waking up is always the same
one lonely body
in her garden of graves
my heat is just that
my heat
my dreams are still mine
just because you haunt them -
a reminder to dread nothing
no toothless lion
clawless beast
I'll fly from your split
jolts, I never come back from
I don't believe in reach
not unless I am shown stretching
arms do not speak
but they release
it's been done
& done & done to me
freed, "you are safer like this"
loveless lips, the only ones I see
& feeding from the tips of a liar's teeth  
fed until I depended on it
then thrown into a gust
I'll fly far away from you;

& hopefully soon
when enough is e n o u g h

my instincts will kick in

I woke up tired today
even for me
I felt tied down to my sheets
tides sliding through thoughts of you
watched you glide down my shoreline
wash you out from my teeth. to. my. feet.
I think it's your eyes, darling
they're like colliding stars
I tell myself not to look
& start clutching my arms
I tell my heart to be silent
causing my chest too much harm
I was fine until your name
came and rang all my alarms
now the courtyard of my quiet
was taken from me
like breath after breath
until I no longer see
& in that very first second
I learned of that face
I knew nothing more than
maybe
it belonged in my hands
& pulled it close so I could taste it

Like fire
Lit beneath my feet
My eyes open wide
My speech
bent to scream
My knees holding all of me
Up & to the side
I wait for you
Till it's too late
I return to the same place
Where I made my mistakes
Mine
My mind
& now I'm not ashamed of them
But I'm still being shamed for them
& I'm pushing through
Pressed against it
My lips turning blue
and I can't help but be
annoyed
Exploited
It's not who I am
& I'm proving to be
Just what you want anyway
Which isn't at all
What I need

I've lost my grace tonight with whiskey
& sitting patient on a plane
I'm driven crazy by your face
& how it's swallowing my brain
I feel so
i n a p p r o p r i a t e
with the things I want to say
my hands are idle with intention
& your spine's calling my name
who do I blame this on tonight
for wanting you so bad
my nails are living for the day
they trace the inside of your back
I cannot focus now at all
I've got these i d e a s like scripture
I'm drawing down the halls I've fallen on
to make a perfect picture
the thought of you exhausts me
& I'm not ready for your swoon
for this my hands they do profess
under your dress
in your bedroom

Hey Time,
just this once
could you do me a favor ?
maybe take the night off;
I can explain my disclaimer
you've just been moving so fast
& I want back what I came for
they say you go on without us
so what the hell do we stay for ?
it's like every single second
draws a line by my mouth
I'm not the type to sit and waste you
but I've seen the work that you're about
I'm not saying that I doubt you
but you're showing me no light
I sit in the dark surrounded by
your wisps & ticking every night
i'm frightened by you, Time
you give me no guidance
instead you torture my mind
& brightly blind me with defiance
you've tried to take what was mine
when your minutes started flying
I wasted a year ignoring that
& found the opposite of silence
So i'm begging you tonight
to hand me only what I came for
press your pause button, please
so I can slowly stop the pain
for just tonight
it's all I ask
a favor easily returned
you give me back my life
I promise you
my soul you will have earned

Uphill grinning
spinning webbed-breaths under
Spring's spilling through
rows of roses, tied behind
vines that could rip anyone red
are all the
quiet notes about pretty

& what a Sunday for sailing
blossoms through drying hair and
fickle feelings about an old poem
on a blanket, how fitting

but i'm trying;
i still find rhymes under
fir trees and still get
tired from laughing

i still ask why without crying
denying only while smiling.
this is 29 in a wine glass

stretching the afternoon like my
legs in the morning
pouring out yesterday's moaning
& sure as every bird i'll be
a blinking throat
counting her money

but for now i'm just
two hands
taking an orange home
for it's honey

I lay my lighter on the title written Fire
I crawl inside a bedded box
relieve my body of attire
I tend to sleep on the right half
(the left half needs sweeping)
I need to quit seeing you lying there
I need to quit this all-night-drinking

Now who's thinking for me while I think about you ?
certainly not the same brain
that's been trained
to think things t h r o u g h

what do I do now
wanting to do you
do I
sit sit in this room  
& bang myself blue ?
do I do myself stupid
or ask again what to do ?

I am through with it
i'm through
I know just what to do
busting through lust's must
I get fronted by the view
*this front of you

wake me up
snoozed another good-morning
tried my own head
like purple
crashed every inch of skin -
how I want it
it’s Wednesday babe
what’s for lunch
what’s for good &
everyone else
How did I move
?
Take me anywhere and I’ll come
take me home & let me melt

It’s another day
a perfect one if you want it

everyone’s waiting on it
I’ve got
Lemonade
I’ve got
All day

I'm just another
bag of bones to you
because that's all we are anyway
insane eyes
crossing in every direction
getting us nowhere

It's cold outside
but I refuse to go in
the moonlight gets me high
and the wind coats my skin
with a presence
a present
i'm presently in
i'd like to forget you sometimes
but the stars
outline your bends  
and I defend my every whim
with uncertainty i'm sure
I don't know what you think about
with spells I burn your thoughts of her
I stay unsure
I am not yours
sometimes I sleep through dreams I was
some nights I fight a tired mind
& wake up screaming, just because
I do not know
I will not know
until you open up your mouth
until we're standing chest to chest
like this I'm doomed to leave the south

I am not allowed
I sleep here
I walk into these walls
I lean
I lean
A rectangle
No longer affording rest
I change my sheets
It doesn't change a thing
A sea, full
Like my mothers house
A row of coral
Beautiful and rough
& I wonder where my home is
I wonder where her home is
In doing this
Tiny bits of purple
flowers crumbled
I try to calm your
Exhausted heart
Your feet up
Your head down
Who am I to know
When nothing stays
And nothing is saved
Or amazing
who are we to grow
At this age
And I thought I knew
(something)
About you
Daring
Dared
I dare you to tell me what you're thinking
You never really do
I can't dissect
Or just won't
And reaching out
I feel pulled
Pulling like
Judgement
Nasty, jealous
Waiting
For me to
Tear it all up again
But you
You, like a quiet dog
Heavy sigh
heavy sides
As you lay down
Next to me
And me
Like a mouse
Never calm
Until I'm dying

I feel you in my face
when my teeth meet
my cheeks greet the
slight wink in my squint
my light [she]
t h e s e
nights without you
dimmed and
I squint again
to read the letters on this
film you've written
on the bridge of my limbs
with that pen you quill
finger-built
emptiness
my brim you filled
going dry
bones and head
head and neck
direct me under
refining wetness
derived from time
& time into knuckles

unbuckle me yet
I needn't bets, broken breaths
no more in-debt with regret

forgive me

exhausted by the nights & dawn
that break me over you

I've tried a thousand times and still
there's nothing I can do

I've skipped the songs
& cursed your arms
I burn inside my sleep;
to wake now wearing scars
from break-neck-love
made urgently

the truth in me
I'll never speak
of love that wouldn't keep;
my bones they lay
upon the stage
get played with bows of grief

the cellist stripped my ribs
a trick to twist in perfect fifths
& I admit, a love like this
a pain I cannot quit

it is unwise to avoid certainty
i've turned silent for landscapes
made for deprived mothers
queens to deafening men
lost of their purposes
why have they hidden her crown ?

I have your legs
but we're running such antithetical courses
Mother, I miss you but I cannot come home
I gain weight
I lose sleep
there are no lovers left for me
the wind has an ancient distaste now
for all the nights I exhaled complacency
I want to sleep with my door open
I can trust anything under a Libra moon
but never another repeated phrase
me, you
the first place I swam, the first meal
this is trust
you are love

I never learned to love mountains
but I was born with memories of them
I was born in Florida

I've picked apart women that
didn't deserve or earn it
like petals
she loves me
she loves me not
she loves me

when did I learn to grasp ?
to keep
we should be taught instead to let go          
before we are learned to catch
so we aren't holding on so tightly

I strangled myself
I learned quickly to let go
& became grateful of deep-breaths
weary of knots
weary of nots

I refuse to be my own worst enemy
I am all that is mine. all that I find is fleeting. eventually all things will lift, just as they will be dropped or put down
to keep, ha !
walk into my room
I have nothing
it is easier to breathe like this
I don't like being alone with shadows  

we are all royal
skin and salt
iron and decay
bone over brain
over-thinking our day
we are alive
we are afraid
we are okay
we are okay
we are

You're transparent
But I've found that clear pages are very hard to read

to run
stay
stand
believe

to love as an action
not as a feeling

to breathe
and to see
as with intention
& not as a need

and to need

these needs are burning wants
& I want everything in terms of
*freeing

you were an earthquake
shaking everything around me
where feet once planted firmly
you'll find me lying on the ground
I'm not here to reassure you
I don't owe a single sound
I bled when you would touch me
my insides bled with you around
Always worried I would face you
but see love, it makes me weak
and **** I knew I loved you
but you burned it out of me
I make moves
and some decisions
based upon your hands
hands i use to trust
turned into strands of broken muscles
and you took more than I had
I was entirely for giving
what you stole from me was light
cause light exposed my broken skin
and every time I think about you
my nails t u r n i n t o bullets
that I press against my temples
ready to blow through thoughts of you
like a virus in my blood
you infected all my feelings
you tore a child out of me
& until death will I forgive you

you people disgust me
i use to feel lucky
but now all i yield
is the feel of
unlucky
trust nothing
your words feel like shields
i feel yucky
as soon as i see or
spin wheels
words like
gray
names like buckley
have I spilled all our disgusting taste
you're a ******
face your ear hole my dear
I hear nothing
fear nothing
surprised by the fault
in our skies
brown eyes you mean
something
but everyone gets stuff
like something
i want more than your stuff
& your pour
fills
my
nothing

I've felt as, left-over as
last-night's left-hand & her
reclaiming, uncanny way of
well / of
my oh my, what a
good morning, I'd love to but;
I'd just need my heart back

it's the cartwheeled chaos
slapping against,
counting again to see if it works-
I'm calling my bluff I've had
enough of all the nothing.
you're the little tag on my red
the writing in black
every time it is grey until
there isn't anything left of you but
a hundred poems
the striped gills of my sorrow and
some slang cause
I ain't got it in me anymore

empty space between each f i n g e r 

the air that floats between every strand of hair

dancing around your face

countless freckles

on boundless skin 

we are shapes 

and i just want to fit somewhere 

beside you

I do not love like this
I don't love like this
but I am learning

I burn between kissing you
what I can't have wholly
& somehow I am full
too aware of what I'm doing to be foolish
I rule out sound
birds
birds
you've taken both turns
I am laying
I am left
but am not without

I must front torture to embrace love -
without fire, I cannot burn
I cannot live without that heat
char instead of ink just to write it down

we are singing a song now
quiet
you are asleep & I am dancing in the heaviness of your breathing

this bed is not a nightclub
your knees hurt
& I have never seen anything so beautiful

what do you know
about who I am
when you're deep inside my body
or holding my hand
and what do you know
about what I'm feeling
when you're staring at my eyes
do you know how much I love you
i'm finding it very hard to hide
if you could hear my thoughts
or ******* passion
you'd know that you're fastened to my ribs
can you tell by my reaction?
i'm not asking for an answer
i'm not asking for a breath
I'm begging silently on paper
that you trust what's in your chest

That moment between
Asleep & dreaming
My brain plays your face for me
& suddenly you're streaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming
My pillows keep beams of you
My sheets too
& you're being seen
You're being dreamed of
& because of this treat
I could sleep for weeks
Easily

If I'm not told
I am not whole

I don't need your affirmation darling,
but some attention would be nice

mystery is only good for its journey

& I can't go around picking up nothing

the hardest move
I've ever made;
I did it with a twist

I let go with my mouth
& then,
I let go with my wrist

I let go of some words
I'm not,
sure of what I said

& I question
if love's in our hearts,
or only in our heads ?

is it still poetry if I beg ?
a n d
am I desperate for mixing
divine with insteads ?

baby. I still have two legs ;
i could run to you

I can still make you laugh
I am in love with you

if what's done is done
I won't punish you
should you ever come back
girl I'd run to you

I've spent my morning
reading, dreaming
I listened to the rain
oh how the drops, they hit my roof
each one spelling out your name
each letter is it's own
every drop
a little fuller
& in the wet
I catch my breath
I see it pouring as I pull her
if I replace the steam that I now breathe
my gasps won't seem as cruel
that I might look up at the sky
my dear
& all I see is you

love, the ultimate expense.

in reviewing my statement in the value of memory and regret. loss, lying and this incessant lying down. the torture of wonder of other of her, that & before. numbers couldn't explore this debt with any equation other than patience and those letters devour the tables of multiplication in the repetitive puddles I sat and sipped from, in desperate bowls.
my same mouth, changing shape, the geometry of lips, count my teeth, thighs against cheeks, finding sides, counting down heart beats. press rewind, press my split. divide belief and get the meaning of y I do this to myself. no, love is not free. it is the disease in which I've married & will spend my entire life in debt.

i want to hand something to you
that we both have not seen
i'm sure you think you know more
in your decade
than in all my missed scenes
but i'm in no competition
I just want your attention
i wish you had less on your plate
than what you'd find in my kitchen
with your permission
i'd like to submit something
a premonition of my being
but these thoughts turn into dreams
& if i can't lie still
than sleep i found
is hard to achieve
when i carry nothing;
what do we sing for ?
when that curtain drops pressure
it's not something i'd lean on
but an idea
of a beautiful woman
an impossible girl
the kind that sends your knees to the ground
she'll make your jaw hit the floor

sunburnt stitches girl
you're early grasp I'm
itchy grass
& I can't, I'm mad
I can't I can and cannot stand
how it still goes
I keep quiet I
still walk barefoot on this shell-sharp sand
still crawl through the memory of your legs
back of the head regret, on top of another body
it's just coffee it's just
time after time
never the right amount of miles

I want to
stop loving you now
cause sometimes
I wish I could scream the word out loud
use your name
so they know all of these were always to you

swallow her, swallow her
till we're both gone
and I guess
it's your choice on
and on
which bone you want clean
& I float regret for not asking

i'm letting you fold over me
and keeping still isn't allowed here
I haven't stopped spinning since you led me

I haven't stopped spinning

secrets become miracles
like a mirage or dance
like being kissed or ******
it's all rain and ruin anyway
unless it's you and then it's

not mine
& how many minutes till it's warm
till it's done

I can't beg someone to
become you or me become her because it's never that easy
no time machines
no moons or
I don't celebrate ordinary suggestions
because we are all born accidentally
like perfect
mirages or miracles
dancing in secrets
wet with secrets
but someone learns to love you

& I've tried to pretend, or something

An angel sleeps
so far away from me
she use to be
a dream I would pray for

her heart it bleeds
as she begs me to see
e v e r y t h i n g
we laid down and stood for

better than me
cause she feels effortlessly
the truth that pries
and pounds on my front door

But I still leave
like i'm too blind to believe
that I could have been
all that she hoped for

One day she'll see
when she is forgetting me
that she's a Queen
that she deserves so much more
than
me

I imagine outer space to feel like this.
like;
no matter what, I can't lie down.
seeing a star that close made
all else seem
so much less bright.
I'm unimpressed.
I just want to love again but, you left that spell on me.
my eyes don't see color anymore,
my arms aren't reaching.
you printed poems onto my bones.
my mouth won't let me say marvelous and my hands quit thinking.
I'll turn to dust like this darling.
I'll be a little sandstorm on your
shore for awhile and
dizzily dissolve into your
winsome crashing.

Emilia

What a beauty I saw
as you strutted on past me
Singing a 70's tune on the sidewalk
looking absolutely classy
Your hair was long
and your skirt, kinda flashy
your eyes were set free
from your cute little glasses
your voice was like a blade
you sliced me like an apple
you were a glowing caramel latte
in a crowd full of *******
I remember your presence
luminescent as the moon
over a castle in the forest
and how you light up every room
you're in my blood like we're one body
I rep you proud with a tattoo
there's not a day that I don't miss you
or a minute wishing I didn't have to

I'd like to exhale the frail spell I put upon you
Remove your bells so I can't hear you coming
& I could refrain from being distant
cause missing you is listed
under categories of feeling numb
but i can't explain why i'm so **** inconsistent
cause deep down I know you'll leave and i'll lose you
and soon enough when I can't breathe
it'll be because the words stuck in my throat won't loosen
cause only you loosen me up
& i feel tied down to this

I thought I heard you whisper
before I heard you speak
knowing nothing
a b o u t
you
I politely took a seat
now these
days I've spent
and mornings
drinking memories
of a face
that I now long for
haunting
every part of me
an accidental kiss
can feel so monumental
an encounter just like this
can make the soul feel
transcendental
connections give us strength
for they are
natural
and simple
it is the circumstance we thank
for making love in life
essential

I like to
sit with it in days
that way
I'm not driven insane

& you're so easy to remember
the way I love you like winter
you're early November

but those are only seasons
and seasons
they pass
& I'm sad but
so grateful
slow memories last

I won't bash or
be hateful
I like what we had

You held
my hand and my head
& I'm okay with that

you know from the moment
you
stop feeling beautiful
she said it
wasn't suppose to matter
and
I always want
what's
gone

& you're always gone
so what's beautiful
without your forearm
without our throats
& when I can't hear you

cause I'm not writing poetry
I'm filing a complaint
in a love letter
to your name

it's all about focusing different
being kind is the key
am I still *******?
or finally free
cause I can't breathe and I need to scream badly
I can't breathe and you will always be
way more than being seen when I see you
now I'm less likely to dream cause I'm such a deep sleeper
& when i fall beneath
I just hope you fall deeper

I have to watch my steps now
So i'm not always tripping
Tried to forget what believing felt like
and what i'm not always missing
I want to start forgetting now
all of what I knew
Cause I didn't know her
and I don't know you
I guess it's all up to me now
to find the right things to do
but I've run out of moves
I tripped twice last night
over my shoes and the moon
& biting my tongue these days
is getting easier to do
but the shake makes me loose
& i'll break if I lose it
So I'll face this today
and I won't waste all my minutes
on the hours I spent and days
on resentment
& I pray for the day
for the day it won't matter
I hope by then I get smarter
I hope by then I feel better

it's the longing that does it;
being deprived nightly
& over again
of your southern inhale
that skin
when did I begin this
masochistic, bloodthirstiness
born at 26
your picture in my right hand
like my ribs had tastebuds
& I needed to give my limbs to you  

and it's the longing that does it;
garden me darling
dig with bare hands
starved fingertips
my entire body
under every one of your nails

sometimes, I wonder what you think about
when your eyes are closed
through all the florescent shapes that
melt and bend around the objects
you were focusing on before;
and if it's ever me
I've been seeing you everywhere
today I saw you in the ocean
I listened to waves and rocks
crash beneath my feet
and while that child laughed with every gull
I thought I heard you speak
for the past hour
I've stayed silent
listening only to the incessant caw of these ravens
and praying they never stop
& wished instead to hear your footsteps
with every leaf that dropped
I'm having a hard time with your face today
that I so badly want to kiss it
& fearing for my sanity
that I should ever miss it
circumstance is such a strange concept to me
it's when I c a n n o t be with you
that
I can no longer
breathe

Nothing you say now
Feels familiar and I
Thought I'd never see the day
I couldn't count on anything
Not even numbers
I just roll my eyes
I roll them so when I look back
the pain from straining
Will stop the remembering
And I'm forced to wait
To see clearly again

I'm ready to bow out
Give up
& Leave it all behind
Teach me how to give up what I believe in
When it was so hard for me to find
Peace of mind
Some peace of mind
Would do me good tonight
Another fight with my might
& one more bottle of wine

I can’t plant my thoughts straight

the garden-bed in my head looks more and more like a moss plague 

this facade fades 
as her faces breaks 
into gray shades 
like a clay stain

it’s a disdained slain

when my brain frames

the notion

of being a train chained to an airplane

it is 12:02
I can hear the bell at the mission
it's holy alarm
beats of your syllables today
you, my midday meal
I'll likely starve
but you're feeding me numbers
less & less everyday
thinning 'till I binge on you

I've stopped seeing clearly
this lack of oxygen is absolutely thrilling
I'm just a crow in your intricate pinfold
however beautiful the build, careful
I am locked, without stretch
& somehow you are free to roam

I only ask to rest on your arm but you've been claimed by dogs, honey.
I'm not one to fly around heads either, i'd rather rest in your trees,
but trees don't grow in cages and I use to fly with my eyes closed before this.

as temporary as seconds
& constant like a calender
I've always hated math
I can't count on numbers the way I do letters
but I have smelled you on every numbered page
& I've been counting down these days like hail
waiting patiently on your storm

today
i crawled over in my grave
safely
and that's
okay
with my way
because lately
your name tastes vague
and untasty
like a grave or rotten pastries
it's okay
i'm still gay
i still taste the
same
but i crave
a new name
like
like
lately
I'm hasty
a bit hazy
still insanely
calling your name
like my frame had a replay button
did you say somethin?
you refrain woman
you think your game is playing
you obtain nothin
but i gain something
a new brain function
a new name for it
I'd be down on the floor
but i'll sustain from it
and you'll regain a substance
one made out of gunk
a replayed nothing
I just learned from it
i learned some girls are worth
more than my brain numbeth
but that brain cometh with a new plan
like like
tonight i'll burn you down
and every memory of loving you
i'll breathe flames from it
and burn my way from it
i prayed all day
because the brave plummet and we're worth more than
relationship frumps we're higher than
down
in the dumps
i trust nothing i'm stumped
i'm still frowning
i'm dumped
you know not of this chump
goodnight now that i'm done
you'll now run from it
please run from it
i'd spell it all out
but her letters thumb crumb summits
it's a plum turned into a prune
sweet but unripe
gum
unchewed but alright
come at night and sleep
sleep like you
sleep like
sleep
with me like we
sleep
like only we sleep

duplicated hills
spilling thrills upon water
I watched the sun go down
I watched the bay change
& I wondered
why do i drive late at night
just to be all alone
get me away from this bridge
& take me back home
I'm spilling my guts tonight
& I don't care who sees it
I have enough on my plate
to feed every beast needing
I wish I could spin this wheel
& flip me around
park my car in your yard
in your bed I'd lay down
but I cannot tonight
my thoughts are all slipping
but i think I've grinned enough
to sleep tight where i'm living
there is a chance this night
to see your sweet face
if i could just close my eyes
& sleep now
to not waste
another second
being selfish
in writing this out
i wish to wake up with you
i n s t e a d  o f
face down

when did "love"
suddenly become
such difficult a means
days with dented ribs
making it hard for me to breathe
when all at once
so easily
it got handed straight to me
impossible is the grab now
confusing youth with
being free
& I haven't any fight
left inside of me
I cannot chase you on my knees
my dear
I owe this love zero more fees
if it is mine then I shall have it
if it is not, then you must leave
I cannot play
a n y m o r e
guessing-games
praying you still *remember me