I went to see the bats because I did not want to be home
the bats never came
I stood out in the cold and waited for an hour
It felt good to be able to identify that my fingers where numb
I broke a piece of the rotting fence as I waited
carving my name into the soft wood
I thought “one day I will point this out and say I wrote this. I was here and saw the bats”.
But it become dark
the crowd of people dwindled until it was just me
waiting for the bats who never came

There is something about eyes that scares me
A depth that can never be reached
Revealing no one will be pleased
That a little tempting sadness will be unleashed

Eyes are the gate into one’s soul
Representing what we hold most dear
Be careful not to stare too deep into that hole
For you may just fall into a foreign frontier

I find that they mirror insides
Anger shines with wrath
Fire rolling through iris in red tides
Sadness rushing in waves of a rolling path

I am scared that a look into my eyes
Will tell you all that you need to know
My secrets will be no longer be in guise
Trapped inside of green and yellow

My tears rush down my face
The sadness at war with my mind
Has won with grace
No longer confined

And my eyes gave me away
Now one look will tell you all you need to know
My eyes are the gateway
Into my hidden pain, they glow

That was once in chains
Now freed by the truth
In my eyes
Just look

The mirror taunts me
She knows something I do not
She holds within her a truth
The truth
Reflecting back truth

I do not recognize her anymore
Those cold eyes
And selfish intentions
Every day she changes
Always reflecting
the truth
That I am not the same person
And I do not know those eyes
Staring into my soul
Taunting me

the halls were quite today
filled with a cloud of sadness
it swam in everyone’s eyes
we were drowning in loss
“i’ve lost the ability to be happy. the fog covers everything”
i turned to look at her
strands of curly blonde hair crumpled in knots
her puffy eyes perpetually watery
she was on the verge of breaking
holding herself together with nothing
everywhere you looked people were torn apart
by the boy who crashed his car and died

a face is haunting me
it’s all i can see in the darkness of night
hovering above my consciousness
slowly filling the cracks in my heart
until all i can see is loneliness

the piercing eyes remind me
that i killed
it
i destroyed it
to a haunting memory
of teenage innocence
of laying in bed wrapped in a blanket
holding hands while staring into his eyes
laughing till tears streamed down my cheeks
washing away stress
till he was all i saw

the face won’t let me forget
that i killed him
it drifts in and out
now all i see is him
looking at me in confusion
whispering “i’m sad”
that crestfallen face won’t let me forget
that i killed everything

there is a face haunting me

i am waiting
for my thoughts to spiral
uncontrollably, twisting and turning
until i am trapped in a knot of despair
unable to unravel my own mind

i am waiting
for my mouth to open
angrily, gasping and heaving
until i am destroyed by inescapable darkness
unable to expel my own demons

i am waiting
for the knife to not be sharp enough
anxiously, cutting and failing
until i am left with a tiny scar
unable to vanish from my soul

i am waiting
to not be enough to stay
foolishly, hoping and wondering
until i realize i will always be just here
the person who never leaves
who will never be noticed
but is always waiting until one day she is
waiting on a dream

The words float upon air
dancing to the tune of smoke
twisting
turning
I watch them go
from my lips
to your ears
so effortless
weightless
and yet they held the suffocating meaning of my heart
there was so much heaviness laced within
those particles of invisible waves

in one breath,
i lost everything

there was a hole in my heart
draining me of life

i put on a mask
to cover up my true nature
so that someone would come
and fill that hole up
instead slowly i began to leak
seeping into other people

until all that was left
was nothing

i opened my mouth
to scream for help
but all that came out was
a thundering silence
that enveloped the whole room
creating a black hole
leaving nothing

so in one breath
i lost everything
to nothing

The morning light creeps in,
slowly,
into every crevice
filling the peeling paint
with glistening honey dew

It discovers every concealed flaw
but rather than exposing it,
to harsh judgement
it transforms it
lighting the room on fire

I am so sorry,
For all of it
And yet nothing at all

I'm sorry,
That I let you in
Opened up my heart
Let all that love pour out
Only to be left empty,
Discarded into a spiraling despair
As if I was nothing

I'm sorry,
That to me you were everything
You were my one source of comfort
In a world of hurt
And yet here I sat
With a gut wrenching headache
From all of this tumbling regret

I am so sorry,
That I was not enough for you
When you were too much for me

holding on to nothing but empty words
the more i try to grasp them
the harder i fall
until i’m lying here,
limbs everwhere
staring up at the clear blue sky
wondering if i fly,
will you only throw me back down?

Random she said
It's a random...
Collection of my heart

I turned to stare at her
If you looked
Really looked
You could see it

The hurt
The deep scars,
That ran the length of her hair
Her cracked lips,
That longed just to be loved
And those old beaten Convers,
Just like her heart

There was also beauty
In her piercing blue eyes
In all ways, she was a mess
A random
Beautiful mess
But this one didn't need to be cleaned up
Only loved

Collectively
We brainstormed

The universe seemed like one giagantic
Possibility

We were the greatest minds
Working together
To create history...
To live on mars

We followed behind
Many
Gigantic footsteps

The voyage ahead
Seemed daunting
But not impossible

It wasn't getting there
that would be hard
It was living there
That was impossible

I stand and take it all in
The laughter filling the air
Family smiling and dancing
The whole atmosphere of the place,
Washes over me

It's one of those moments you wish would last forever
You try to make it stay,
Forever in your mind
So you'll never forget this feeling
But the reality catches up

The moment is stopped
And it's like the world has started again,
In the corner husband and wife whisper angrily
Family age old feuds take over,
And nobody stands a chance

And there is goes,
That wonderful moment,
That could have been from a movie

Whoosh
Reality's back

Noise
It surrounds me
buzzing
infuriating
unrecognizable to the ear

a radio signal
one can never tune to
I try the controls,
but the wires bellow catch my wrists
they twist,
and twist
into tiny knots that cover me

i'm trapped in a hell of my making
without a voice
no one helps me
they all see me
but no one speaks for me
then you called my *name

You convinced me that only lies flow from your lips
So I stayed my distance
Always hoping to run right back to you,
Once my bruises healed
But always knowing
Blood would also be at the surface of those cuts

You are nothing but a lampshade,
Protecting the hot light that burns inside of me
That would shine brighter if not for you

Believing your lies was expensive,
But no more than staying
And I pay the price each lonely morning

Peace,
peace of mind..
strength and spirit

A sense of calm,
that comes with knowing...
your place

Its been a long time coming
filled with sadness...
struggling for breath
and words expressed to escape

But it was never thoughts,
only actions needed to escape..
myself

maybe you will think me ignorant
but i know myself
no more tearing about my mind
no more analyzing,
just acceptance
and peace

but you know what they say,
the eye of the storm is always the calm...
and then reality hits

Each morning I put on the mask:
                                                          ­ of perfection
beauty
                                      kindness
­                                                                 ­                                humor

Everything I wish I was
With another crowd I take it off,
And put another on;
                                                             ­    of braveness
sarcasm
                                 stealth
                                                         ­                                       ambition

In a way the masks protect me from harm,
I just fit in
Am like everyone else
Invisible
My identity lost

WHO AM I REALLY?
For I no longer know
I never take the mask off for long
Scared of whats underneath,
Scared to be me

I don't know whether to hate you or love you
Somehow you've filled my dark empty space with light

Every time I think of you I smile
Letting the warm tingling filling feel me up

you occupy ever corner of my mind
Day and night I dream of being near you

Why can't I live my life in peace?
Why won't you let me?

I liked life when I had no care
When things were easy
But now I care to much about you
And you about me

butterflies dance,
all around
soaring in perfect circles

they never leave,
your side
always coming back when you think them gone

you can feel their tiny wings,
beating inside
making you want to turn back home

oh how can something so small,
make you so nervous
make your stomach clench in fear

little butterflies,
know the secret
nerves can make you feel something more

so what does it mean when their not there

Everyone's looking for that one thing in life,
Love,
Passion,
Wealth,
Power,

We spend our days,
Occupied,
By that one value
Constantly searching for it
So we can feel completely
Complete

We look,
For the secret
To happiness,
Fulfillment
No frontier left unturned

We all look,
For the one thing,
That makes us feel worth something
Yet we never think to look,
In the mirror

Breath in
Worries out

Dropping of shoulders
Dropping thoughts

I escaped this place
Only to be brought back

You appear each day
Like an occurring nightmare

I must be going mad
Maybe insane?

I want to scream
To smash and break lose

I will clench my fists
And bide my time

For now I will shut it in
And smile

Pretending everything inside
Is all in my imagination

I will SIGH

Breath in
Worries out

Dropping of shoulders
Dropping thoughts

I escaped this place
Only to be brought back

You appear each day
Like an occurring nightmare

I must be going mad
Maybe insane?

I want to scream
To smash and break lose

I will clench my fists
And bide my time

For now I will shut it in
And smile

Pretending everything inside
Is all in my imagination

I will SIGH

I used to be filled with rage
Than sorrow
Finally remorse
But now I’m happy
I’m happy for you
You’re moving on
And for a while I wasn’t
Keeping a hold on you
Not wanting to give up hope

Something happened
Don’t ask me what
But I’ve learned
I’ve learned that you gave me,
Something great
Countless memories
To keep in my pocket
Taking them out on a rainy day

I don’t hate you
I still love you
Just not in the burning way

I’m happy for you
For her
And I’m happy for me
You will always be a part of me
A part of my poems
But I will not think of you in sorrow
It’s time to write happily

the blank page taunts me
my fingers can not find the right letters
my brain doesn't form any more beautiful words

there is nothing left,
no happiness
nothing beautiful to write about
not even sadness

without you I can not do anything
without you I seem to no longer write
you seem to have been my identity
my feelings

If you keep this up
pushing me
yelling
treating me like i'm dumb

if you keep on pushing me
i will snap
hitting you
in your self righteous face

the more that you test me
the more anger i will hold
and i don't think your ready
for it to explode

when he sat down silence followed
what was there to say,
we hadn't talked in a month
so much had happened
so much couldn't be taken back
i missed him
but not enough to let go of my anger

I hadn't fought for us
letting him hate me without a word
no explanation
what does that mean?
was there nothing worth fighting for
when he opened his mouth
my heart melted
my anger, and regret disappeared

I'm sorry, for everything, i didn't mean what i said

can i trust him to hold my heart again
maybe i don't have to tell him how i feel
he could hurt me
he had made me feel messed up
worthless
he didn't even let me explain
letting me suffer
a discarded toy

but I miss him
and I can't stop thinking of him
can he truly care again?
can i care again?

*I forgive you

all was lost
my world
love
spirit

you thought you could come
                                               make
                                                             it
                                                              ­  better
                                                        ­don't
                                                  you
     ­                                       see
                      ­            now
                          i'm
               gone
                         you got here to late
there is nothing to save

I cant stop thinking of you
in everything i do
your face reflects
your body moves

i want to grasp you
hold onto to something real
instead i get wisps
of a ghost

you occupy my dreams
my eyes belong to you

yet i do not know you well
your only a day dream

give me something to hold onto
something i think about as i dream

i wish you were mine
and not hers

He once looked at me like I was his world
No action by me was ever wrong
Now that she has shown him the universe
I am only a twinkling star in the night

I never truly loved him
No wait that’s not true
I loved him but not in the way he wanted
Why does it hurt so much to know that I've lost his love
To be discarded like I mean nothing

Didn't I at one time mean something?
Wasn't i his everything
Within days of talking to her,
we are dust
I hope that the universes you find together last longer
For ours is a black hole
Filled only with lionesses and confusion
How could someone destroy his world so mercilessly?