I could write about the pain, write about how much it hurts and how endless it feels

but

today, I’m going to write about the happiness I’m starting to feel, how free I’m beginning to feel, how much I’ve smiled since eight this morning and that’s all that matters in the end.

The road to healthy is messy, but worth it, when you look back and seen how far you’ve come.

It gives you the strength to keep pushing forward.

I love you, but I know, I have to let you go.

Moments, the good moments I had with him. The times where we would be awake late at night just talking about our childhoods and our plans for the future. The times where I would roll over in the morning and kiss him. The times where we would stand in the shower just kissing and being with each other. The times where I would run my hand through his hair while he slept on my chest. The times where we would be laughing until we can’t breathe. The time where we smiled in silence as we both said we loved each other.
All those heartbreakingly moments, I want nothing more, than to forget.

I smile, and I laugh. Often. I feel bursts of excitement and I laugh until my stomach hurts. I can find humour in everything, I make jokes. I feel relaxed and comfortable.

But when it’s time to go home and I settle in bed, the smile fades away and the loneliness seeps in.
I cry, and I feel like my chest is contracting instead my chest. I feel my gut twisting in sadness and anxiety. My thoughts run wild with anything. I let the tears fall freely. I feel alone and empty.

I crave just to see you once more, to hear your voice once more, to feel your touch once more, to gaze into your eyes once more.

But I also know, that it will never be enough for me, because I’ll keep wanting ‘once mores’

I know I need to let you go now and learn not to crave for your return.

I want to forget him altogether, so that this pain will not swallow me whole.
Maybe if I go to bed, I’ll wake up forgetting all about him.
But, how is that possible when he exists in my dreams as well?
At the end of the day, after the long phone conversations and paragraphs of messages, I stand alone. Barely standing.
My heart has been ripped out of my chest but I still found it in me to wish him well, wish him happiness, wish him a good life.
And that’s the difference between someone who loves the other more.
I want to disappear in my sadness. Maybe then. I can say I’m okay.

And still, he will be okay, he will be perfect as he always is.

And I’ll be here, unmoved and frozen in the sound of his ‘i love you’

Why wasn’t I enough for him to want to be better?

I don’t want to have to start over
I don’t want to meet someone else
I don’t want to have to let someone else in
I don’t want to let another man touch me
I don’t want to think about spending time with someone else
I don’t want to smile at someone else
I don’t want to fall in love with someone new
I don’t want to because I only want you, all of you, but is that reality?

He hit me when he said he wouldn’t, I won’t ever remember a time where his hands were once so gentle along my face that it made my heart beat so fast that I felt like I was going to cry from the overwhelming love I had held for him.

All I feel is pain inside, a rolling thunderstorm, an endless dark night in the seemingly endless ocean, I seen the anger flash in his eyes that once held nothing but love for me.

My heart aches so wildly that I feel like it’s going to explode from that feeling alone.

What did I do to deserve this?

I knew I had loved him more when I couldn’t dream of hurting him in the way he has hurt me and that was my downfall.

How come when people say they don’t want to hurt you, end up hurting you the most?

You told me once that you’d always be there for me. The both of you but where are you two now?

Please don’t ever come back. I’m just learning to figure out how to be ok without you two in my life.

You stare into my empty eyes, there is no light left in them.

My skin is cold to the touch, no longer able to hold the warmth you once gave me.

You speak to me, your voice no longer soothing to my soul, too many angry words had ruined the place that was meant for you.

We were once pure and passionate now in the aftermath is agony and pain.

You desperately try to reach out to me but you’re met with silence, I have nothing left to give you.

You took all of it, all of me. There is nothing but an empty body of a girl who once had such a bright outlook on love.

Hi you, it’s me. Are you reading this? I hope you are. But even if you don’t read this, these words will always be here.
I’m not writing this to spit more angry words or slurs at you.
I’m writing this because... I wish I had met you before you were so hurt and betrayed by women. I wish you had fallen into my life before you got cheated on. I wish you came into my life the way I came into yours. I had all this hope for us, I had all this future planned out in my head. I wanted you to be the last person I’ve ever loved. Truly loved.
And you were. I was only a small chapter in your life, a chapter you will most likely forget about but you were the epilogue for me.
You made me, me for a little bit longer. Because truth be told, I was going to do what I did long before you came along. You made me give my family a daughter, a sister and a mother longer but none of you knew that.
I had been sad for a long time, it felt like I was failing everyone.
You had me thinking, maybe just maybe, it will be worth it. Let’s see where the future takes me. When you touched me, it made me forget that I was ever as sad as I was. You made me so incredibly happy and it made me feel good that you did truly love me. I get it, I depended on you too much, it was too much too fast and you didn’t want to trust me.
I kept letting you back every time you left because I always wanted to feel the way you made me feel when we were good.
You made me feel alive. And feeling alive felt indescribable.
One look from you and we were magic. You made me feel like magic Brett. Do you know how rare that is? How amazing that feeling was? I made myself believe that I would be okay, just as long as you wanted me.
But that’s not reality, although you made me feel on cloud 9. The darkness crept back in, it swept in like the current. I watched as the feelings began to become numbing. I felt myself slipping away.
It was never your job to make me feel okay, I tried to do it myself but late at night, when you were sleeping or you were gone, I couldn’t breathe. I felt numb. I felt depressed and I wanted the sadness to be washed away forever. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.
I’m sorry, we were magic and alive but I couldn’t take it anymore. The last time I held you, I knew it was going to be the last time. I needed to push you away for good so you wouldn’t be so damaged by my selfish decision. You’re getting your life together and I didn’t need to be another pain source for you. So I let you go, I let you leave because it would be easier for the both of us. I couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. I couldn’t pretend that everything was going to okay. Because I knew, things would never be okay.
You were almost my saving grace, and I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have met you. I shouldn’t have let a Julia Supernault be known in your life when I knew I didn’t want to live.
I’m sorry, I’m so deeply and incredibly sorry.
You will find your happiness, and I was glad to know I had found that in you for a short while. I don’t know what’s going to happen after but all I know is I’m going to try my hardest to carry my feelings for you forever.
Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you so much.

Why am I the one who has to feel this low?
Why am I the one that has to cry these tears alone?
Why do you get to be okay?
Why do you get to be alright?
Why did we have to end over nothing?
Why did you hurt me after you promised you wouldn’t?

I told him in my saddened state that when he leaves, I was going to be alone.

“I’m not leaving.” And he still left.

I keep letting you in, when it’s clear, that you should just stay the **** out.

I thought about killing myself today.

Gave myself a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t.

Because right now, none of them seem relevant.

I prefer sleeping over being awake, because you exist in my dreams and we’re happy and we’re real there.
Waking up is the cold reminder that you’re not pressed against me.

You think you could hold me once more? I’ll be content and then I’ll let you go.

How do you forget about the people with whom you created your happiest moments with?

How do you go back to being strangers with people who you have known for half your life?

How do you not open up their inbox’s to tell them that you miss them and that you hope they’re doing well?

How do you go day by day, the gaping hole getting larger and larger?

How do you go on knowing you’ll never hear their laugh again?

How do you act like you don’t care but you cry every single night because it’s destroying you?

How do you get them back? And how do you know if you even want them back?

How do you stop loving them?

I need to see rock bottom before I can get back up.

The worst thing I did with my relationship is protect his peace when I should’ve been protecting my own.

Life has been quiet since we last spoke, my breaths echo in the silence along reminding me that although it hurts, I’m still alive somehow.

The dust of our last screeching argument begins to settle and I’m starting to feel and see the damage we both created.

Our memories in time shatter to a million different pieces, all scattering along the battle field.

Happy moments and sad moments are blurred together.

Your laugh rings in my mind and travels down to the empty void in my heart that was created when we last spoke.

Your cries stab me and so do your sad eyes as you stared at me before you left for good.

I don’t know what to do or say to fix this, I don’t think it’s fixable.

Maybe, just maybe along the way, we just outgrew each other. There was nothing left to salvage, we were already becoming undone in certain ways.  

Life has been quiet since you left, and I always hated the silence.

They hurt you and become so paranoid that you’ll hurt them the same way.

Will things ever change? Or will they always stay the same?

You tear my heart apart, a million different ways.

You hurt me, a thousand different ways.

You love me, a hundred different ways.

You want me, in the only way you will want me.

And I’m ready to let you take me away from all of this.

Baby, I’m ready for you to sweep me under the current and to keep me in a safe place forever.

You puzzle me at times but I know that we love each other. There’s no doubt in the way you tell me you love me.

You love me the way that I love you.

So deeply and truthfully.

You love me honestly and whole heartedly.

I was afraid for a moment, a small moment in our time that you would want someone else.

But here we go, for another run, the last run, our last run, I know, for sure, one hundred percent that you love me.

The mess that is me. The person that is me. The soul I am.

You accept that, the way I accept you.

You love that. You want me, us, and our future.

So I’ll run away with you, give you all of me. The rest of me. I don’t want ever lose you.

You complete me in so many ways. Just you. Just your soul.

I sit here in this parked car waiting for you to come and my mind and heart are currently in a war zone. A never ending battle.

It’s exhausting, they both exhaust me, you exhaust me.

I stare out the windshield with my current favourite song on repeat.

I think I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep up with you anymore, you run at inhuman speed switching directions every which way.

You decide if I’m loyal to you or not.

You decide if we’re done or not.

But I think, I’m done. All I need is just one more night with you by my side, one more kiss, one more cuddle, just one more and I’ll be okay.

I’m not sure how love is supposed to be, but I don’t think I’m supposed to be this sad laying down next to the person who I’ve learned to love despite all his flaws.

It’s when I realize that love does not conquer all.

Even when you’re not doing anything wrong, they still find fault in you.

I sat down today, the music blasting in my ears drowning out all the outside noise, I sat down to write out a paragraph that I’ve been meaning to send to you, for you, about you.
I wanted to ask why I was so easy to throw away as if the last two months had meant nothing.
I wanted to ask bravely if you still had some love for me.
I wanted to ask if you woke up today hardly being able to breathe, reaching out to touch me in your half asleep state.
I wanted to know if you had missed me at all today while I’ve been missing you since the moment you walked away from me in the parking lot of your apartment building.
I wanted to know if you find yourself spaced out between this morning and right now, wondering how the hell you got to eight in the evening.
I needed to know if you still think there’s a slim chance that we will meet again one day, when you’re better and I’m happier.
I sat down today, my fingers floating over the keyboard but I couldn’t find it in myself to ask those things.
Truth is, you’re back to being the stranger, but all of the hurt you gave me stayed. You’re just a stranger with all these memories.
I miss who you were.

It hurts more when you know you didn’t do anything wrong.

You don’t know how to make it okay because you did nothing wrong,

The loneliness I feel when I drop you off at home is pathetic, the silence swirls around me in my dark room, the music from Spotify is playing on low volume.

It would be a short drive over to your place but I need not be too attached to you, how else am I going to survive if you end up leaving me for someone better.

I wanted to tell you that I found someone for me, someone who listens and someone who’ll love me for me, I found someone where I didn’t search for you in their faces,
I opened up our message box to write to you, to show you how extremely happy I am but I stop.
I don’t want to tell you and make it seem like I’m rubbing it in your face, showing you that someone can love me more than you, no, that’s not my intention.
You were my best friend, who was there at my highs but also shot me to my lows.
I miss our friendship but not in the way you think, I miss who I once respected.

Who is he?

He’s the type of guy who would make me walk on the inside of the sidewalk, step a little bit closer to me as some drunk guy starts shouting at no one.

He’s the type of soul who lays in bed with me, and could talk about anything and everything. He runs his hand up and down my arm, and wants me to rest my head on his shoulder.

He’s the type of guy who kisses me softly and slowly and surely. He pulls me to his chest.

He’s the type of guy who worries when I’m sad and wants me to find comfort within him.

He’s my guy and I don’t want to share him with nobody. Not yet.

I feel like I’m walking in slow motion, while the rest of the world is up to speed, the faceless faces pass me, their voices moulded together, my head is dizzy and I feel like I’m going to faint amongst the busy crowd

Did you miss it?

The moment you realize your life passes by, did you ever sit back at on a Sunday morning, breathing in the cool air from the rain and the birds are chirping and for a split moment, did you ever think about all the choices you made that lead you to this day.

Where would you have been if you taken that chance to move to a far away city?

What people have left your life and you’d thought you’d have them until you’re sitting in your rocking chair, grey hair and all. Do you miss them?

What about that trip you planned but never got to take, do you wonder about all the sights and different food you could have seen and ate?

What about that last fight with your first love, the one that ended you two, do you wish you could have stayed and worked things out?

What about the moment you met your forever person, are you glad that you’ve met them and want to be with them until you draw your last breath?

We’re always so worried about the present and future. Did you ever take a seat and wonder about your life before you became that writer, before you became someone’s parent.

Did you miss it?

****, looks like I got too happy again.

I got too excited, I got my hopes up too fast again.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can be happy. Why does there always have to be a ‘catch’ of ‘but’

like why can’t I look into someone’s eyes and know that I’m finally in a happy place.

Why is that too much to ask for a girl like me?

I took all of the hurt you gave me, and turned it into beautiful words.

I took all of the pain you gave me and turned it into something people will relate to.

This is the first night I’m here with you, in the same home, under the same roof, within a close proximity where I don’t feel the need to curl up in your arms while we laugh the night away.
I can feel how much I want to but I also know that I shouldn’t.
We’re two old flames where the light will never go out.

That first loss you feel weigh down on your chest is uncomfortable and personal.
You didn’t think it would hurt this much, you didn’t think that you’d care this much.
He was a sweet man, who just didn’t have the will to fight anymore.
You knew he was going to go to the light soon but you still got to know him, got to know what his likes and dislikes are, you got to hear how he loved to golf and how his daughter fusses over every little thing.
You laid awake the first night after his passing thinking about her, how she’s feeling, what she’s doing, wishing you could offer her some kind memories of her fathers last days.
You feel the string of loss inside you, making your heart heavy and your eyes watery as you pass by his door, his name plate still reflecting off the light.

They tell you long before your career starts, to never get so close to your clients, but how do you not manage to do that when you see them every single day, multiple times a day?

I will go on, knowing he’s not in pain anymore but forever missing his quirks and little smile.

I let myself fall into the comfort of your arms again, I let myself end back at square one again, I let myself stare into your eyes while I whisper how much I loved you again, I let myself be completely yours again, I let myself believe that we will make it this time.
I pull you from the darkness, guide you to the light and you show me the love I have craved since you.
I will never be able to love another like I love you and that’s okay with me.

Strange how much you miss the nicknames someone gave you when they’re not an active person in your life anymore
Oh, how I’d love to hear the nickname he gave me just one more time.
And then I’d be able to sleep peacefully again,

I’m in a better place than I was two years ago, I’m bettering myself for the future I want.
You got the damaged me, the one who was so unsure of herself, the one who didn’t know what she wanted and who she wanted. She was back and forth with you a lot. She was hurt.
Now the next guy, the one she genuinely loves and cares about has the new her, the girl who wakes up every morning with a plan in her mind to make the best of every day, the girl who found herself and lead herself out of the darkness.
I think you would have loved her even more, but the place in her heart that holds onto you is closed forever, she’s moving on and becoming stronger than ever with a new love by her side.
A new mindset that steers her onto a lighter path.
I’m sorry you don’t get to hear her laugh or see her smile, I knew her happiness would’ve touched your soul in many ways.
Now, the man who has captured her heart in his hands is careful, there will be less sad days for her now.
But she wants to thank you, for putting up with her, for loving her the way that you did.
She will always remember and carry it with her wherever she goes, she will look at the stars and remember for a moment before she grabs her lovers hand that the damage you had done unintentionally was good for her in the end.

He makes my heart happy, a little sad at times but when he wants to, he can make me feel like I’m going to burst with happiness

And after today’s hardships, I want nothing more but to be wrapped in the comfort of your arms, listening to our favourite songs, keeping easy conversation until we fall asleep.

Because maybe then, I can pretend I’m ok.

My biggest flaw is that I keep pushing forward to tomorrow while often looking back to the yesterdays.
There will never be another day like yesterday, a week ago or a year ago.
And different emotions battle within me as I try decide if that’s a good thing or not.

The greatest feeling was I could go so long without talking to you, the days are turning into weeks and I’m honestly okay with that. The best I can do is wish you well and hope you never come back to take another piece of me.