I don't know what's worth fighting for
It seems like forever and a day I smiled
But I really like to wear this frown
Too much darkness that brings me down
How I do like to revel in the ****
Can't ever seem to forget it
It just makes me ******* smarter
How much this world *****
So many ******* hate me
And it really is what makes me smile
Letting them know I will see it through
******* *******, ain't worth my time
So what the **** am I suppose to do
Is the sun ever going ******* shine
Or am I stuck in this ******* glue
So much pain in my mind
That I want to ******* sue
Kiss my ***, *******
And ******* too
Let them ******* hate me
Because I got them over a barrel
And just because I'm blue
And write about this and that
Mainly how much I want to change
And be a ******* better man today
But it just seems it ain't going that way
I try to ******* behave, but what the hey
The temptations gets to me
So sometimes it's too late
To  watch ******* bleed
They don't know what it's like
To be a ******* like me

Excuse me while I try
To wipe back these tears
Lay in bed at night
And wonder why my life
Has turned out the way it has
Karma catches up to the ones
Who are ******* inconsiderate
Death knocks at the door
So close in dying from these tears
So many things I fear
It sounds all good in the making
But it still has to meet the acid test
Can't do what is best
When I'm doing what is wrong
And all will be a horrible dream
Leaving behind a bad taste
In the mouths of others
Lying in the casket
And nothing happens...
Nothing perpetuated

Its meaningless,
So tired and alone.
What is death?
Just a new beginning.
Then life,
This life,
Arrogant am i ,
Just wishing upon the sunlight,
The warmth I feel,
When I'm close to you,
I feel your breath,
One over-lapping another.
I see your  face,
So kind as can be,
Isn't it all priceless,
So let the friction be,
This is what it's all about.

All that will ever be
Has passed away through time
No sense making things worse
And hurting the ones we love
The night passes away
Soon comes the dawn
How can we ever get along
If we hold grudges in our hearts?
We try to make a good
Situation out of a bad one
We have a different attitude
We make our dreams come alive
And we look forward to the rising sun
We çrawl after our possessions
Wanting to take them with us when we die
We sit alone at the bar with thoughts
Of suicide crossing our minds
How can we ever find peace
If we are so busy all the time?
We waste our energy trying to look prettier
But it ain't going to matter much in the end
We need to give things up, try to release our grip
And make love the focal point in life

Is there any hope
with all of society's dirt and grime?
trying to put on another layer
and skip what's important in one's life

Is there any purification
something that holds weight?
can one see the starry sky
and be overwhelmed by it's essence?

The truth is hard to come by
when there isn't any burning bushes
though simplicity comes into the fold
and makes the eyes see in clarity

It isn't very hard to notice
the flowers in full bloom
it isn't very hard to see
an eagle flying high up in the sky

It isn't very hard to conjure up good thoughts
and believe there is good out there
good about one's self and life
good about the direction one is taking

It just wasn't meant to be...
But I am exactly where I'm suppose to be at this very moment-
To come to accept it takes work, believing it with my whole heart,
Not denying it but facing it for what it is-
Life.

You try to bring me down
The words you say are hurtful
What kind of a person are you
When you can't say anything nice?
I don't want to be around you
What's the point anyhow?
The time has come for me to go
And leave behind these hurtful words
Take my things and never look back
It's a life I  don't want to live
Always in constant fear of what might be
I deserve so much better
Thank God today I can see
See you for what you really are
Just someone not worth the time
Who has not a bone of care
It's time for me to escape this trap
And move on from here

Who are people trying to please
Is it themselves
Thinking they know about something
When they really don't
I should know
I know not much about anything
Am not good with my hands
Don't know how to build anything
Not an electrician
Don't know how to wire anything
I'm not a computer genius
Hardly can get into my emails
Not know what's a good remedy for anything
Don't know about any wives tails
Am not a geographical genius
I can get lost walking out my door in a heartbeat
No one should dare ask me for direction
I'll have them end up in the river
I'm really not a poet
Just someone spouts off some words
I can make them sound nasty
Or I can make them sound good
But honestly, what the **** do I know
I can't be famous, that will never happen
I have to look at it realistically
Words I write are simple
Not much poetry in that
They are direct and to the ******* point
Much about my experiences in life
They are not extravagant words
So poetically aligned like the Universe set it up that way
No. Just me in a nutshell and my ****** up life
So, where do I go from here?
Just kind of floating through life
Get blown around this way and that
Cause that's where the wind ******* blows

So many people think they know everything
They'll open their mouths and say I know how to do this
And most of the time they do
They have know humility
And they'll make you feel like ****
They are one of those jack of all trades
They know quite a bit about everything
They're architects
They're craftsmen
They're doctors
And lawyers
And mechanics
And electricians
And writers
And lawmen
And just about much of everything
They know how to do it
And they do it well
Well, I'm not one of those people
I take great pride in not knowing much about nothing

I hate it here
Once again it's made clear
I'm not liked
And that's okay
Because I ******* can't stand you
You're a ******* liar
You make me ******* sick
The truth will come out
And I'll laugh at your demise

You try to move forward
but moving on is hard to do
You want what's best
but it's hard to break through
find your ninche
make it right this time
find true happiness
and live a better life

The days aren't numbered anymore
hope is giving you the right direction
You seek what's behind these doors
and welcome others' affection
to open up and share what's beautiful
make these days shine
find true happiness
and make a better life

You want to stay sober this time
knowing all hell breaks loose when  you don't
You want your life to be bright
and it will happen if you let it
Apply yourself to life
instead of taking a back seat
Let your world shine
to get up off your feet
and put actions behind your words

You put action behind your words
and life becomes better for you

Forever hungry for knowledge
Spiritual guidance I seek
Making a religion out of nothing
Trying hard to stay meek

Searching for the key
The answers are above
Holding onto what I believe
Knocking on doors with love

The day has turned to ****
What is there for me to do
My attitude isn't a pleasant one
And I seem to take it out on you
Why don't you tell me to kiss your ***
It would stop me in my tracks
Tell me I'm being an *******
And I need to stop getting on your back
Just because I choose to be rotten
Doesn't mean I should take it out on someone
Tell me to go **** myself
Maybe that will get my attention

I can't believe in me
Don't know what to say
So many words are racing
Through this crazy mind
I don't know how to face the day
If I wasn't such a lunatic
I would be alright
If I wasn't such a freak
I would be able to understand me
Right now I'm just trying to get by
And find a little hope in the day and night
Is it out there, a reason to live?
I look up into the starry sky
And wonder who made all of this
I have searched for the answer
Only to backslide down an empty road
I don't want to continue this ****** life
No, I want to be happy and free
I want to be saved from this broken heart
It is in shambles and ripped apart
So many tears waiting to be cried
I want not to feel this anymore in my life

I'm not perfect by no means
I don't intend for you to be
I will ask though for decent courtesy
I will show you the same in return
Too many people want their cake
And eat it too
I just hope your not those types
And I'll extend
My hand to help
If any reason you need it
But don't pretend
That you're one way
And then stab me in the back
I will show you the same courtesy
Because I know I'm not one of them

There was a sound
It pounded my heart
I looked around
And I fell apart

I felt such a pain
It vibrated in my mind
The darkness became light of day
As the sun turned into moon's light

I crossed the threshold of my existence
Looking backwards into the past
There was a days where I was tense
A lot of time to wander at last

What do I say
When the chips are down?
Trying to run away
My smiles became frowns

There was no hope
There was no dreams
There was no life
Just a shell of a man
Trying hard not to go insane

Just a distant memory, lost and alone,
isolated from society as a home,
a hermit in your own make shift,
there your halo grabs at a fifth,
and down the rabbit hole you go.

Freedom isn't the way it should be,
So many mother ******* breaking
Their necks for society.

For what,  Just to be drones?
Shut the system down, I'll rather
Be alone.

But I know I can't live up to my potentional,
So many ******* things to do that ain't optional.

It's scary to have a family,
What the hell will it be like
Years down the ******* road?

It's hard not to be mean
To the mother ******* who
Think they're always right.
What is it going to take to
Shovel the **** I ***?

It soothes me to know I'm not
The only one who feels this way.
So much to ******* do in a day,
Don't know if I'll get it all done,
And sometimes the rain is
Welcomed rather seeing the sun.

Trudging onward like a soldier,
So many ******* pain I'd rather
Give in to it then continue fighting.
But I ******* can't, too many people
Depend on me, so I pick myself up
And say goodbye to the ******* rain.

I wonder what life is all about...


Do we die and go to a heaven or a hell...?


Do our consciousness moves onward, letting go of our
Bodies when it can't survive no longer and we end up
Becoming gods, ruling over our own earth?

Would it be such hard to imagine...


Do we live in our own heaven or our own earth
Right here and right now, trying hard to make the
Days count for something? Does it really matter?
Wouldn' it be insane if when we died we never
Moved forward and there was just total darkness?

Nothingness...


I find it hard to believe but who really knows,
That's why I try hard to make each day count

I want to die
The pain is too much
I want to feel better inside
I ******* had enough
I try and I try
But it seems lost in the wind
No one really gives a ****
They're lying if they say they do
I hear the preaching
Ones standing on mountaintops
Looking down at me
Cringing when I speak
When I share my heart and soul
Laughing at what I say
Cause they think they're ******* special
So much better than me
Can they be so annoying?
Lecturing about my life
What I need to do
How I should be

**** them and the horse they rode on
They don't mean a **** to me
They're nothing but a ******* cockroach
I'll squash them into the ******* ground
Make them see
That they ain't much to me
So much pain I have
So much I internalized
Just because of hearing their ****

No more!
It ain't worth it
They need to back the **** up
shut the **** up
They ain't worth a dime
I'll live my life
And care less and less
Of what others say

Beauty is worth seeing and there is a lot of beauty out there to see. A lot of ugliness too and I have been through stages of feeling so depressed I just felt like I didn't want to exist anymore. But closing my eyes and thinking about my daughter definitely put me in a better mood. What is that but beauty in a nutshell

Taking short cuts in life
That's not what I want to do
But all seems hopeless tonight
I'm crying, trying to keep it
Together without you

You're the best thing that has happened to me
I don't know why I treat you like ****
There's a lot of meanest you haven' t seen
I hold a lot of it back

I don't know if I want to stay
We have another life together
But what would I say
To the Innocent child of ours
That daddy is selfish
He's not a very good man
How can I get over this
And make the right decision?

What course do I take?
You shouldn't of put me on a pedestal
It's hard to not to stay
I've made all the wrong choices
And there's not one thing I would change
What does that about me?
How ignorant I can be?
And just down right ******* stupid

I go back and forth with my love
Will I ever be content with someone
Or am I doomed to always be searching
For ectasy? And it seems that's what
I'm after, just a host to be filled by
Excitement. It doesn't make much
Sense, the women weren't bad that
Were in my life, I always felt like
Moving on and never gave them
Much of my time. Will I ever be
Satisfied or am I completely out
Of my mind? It feels that way a lot
Of the days, having a beautiful
Woman in my life and not knowing
If she's right. But that has been my
Story, leaving them behind and
Always end up lonely. It's a miracle
That a woman would even consider
Me, let alone be a part of my life.
What happens when the chips are
Down and I have no where to turn
To, am I going to forever make it a
Point to hold back my love and cause
Her to break it off? Or am I going to
Call it quits because I'm confused?
What will that do, except leave me
Out in the cold, always wondering
If it was meant to be?

Seeing the truth demonstrated
Time after time, that he who
Lives love experiences joy,
And he who selfishly begs
For pleasure, karma has
A monopoly on them.

Why are you so upset with me
Is it something I said or did
It seems like I put my foot in my mouth
Everyday like I don't even care
But I do care and want you to be happy
I want the very best for you
Our love seems like it is fading
I don't understand it anymore
It was once like a mountain breeze
Strong and not taken lightly
Now as years has gone by
It seems like raindrops in our head
Always a storm brewing within our home
I don't want it to end this way
But if I have to go then I will
I don't want you to be miserable anymore
And it seems like the sight of me puts you on edge
Where did our love for each other go
Has it just faded into the night sky
Darkness taking over our very being
And we can't find nothing to agree upon
We struggle to make it another day
I surely don't want it to end this way
But if I gave to leave to make you happy then I will
But my eyes will be filled with a lot of tears
And as I take my last step out of our home
I'll shall forever be missing you

Feeling ******
Jacked
Burnt inside
Hacked
Coming back
Like a lightning bolt
Feel the jolt
The roaring thunder
So many blunders
It makes makes me sick
I can't make a to do list
It makes me mad
Why do I feel so bad
I seldom boast
It's all a ******* joke
I'll just sit here
Drink on this beer
Not knowing what to do
Just coming unglued

Worshiping material things, it's not the way it-
Ought to be. I'm enlightened by the right path-
But end up on the wrong side of the road. There-
I see lists of things I want to buy, taking pleasure-
In the hunt, and 98 percent of the time I get it, just-
Because it's what I want. Why is it that I'm so-
Impulsive? I tend to make matters worse, looking-
At the object and drooling, not to mention most of-
The time I can't afford what I'm after. But it-
Must be mine, oh, so very much mine.

It's hard to believe I will ever feel happy
Like I was when I was a young boy
Playing tag with my next door neighbor
Or feeling the excitement on Christmas day
It's hard to believe I will ever feel content
Like listening to old records on my stereo
Or writing poetry at the age of nine
Everything back then seemed so innocent
Everything back then seemed so fine

But it wasn't...

It was just trying to hold on to life
And make the best out of it without going crazy
So much dysfuncftionality ( even if that is a word )

Dad going insane
Older brother malesting me
Younger brother a whimp
So much chaos
We all just wanted to quit

Nothing going right
Mom getting hit
We all pretended everything was okay
Come Christmas time when presents were being open
Then you had Easter, waking up to go to church
Sitting at the pew and praising a God we hardly knew
I thought many times to run away
Forget everyone and try something different
It would be better  than all of this
I even tried it once but got scared and ran back home

How the hell did we all survive?
I wish there was a manual to do life
I would of done things differently
Said things differently
It wasn't at all fine
Now we all have scars
And have turned out different this time

Mom is dead
Dad is dead
Older brother a minister
Which I think is ironic
Younger brother a talker
And me trying to find my own way

I come as a godhead
A bright individual
Taught from the streets
Of light and darkness
There I roam once again
Beaten into reasonableness
Submission cracked me wide open
The light is in the madness
The darkness is in the light
I come to stand strong
Not be broken down
Left my home many times
Started over from the beginning
Oh well, it's a new day
I come not to stand in the way
But let my words show kindness
Until it's time not to be kind
Rather throw my fist and knock
The crap out of the person who offends
I come riding a lightning bolt
Into your freakin' mind

Feeling so out of place
Don't know what to think
It's so easy to give up
And bring about the hate
The ugliness I feel within
I just want to smash this mirror
It's been telling me lies for so many years
Nothing is making much sense
I try so very hard to be considerate
But everything seems too real
I get agitated too quickly
And think too much on how I feel
I don't want to say goodbye
And leave things as they are
If only I could change my mind
And make love come crashing down from afar
I wouldn't be where I'm at
And I wouldn't have to wish upon a star

The pain isn't as bad as I assumed it would be, living alone with my thoughts dancing around like a waltz in my head. I have survived many battles, the ones I have given to myself. Oh, the insidious insanity that it would be different this time, I held on for as long as I could. I wish for others not to undertake such a problem but rather live in the solution. It's so much better to have a good attitude about things than try to control every situation there is. Wishing all that I am to be is a reflection of the man that holds values in his blood.

It is a peaceful feeling to be able to just to listen
To the female without wanting to get into her pants
Don't get me wrong the thought crossed my mind
But I didn't act on it by being preverted by feeling her up
It was a beautiful moment

I see my reflection in the mirror,
The ghost of the past makes my lines unclear.
It is unhelpful to praise my ego,
Though it is what makes me flow.

I see myself trying to find peace,
But choas is more a life for me.
Through the bustle of society,
I choose to make it all I can be.

I find it harder to be kind,
But it does make me feel good.
When I choose to do what's right,
There is more love and brotherhood.

I try not to make myself a phony,
But there are times I fall short.
It's reality to find treasures of the heart,
And become a sensitive being doing his part.

Your weapon cuts like a knife,
deep and sure, a piercing through the heart
I am your victim, a casualty  of words
they go flying, straight to my head
Mean and unjustifiably wrong
Now I wish myself dead

Can I cry into my pillow,
the emotions I have are great?
I just want to blow,
and be rid of the heaviness in my chest.
Days are filled with hatred,
each one wondering why.
The more I hear I want to ****,
**** the person wanting to wreck my life.

This is the end of you,
the more I see your face I want to destroy;
break **** and tear **** apart,
but I would rather take these hands of mine around your neck,
and choke the very breath out from your eyes.
You are the one setting the course,
creating a death sentence of your life.

Does playing by the rules count for something?
Does following the system mean anything any more?
I hear so many ideals about what is right
But I don't see much of anyone going in that direction

I haven't said a ******* word
So many unpleasant things I've heard
I'm one to think the ******* worse
Don't know why, lock me away in a hearse
Crazy as it may seem, life isn't a dream
How my consciousness slips into eternity
Just by looking at nature and it's beauty

I haven't said a ******* thing
Not in any particular direction
It hurts when my words start to sting
And I start to float on these wings
Wishing I was at peace with everything
But there is just too much *******
So much **** I can't seem to get over
So I'm fed up with it,  so ******* tired of it
Can't move forward until I get over it

Sick of it all
The demons inside my head
I run away from heaven
Searching for my own way
But I always end up broken
Stagnant cause of my self-will
The reaper is calling me
I understand my fate
There are days that go by
That I'm lost in the way
Well, more days than need to be
Cause I get in my own way
Trying to do things myself
To figure this crap out
But I have to admit
That I'm really not made to be alone
God is always there
Others are reaching out their hands
Wanting me to give in
And surrender the things that need to be
Surrendered but of course I hold on
Same song over and over again
Same **** I am so used to
To give them up what will I do?
I probably feel a hell of a lot better
Why must I cause myself so much hurt