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I could ruin her life.
I won't.
I could though.

When I was explaining how she knew I cut, I could have slipped a
          •Omitted due to some promise I made•
or a
          "Oh, and she has scars all over her body."

But I didn't.

I'll let her learn alone, the punishment for forcing me into health.
**** promises. Why must I have any honor.
“I want to build a life you,”* she told me,
“I want to wake up to your face.”

“Home is with you,” I confided,
*“No matter what place.”
God I miss her face. Her words...
She called herself the Wolf.
She called herself the Phoenix.

The Wolf hunts.
The Phoenix lives.

Decide, bruja.
Do you **** or do you live.

Cause you've ended a lot of lives.
One too close for comfort.
I can barely remember the color of her eyes. Or the sound of her voice. But I remember when she broke my pinky. *******.
Please don't talk about him.
My brain, my eyes, my fist,
Strain.

Expose me not to demons but your divinity,
That of you which belongs to another realm,
Another cloud, another time.
Expose yourself not to those eyes and that hair,
He endows himself the world and gives not
Care.

Ease me, or at least
Tolerate.
Because, honestly,
You please me,
And you see me
And lead me away from death.

And I don't want to die.
The way a woman sings can make my heart melt.
How she accentuates the consonants in "****" can turn me on.
What level of dressing she will let me see her in consoles me.
Her willingness to hold my arm when we walk together,
How easily she shakes my hand when I first meet her,
Can change everything.

Really though, just kiss me.
I'm easy.
He never fought the dragon,
He never sailed the sea,
Or walked the two hundred mile,
    Like he said he would.
We never spent a lifetime,
We never kissed very long,
We never shared a bed,
    Like he said we would.
I never got the jewelry he bought,
I never kissed his neck,
I never went with the time,
    Like he hoped I would.

And now he’s typing this.
Weeping.
Curses through the misty air of my dream,
Within my brightest thoughts, darkness in light,
If I stand here and stare I see black sheen,
Enjoy my brightest day till dark brings night,
The sun doesn't shine in a sinner's mind,
It has no right to levy heavy tax,
No lost mind can find what lay saints find,
Any gold I find must be only flax,
The music in my ears is a sobbing,
The sight in mine eyes is an aching hue,
The pain in my human skull is throbbing,
The color to escape my head is blue,
Don't leave my head here to turn inside out,
Don't leave me alone to the point I shout.
It's been roughly 5 months since my last sonnet.
Sail the nebula above,
Perk your head slightly,
Highlight the light in your eyes,

Discard your box of fears,
Enlighten shadows,
Sit with me, just be mine,

Taste the air softly silent,
Turn over a new leaf,
Let me see you in new light,

I’m sick of these metaphors,
Stop playing this game,
Tired of writing these lines,

From the start,
I’ve scribbled so much,
Where’s the art?
Where’s your touch?
From when I was deeply infatuated with a woman whose name started with a K.
These feelings in my head were so exciting
The sparkles on her cheek were so shiny
And everything was right
And **** I'm whining.

I knew I would catch her shying
But God I wanted to keep trying

To feel my heart pump- no lying
Was nostalgic and brightening

And I want to make her smile and laugh
And pay for her vegan sandwiches
And stare into campfires with her
Drinking stolen *****.

Deconstruct the patriarchy and stand together at protests and fight corporations from the inside.

And now I want to cry.
You reach a point where you dream of something so much,
One day you awake and it's there.
Right in front of you.
And it smiles and kisses you goodnight.
I couldn't breathe today when I considered certain possibilities,
I am so
T
O
R
N
.

I am bruised and glistening,
Attempting to collect what I can of myself for you,
So you could see
The truth.

I want to apologize for all these months,
But the time healed not only my wounds
But grew me a new heart
Wrapped in a salty, sharp, piercing, sincere, untameable soul,
GOD!
Gathering these thoughts is impossible for me
You destroy them,
I reorganize this tesselating mess of feelings and passion and appreciation
Only for you to smile or laugh or SPEAK
And blow the chains I forged apart,
And once again the wings flap inside me.

I want to be plain, speak clearly, but I can't grab them all,
All these lights inside me.

You have contributed to the construction of an indescribable sun inside of me,
The envy of Sol
For its vitality, mass and luminescence.
IRIDESCENT
                       you are!
It's killing me, your brightness,
For I cannot guarantee a proper expression into words and action
Conveying what I feel
And why I want to worship
The sun.
Blind.

I should stop.
You are a girl, a woman new to this same world as I,
Please do not over think,
Simply
Consider
me.
“Jesus Christ that’s a pretty face,”*

You read my mind.
Sky
Sky
Joyous smile,
Lightning eyes,
Comfortable hands,
A neck so inviting.

Rebel haired woman. I love you.
The dust of an afternoon nap crusts my eye,
It sprinkles down on my life and drags,
Slow and grudging, my legs can barely move,
To sink into coma, catatonic as a mountain,
Would be my dream come true, watching.
Waiting.


-March 27th 2013
The dust of an afternoon nap crusts my eye,
It sprinkles down on my life and drags,
Slow and grudging, my legs can barely move,
To sink into coma, catatonic as a mountain,
Would be my dream come true, watching.
Waiting.

-March 2013
This is a personal favorite of mine.
How much is too much,
How much is not enough,
How close can I get,
Without stealing your breath,
How much can I tell you,
Without being see through,
What do I have to say,
How much do I have to pray,

To be with you for just a day.

-May 26th 2013
Thinking back to the lies you told me,
Your name hurts to even read,


I want to shatter that jar,
I want to see how far,
    This torment will go,


I want to burn out the sun,
I want to set free some,
Of my demons,


Let him die!
Let you die!
LET GO
Drown in the past!
It won’t last!
JUST GO


Replaying that time you used me,
Hurt to the point I couldn’t see,


Do you remember,
I didn’t surrender,
    Never quit,


The things we said,
The words we meant,
    Were nothing,
    To you.

-May 27th 2013
It feels like a hot iron,
Sitting
on the back of your hand.
Burning
away all the flesh.
Exposing
tendons and bones.

Blood. Burn.
Sometimes,
When I'm beginning to drift to sleep,
Sitting or laying with my blindfold on,
I smile.
It's not a weak smile.

My brain thinks of the happiest moments of my life, and some of them are with you.
Always you when I'm sleeping.

I'm worried they'll see me smile.
Two embers,
One flame.
Together we burn away.
Soft sand, the Orchid stands,
Or sits rather.
I miss her, the Orchid.
I miss her, the Peach.
I miss her, the Rebel.
I miss her, the Dream.

Soft like sand, I lay and draw lines.
Lines and lines.

One must lead to her.
Soft as the finest sand, Egyptian cotton.

Soft like skin. Soft like pedals.
Soft like love, I miss her.
Belle.
I worship the Sun.
His rays. His warmth. His life.
I wear Him on my chest. I wear Him in my mind.
Incandescent, luminescent, aught to behold.
Luxurious protection. Numerarious gifts.
Solis Maximus. White gold.
     ☼
The knight fears no night.
The Sun will guide me.
Walk with no shadow.
Walk with light to see.
     ☼
I am His solace.
And He is my life.
We are together.
We enforce the light.
     ☼
My strong armor rings.
When I stand with Him.
My sword’s golden gleam.
When His power wins.
     ☼
Honey of the air.
Father to all life.
Lead me through darkness.
Banish this night!
     ☼
Praise the sun!
I think I'll take that one step further,
                                                        ­        one day.
Out of this box,
                           into the world.
Out of my mind,
                           into my thoughts.
I think I want to get better one day,
                                                            ­  maybe.
I like being broken,
                                  it's most of what I know.
I know that touch.
Somebody sleeps in my bed alone.
I watch his lungs rise and fall as he rests.
I can hear his heartbeat tighten as he dreams terrible dreams.
I can see his hands clasp tightly when he thinks of his situation.
His legs move constantly, restless, because his thoughts are the same.

He wakes up every morning and hates.
He opens his eyes to terrible noises, and stares.
Why can't I sleep forever, thinking out loud. I can hear him.
Why can't I awake to her eyes and smile and hips like we dreamed?
He gets up. He touches his clock. It dies. He was statically charged. Again.

The water doesn't help. Or the soap.
His pity attempt to clean his long, tangled hair.
His half-awake thoughts while staring at the white walls.
He's thinking of women. And sleeping. And sleeping with them.
Or rather, he's thinking of her. Sometimes it's his "lover," sometimes it's his regret.

More sleep. Clothes.
A suit today, he wanted compliments.
A briefcase. **** I look snazzy. He smiles in the mirror.
Your perfect smile is fading. He interjects as if only to sting before leaving.
I watch him trudge out the door only to start freezing. But he's already frozen.

Thoughtlessly driving. No seat-belt.
At least I'll die in my funeral outfit if I do.
He arrives, throwing on a fake smile for the eyes around him.
Music. Mind numbing practice with his golden instrument's sound.
I watch him sit there, stretching his legs, listening with awakened ears.

"Why are you dressed up."
"Because." "Because why?" "Because I am."
Most people would quit there, but there must be a reason.
They keep pressing him. He gets annoyed, but not yet frustrated.
He smiles and answers their questions dishonestly. He always does.

A fake smile for everyone.
It would be so much easier to live this life,
If I could stop thinking of her. But I can't. And won't.
We spoke. We made new words, but no new promises.
Promises always hurt. Even when they're followed through.


He opens his phone.
Browsing for that photo of her.
New, in a sense, though it is still old her.
So young. So bold. So sad. So beautiful. Wanted.
Why won't she talk to me. She said we wouldn't do this!

"The oak and the cypress,
Do not grow in each-others' shade."
I know, old man, but when my tree thrives in darkness,
Why can it not find a properly emitting source, especially from her.
She was so close. She was my waking spark. And now she won't even...

The oak and the cypress.
Staring into different corners of the forest.
Still only feet apart.
Split.
Like a fork in a tree.
The path diverged.
Infinite.
I check for hours to see if you responded.
Like an omen,
I'm free now,
Body yearning for it,
The vigorous tenacity of love,
Whispering its promises of blood, soothingly singing.
-
Well animated, atmospheric,
He never arrived home,
The strange figure that pursues,
Question how a man turned red.
He can't get home,
Make it rain, make it rain sad man.
-
Bring back memories hidden inside the shell,
Earlier attached,
Unmodified.
The rules are simple: win.

~March 25th 2013
"Found poetry is a type of poetry created by taking words, phrases, and sometimes whole passages from other sources and reframing them as poetry..." -Wikipedia
I'm ready to quit trying.
I think I've hit the bottom.
I want to wither.
And sleep.
Fade into dust.
Given ***** and money and *** I scoff,
These things remind me of my void filled life
The sense of Dread and Fear of Pain could stop
If only I had ways of making mine
The life sweeter granted by your embrace,
It is the Dream I wish upon myself
To wake up every day and see your face
To grant me a sweet release from this Hell.
Things could and would only improve with time
Some time for us to learn and share our love
Life would become a show of Art and Rhyme
Poems of our days would banish Bad Blood
Metaphors of our love would saturate
This earth we trust could not would not berate.
Please give feedback.
My soul must be willess, it hurts so great,
All thoughts dedicated to an angel,
Beautiful skin, her smile to lift all weight,
Our meet, unexpected, great change befell,
Cherub, your world disguise fools all but me,
I know of those feathers beneath your veil,
You, mi amor, cause my being such glee,
But my soul will be lost if I fail,
I will spiral into a land of pain,
Graveyard, abyss, helpless without escape,
Only one light could save me, life so mundane,
Your smile, your voice, your touch, are my escape,
But now I am trapped here, this endless drift.
Every day worse than the last, no gift.
-February 2013
Euphoria eludes descriptions.
I am uplifted, I laugh and smile and almost yell joy,
And no one knows why.
The only clue:
A box full of rocks in my room
And the ten dark marks near my neck.
I love them.
I love.
hickies.
No shadow could be taller than a soul,
For souls can not be measured
    Only felt.

No person could outweigh a record,
But your soul could outmatch
    The Sun.

For the Sun’s light is dark compared,
To the glow from your skin.
    Marry me.

    You are my only warmth for winter.
To understate,
You are a seed,
The beginning of a tree.

You will grow and you will blossom,
And you will bear fruit and leaves.

So what am I.

The picker of fruit?
Spreader of pollen?
Maybe a tree, a bush?

You can,
And will
Exist without me.

This is an understatement.

Rather, you are a red giant,
A star ready to blow, expand.

Supernova.

Space-dust.
The elements for life.
I am simply other star-dust.
Maybe our gravity will meet.
I have a habit,
Of summoning the devil
When I speak of him.

Though this devil has no horns,
Her skin is white,
And she has claimed no sin.

Never been to hell,
Floating in her own heaven,
She is purity.

Why do I call her such names
When I know she's only herself;
"Perfection."
-Today, when she walked right past me during a time I thought I was alone, thinking of how I could have done things differently.
Hey,
I know what you’ll say,
But I wanna say,
What I need to say,

Hey,
Every day,
I sit and pray,
You won’t go away,

Like she did that day,
So please just stay,

I never want to lose you so,
I never want to say goodbye,
I never want to see you go,
I never wanna hear there’s some other guy,

You and I are akin to lovers,
One could say we are, akin to each other,
Please know I will never love her,
So please don’t tell me, you're with another,

I want you to myself,
I want to be so selfish,
I need you to myself,
I need you to myself,

I need your hand in mine,
Lips against mine,
Love in sight,
And if you let me,
    I just might...

So never let me hear you say,
What you don’t want to say,
Never let me iterate,
What was said that day.

-June 20th 2013
To hate what I've become is a habit,
I have it, this hatred.
Taking whats sacred from me and giving,
Donating
A living, breathing thing, still shaking.

A gift
Few take a chance to lift,
A kiss.
My Miss.
I want to SCREAM!
I want to never be seen...

But I saw you,
And YOU SAW ME!

I keep feeling like you used me,
You lied to me and your love,
And one truth was more than the other,

Take your apologies,
                   They are the weight of paper
                                                                                                            *To me.
Sometimes I think,
It makes me clench my fists,
And push my legs,
And yell silently in my throat.

My hands vibrate,
My veins pop out,
My eyes redden,
And my heartbeat races.

I think of kisses,
Doorsteps,
Park benches,
And grassy hills.

I almost cry,
Sometimes my arm lashes out,
I punch a wall,
And start bleeding.

Sometimes I yell,
I pick an object,
Today it was a banana,
And I just yell.

And sometimes,
I go home,
I fall asleep,
And dream terrible dreams.

I’m not always okay.
Alternate title: "Unexpected Flare Ups from My Memories"
Staring at your smile,
Only a photo.

Remember our bodies,
Together.

Our short kisses,
Draining my sad.

Your warmth,
Drying my rain.

Remember that hill,
We sat upon it.

We watched the swimmers,
None drowned.

We watched each other,
I fell in love again.

You asked me,
“Correct my clothes?”

So I did,
I fixed your bathing suit.

And I knew,
Right then right there.

I want to spend my life with you.
"My sanity is being tested,
Locked up in this room.
My mind casually races across itself,
Drawing lines over the words she said.
My willpower is breaking slowly,
The vows I made for her dissolve.
And I’m not sure how much I can take,
Without collapsing completely.

Why must my mind be in my chest?

-M. July 24th 2013
"
I smile more.
I laugh heartily.
I kiss and love.
I don't obsess.
I don't harm.
I am fit.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.

I read.
I play.
I drive.
I am free.
I am Marshall.
And by God,
*This feels good.
Now that I think of it,
There are things in my chest
I don't let out,
Things trapped behind iron bars
And locked coffers
Things I never want to show,

This is a prison
Trapped in my head games,
Games I play every day.
Praying that every day is a day-
With you.
Not one more day alone.
I wish you knew.

Every cigarette I breathe,
I breathe you.
Every burning breath that I take
Is one that I take with you next to me.

Desperate landscape,
Every road is further
Than the furthest I've been from before-
Ohio is worn, I'm done being torn.

My mind's made up.
Every possibility has been considered,
I know what I choose from here,
And I don't know if it's something you want to hear.

I still choose you.
I choose time and painful nights.
I choose the time apart,
All the hard parts.
I’m sitting here dazed and confused,
Rethinking my actions I took,
Why must I always lose,
When it comes to winning a look.

I spoke you mine heart,
Told you its temper,
But you see only a part,
Only just an ember,

Embers can burn like before,
Fires can too,
But a flame is much more,
Flame’s heat can warm you.

Embers come from fire,
Find the dancer’s source,
Lay your head for you tire,
And think of the lines I implore.

Stay warm, love.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but she is so persuasive.
Beautiful brown eyes,
Beautiful brown hair,
Beautiful smile to match.

Beautiful pink lips,
Beautiful singing voice,
Beautiful soul to match.
The glow of neon lights illuminates the spot he stands,
It is raining and their reflections are quite clear on the ground,
Using one hand propped up against a street sign,
The other holding an almost invisible, dark umbrella,
One leg crossed fashionably over the other,
Long coat, hood up, shadowed face underneath,
    He waits.

Cars go by, all of any color, but really just one color; darkness,
They reflect the seafoam green, and cherry red lights of the lining shops,
The venders are fast asleep, for the hour is late,
Their shops are closed, but the lights show on,
The nearby pedestrians glance up at the man, the signs, but walk on,
But one girl, white coat, black hair, face in her phone,
    Walked
    Right
    Into him.

He felt it, she felt it; there was a shock between their hearts,
For one split second, they shared a soul, a past, a future,
Neither said anything, they just, stared into each other,
The light shined in her stormy blue and his oak brown eyes,
Mouths agape, he slowly started to smile,
“It’s been awhile since I saw an angel on Earth,”
    She gleamed.

“I knew I was waiting for something, didn’t know it was you-
Come with me.”

She went.
A shackle by some other name,
A memory in mine,
A mind not my own would perceive them the same,
But this good memory is hard to find.

“Plainly, no love,” she told me,
Then I will wait till you can see,
I dream of you, waking and sleeping,
I skip food and company for your needing.

Drifting thoughts manifest in the form of inkm
They are the planks of my boat,
With no words holding me, I sink,
With no glue, nail or latch, I cannot float.

The sea, my metaphor for Beau,
Looking down, deep, far down, shows blue,
And in the darkness of depth, I can’t hold you,

My last words, I pray to undo.
                I’m sorry I hurt you.



Use the stars to so North at sea,
Use the moon, the sun, the broken compass.

                                                   Drift.


-September 26th 2013
Found this in my notebook. Apparently I wrote it.
Open my vein for these masses
Cover and shower them with my red blood
They love it.
They love my pain.

Hundreds of cheering faces,
Jumping and yelling and dancing and hugging,
Drenched in my blood.
Lambs to the slaughter
Romans to the coliseum,
Gladiators and lions and sand and blood.

Always more blood.
Suckers for more blood.
Like a scarecrow he stands there,
His legs bow backwards,
Only a tad,
And he ponders what the air would taste like,
If we could all sing the song of rising suns,
But in the corner of his bloodshot eyes,
One bead of blue forms,
And it ran down his cheek,
Onto his arm and off it,
To land on his black jeans,
Whose threads were so tight his feet felt fuzzy,
But he did not care,
This was the pair,
She kissed him with.

The salty ocean air bit his ears.
He went inside.
And slept.

*It’s just not fair.
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