Emptiness filling veins
falling into a trance
emptiness
a temptress
temptress of night
taunting  
screaming
seeking
digging down deep
deeper into the veins
hunting forever

Stars shoot across the midnight sky
And the drunkards shout outside my window,
Screaming about nonsense that I don’t hear,
Because I am dreaming . . .

Behind my lids lies blackness,
But in front of my eyes I see wonderful sights;
I am an adventurer, strong and fearless.
I have wings.

I am me, unhindered by this-worldly chains -
Chains like time and space and gravity
(Which together are quite a tragedy) –
Watching as the universe unfolds.

Suspended in mid-air, haunted by places of the past
And impossible visions of an invisible future,
I see faces familiar and faces strange,
Mixing the stages of a conscious life.

Snuggled in the warmth of my worn blankets,
I feel the comfort of your unseen arms around me,
Holding me tight in my dream-world bright
In a corner of indiscernible dark.

I watch as the plot unwinds and thickens
And disappears again to a timeline surreal.
But the adventure grows stronger and the will more determined
And I watch more vividly as my consciousness begins to stir.

But before the war is won and the kiss received,
Before I say the words unspoken,
Before I die a victim of tragic death,
The wish remains unwished.

My eyes open and I’m left to the sound of alarm
And the light of a morning too bright.
My heart is beating fast, captivated
By the wish it made that can never come true.

A smile alights my waking-up face,
Remembering fondly the adventures of my mind.
But the day is to begin and will take from my memory
The dream that has already disappeared.

Does anyone ever tell the truth
when they say how they feel?
Some part of them holds back,
afraid of offense, frightened
of rejection

Everyone holds back
I just want to scream
exactly how I feel,
but repercussions would
vibrate back and snap me
in two.

So I hold my tongue
and softly speak sweet words,
pouring honey in your ears,
things I know you want
to hear.

Trapped inside,
dead, though I'm alive,
the silent screaming of things
I shall never say,
shaking the bars of the prison of
my lips.

I'll keep it hidden away,
'cause fear is a tight chain,
and I am a
coward.

So I'll slip back
into the shadows
lest I say too much...
Running from this madness
until it catches
up.

It’s a wonder to me why my heart keeps beating…
I see it as a burden most days…
I cry,
I scream,
I grieve,
I hurt.
I have no idea what happened to my mind…
I think perhaps I left it in the freezer behind the frozen pizza.

I realize everyone has sorrow and hate and rudeness in them
We are all capable of doing things we never thought we would do.  
I also understand that we all have kindness in us too,
And that's the part we have to hold tight to when the pain feels all-consuming.  
I know that life is not fair, or just
I know that, like last night, even though I rant and rave and scream and cry;
If I just hang on by my pinky nail,
I can get through it without hurting myself
Because as hurt and angry and confused as I feel most of the time,
I do not have to hurt myself like he hurt me.
I’ve realized that crying is a pretty inexpensive hobby.

I live with ghosts
Ghosts from my past that haunt me every night.
I used to not believe in ghosts
But the truth is,
I see them at night…
Sometimes out of the corner of my eye,
Inching toward me
As I curl into a tight little ball and hide under the covers.
And I know that ghosts cannot hurt me
That I cannot ignore them,
But instead, I must face them...
As painful as that continues to be.

And therapy…God!
Therapy!
One of the things that surprises me is that it doesn’t get any better…at least not so far. The further you dig, the more you reveal, the worse the wound hurts.  But I've learned that if I want help, I have to trust my dear therapist, and I have to be willing to share things that hurt and bleed, things that are full of shame and pain. Before this “round” of therapy, I used to view the world surrounded by a sea of apathy. I could always keep up appearances but as for feeling? Well, all feelings just fell into the sea before reaching me. And now I am surrounded by a sea of pain and grief. It’s a strange realization, after spending so many years not feeling anything at all. It’s like looking at your hand and discovering you have an extra finger; it must have been there all along, but you’ve never noticed it before.  

I sit here at gloomy grove,
Crying my eyes out from the pain,
Screaming my head off from the betrayal.
And I tell myself over and over,
“Things will get better – just hold on – you will see a light, you will find some relief.”
I have cried enough tears to solve any water crisis!
I don't understand
I don't accept it.
I don't know if I ever will.

I spent today alternating between crying and screaming
And I am still screaming, silently:
Help me find my soul.
Tell me I have a heart.
Tell me I am not crazy.
Tell me I will be okay.
Please…someone **HELP ME!