Pitter patter
Pitter patter
We sit here with no real knowledge
Of what we are to amount to
But we feel
Oh ****** how we feel
What we want to amount to
Badump
Badump
We will break like glass
And we will glisten like
Sun on the water
But so long as we feel
We are unshatterable
Beep
Beep
We might feel like we have
Hit the land from the sky
With our hearts of glass
Our souls of fragility
But there is always
The *feeling of what we want to become
That drive that will keep us going
Simply because
We possess hearts that beat
And hearts that bleed

Hahahahaha
"Why so serious" darling
You look a little scared
Caught in the midst of this
Web of lies you've spun
You don't weave tight enough
Because I found a hole
Yeah hunny, you're crazy
But I'm far crazier
You look ready to **** yourself
Did you not want her to know?
Well darling
I've got friends in dark places
And I'm the ringmaster of that ******* circus
You've got ***** I must admit
But perhaps it's time for an
Unscheduled castration
That ***** beer in your hand
Couldn't have done anything to lead to this
Unless since we met
Your tolerance has drastically dropped
I see your white flag waving
You ****** with the wrong pair
I see that fear in your eyes and I couldn't
Care less than I do right now
So darling
My old friend
Gone rogue
Smile for the camera, *****

He hates this guy who appears to be his friend

She thinks said guy is a *****

He thinks he's arrogant, outlandish, and foolish

She hates his ego

A child who had know him for only twelve seconds
Used the word "cringe-y" to define his everything

But I myself think I might like him

He makes me happy whenever we're near

He causes my stress to be forgotten

But if my friends can't stand him
My friends who know him far better than I

Maybe I should rethink this infatuation

But darling, you are hardly one of them these days

I scare myself
I laugh at the silence
I cry myself to sleep
I scream at nothing
I cut so deep
I dance when in pain
I prefer the rain
I believe happiness is fake
I don't really like cake
I prefer life to be sour
I can't be optimistic
I love expecting the worst
I think I enjoy being hurt
I have so many secrets
I sometimes give them to the world
I hate this game
I'm not me
I act like someone else
I'm only me around him
I should move on
I hate being in love
I refuse to end charades
I will write my life away

If love were enough to
Hold everything together
And prevent harm
The world might be better
But you know what,
Sometimes love isn't enough
Love cannot mend
Unforgivable breaks and bends
Love can't forget
Misfortunate wounds cut open
Love can't stop disease
Or cure cheating, lying, or fighting
Sometimes,
I've realized,
Love simply isn't enough

Italian shores sparkling like champagne
New York streets bustling, humming my name
Sedona palms and eternal light
Lou'siana grandeur, twinkling nights

Innocent songbird
Keep singing sweet sorrows
Keep whistling lullabies
The cage they're erecting
Can't keep you in
Can't tie you down
O! innocent songbird
They can clip your wings
Trim your claws
But how stupid are they
Thinking you are a pet
A prize for cheap pay
Innocent songbird
They've not yet realized
Everything they are doing
Can't **** your singing
They don't understand
The words of a man
Are much more powerful
Than the laws of the land

And spray-painted "Black Lives DON'T Matter"
In the parking lots
The week before they changed the wifi name
To "School Shooting at 1"

But it doesn't matter!

Of course it matters, but it doesn't

But listen
Because what I have to say might be important

The truth of the matter is this:
Hate is so cruel
It's mean
That's its nature!
But we don't have to accept it
Those incidents?
They were a couple different things
Caused by a few ******* teens.
But it doesn't matter
Because we are all here to just be
That's all.
We are meant to hurt
To cry
To bleed
To be pained
But it is not the end state
I do not care what your personal beliefs are
But I do
Because you are an individual soul
Fragile and beautiful
But you are just one
The same for myself
Now think
Together we can be powerful
We can be strong and wonderful
We are unstoppable

Have you ever seen a revolution led by only one person?
No supporters?
No agreeance?
More than likely not.
But it always starts with one.
One person
One idea
One value
One soul
One perspective

I am ready to take up arms
Against cruelty
Against hate
Let's start a revolution
Let's love

Walk through in the early morning
While the sun sits on the horizon
While stars are still burning brightly dead
Take the time to be truly fascinated by your home
And just speak
Tell your house how much you love it
How grateful you are for the memories you've made and will make
Drop your worries at the front door and keep walking
You can pick them back up later
Talk to your house like it's an old friend
Sit in the silence and listen to what it has to say in return
Keep your house healthy and happy
Maintain your chores
If you fall behind don't worry
House will always forgive you
Because if you listen
You'll hear how much it loves you

Stop giving a **** about those who want you gone
It is beyond obvious that they are poison
Trying to dance upon your scarred tongue
Stop crying over spilled milk and **** you could not control
Why the hell are you regretting
Those unhealthy memories that don't make up your soul
Stop thinking about that scared little *****
The once small frightened child you once were
Because that is no longer you, not one bit

I am an untold story
An abandoned book
Perhaps someone will pick me up
Read me without fail
Wear out the pages and dog ear the corners
Highlight their favorite lines
Maybe they'll write comments in the margins
And love me anyways
I might become their favorite tale to read
With newly written chapters just for them

Isn't as uplifting as it is on a Wednesday
Isn't as sweet as on Sunday
Isn't as forgiving as a Saturday
Isn't as filling as on Thursday
Isn't as full of memories as Tuesday
Isn't as carefree as it is on a Friday
But a strawberry lemonade on a Monday
Is far more poignant
Thoughtful and brooding
More intuitive and emotional
Definitely more sympathetic
And more compassionate
It's friendlier
It's more enticing
I wish every day
Was a little more like
Strawberry lemonade on a Monday

My heart certainly goes out to you
Especially after
This year's fourth of July
When Missy
A neighbor of mine in
My hometown
Begged us to sell her a sparkler
Only one
Because her five year twins
Were bawling
In the back seat of her car
Not knowing
How hard their mom worked
Just barely
Finishing her shift for them to see the
Fireworks' finale
She was **** near in tears when we
Gave away
Three sparklers and several ground flowers
For smiles
And out of kindness
She almost
Dropped her glowing Marlboro
In surprise
A few minutes later we could see
Three lights
Waving magnificently in the dark
And I
Took a picture that will forever
Be engrained
Of three handheld fireworks
Being waved
In an exactly identical pattern
And illuminated
Smiles on a small hurting family
Struggling mothers
My heart sincerely extends to you
With sincerity
I wish to help in every way
Ever possible

Doesn't it make sense to drop your body into a steaming tub
Surrounded by a thousand flickering flames
Nestling yourself down into an infinite amount of bubbles
It seems so simple and easy
Like creativity as a child
Where did my sense of art go?
I can see it everywhere but in my own head
It's like leaning toward the middle of the back seat to watch the bugs
On the front window battle the mist that grows fiercer
Pretending there are cameras from every angle as water rolls steadily down the window to your side
Humming a tune that you think you made up
Because you can't remember where you've heard it before
And now tears full of salt destroy the soap that has encompassed your whole body
The art you so carefully dreamt of isn't really yours but you'll say it is anyway
Because it makes you feel good
It gives you a sense of power
Some sort of control
Because Lord knows you're really just drowning in the rain
Like those bugs on the windshield
That didn't have a chance anyway

Bee
Bounce
House
Fun
Run
Sun
Tree
Look
Boy-- just like you--
Book
***
Play--you love to play don't you--
Ball
Garden
Sit
Kite
Friend
Now listen Little Man Four,
Friend is one of the most important words
You will ever know
You have friends at preschool right?
Well, you see, when you go to kindergarten
You're going to make even more
And eventually all these friends
Will carry you through the rest of life
Remember the words "play" and "fun"
Because along the road of life
You'll need to enjoy yourself plenty
"Bounce"around with your friends
Even if they are imaginary
Throw a "ball" in the "garden"
Watch out for the flowers and the "bees"
"Run" in the "sun" every chance you get
Because I hate to say it but
Little Man Four, you won't always be able to
"Sit" by a "tree" and fly your "kite"
Or "look" at a "book"
And when you're tired
You can go to sleep in the "house"
Right now the world is at your fingertips
You're learning to read
And count
And write
Little Man Four,
Always remember, it is you
Who is in charge of your life

I'd just like to take a moment
To acknowledge all the good you pour from your heart
All the love you give without a second thought
I'd like to thank you for remembering
What it was like and for
Reminding me none of this ******* will matter
I want you to know I appreciate
Every single thing that you do
And say
I would like to just say thank you
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for being you
Now you get to be reminded
Because if I know you
I know you'll need to be reminded
I love you

I wish to be romanced
Completely wooed
Swept off my feet
I want to feel pursued
I crave the late night refrigerator glow dances
And 3 am drives
Sneaking off into fields of clover to stare at the stars
Wishing on every single one for an eternity of this moment
I want the simple ease of a pleasant life
Where we find adventure in the mundane
Just once, I want to be sought after
Rather than doing the chasing

After all the rage is run dry
And the rockets are set aside
The girl's not coming home
She ran water back and forth
'Cross the great lands on battlefield
She's seen horrors
That put grown men to sleep
She's nursed wounds that endlessly seep
But after the war out here
The girl's not coming home
She's not stopping or slowing
She's going to make a break for it
Because no amount of hellfire
Compares to what goes on
Behind domestically closed doors
The girl's not coming home
She's no valuables worth dropping in for
Because as soon as she enters
The threshold of the front door
It's another go round of fate worse death
And ****** all because
The girl's not coming home
She's learned from that mistake
Sometimes the one you marry
Isn't the one you loved all those years ago
Before **** went south and he backhanded your mouth
When the bottle made him rough
And you don't wanna play
Darling
The girl's not coming home
One time too many 'round that track
Lucky she has no kids
She'd leave them just the same
It ain't no way to live
In the twenty-firsf century
So everyone
The girl's not coming home

I can hope and I can dream
That you might still love me
If you swear that you'll be true
I will always love you
You had my heart
Once before
I never got it back after
Our war
You 've fooled me once
Now fooled me twice
There are tears burning my eyes

Here is the tale of an ordinary girl
She met a boy thinking he could be her world
She thought it was love at very first sight
He took her home and made her his queen that night
When she awoke too soon the next day
The place beside her was occupied by sun rays
The boy had left her all alone
Her heart was broke just like her throne
And she sang:

I can hope and I can dream
That you might still love me
If you swear that you'll be true
I will always love you

He lived his life out on the road
A different girl each night to forget his home
The girl he left behind in the dust
Shouldn't have left such an impact, but
He packed his bags of wandering
Closed his eyes and prayed that she
Might still be waiting
As he roamed:

He would hope and he would wish
That she still would love him
He left her heart all alone
But he hoped she'd still be home

He returned a week later
Saw on the door a note that hurt
She had moved on with her life
But she wished she could have been his wife
He called her to come back home
And she trusted with blind love
He lost his temper late one night
And she thought she lost her sight
He dropped to his knees and cried
Begging attempts and apologizing
She forgave him once again
It was in the morning when she left him

With her head held high
She whispered her cry:

I have hoped and I have dreamed
But you don't still love me
I know now you'll never be true
Yet I'll always love you
You had my heart
Once before
I'll never get it back, not after that war
You fooled me once
Now fooled me thrice
I still have tears staining my eyes

I can hope and I can dream
That I might love me
I swear to myself that I'll be true
One day I might not love you

There's nothing I can do about it
No lessons how to fix it
This monster with razor teeth
And bladed tongue
Whispers
Nothing sweet
As a functioning person in society
Abled or not
No one wants to here the venom
Spurred from its mouth
Wretched webbed lies
That stick like glue
And make me want to scream
I'm terrified because I can't
Do ******* anything
It scares me to know that the worst
Part of it all is that
The monster under my bed
Is none other than
Me

A garden full of sweat and tears
The weeds have choked what once was mine
  Each blossom that manages to escape the dark
   Have learned to make a difference

A graveyard filled with rotten years
Enveloped by forgotten memories
  The night guard keeps watch on the nothingness
   On the heavy and solemn eternal embraces

An abandoned swing hangs from the oak
That sits in the backyard filled with heartbreak
  Everyone as left and the windows are lacking light
   Even the moon cannot break the shield of ivy vines

Through that small window in the top left hand corner
A shard of hope still lingers with the perfume of life empty
  One eye is all it takes to glance out and see the landscape
   Not a single soul remembers the occurrences in that house

The night guard makes his way as dawn breaks
He's weary from watching over those awful tombs
  Up the paths, through the garden, to the front door
   A stench floods his nose, but that stench is long gone

It is only a memory of a promise he could not keep
Up to the top left hand corner window
  Well, Mr. Gravedigger, bury me soon,
    He smiled at the bottle he should have put down

But that was why his beloved family
Rest in the ground behind his house and his garden
  The teddy bear in his dead daughter's crib
   Reminds him of all the **** that he once did

He screams at the bottle as if it's somehow its fault
That the night guard could not watch over his life
  He opens a cabinet and places the barrel
   Pressed to his head, then pulls the trigger, but he isn't dead

What cruelty is this? I want my wife back!
The night guard lay bleeding on his sweet daughter's carpet
  The sirens started wailing as the sun peeked through
   And poor Mr. Night Guard descended to Hell

So I did what I've been conditioned to do
I texted my ex
At least ten times
I didn't call him baby
Or say I love you
I just asked him to talk to me
Because I was feeling suicidal

He didn't even reply

I confessed this to the man I
Actually love, the saint in my life,
And he asked why I didn't come to him
For the comfort I was seeking
But "Hey babe, I really want to pass out face
Down in a bubble bath after drinking two
Bottles of NyQuil so that I can just drown"
Isn't a great pickup line

But he's my best friend

He looked so hurt
Not by my not coming to him
But my thoughts of suicide
He couldn't fathom why I'd wish myself
Dead
And it was as though he was starting into my soul
"That's the thing about relationships" he started
"Your boyfriend is supposed to be your best friend"
He promised he'd always come
He's always going to be here for me

*And I've never loved anyone more

All day as I walk around town
Around school
Around life
All I breathe in is hate and anger

It rolls around in my lungs
And chokes me violently just
Like when I tried smoking with my
Cousins who told me they hated the addiction

And honestly, I don't want that
So I exhale love because
I can't continue to add pain to
This world that is bleeding with a need

We need to be focusing more on
Building each other, not taking us down
And we need to acknowledge that our
Self health is only as healthy as the things we say

Our words are reflections of
How we view ourselves
We need to remember that it okay to
Walk away and put ourselves first sometimes

We cannot please everyone
Nor can we save the entire world
But oh my ****
If we can't try by way of love

I am still uncontrollably in love with him
Even though I promised no more pining
But this isn't pining
Because I don't want to be with him
I just can't stand the thought of
Some other girl
With perfect curves
And beautiful alive hair
With a glow around her
Touch him
Kissing him
Dragging her perfectly manicured hand up and down his chest
As he begins to look feral
And tear off her clothes
STOP
I can' stand the thought of them
Watching a movie together
Playing with our puppies
And wearing my ******* shirt
Holding hands and exchanging butterfly kisses
STOP
I have anxiety just thinking about this
And I know it's not fair
After all, he isn't mine to worry about
I'm just being crazy
And, oh ****, I'm hyperventilating
I can't breathe because this knotted hole
Keeps getting tighter and tighter
I'm going to pass out
But not before I cry
But he's allowed to see other girls now
So why do I want him
STOP
I don't want him for myself
Because I will not pine
I just don't want him with someone that isn't
Me
*****
****
****

These hands have held many things
Wiped away many tears
Dusted many books
Pushed away many people
These hand have destroyed many opportunities
Created many scars
Drawn many lines
Painted many masterpieces
These hand have been frail many times
Sliced many foods
Written many words
Changed a few lives
These hands have fortified my being
Strengthened my muscles
Danced across many keys
Tried to clean up broken glass
These hands are tired and tried
Broken down
Beat up
And strong
These are the hands that have help
Shape me

I couldn't breathe
I couldn't think
But I could feel
And that is the most power
I will ever know

The demons that possess my past
Hold their strongest clasp
Causing my turning and tossing
Drawing from me gasps
Searching for refuge in a happy thought
That has not yet been devoured
Is like sitting in a witch's caldroun
Hoping to not be boiled over
All these skeletons have been adding up
And the closet doors no longer shut
I'm trapped and I can't breathe
My heart is racing
My mind twice as fast
Somebody help me before I pass

The world stands
Still so that our
Responses will
Propel us forward

Kinda works for me
I feel better about myself
Actually
It's so weird
I feel good enough to do anything
I really appreciate
The art of being single
I have more self respect
Since he broke it off
I don't have to live
For two people now
I only must
Please myself

Hatred, it seems, is plaguing my lungs
And dramatically piercing my tongue
I am hopelessly confused:
Where do these bullet shaped words come from?
What is the purpose of this deadly
Thought constructed weaponry that spills
So effortlessly from my oral cavity?
Why is it that I allow the calvary to permeate
My filter solely designed to avoid anguish?
Am I compensating for the damage inflicted upon me?
Compensating for the time I so willingly gave
To fuel my addiction to consistency?

Can I say, "******, this suffering is enough!"?

Hope, it seems, ****** my mind
With its irritating relentless plea for attention
Attention I must provide
If only because I the cry for notice
All too well; like the back of my hand
Because in a world so fueled by hate,
So fueled by the concept of good always ending
We all need to be seen
A pain of the past causes too many pains
For the future, but
Even when it seems impossible
A chin will be lifted by a hand that whispers,
"I see you
And I hear"

1:12 PM, 21 March 2000 PST
-
11:08 PM, 17 July 2016 PST
My life thus far is not
Defined by my timestamps
I am the negative and positive space
That fills the void between my numbers
Some people are "numbers guys"
I, myself, am a "a-let's-see-what-the-hell-is-in-store-next girl"
So **** the timestamp
11:11 PM. 17 July 2016 PST

We're emotional hard hitters
We'll knock you out of the park
We bleed words
And breathe rhythm
Our hearts pulse rapidly
And we're sure to write a poem
Or collection of poems
Just for you
We will tear apart the world for you
We will paint you the universe
But when it's over
We'll cry rivers of ink
And bleed puddles of tears
Because there's no greater love
Than that of a poet

Today I went walking
To go buy some treats
And on the way there
Down these familiar streets
Something in me shifted
Something had changed
Maybe that  something was
Simply nothing but me
I grew up here in this small town
Just for two short years
But to me you are home
And I cannot let go
But something in me was
No longer the same
At first I thought nothing of it
As I walked to the small store
For soda and candy
And ice cream galore
Bit on my way out
This nagging consumed me
I pushed it down
Into the depths of my mind
For a moment
I didn't want to think about
The growth and the change
Because I wanted everything to be the same
I don't want to leave behind childhood bliss
When my biggest problem was
Remembering who's weekend it is
I miss the simplicity of having no fear
But I know that that girl
Has long since disappeared
I was able to fight off all of these thoughts
Until I had almost reached my old front walk
I saw a woman walking away
From the cul-de-sac I'd been through
So many times
However
I didn't think I was seeing someone else
Because I got lost
In watching myself
I saw a child walking toward me
Not that woman in a sweatshirt
I saw the sheepgrass grown too high
And an adult version of me
Walking my way
Like some sort of warning
And I heard a voice
Like a scene in a movie
Telling me to move on
And release all my agony
She sounded just like me
At seven, fifteen, and twenty
Telling me nothing was wrong
Unless I let it be
As I write these words
Recounting my evening stroll
I realize I am never alone
I am the only thing in my way
Nothing is concrete
And sometimes things change
But I control me
And I think I'll enjoy it this way

I've been keeping
A list of things about him
Anything I feel important
Gets noted
His favorite color is green
He has a golden doodle
her name is Sadie
He has auto-immune encephalitis
He swears like it's going out of style
But makes it so suave
Etc. Etc. Etc.

He was feeling sad
Broken
Unappreciated
So I told him to hang on a minute
I needed to get my bag from the car
I threw in my shoes, forgetting socks,
I didn't even grab my jacket
The rain tried to drown me
As I accomplished my mission
I took a few pictures of this list
And hit send

I thought I ****** up
45 minutes went by and
He hadn't said anything
My anxiety was kicking in so
I played first person shooters
With my baby brother
I love that kid
My phone vibrated
Sending pulses of panic
Throughout my existence
"Wow"
One word, no explanation

"Truly amazing"
"No one knows me that well"
The short texts of amazement kept streaming in
Vibration after vibration
He was so happy
That didn't stop him from
Mentioning that he hates
This whole being single thing
But it's for the best when
You've been cheated on by five girls
Again I helped

"Sorry for being clingy the past few days"
I shot an hour or so later
He always tells me it's okay
But I don't think it is
Without missing a beat
He replied
"I love it"
I cried

I cried because
like I told him
He "just made my heart smile
So much that tears fell
No one's ever said anything
Like that me and it washed some
Of my anxieties away"
I proceeded to thank him
He's my best friend so
There's always that love
That exists between friends
So I thanked him for it

He was confused
"Thank you for loving me Evan"
"Samm, I don't have to try to
I love you so much it comes naturally"
This man
So wonderful and imperfect
Yet so flawless
Made me cry again

My heart hasn't ever smiled before
I thought in the past that it has
But that was just butterflies
My heart smiled tonight
**And I've never been so
Sure

Crackling embers simmer below
Snapping loud bursts at the most inopportune times
Curiosity strikes threatening to remind
Of a life so long ago
Memories boil to the surface
Swelling with a typhoon of emotion
Rudely inviting themselves
To cling to a life of what could have beens
It's like a wound never fully healed
Torn apart, ripping at the scab
Bleeding and itchy
Denial burns cruelly