I've discovered Hell, and the truth is,
It isn't a place you go, it's a sickness.
It resides within your bones
And its scaffolding is made from trauma.
The only fire you'll find is from the white-hot flashbacks
That leave you drenched in sweat that smells like smoke.
No-one lives there except you and your enemies,
And your enemies are fragments of history, unable to be killed.
Your mind is the devil that subjects you to punishment
That you can't help but be convinced that you deserve,
And escape is a notion kept only for tears;
Everything else remains trapped.
Hell is being held within the cage of your own body
And killing yourself trying to break free.

I wonder why,
why am I unable
to sort into words
what I'm feeling.

Being attacked
by invisible forces
to connect you back
to my center.

Voices calling your name,
calling me back to you.
Calling me back to the uncertainty,
to the state between I can't but I will.

I want to change your mind,
but you're stuck between the I can but I won't.
They keep calling your name,
They find their ways .

I'm not expecting
anything, anything from you
no hearts or heavy breathing
no rage or anger seething
I'm only keeping
keeping track of
the pleasant days I see you
no butterflies and no I need you's
just air. the air i breath
and maybe right now
thats what I need

Sometimes, I want to ask you about how you feel about me.  
I want to ask you if you love me but, I just don't have the guts to ask you.
Maybe you're too busy to answer.
Maybe you're not in the mood to answer.
I'm just scared to mess things up.
For I messed up several times,
And I thought you'd love me less,
Or leave me.
But I'm glad you didnt.
I'm glad you didn't give up.
But I know,
The time will come when you can no longer put up with the mess I make.
One day, you'd probably ask yourself, "is she worth it?"
And maybe, you'd just ignore me.
Maybe, find someone who's worth it.
And maybe, you'd finally be with someone who asks less.
And maybe I'd end up with nothing
But, all the mess I made.
But guess what?
And I would still find joy with that.
Because whenever I see these mess,
I know,
I tried.
I loved.

Today was a good day.
I felt like myself,
The me that has been away at sea.
Little by little I'm filling the breaches
With patience and appreciation.
Day by day my heart whispers:
It's okay not to be okay
You're still changing,
Forgive and accept your decisions.
It is what it is
So rise above and shine brightly.