do you remember when you left my bed
for the last time that dark december night?
you were angry and i was cold
i couldn't give you exactly what you wanted--
your desire, a warm invitation into a life i didn't know i'd want
but now as i see you through tinted windows at red light intersections
and i catch our friends saying your name in hushed tones
i find myself face to face with you in my midnight thoughts
wondering what i'm missing from our past life together
slow kisses, warm embraces, soft smiles
the way you held my hand as you drove your car
the way you grabbed my neck and pulled me closer
the way you wiped away these incessant tears
all the things that kept me close to you
but i can't forget the things that pushed me away
echoing arguments, unrealistic expectations, alcohol-dependent nights
the way your irreverent temper slashed my autonomy
the way you despised sobriety but only around me
the way that I was never enough
do you miss me like i miss you,
or do you hate me like i hate you?

It is a windy day today,
But I hoped that you might stay
And not blow my heart away.

I fear a fearsome storm doth brew,
That they shall cleave me from you
Oh jealous clouds cease to stew!

Sun, don't permit this darkness fall
Hail winds, and command them stall
Buy me time, however small

Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends

Perhaps I'll move to the cardboard box
that sits under the stairs.
I'll say I found a new apartment,
one at no expense.
I'll have my own aerosphere
3rd-class postage stamps,
punched into my knees.
I'll get to know the gloves and folds
that package at my skin-
let the corners of the box
soften into different shapes
and alleviate my fears.