is not a pretty girl.

Scars are littered up and down her body.
Her lips are always chapped,
and no amount of make-up can hide the bags
that have made homes under her exhausted eyes.
At her feet you will see old nail-polish
cracked and half gone,
and she doesn't care to take the rest off either.
She'll pretend not to care about anything.

And tears sting my eyes,
as I realize my worst enemy,
lives inside me.
Constantly breathing over my shoulder,
telling me,
"You will never be good enough."
And I believe her.

I am not sure there are words to explain my
Loathing –
Of that diminutive seen icon.

It reduces me to being exposed –
To myself – to my feeling
The raw and cutting pinch
That jars the edges of my heart,
Of my sensitivity.

That putrid button
Has lead me to realise
My love for you is real –
And it has been denied.

I woke up this morning
with an indescribable sadness.
It made me realize
that no matter how much I tell myself
I am getting better,
I am stuck.
I'm stuck in this loop
of feeling everything at once
and nothing at all-
A constant hurricane of emotion,
and this sadness has consumed me.

I want you to regret what you did to me.
I want you to have sleepless nights,
and mornings where your sadness pins you to your bed.
I want tsunamis of tears at 2am and the thought that everything is your fault.
I want regret and bitterness to fill you  like our joy use to fill each other,
and I want the broken promises to scream at you from your bedroom walls early in the AM.
I want loneliness,
so much loneliness,
and maybe then,
you'll understand the beginning of what I feel.

I only grasped you for what felt like a mere second
before you fell through my fingertips
like drops of water,
so eager to embrace the ground.

But I am not rainfall,
or autumn leaves.
I am not sleepy eyelids,
or teenage love.

I am not beautiful when I fall.

You taught me how to walk the earth
with cracked bones
and a broken heart.
And it's trying to recover
from the messy half beats
you left me with before you bailed.

And I'll lie and say that I feel the warmth of the sun,
beating down on my cold bare skin,
but deep down I know that winter
froze over me.
And the frostbite has made home
in those messy half beats of my heart.

And I'm aware that it's killing me,
but the cold and numbness,
I've found,
is oddly comforting.

-k.w//winter froze over

And I'm so glad I didn't
**** myself when you told me to
because I would have missed so much.

The dark clouds that have housed me
for three painful years are finally starting to part,
and I'm beginning to breathe again.

And although I am scared to go outside,
and although I still have days where I want to listen to you,

I am beginning to see the sun,
and oh my god,
it is so lovely.

With each passing day,
I feel my bones growing more and more tired.
And I wander if this is what it's like to grow up.
Day by day,
you slowly grow more and more sick of this world,
and I guess that's why by the time you're ninety,
you are okay with death taking you.