for all my seeming comfort in ****** things
the ease at which I talk about banging, *******, *******
the instant someone's body comes close to mine,
inside that intimate area of personal space
I have NO idea what to do
so I panic, giggle, shut down, move away,
anything but, for I am maybe not ready
and maybe waiting for someone to make me ready.

She threw me away like
the day old tea bag that sat on her counter.

Did I ever mean anything to her?

She got rid of me so easily,
so quick.
      --was it easy for her to block me?

I'm sure it was.
She acted like I never meant anything,
that I was't an impact on her.

But just like that,
she blocked me out of her life.

Just.
Like.
*That.

I want an endless time to be peaceful
and alone
or maybe with someone
working and thinking
or maybe just being
carefree and dancing
or lazy and sleeping
but what I really want
is for it to be my *choice

now waking up is hard to do
and sleeping is impossible too
anything I try I cannot do

I'll never find somebody new
and if I did I wouldn't stay true
cause I'm too broken without you

I try and swallow my pride but I can't seem to chew
cause I won't let go of what's left of you
I wipe my tears but they still continue

I need to love someone new
but the real question is, who?

I'll never let go of you
I'll never let go of you
I'll never let go of what's left of you

When i was 13 I thought that gay and straight were things that other people were
People that weren't raised christian
People that didn't have dads
People that were abused
People that i should pray for but not get close to

when i was 14 my best friend came out as gay
i didn't see it coming but i probably should have
she wore ties every day
and plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up
and cut her hair short as soon as she could
but i didn’t see it because gay was other people

when i was 14 i watched as the news spread like wildfire
“did you hear? that girl is gay.”
I watched as people slowly backed away from her
people that knew her all her life
that is, the people that didn’t cut her off instantly

I watched as the youth group we had both attended asked her to leave
I watched as her drama group kicked her out because they were afraid of the yearly camp we went to
that somehow knowing that she was gay made her more likely to attack the other girls in their beds than the year before

I watched.
I didn’t do anything.

what changed my mind wasn’t a change of perspective on queer people
it still took me a year to decide being gay wasn’t wrong
but i decided that my best friend was someone i would stick with
because i loved her

I quietly stayed.
didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call people out when they called her names behind her back.
I should have.
but i didn’t.
I didn’t join in, but i didn’t defend her
i didn’t say to these people
*******
that girl is beautiful and amazing
and if you can’t see through your hatred then i don’t want to be your friend either
but i didn’t .
I didn’t go through what she did.
I didn’t get kicked out of anything, i didn’t lose friends

When i was 15, i got fed up
I left that drama group.
I stopped going to that church.
I stepped away from those friends and even though i never said why
the look on my face when i ran into them and they asked, “how’s she doing?”
answered that question for them.

I spent 24 hours examining my bible
trying to find the verses that say being gay is wrong
there were barely any
and they were right next to verses that said eating pork was wrong
or planting crops next to each other
or wearing two different fabrics

there was my answer.

this isn't a story of my journey.
This isn't me building myself up
“hey, I wasn't as bad as those other people
I’m good now”

this is a story of how one person can change your life forever

if i didn't have a gay best friend
what a way to start a story, huh?
if i didn't have a gay best friend then I would still be there
quietly praying for the sins of others, but not trying to understand
so don’t look at all Christians and say
they’re awful
they’re bigoted
they’re judgmental
because we are
but often it’s because we don’t know any better
teaching us kindly works
leading by example.