To the other guy

I only have five things to say to you.  

1. The ring on her left hand doesn't mean she was playing hard to get. You thought you were winning her heart yet you're just a champion of second place. You gave your whole heart to a woman who only finds you good enough to give you half of hers.

2. If her love was a diet, you would be nothing but the cheat meal. You're like the slice of chocolate cake in the fridge; she has to sneak around at midnight to indulge, but wouldn't dare eat it in broad daylight.

3. Her daughter now looks at her with the same teeth-gritting, gut wrenching disgusted look that a Muslim has towards a pig. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked the first home she was proud of building. And you weren't even there to help pick up the pieces. A man like that should be castrated, but you'd need to grow a pair first.

4. If something is broken, you fix it. You don't destroy it.

5. I'm talking to you, because I wanted you to realize all that you destroyed without even thinking twice. I wanted you, the man in the mirror, to see what your selfishness selfishly took.

This life didn't come with a manual
We're forced to manually go through its ups and downs
Getting spun around on society's notion of how to live
You see, society works like a model T factory
Trying to put us down a conveyor belt
Place us in a mold and push us out like that's really how we're supposed to be
They told me I need to graduate high school at 18 Finish college at 22
Then go to work wearing a tie in a cubicle
They told me I need to provide for a wife and two kids
Bring home the bread in the form of 5-6 figures
But here's what they didn't tell me
They didn't tell me what to do when college tuition was raised again
I mean I'm already eating three square meals of ramen noodles just to make the payments
They didn't tell me that the one class I need to graduate is no longer offered
So I came all this way just pick another major
They also didn't tell me that they only hire people with experience
Now I'm stuck with a piece of paper and mountain of debt
And it's one of the best kept secrets that society tried to hide the horror
That I paid 100 grand to say can I take your order
They also didn't tell me that it's hard to find my queen
In the sea of self-entitled princesses that only want my money
They want relations, they don't want relationships
They crave the attention but none of the commitment that comes with it
Society is so focused on creating a perfect standard of living
That they forgot to tell me what to do when it perfectly unravels in front of me
And they continue to push people out of the factory
While I'm swimming in the byproduct they conveniently left me
This life didn't come with a manual
So society can't fool me by creating rules on how to live
Because racial divides say we stereotypically live differently
Yet they continually expect us to live equally
I dared to be different and chose to live for me
I was sick of living vicariously through the rules of society
And decided I am the pilot to my own destination
Flying to my own creation of life
After all, this life didn't come with a manual

I take pictures, but own no cameras
I view the world through these brown eyes
And it comes out of my mouth like Polaroids
At first glance it might not seem like much
But give it a few seconds, it'll come with time

I look back and I see a road paved with memories
The bad images were captured in each river that flowed down the salt-built irrigation system on my cheek, click
In each broken promise and empty lie that I thought was full of meaning, click
I lived in the past so often I confuse it with right now
Dwelling in the way I felt when I took those pictures
Like that girl, her sun kissed skin so hot it still burns me, click
Like in school when my grades dropped so low my heart is still sinking, click
Like my thoughts how sometimes they still haunt me it's overwhelming
And when I felt I couldn't take it I wanted to stop thinking, click
There's some good images too
I just can't remember them
They were lost in the endless pile of pain, regret, and disappointment
That's when I realized how all those pictures were just duplicates

So I looked forward and I saw my visions and dreams
I started looking at the world in 35 millimeters because those Polaroids took long to develop
Before I could see they just weren't good quality
I need to see the beauty of life through negatives first
Because then I can choose the images that get printed
Like the image of my bride as she comes down dressed in white, click
Or the image of my degree as I wear my cap and gown, click
Or just the image of my smile that I wear for no reason at all, click
I finally had control of how those images were recorded

But I don't see in panoramas so it's easy to see how I missed the big picture
There's a reason it's called the past
Because it passed my present to my future to be presented as a gift
And help me learn to cherish right now
I was lost down memory lane refusing to let go as each new moment passed that I kept forgetting to capture
You see, life is full of moments
Will you capture it, or just let it slip?

It took me 22 years and a deployment in the military
To fully understand the true sacrifice of a hero called my daddy
You see, for most of my early childhood he was stuck on a submarine
Working his *** off to make the money so he could provide for me
It might be difficult to fathom that when he went underway
There was always a slight possibility that his absence might stay that way
But for me that was just normal, that was my status quo
It was just my daddy going to work 15,000 feet below
You can put miles between us but love knows no distance
Our hearts are never distant even though he wasn't present
And he may have missed a couple birthdays, had to tell me merry Christmas in a digital telegram
But I know that he had tears in his eyes his heart filled with pride when he first saw my sonogram
And I know the true meaning of American sacrifice
Because he would give his last breath if it meant I could peacefully sleep at night
He may not have always been there physically
But I still know he loved me
Because he was on the beach taking the blunt force of every wave
So they would never wash over me
As long as I'm dry I know he's always watching over me
It took me 22 years and a deployment in the military
To see that even though other kids had the luxury
Of a fathers love in the form of hugs and three word pleasantries
I realized I did too, my daddy just loved me a little differently

In January 2015, my country said Happy New Year in the form of an Oklahoma cop
that stopped my brother and I for driving while black
This is an open letter to him
I never thought I would say this to a real cop, but **** the police
**** what you say, you did not pull us over because we were following to close
You pulled over a family of black men that have proudly served this country founded on the belief that I can die because 1/3 of my life doesn’t matter
But I gave you the benefit of the doubt
and calmly placed my trembling hands on my thighs on the side of I-40
waiting for you to waste my time
You immediately asked my brother to step out of the car so you could explain why you stopped us
I immediately had flashbacks of hands up don’t shoot and i can’t breathe
I had open-eyed nightmares of skittles and black sweatshirts
I had an image in my mind of Emmitt Till’s open casket, and I saw my brother’s face
I saw my brothers blood caked under your fingernails as you walked away
Because you always seem to get away
When I think of Trayvon Martin, Micheal Brown, Rodney King, Emmitt Till, and all the fallen members of my race  
They are each reminders that I am never too far away from being one of them too
I am never too far from being made an example
However, you couldn’t find a reason to justify putting us in jail cells that are marked for colored only
You seemed dissatisfied that you found two black males that oddly enough, didn’t fit the description
You so badly wanted to put us back in our place when we never fell out of line,
none of us has ever fallen out of line
You may one day get this message and think there goes another angry *****
But mr simpleton let me explain
Being angry and being hurt have the exact same feeling
Make the exact same sound
And cry the exact same tears
So it's easy to see how you could get confused
Somehow you see my race as a threat to this image of a life you already live
White privilege is the health insurance plan that gave you coverage specifically because you have a preexisting condition
My people will continue to make strides in this most free of nations
Yet to you we will always be inferior
And for that i pity you
You see I could go on about how you were wrong
About how you are just another terrorist wearing the uniform of someone who is supposed to protect Americans just like me
But you will never be worth my time

Learning how to swim was the most traumatic skill I ever learned
Sure, if I ever found myself on a sinking ship I could survive
But I don’t consider playing in water a source of a good time
I don’t really go to beaches, I don’t like going to pools, hell I don’t even like drinking water
I had this mental complex that water displaced any confidence I ever had in myself
I had this afraid to die complex, and any time I was in the water
It felt like I was swimming laps around my own grave

I remember when I thought I didn’t like people
So I never went to parties unless I was dragged to them
I was an inflatable lounge chair in this pool of faceless people
Aimlessly floating, passively wishing someone would sit with me
My friends would ask me to jump off the diving platform and loosen up
But just the thought of opening my mouth made me feel like drowning
I would stand on that platform, look over the edge
and I thought, what if they laughed because I said hi instead of hello?
I could only imagine free falling awkwardly into the water
failing to break the surface tension with the weight of my awkwardness

I would find myself flailing underwater, not sure which way was up
I couldn’t breathe, my oxygen tanks critically low on air
My mind was blaring sirens, a red alert that I will die
I need air, I need air, I freaking need air
All of these people are using up my freaking air
I need to get out of here now, I got to go, I got to leave
I need some space, please, just get away from me

My head broke the surface, I took hastened gasps of life
And I realized, I hadn’t said a word to these people
You see, the thing about my anxiety and its attack on my body
Is that I get asphyxiated on situations that haven’t happened yet

I learned how to tread water by accident
My body learned that you can’t drown if you just keep moving
I was a buoy in the ocean, a beacon for lost souls trying to find their way home
But you see buoys, which are guides to misplaced navigators
Expend their purpose when others find what they were looking for
Then they are left alone, with no place to call their own
Like a captain at the helm without the beauty of the moon
Happiness is about as buoyant as the Titanic in April
I saw my hopes sink with every crashing wave
Becoming acutely aware of a quiet thats supposed to be peaceful
Yet the silence of the night casted a shadow on my self-worth
Leaving me spinning in a whirlpool of my destructive inner dialogue
And suddenly, I was just tired of treading water
The muscles in my body begged to give up trying
My body was just the twisted shipwreck of a voyage I no longer wished to take
And when I finally stopped moving, I slipped under the waves
I remember thinking this water and my tears have the exact same taste
I was done, there was no reason to keep treading
Through an ocean that was no longer worth swimming in

But remember, I have that afraid to die complex
I was swimming laps around my grave but had no intention to lay in it
My friends found me floating hopelessly in my misery
Climbed inside my head and kicked my depression in the teeth
They reminded me that I can’t drown if I just keep moving
Because I am still here, so I just kept treading