I've spent my morning on adjectives,
trying kindly to describe her. I couldn't make them fit. I'd lost the joy in remembering us & saw under my eyes what difference the kitchen floor made. Quite sad a way to look at something so beautiful. One heartbreak away from holiness, I'm afraid I've forgotten how to long for something. I found metaphors under the rocks I'd grown too large to hide under and sometimes it's just worth digging in dirt to find the proper use of my indignance. My not-so-subtle search for dignity. & after all the cigarettes and kicking, I made my coffee and a vow to myself. That I would leave my bones where they were from now on. That I was a woman, full of blood and empathy and feeling sorry for myself was useless. That I hadn't fallen in love after all. I'd leglessly tripped face first  & from now on, I was going to watch where I stepped.

I don't want now
to
forget you
but I need
a silent night;
& I am
frightened by the poetry
you've blinked into my mind
& now it's been that i can't
want you
how it
tortures
both my thighs
I have to
pretend I don't love you
& none of it feels right
I'd like to
untie & u n d o
all of the knots that tie me down
to knuckles that you've used
to smooth all of it out
but all your
smearing won't remove
it only
spread it all around
& while you sleep so
far away
I've had to learn to breathe
face-down

what could she say for me to lose you ... ?
i'm in a war against keep
fighting an army of loose truth
& if you win, who loses ?
& if you lose, do I approve blue ?
it isn't sane for me to choose clues
over an ocean of proved truth

what do I lose if I lose you ?
all of my come-trues
have become you
& if you lose me, do you lose ?
I'm not this someone to hold onto
we can expand views if you choose to
open a window or your mouth
either will do
not to confuse strews with don't do's
I am through with all this proving
I'm a wanter wanting all of you
ensuing all this sousing

I believe that
every bone has a story
that even the sun gets tired
and
that's why it rains /
I saw you waltzing
in and out like, you'd gotten lost
you keep sayin' in
everyone else's tongue so I'd
finally forgotten what you sound like;
it's been, all chop & pour anymore so,
I gently shut all of those, doors against
locks I'd given away the keys to.
they'd find me out the window,
into wet gardens of snails and worm
a stolen bird with no nest
doesn't want a handout
just more time to
make back her bed

I'm having beer for breakfast
& you're nowhere around
freed a completed checklist
of my spine spiraling down
I'm queen
I'll eat you legless
your knuckles form my crown
through your deep breathing down
your knees become my necklace
and I'm pushing through your sounds  
it's the bed that's shaking now
but you feel it in the ground
your sweat has met the sheets
and through your bones
I feel you now
between our breaths
we're chest to chest
I fumble through your brown
with every strand tied in my hand
and both your lips against my mouth

I get so
dizzy and
want to drink you

it’s just Tuesday-hey
but it’s
green and keeps
singing

hi it’s me

hi it’s

e v e r y evening

hey it’s

lee-press-on love songs
to patch up
e v e r y feeling

hi from
me from the floor
& make me your ceiling

incredible
heart-throb
I’m full stop
still feeling
every feeling

incredible
hi there
I’m not scared of
all of these things  

But it’s just
Tuesday

it’s so **** green
& just keeps on singing

i'd
ripped up a list
with some
things that i've written
things I have gripped
to survive

a fish made of glass
that's been
swimming in madness
constantly
swallows her pride

salt water drips
from her lids
to her lips
drying ripples on
both of her thighs

but there's something
about mornings &
loving that woman
that keeps me up
most of the night

my lips, limbs
this skin
I don't recognize them
I breathe out
& breathe in
my lungs do without it
how did it begin
to then end
before it is poured
I am opening doors
it is yours
this is yours
I'm picking my sores
& my bones off the floor
I cannot bend anymore
all of my laces have torn
& I'll front-face a storm
I haven't a fear of disaster
it is my hope that gets choked
& sharp pains replace laughter
what did I look like before this
& who's is this voice
what comes after you've left
I do not have a choice

I've not been known to nest low
I've stayed fairly high
but I've been let go to shatter
& glass birds do not fly

blown proportions
using bodies as poetry
to run from & out of verbs

upon request you just said
mine and
what a delicate thing
to still believe
in something

rightfully
i'm left
i've been wrecked
now arrest me
with your legs
'round my neck
this is wreck-less
i'm a wreck, see?

an ocean filled with sharks
swimming faster than I blink
& all the sharks inside this deep
are all swimming after me
do I surf it out and see
what's waiting up for me
that i attack, i should bite back
like i'm the only one with needs
girl I have wings
& I have feathers
they're just much heavier than yours
they aren't wispy, they aren't soft
it's kind of like i'm made of swords
i'm still a bird
or just a girl
with way too many worlds
I'm sure of what I want
i'm just not sure of where to go
who's to say like who should know
when i've been blinded by your glow
it's just with all of this unknown
I do not need to want you more

it isn't setting for me
to want t h i n g s before sleep
or to wake up
finding
I still want the same things
my want turned into a haunting
I become tightened in my sheets
& you're the ghost I want the most
so come possess me as you please

every sip
that enters
sends shivers
down my legs
and the burn
in return
goes straight to my head
I use this juice
to fuel
uses
of what
you
just
read
this ***
is a drum
that plays music
to
my chest
and turns it red
this ism in my genetics
i've learned to embrace it
this drink
makes me think
I refuse to erase it
ceremonial to me
and less like disease
cause it pleases
the need
for me
to write down
anything
like i'm awake
but i'm dreaming
see dreaming is queen
and queens are things
that mean
everything to me
so I keep drinking
and thinking
and writing it down
i'm thinking of
drinking
while writing this down

silver linings don't exist honey;
those are your veins

You see;
Keeping a dog on the leash
is not easy
Cause chasing tail is so
incredibly appeasing
The pull teases until you release my leash
My teeth breaking through petals of meat
I'm chewing through
your shoes and excuses
I'm a nuisance when i'm loose
But you already knew this
Throw me a bone here
I'm starved for your scraps
I'd sit in your lap
but you're afraid that i'll attack
you're afraid that if this strap snaps
I'll run fast and never come back
bribe me with snacks
& take naps with me
lets be happy
I'll show you how good I can be
without my leash
One day, you'll see it
but by then i'll be gone
someone else's dog
someone else's add on

Until the front porch swing loses all it's comforts
and all the words become blocks of ice
between rocks
or an overly sized brushstroke of black
against all this green surrounding
and all I am is cold this summer
when all I ever wanted to do was hold you
I watched beauty morph into
untouchable, I watched it turn it's back on me
I feel like I can see my skin aging in your eyes
I feel ugly, withering, dry
desperate for my eyes to weigh less
I close them and stand up
drinking the last drop of my coffee
to block the swell rising too quickly in my throat
I know that i'm using these minutes incredibly untrue
I rise quickly to let you
think more about your cons on this list we've been writing
and I go
mad
I go crazy
I go without
I draw out the blow
that inevitably split us in half
and no sunset could ever fix that

good night* is just a little phrase
we say before we sleep
to stop our heads from thinking much
it allows me now to dream
& oh the word is only heard
in bed before your snoring
it's my favorite phrase
because i know
it's followed by
*good morning

Should I shield myself
I'll feel nothing
If I open my chest up
My heart will start its running
My blood starts over flooding
Then suddenly
we're nothing
If this is what nothing feels like
Then I'd like to just feel something
Else
Something healthy
Like a hand
Something heavy

Something touching something else
You touched me far before you met me

Counting stars & feeling small
Small like it felt
right when you left me
But left just isn't right girl
Hard as rocks before you wrecked me
Sharp as shards and twice as deadly
Now I sit here like a log
& even the frogs have all misread me
My own heart is out to get me
But I will not say a word
This time
I'll stay focused on mine
While you try & look for yours

love is
it is;
it's
to wish you
well-off
not to dissolve

while melting
and honey,
I'm melting

why can't I
can't I
can't
I can't
catch this
catch my
gasp, ******
this breath

why can't I have it ?
I've had it
with
astronaut emotion
head in outer space
what goes up
must come down

but I've been

d
o
w
n

drowned & coming up for air
at the last second to explode
the need to inhale
something
you or air

I c a n n o t decide which feels better

you
you're just a thought in my mind
and i
i'll be fine
without you
( daydream )
you won't hear my calling for
anything at all
and now when I redo us
i'll bust out my big guns
and it'll be nothing like before
cause nobody trusts that
it's done with
i spit it out with my left lung
my third rib
and i finished it off
quivered
cause most of the time it's just like
t h i s  
quivered;
but even the shaken warm again
and i'm fine until then
i'm being p a t i e n t
i'm being complacent with the situation being placed adjacent to my observation
my loss of sensation; inspiration
or the strange complaisant state I relate and stay in
or the location you placed on every plain of our sensation
creates my saddest frustration
that we're past tense
d o n e
I erased it
that at night when you bite down
hard
you still taste it

take my chest
take my chest
and all of it's ache
away with my breaths
that you take everyday
take my tongue
take my mouth
cause I don't need to speak
these words, my mind
I eat & lose them
take my teeth
take my wants and take my needs
all they do is cause me grief
take my knees
you make them weak
would you please hold these things for me ?
now take my ribs
you take my ribs
& I do not want them back
you take my lungs
you take my heart
and all of her attacks
please take my head
you take my head
and hold it in your hands
tell it what you want
cause it does not understand
I give my organs
make you hold them
I gave you all of me
and if you don't agree
than please tonight, just take my eyes
and with them take these dreams
I cannot sleep
I'll never sleep
when you're all I can see

there's a slow burn in her words
I've come familiar with drawls
I watch your voice turn to coffee
I sip from your jaw
I'm not thirsty, just nervous
speaking in black caffeine tongues

"I'll fiend before it starts
& I'll feel clean after it's done"

cause you can't run from the two lungs
catching breath after breath

& you can't squeeze life back from death
if it is dead
then it is dead

spilt on
spinning
another metal-goodnight another
"I hope we're alright"
darling it's Sunday
honey it's numbers like,
four and
ten; it is fourteen, I'm spent
I'm done saying I'm
bent and yours and-or-hers, I'm
again I am, against this
might as well say
tired, my god
I'm allowed to be quiet
I can't fix tired or change what's burnt
I won't
move for you if it hurts
I won't
if it hurts
& I can float from humility but
I won't if you serve it
I
do not think it is worth it

I've wrapped up
& taped down all my breaths
(This time)
Instead of
you
Always taking them away

Let's start with some words
before we go any further
before I get lost in this world
that exists on your shoulders
before I allow you to break me in
& wear me out
I'm about to convince my nerve endings
that we need to fly south
but I flout
I doubt bouts
as I
shut
down
my mouth
in fear of every word
burning
my insides & out
cause they are loud
& it shrouds me
like a cloud or thick smoke
you evoke this hoax that I've drowned in
& throw boats down my throat
how can I float in a landslide ?
it's making me dizzy
how can I grow if your lies are what's keeping me busy?
it's misery really
& the feel won't fulfill me
so I dump myself out and rebuild what i'm missing
I spilled all the will I had left for this feeling

I found
Your heart
B e a t i n g
Under your t-shirt
So
Finders k e e p e r s
You keep me your secret
When I'm not kept easy
& it burns

on quieter occasions
& they were all just moments
I'd close to meet your truth
different coasts, different rooms
that, I'd noticed in you
cause I'd kissed like this too;
like the kiss itself had a mind
it wanted to mean what it was doing;

I generously swallowed my pride

that there is never a right time
never a right place
for anything

it always just comes down to honesty
and reason

and I can't reason with my truth anymore
I don't know how to stop
how to end this, *being in love with you

I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight

uprooted and tripped
I grip sticks
& lift myself
Up through the earth
I surf dirt
Tiny seconds of this
Tiny seconds of bliss
& rocks like
Steps
Steps
Steps
Built just for me
In this
Extravagant garden
This overlooked rock
A spot
I always long for

it's one of those
things; how
coffee, after dinner
sounds good but
you can't sleep when you get home &
how the trees look so beautiful
dying and gold
still, outside it freezes you
down to your bones
it's when you feel like that
last slice of cake that
got left out
it's this
breathing to scream but
don't open your mouth
I've been
digging for reason
buried in doubt
to believe in what's good when
that isn't allowed &
I've swallowed my gun
it was loaded with love but
it shot out my lungs
I learned love's not enough

Please
stop me if I speak to much
but don't blush when I punch you
when the brink of my preach gets rough
cause what kind of lover am I
and what kind of family man
who leaves when he wants
letting go of softer hands
and with no thought out reason
cause it was christmas and I loved you
and soon it will be christmas again
without either fingers
or arms or wrists or anyone
tearing toys on the floor
I want more of this
you see
but I fight a demon inside of me
& he doesn't like to see me happy
does he

these people and their problems
these women and their bodies
my mouth is a circus
my head is in the clowns
and
I'm holding you steady as to shoot
my love for you's on a noose
but not you
you're holding me loose
a still-life painting of some fruit
but
what
is
this fruit
without any juice
what is the use
tell me, what is the use
            
*?

it is
in-between sentences
diagonal;
directing a conversation you can't have/
the need to protect the pride
Lie on something similar, like
thick grass; emptied cartons of
unfinished favors, leftover excitement/
somewhere else to put your perfect hands
silver, white seconds
pumping your gallop
against the lips, out loud
louder
against the sureness of breath-beside-sleep
louder until we open up
breaking it down for my sanity
tell me you felt me, once
just
to my diaries of you
my need
dried coral reef
doesn't grow under palm trees, darling
pumped from
your need
& why you should be . . .
so very
so very
*brief
with
me

?

I've constantly been floating
my body is a boat
& i can't see which way i'm going
no one wants to climb inside
these lonely oars
they aren't rowing
but these waves
pull me away
from the shores
i call my home
the water's cold
and without knowing
there's a hole
inside my sole
there's a flood inside my stowage
and i'm sinking rather slowly
I know not of where i'll go
now that i am no longer floating
at least i know
that fish have hope
for boats with holes
to build a home in

Tonight I want to
write something beautiful

say it perfect so you call it a poem

read it again;
How pretty
now that it’s about you

call me
call it love on Tuesday
again like cinnamon
tomorrow like coffee

never too early
late like my timing &
no-meaning-nothing

good morning
cheers too for something

kiss the moon
smack the sun
eat a star and call it breakfast
I dare you

By the way
Before I pass out
I want to say
that you're a babe
And not like a beach babe
or
like pancakes or anything
like that -
But like a babe, babe
Like the most gorgeous girl
Your voice is playing games with my sheets
and I can't sit still
I'm trying to sleep
but
I'm too excited
that
You'll be in my dreams
My pillows can't stand me
I can't stand where you are
And
You can't stand where I've been
And none of that will matter
After we get where we are going
Where does it start?
From the heart?
The heart deals like a shark would at a park in the dark
& I feel just like that **** shark
Drowning in all the bubbles you just blew in my mouth

Love & loss
these women
Are like knives
That slice through your throat
Over and over again
Tearing skin
Losing breath, voiceless
And leaves you wet on the floor
unsure of things you'd instilled in yourself
Way before
Unsure of who you fell in love with
Empty and caving in
balled up like another mistake
& watching you replace it

s o m e t i m e s
late at night
while I'm gawking at the sky
I make up spells with the stars
I play your face in my mind
and with your chains I am guided
through space & inside time
there is a life wherein you're mine
a silent light behind my eyes
it does the opposite of blind
& I am enlightened by this find
I say your name quite q u i e t l y
that even the birds feel so inclined
that i'm reminded of your smile
every time I watch them fly
you're like a diamond in a dream
that shines inside of wind-chimes
playing songs during my sleep
my own *r o m a n t i c lullaby
the brightest beam I've ever seen
you belong beside the sky
& sometimes
just s o m e t i m e s
things aren't always as they seem
you know you can't say that to me
for I know exactly what i've seen

Had I used half the wit I get from my mother, I wouldn't have crowned you with every ounce of my mouth or crawled, calling you the Queen in the kingdom under my covers

the truth tonight is useless
I know what you'll say
you'll say how much you love me
and for me to go away
this proposed disposal
makes a girl feel like a queen
buried 9 feet
underground  
from there is where I scream
thinking I was settled
guess I didn't learn a thing
cause here I am just spinning
catch me puking in the sink
draw out all these nights
on a tiny piece of paper
write down what I am
then rip it up for later
trying to be patient
and waiting for your call
******* up my chance to talk
I think I'll drink them all
prepare yourself for pain my dear
that's all you'll eat tonight
swallow it like fire
it's the burn you will not like
trust yourself and you will find
a tiny piece of mind
& if she no longer wants you
then you must leave her behind

I’m waiting
Wanting to swim in the mouth of Summer
I’m waiting

**** out the roots too
pull everything out like you mean it
Return me to space
or wherever I was before this
Return me to my body

I’m ready for sweat
I’m ready for barely

I can’t feel it
but I feel it
Like Deja vu
smells like afternoon & salt
butter it up
stay awake tonight

I’ve been reading this book
the entire time
I’ll underline it for you

Tell me everything you haven’t yet
and I’ll kiss it quietly
be my weekend & my Wednesday

shut me up with another one
still & stuck
do me a favor and
don’t do me any

keep me like a charm
it’s going to taste so much better
warm

I wanted to see the sunset
so I watched it over my book

& sometimes I wish I'd met you out

I'm digging my feet as deep into the sand as my ankles will allow
i can wear the day like my shoes. the earth as my boots

my gift
I stood present with you
i was
wet paint
spilling herself in a
gallery
when the artist had gone
so I
find myself
touching the knife

except

you let me love your dogs

love is in the silence
the nothing that fronts completion
the smell and ******
trusting in care
it is in caring

quieting down for the loud of your lover
love like this, completely or
do not claim the word
love is in the consistency and not the pattern
finding love in the letting

love is in the letting and moving
the dancing of bodies

it is in forgetting
and pulling it all through

the way two bodies feel in bed
waking up wanting to do it all
over and over and over again

I let you inside
every time
and the times that I don't
is because you're no where to be found
you make me laugh and make me want
to taste the sound of your voice
I laugh, you catch my hand
and let me taste all of your noise
you are an angel
such beauty in his brand
I know i'm not good at you yet
but then again maybe I am
and your lips are so unreal to me
your skin is like dessert
you tempt my need to be an astronaut
when you release me from this earth
I forget all of my patterns
my boxes open up
you're a breath of mountain air
you're like water in my cup
and our lips can out-dance
anyone
i've known this to be true
and you'll always be a dream of mine
til' I can have what's left of you

surround me with your light darling
mine is going out
it's these nights
this air-fill that I desperately search for
killing my time with someone else's
I inhale my evenings
I flood and burn every feeling
i'm not trying to drown myself
but I do, all the time
these bottles sink
these cigarettes stink
i'm trying to float to you
but I can't swim in the dark
and at some point
my eyes turn everyone into you
and I turn into someone else

I'm still just standing in my own ashes
the debris in which I've burned,
night after night for you

learning there are no breaths
deep enough

& I can't tell if the whiskey is helping
then again
neither is the screaming

try shaking off
what's been chained to you;
pulling skin from bone
shouldn't feel like home
and a big bowl of
whatever it is you want from me

you see, I keep having this dream
where you are
so
happy to see me
& now I can't seem to
appreciate mornings

it's been
a hundred days of bleeding
in need of
something unkeepable
something my arms can't possibly
reach for

when
all my
words
I keep warm for you
straight through my
frozen throat
a broken chest plate
just in case
you need them to save you

For now
Only a hit will do
A drink too
You might as well
Make it two
I'm playing myself now
playing the fool
I need this fuel to undo you
You swallowed me whole
Is this how you'd un-chew me?
Undo me
How to misconstrue truth -
Either way
our ends got loose
& either way
I knew I loved you

the last few nights
i've been writing
frightened
trying to decide
what's right
in my mind
but i'm blinded
by this time
this time
this space
it doesn't make sense to me
to erase you
while
you replace me
i've never felt so empty
as i do
right now
reaching out to you
and knowing you
don't want it
i'm being selfish
i can't accept this
and pounding my head
against this table
why do i torture myself
when she doesn't want me

I said enough when it wasn't  
my like for a mountain of
mouths to **** time
& I'm still standing in the hallway;
happening upon where it went
or
if you could have helped it
I know I couldn't
when I can hardly stand or
stand it
built a lump of love in the blue dark
during wine
she's just
a woman in jeans
a heavy thought against my knees or
something I think I need to
belong with me

my first love letter
my first gin and tonic
you planted passion in me
you were older
and I was under
& you didn't live in Texas
and I wonder sometimes
about you
and if when I was
16 that any of my
w i s h e s
for you would ever come true
and they didn't
but I always got you
you were always mine
you are my never-ending story
and I will forever
g l o r i f y you in my mind
because everything I know
about anything that I show up with
was influenced by you
you taught me how to write
you are a painting on the walls of
my chest
in lipstick
i always wanted to smear your lipstick
and fall asleep tangled in your legs
and I never knew what any of that meant
and when I did, I associated it with you
I think I still do
I am older now and I can sift through that
quickly and speak to you better
& now this chest is so comfortable where I keep you
even though I never grew out of wanting to
I guess I'll never stop loving you
and I'm grateful for that
because I've loved you for 11 years
and this love has taught me more than
anyone who i've wasted my senses on

I sink
Sank in July
And scrape with my hate
I scraped why
Deep into my sides
Like knives
Falling from the sky
I want them all
To land in my eye
And stab
What's left of my mind
July 5th
You're my sickness
If I had more fists
I'd punch out my own ribs
Blood the color
Of my lipstick
& beg like a liar
With no power
I fly lower
Than ever
& ever
& ever
& ever
& I'll never remember
Why
But I'll always remember
July