Too many lies I've told
just because I wanted to be liked
I wanted your friendship
or I wanted to get into your pants
I wanted that ***** really bad
and then I wanted the next *****
I never knew how to love
nor be respectful of any kind
one after another
it was just one big lie
I was never capable to stay
commitment? **** that!
I always ran away
Just spread those legs
and then get out
I never knew what a
relationship was all about
I told sweet promises
only to pull down those *******
What a ******* ******* I was
What a ******* joke I became

I sent you a text
and you never responded
I waited and ******* waited
nothing
absolutely ******* nothing
just a blank screen
hours went by for me
I felt so ******* stupid inside
why do I even bother
It's a shame, a ******* shame
driving this poor man insane
It really irritates me
how others can ******* off
like I don't even ******* exist
I've had enough
no more of this *******
I'll just have to put others
in their place and watch
them ******* squirm

What will I strive for,
when all avenues seem blocked?
I want something more,
a direction of being self-satisfied.
What will it take,
to move upward from this hole?
Having courage seems the way,
to put the desire in my soul.
Can I do this on my own,
or will I fall flat on my face?
There is a will deep inside,
to make things better for my life.
Once done, my family will benefit,
and I will have no regrets.

You ever feel like the world is crashing upon you
I surely do. It seems like I can't do anything right,
Say the right words to make things okay.
It seems like everywhere I go people aren't kind
They have their own agendas and they want to
**** any happiness I have and make me feel
Miserable likes they do. Well, **** that! They
All can eat **** and die! They ain't taking away
What I have worked o for seven months being
Clean and sober, not an ounce of alcohol or any
Drug. I'm taking classes to learn about myself
And the way I tick, most my problems come from
Past trama. So much anger built up inside of
Me from being molested when I was eight. It only
Happened once, a lot of people have deals with it
For years but it still happened nevertheless and
Really ****** with my head. The person who did
It was a family member and he is now a minister
Go ******* figure. Now that diffently ***** with
My head when it comes to religion and someone
Talking about God. But where I'm at right at the
Present time is a place I was pushed to. My
Girlfriend wouldn't give up her mom and move
Her to some place where she could get the help
Needed. She chose her over me, for two months
I kept telling her that if she doesn't choose I was
Going to move out. Well, needless to say she didn't
Quite choose anything but even not choosing is a
Decision. So I moved out and she can have her mom
The bad part about it is me and my girlfriend have
A daughter together. I tried every means to fix what
Was broken but my girlfriend just thought everything
Was fine. So I made the choice to move to clear my
Head. Though I miss my daughter tremendously.
I wish life was simple and everything could go my
Way but that ain't life and I'm not God. Now since
Moving here I have neighbors upstairs who are so
Loud it's affecting my serenity. Now I have to move
Out and find a better place where this **** doesn't
Happen. So here I am life, take me as I am cause
Apparently you want to **** with me.

Poor little old me
Can't anyone see
That I am unique
And differently
If I only had a glass
Filled it up with wine
I would be a winey ***
****** up in my own mind
It ain't politically correct
To think more of one self
But I do it all the time
Not very humble
I say ***** being humble
I'm just trying to live life
If that means I'm not asking
You for help then don't get mad
I've taken hard knocks to
Learn that I'm just bad
I've buried my emotions
Deep down in my soul
Not to let you see all the commotion
And to think you know me
Is hard to believe
I'm just ******* human
Can't anyone see
...that...
Human
Not unique
To think beyond that point
Is beyond me
I bleed
Smoked a joint or two
Drank to oblivion
On more than one occasion
And now you want to control
My life
I don't ******* think so
I've made many mistakes
I'll make many more
But the one mistake I won't make
Is to give you reign over me

So many lies I've been told
It makes me wonder if these
People were misinformed
And they knew no better
But now their words are
Ingrained in my head and
I can't seem to differentuate
Between the lies and the truth

Trust no one
Everyone has an agenda
Something to keep to themselves
And then to belittle you
Make you feel like a *******
Watch out for these people
They claim to be your friends
They'll smile at you
And then stab you in the back

I'll trudge this road alone
If that's what it takes
I'll survive this ordeal
If that what it calls for
Everyone can ******* go to hell
If that's the way they're going to be
I'll live my life with a better attitude
Knowing these people are out to
Make a name for themselves
I'll spit in their eyes
Cause I don't need their friendship
They can seriously jump off of a cliff
And I wouldn't ******* care
They make me sick
And they can rot in hell

What is the truth?
The answer is in the heavens
It wants to be heard
It wants to share it's abundance

The loving energy searches the earth
Hoping to find people with heart
Kindness goes a long way
It pours out it's kindness like the rivers
It flows exactly where it is needed

Finding this power isn't easy
A lot find only negativity and live in it
They wallow from day to day
Bringing the people who are at heaven's door down
They stab their negative mouths into others affairs
Trying so hard to make these people give up
And return to old behaviors

Is it going to happen to you?
It's already has happened to me
And it keeps happening
But I trudge along
Keeping heaven in my mind
And trying to share my kindness
The Universe has done so much for me
It's the least I can do
Without such
I would have no kindness to give away
Nothing.

I looked into your eyes,
wishing I could take away your pain.
I never truly knew how you felt inside,
just guessing in a way.
Here you were going to the restroom,
at first I only had a thought,
an incling of what was wrong with you,
but there you ***** what you bought.
The days were rough on your heart,
I couldn't image the hurt you had,
the depression tearing you apart,
hours of loneliness made you sad.
.
I loved you for being you,
not because of your image,
but it was I who had no clue,
just waiting for the dawn to rise,
and there was nothing for me to do,
you told me it was your fight,
so I had to continue to be there for you,
holding your hand and saying the right words,
making the days count for something.

Two souls aloft these river bends
Crossing thresholds of purity water
Jaded by the love of longing friends
Into the night of lasting moments

Hollowness benign to the very end
Not delicate but much farther
Crashing together the nature of sins
Testimonials of how there became a dent

A little pin ***** upon the mind
Splitting open a scruptuleous mold
Diverted to a higher platform in time
Jaded love can't save these souls

Open the door to your heart
and let me share my life with you
I understand it would be easier if
you trusted everything I said and did
I can't say I'll never hurt you
but I'll try like hell not to
I want to be for real and true
hoping you will tell me where you stand
I want us to last forever
please, why don't you take my hand
and I'll show you the promised land
we'll grow wings together
fly like the eagles together
soaring into infinity together
Our love will break the sound barrier
if only you open up and let me in

The day springs forth
The sun shining brightly
But the curtains are drawn
And the room is hard to see
The darkness plagues the atmosphere
It's too bleak, not so clear
What will bring light into the area?
Will it all be washed away?
The day is too much to handle
The China seems like clay
Words aren't present
The air is just that- putent
Why must it come to this
And where will it all go from here?

I have behold the inner truth
Sick of all the **** I did in my youth
I look back and wonder why
Was it just an experiment in life?

I came to door and knocked
You opened it up wide
We sat down and talked
And you explained the hurt inside

Was I just running away
Trying to find my identity?
It seems like days
Since I felt like me

Living a lie from the start
It was hard to talk to you
You helped me to open up my heart
And the words I spoke were true

You led me down the path
Took me through the steps
Now I can look at the past
And find my true identity

The day unfolds, bringing lots of tear stained eyes.
I'm out in the cold, wondering what happened this time.
I'm lost for words, nothing is coming to mind
A story I've heard, everyone trying to change my life.

Sometimes I can't stand myself
I built up walls so no one can get inside
I hide my face from the mirror
I don't want to see my own reflection
These eyes have seen too much
Nothing right, nothing clear
Trying hard not to give up
But I fall flat on my face nonetheless
And I want to disappear
Disappear from this society
That weighs me down
I can't seem to move forward
And my smiles seem only frowns
I try really hard to be positive
But most of the time I'm negative
Daydreaming, and no beacon of
Hope can rescue me

This world is not kind by no means
It is full of stupid people
Everywhere I go I seem like I
Have to bend over and take it up
The ******* ***.
Boy I must like to get ****** that way
People are not nice not kind
They are all full of ****
I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots
But I guess that's the way it goes
I try to be kind but people think
That's just a way to weakness
Where I'm at, you have to play the badass
And that's seems like the story of my life
I don't want no ******* pity nor feelings is sorrow
I just would like to know why the universe
Seems like it's not aligned with me
That it wants me to experience these things
Well, I don't want to
I want peace of mind
But karma wants to **** with me
Well, **** karma!
I'm tired of dooshbags that want to **** with me
Is that all the world is made up of- troublemakers
Well **** that!
I'm on the verge of going beserk
And take all these ******* out of here
I feel a lot of people don't even need to be breathing
I feel the world would be a better place if they were dead
Thank the Heavenly Stars I'm not God
There would be a select few

She wasn't too keen to talk
Better listener than anything else
I would take her for a walk
And she would point out the beauty in things
Over there was a squirrel
Scampering to his or her domain
Over there was a deer
I saw it run through the tall grass
Up above were the white puffy clouds
Can I make out any shapes?
I see an airplane in one of the clouds
A dragon in the other
I see her beautiful face
Who has taught me to be more quiet

The sun scorched my face
As I mowed a friend's lawn
I must of felt in place
I really didn't feel like a pawn
I had an unselfish motive
It was to be of help
I knew she wasn't able to
So I mowed the green grass
And my selfish side was at
Peace at last for the time being
I thought of someone else for today
And my selfishness went away
My selfishness that has me down
But for today it isn't so noticeable
And it put a smile on my face
Knowing I was of service today

What the hell am I doing?
One minute I'm kicking
you out and the next I'm
telling you to come home.
If I could only make up
mind. I realize how
inconsiderate I've been,
I wonder if you could
ever forgive me again,
that seems like all I do
is apologize, if I could
only make up my mind.

Drifting by the shore's imaginations
Little creatures crawling into fascination
By the heart of all creation
Monarchs of time's evaluation

Sacred lands at the bottom of the sea
Tiny organisms whisking by endlessly
The darkness fighting with the light's dreams
No where to go but forever and  a day deep

I felt something I never felt before
Was I dreaming or could it be a guiding light?
There I longed to be comforted some more
Rescued by the haziness of the night

It was once dark in here
Only a shimmer of the moon
Not much is really clear
The fog isn't lifting too soon

I cry out to the heavens
I get no response
I feel cold again
I feel lost

Then you appear in my life
Showing me which way I should go
I should call you an angel by this time
But there are many things I don't know

Are you a guiding light
Waiting right by my side
I turn and look into your eyes
Comforted is what I find

The darkness has no power
You caress my hand
Life is no longer sour
You let me understand

The direction I was going wasn't right
You was there to show me love
I will forever remember your insight
Your touch was soft as a dove

The days collide with one another
Flying by, flying by, flying by
I turn my head and now I'm older
You can see the wrinkles around my eyes
Does that mean I have wisdom?
I really don't know much about that
I try not to make the same mistake
But who I am is written on my face

It seems to me how ridiculous people are,
they try so very hard to bring me down.
I don't know if they mean well,
or they just do it out of spite.

They talk how much they care,
but they won't lift a finger to help me get around.
Today I'm over their *******, I wish them to hell;
not one soul can save them, not even Christ.

They're the kind of people only a switchblade
looks pretty good, and the decision just to decide.

Slash them, cut them, make them feel pain.
It's all neccessary, make them bleed out like rain.

What is the alternative, not a ******* thing?
I've just gone crazy here, gone ******* insane-

Make them bleed out like ******* rain!

I became complete
When I put away childish things
But I became transcended
When I could play like a child
Have a kid at heart
And speak with complete condor

The world suffices
And i get along
Trying with my crushes
To be a carrier of meaningless thought
I stare at the cross
Wondering if I know what it is
I see the man in the mirror
And I don't like what I see
I condemn myself
Can you provide judgement be more extreme
Hell arises
Heaven is just a myth
I stare at the trees
The wind must be extreme
I laugh as I cry
I must be mortaly insane

It seemed like a good idea to say what I had to say,
only a fool would listen to someone talking under their breath.
I've been out there, not as much as I would like, seeing my face
in the mirror, not a care in the ******* world, buying time until
my ******* death. I've wasted years upon years listening to bull-
****, realizing later down the road I was spitting it out more than
anyone else, trying to puff up my ego, making a complete *******
out of myself. My words fell on deaf ears, it's no wonder with all
the lies I've told, avoiding responsibility from the open door, only to
come up short in the long run. So many fears I had, still have to a certain degree. The darkness wants to tear me down, and I'm running on ******* empty.

Love.

Why is everyone concerned about it?

Does it make you feel good writing about it?

All the ones that's been in your life,
The ones who are important to you,
The ones that make your stomach quiver,
And then are gone like it was a dream.

A dream.

You awake to new perspectives,
Like these loves had a way to teach.
But really it isn't love at all,
Just a feeling.

Who's to say what you're feeling,
Is is compassion or is it admiration?
Just another stumbling block,
Take that love and shuv it!

I can care ******* less about your love,
Too many ******* people don't know what it is.
I can care ******* less who's beside you in bed,
Can't you ******* write anything worth while?

Talk about anything ******* else than his lips,
Talk about anything else than her heart.
Who ******* gives a good gooddamn?
Waste my ******* time reading your ******* ****!

I don't ******* understand,
Why anyone would persue love?
I, myself, choose death,
The black dharma of the night.

Here comes the pain,
And ******* love had nothing to do with it

So keep writing about love,
You'll get it sooner or later.

Unless the boogieman gets you first!

It's 4:00 a.m. in the morning
what the **** am I doing awake
I can't escape what I can't escape
the nightmares inside my head

I hear the ******* *******
it's the same ******* thing as before
telling me how worthless I am
cringing in the living room floor

I try to think positive
but the darkness has its ******* claws on me
negativity bringing me down, so ******* down
and there isn't a ******* thing I can be

I look at the time
two hours have gone by
lost in these racing thoughts I'm having
and suicide is looking pretty good

I just want the pain to end
why is it haunting me?
I feel no life, just dead inside
nothing ******* precious I can see
just a miserable ******* human being

It's just a waste of my ******* time
to be on this earth any much longer
I constantly think of a way to commit suicide
and leave this ******* earth and everyone in it behind

Stress is taking over me
How can I ever be free?
Am I condemned to live this way
Living life on a make believe stage?

Blood splatters as I run this blade through
Your heart explodes with red liquid running out
Drip, drip, drip, I want to drink your blood
But wouldn't that be too strange?
I don't know, just wiping this knife with my handkerchief
I stare into your lifeless eyes, wondering why
Wondering why you had to push it too far
All the mockery and making fun
You had to push me to the breaking point
Now you end up with the devastating result
I'll end up in prison forever
But I still made your face an expression of shock
Thinking you can really get away with everything
The answer has been my blade in your heart
Now you probably wish you never said anything
Now you probably wish you never did anything
But it's too late for all of that
Might as fall down and just bleed out and die
Sorry you had to take it too far

Days are fading away
Boredom takes place
Hits home inside my heart
Don't know where to start
Loneliness is an avenue
Don't quite know what to do
Listening for answers
But there really isn't one
Holding my life intact
By the very gracefullness
I see in the sun
I look for the path
But I'm already on a road
To an ever increasing stability
If only I surrender to this gracefullness
And let the sun shine brightly through
This window of pain in my soul

I crumble beneath
The sea of sorrow
My tears are shed
On the white fluffy pillow
I toss and turn
Trying to fall asleep
But my eyes burn
And there seems like there's no relief

I try to get you out of my mind
But our love we had together seemed right
We made it through thick and thin
Only to come up empty handed in the end
For years we only pretended to like things we did together
I think it was cute how we were trying to be friends

Now we're both wallowing in a sea of sorrow
Things change and we can't seem to get it together
You want it all and I want to move forward
We can't seem like we can agree on anything
How the **** can we ever get on track?
So now it's time to take these tears and hold them back

The night played tricks on me
My neck hair standing up, shivering
The warm air touches my face
I turn and look around at this p!ace
It's as though I've been here before
But I can't remember no more
It's as though something grips me
And I want to run away quickly

Even though I have lied
I cannot lie no more
I'm trying to escape the fire
and unlock the treasures
behind this door

It's pointless to wallow in my tears
nothing good comes of it
I've been broken a thousand times
and can't seem to get a ******* break
in life

Nothing comes for free
even though I've taken so much
something always tells me that
this world is falling from grace
and I can't see

Falling to pieces
can't seem to cut a ******* break
Falling to pieces
it all fades a **** away

I see my reflection
I want to break the mirror
there is no affection
just love lost and love so unclear

Seeing life flash before my eyes, the days collide with one another, causing a beautiful moment. My eyes are turned inward to how i'm feeling and chasing after the wind is a lone experience.

I wear a hundred masks in a day
A mask to hide my ill-feelings about myself
Wishing I could turn into someone else
Like the day turns into night and all
Isn't okay with the mirror I look into
Is there anyway to hide my face?
I'll pretend not to show you who I am
Maybe you'll like me better

It has come to my attention
Due to my hand
That life is awkward as it stands
Why do I flirt with the flames
That has burned me over again
Time after time
By my distorted eyes
I plague the barrier in my heart
I look forward to the frying pan
Get burnt like only I can understand
Come to to a place only dreams swelter
This by far is the end of my nightmare
Over seeing what can be passed down
It hurts to think I infest the rights

Here's my brain
It's gone ******* insane
So much ******* pain
I want it all to go away
But I know I'm only dreaming
Life wasn't made without difficulties
It's how I handle it today

Most of the time I want to run
Hide myself away, throw away
The ******* key, build a *******
Castle and a mote around me
Keep everyone out, I hate the
Hypocrisy

I know that's not possible
So how do I handle life today?

I write about this
I write about that
Some of it makes sense
Others are full of crap
I write about the pain
As I have experienced it
I write about the shame
And all of the *******

I grind my teeth
It should of never been that way
Life is a disease
And I'm catching a cold every ******* day

I try hard not to put out the flame
It fuels my pen that feeds upon the
Words I write in a given day

See you on the other side,
What's the meaning of life?
Been down a hard road,
Felt indifferent like a toad.

There hasn't been any peace,
No time for love, it's a disease.
So much heartbreak for God's sake,
What the **** is at stake?

I want to float away into the blue sky,
I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
Seeing society the way it truly is,
So much hatred right around the bin.

Everything to me is scary,
Life is nuts and harry.
So many things that are ****** up,
Oh God, I think I've had enough.

Please rescue me from this hell,
Walls are built up from this shell.
I don't want to live in misery no more,
Save me as I walk out of this door.