"I ate civilization. It poisoned me; I was defiled. And then I ate my own wickedness."*
- Aldous Huxley

i let my head hit the brachiaria.
cyan sky rolled past,
and it seemed to me as if

my past itself was dragged out of my body,
excorcised and pulled up
and traveled with the sky's current

the sky is moving,
impossible and slow.
the clouds jog with a rush.

sometimes i think i have never
felt at all
with my year ****** up,

on their way to Mongolia or
Philadelphia,
I tried to desperately recall

sullied at the thought i couldnt.
I thought about how i always embarrassed you
in public

how i'd turned into an embarrassment
at this point in time
my pure innocence

that flowed in the past gently
uncomfortably shifting and
wondering how certain things felt

i don't know
manhood devoured me like
an apple.

in the garden
i walked
tried to spot all the perennials

and i did
and i thanked mankind for taking up the
habit of finding wild plants

bringing them into our lives
i see a sign, the museum is holding an exhibit on
british pastorals and hellscapes

i tell her we should go.
she agrees
walks across the street to buy a wire.

my blood ran down my body
onto the linen
Egyptian cotton

like the princesses who
married at 14,
at 13 i laughed

when they asked me to go the square
and at 15 i felt it my responsibility.
the fetid collapse of my

sincerity and my serenity
flowed through my being
patrolled round

my purity like
a culpable
sentry

i closed my eyes
and i felt the sheets heavy with
plasma

i blinked and
everything turned to burgundy
the subway grates licked at my ankles

the poplar and elms
in firestone
laughed at me,

who had so eagerly
held on to a fray
consumed by mankind

gutted with
certain
toxicant.

It's this ism of schism,
And lost in racism with perpetuated choatic cataclysm.

This fixation with complication,
And devotion to destruction.

Lines of grape vine leading to purely deluded wine,
What was devine shine left in oh so decline of our prime.

This determination to provocation,
With invocation to division.

Stuck in the darkness becoming blind,
So **** blind by our hate filthy grime of our sinful crime.

It is our limitation to our self infliction,
For all action comes with reaction.

Time and time again feast dine not knowing our fine line,
To define what is right of mine,
this line this line pathway to beyonder.

To build this rotten fruition,
It is but infliction leading to degregation.

What is this demoralizing scene, hatred, digression of the old days displayed among our mist?

He was too young for me.
I should have just walked away.
But God is no so kind to divorcees
close to the age of forty with a
lot of dissolutionment with urban life.
My husband cheated on me
with his secretary.
Tell me you haven't
heard that before.
I met him at a family get together.
a BBQ with awful food
and cheap wine.
it was his youth I think
it glowed like freedom.
All the emotions yet to happen.
not all those that had already been.
He dumped his girlfriend
when he saw me.
I don't know why
she was pretty and perky
and so very young.
not like me at all.
He caught me looking at him
but I did not release my gaze.
That was cruel he was a just a boy
I found out later he was Twenty two
he gave me all I needed at that time.
All the things my rat ******* husband
had never given to me.
I admit I used him for his beauty
and his life that shone from him.
But I did not know
I was falling in love with him.
he stripped me with his eyes or smile.
I could not wait to undress for him.
My mother so wise
said let him go honey.
but I didn't.
He moved in to my urban nest.
the few hundred square feet
that was mine where the world ended.
I was miffed he did not have a job like I did.
that he sat around playing Nintendo all day.
But then he kissed me
and said I love you baby.
and I melted for him.
I got angry when he was drinking
with his friends.
in my apartment
when i got home from a hard day
and I threw him out.
I told him he was never going to be what
I needed he was too young.
He moved into his buddy's place.
and called nme ten times a night
Then I saw him again
it was in the local delli
I moved a can of caviar
and he was buying steaks
on the other side.
I took him home to my place
undressed as usual
he would not wear his ******.
He said I want you to have our baby.
I wish he had just ****** me.
All of a sudden
I saw his vulnerability
his youth his inexperience.
I knew it was a trap for him.
A trap I could not set.
so I opened the cage
the door left wide open.
and he flew out into
the wild rarified air
above the mountains.

a year later

The night was cold
snowfall had covered the old tired
grey streets of new York.
I was with a group of old friends.
Still single in the resteraunt
where we aways met.
he was walking by and
used his sweet warm breath
to melt the ice from the window.
he was looking at me.
I stopped mid sentence.
I thought I saw tears
in his eyes.
but they might have been in mine.
as the frost regained control
and he walked away
into the winter night.