These multiple perspectives never expanded my view,
but only made me lose sight of myself.

What I stood for disappeared when I lost myself in you
and no,
it's not your fault,
completely.

I gave myself away when you only wanted small pieces hand fed,
and only if you said please.

So I'm sorry that I stuffed my love in a person who became unprepared.

My eyes were bigger than the weight on your shoulders.

my social worker
when he was dying
always told me
"prepare for the worst,
if you don't want the worst"

i know she's a professional
qualified and probably underpaid
but looking back
she gave some ****** advice
because out of all the days
i've been blessed with your being
i expected to:
fall hard
love gently
cry hard
and then
hardly love

but you, babe
were quite the opposite
i fell hard
love hard
hardly cry
hardly think about
hardly loving you
simply because
it's impossible
almost as impossible
as the worst
coming out
of you

i've often been told
that the apple doesn't fall far
from the tree

but if i climbed the highest tree
broke the weakest branches
and picked you with a single touch

would you
could you
distance yourself from the orchard of your old ways

today, we can be tone deaf
and cringe at the notes our love once symphonized
today, we can be left handed
and **** up the paper our story was on
today, we can be mute
and let the silence speak for itself
today, we can be blind
and never see it coming

but tomorrow,
we can orchestrate
we can draw
we can speak
and we can see
everything we ever wanted to happen

i cant hear properly
when hate has the horrid screams of sirens
and i am just the unknown author of this myth
i am believed to be true
explaining the unexplained, unmentioned
but if all the so called confidence i radiate is phony and false

what really am i?

the only thing i'm sure of is that i am my most hated part of literature
maybe it's because i never took the time to appreciate and delve deep
get lost inside what was supposedly true
and conflicts with the life of christ

maybe i never took the time to appreciate
the miles of how far i've gotten
get lost inside my ignorance
and find the treasure i wasn't focusing on in the darkness
because i was so focused on the chanting sirens

but when i returned to my loved ones
rejuvenated at the least
i couldn't hear their congratulations
the typical phrases of showing how proud you are

because i was deaf
and i realized i didn't hear
anything but my own voice
but everything is amplified
when you're by yourself

I've never met someone as thought provoking as you
I wake up at 5 am or 2 pm thinking of you
I fall asleep at 5 am or 2 pm thinking of you
I told you on December 26th that I would write poems about you
Maybe even books
But these poems or books would be stacked in the Children's section
Because I drew pictures instead
Pictures of what I hope to see, what I fear, and what we are
I know it's cliche but really these pictures are worth a thousand words
But I can guarantee you out of the thousands,
I love you so much would be painted at least 600 times

They say at the age of 7, girls start planning their wedding
At the age of 17, they pick out the right gown
And at the age of 23, they without a doubt know who their best maid is going to be
But at the age of 17 I'm struggling to find the reason for matching rings
Because the material things are just exaggerating promises for something that can part your lips with ease

But out of all the stories I've told
I must admit, I've stretched the truth in the most entertaining ways
I'm not exaggerating when I say I love you
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that potentially waking up to the wall that is your broad back would be the most beautiful sunrise I could ever ask for
I would put my arms around you
Your skin would be cooling from the friction of last night's 1 am hormones
But I'd still hold on and hope to get a burn of some degree

grow up with me
grow up with me because we still have a lot of experiences and living to go through before we grow old together
but at least we'll never grow apart

we'll start off with achy knees and torn elbows from rough housing in my backyard
sweating trying to prove a sense of dominance over one another
laughing because we swore we broke at least 3 bones
laughing because we're a pretty equal match to each other
//
laughing because there's no reason to be the alpha when love conquers
laughing because just like skin our feelings bruise but there's no permanent shade of purple on our hearts, because our feelings heal and they will never die

we can stay out past dinner time and then come home to our mothers lecturing us about how to be safe and how to tell time
but really, we were only around the block, at the park
but our mothers would still believe we were across the country
and while their anger leaks we can just giggle to ourselves because our imaginations took us places that were far beyond the country

I just think it's ironic because right now, in this moment, you are across the country
no imagination required

The feeling I get around you is similar to the dropping of my body at 1:08 am when I'm trying to rest my constant headaches and cycles of things I wish I would've said. No one enjoys worries that cloud over their thoughts and you're my precipitation. Each drop trickles down the crevices of my brain and travels down I-90IWishIWould'veNeverLetYouInTheWayIDid and exits out my eyes burdened with the drops, whether it's salted water or paralysis. But just like the weather these memories or maybe lost hopes are unpredictable, but somehow remain constant like the average climate that's recorded each year. But if you were to record the years I've walked upon this planet, my climate dropped to the coldest since decades in 2014.
Funny how everything about me dropped, when you dropped me.

you came into my life like a punch to my jaw
and all my rotten teeth fell as love circled my head
and sedated me with all its gorgeous dreams

but oh my god, under all the gas fogging up reality
my mouth started to ache
and i could no longer whisper the words that could've made you stay
because i was numb on the actions, convinced that it would've made you walk away

but i bit my tongue 'til i could taste the metallic satisfaction of silence and regret


all i have is body language now my dear
and i can barely crawl, yet alone act like i'm fine

stuck in the troubled position of deserving you and deserving to be alone

i often placed my head on my pillow as it whispered reassurance for the hope i'll always have into my left ear
and i often sacrifice a full night's sleep for a continuous daydream of you

but that was before i realized that we were built out of paper patience and cardboard perseverance
it only took a liter of lies and a spark of convincing
that burnt us to the creaky floor of something i knew was going to happen
but never wanted it to
our love was the catalyst for brokenness after all


i just never thought it would be something we said would never do

said i would never do

that did just that

I think I made you up inside my head,
I yell in between the lines of words I should've said.
I convince them it's really not me, but
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I want to drop dead at the sight of you,
past six feet under, unfortunately making enough room
for us two.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The whole world crumbles when I hear you speak,
screeching my sorrows, blurting my name.
I wish you didn't weaken my already fatigued physique.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

You're composed of doubts and wait for collapse;
until I start where I was always at.
You leave me with chasms, unfilled gaps.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

You're from Hell itself, the deepest of low.
They're from Heaven, and left without a note.
How many more shots until the final blow?
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

spent my whole life staring at the receiver
waiting for my calling

to receive you
I jolted awake
after sleeping on the living room couch
coated in impatience

you have a ring to your name
and a bell in my heart

you and i
are point a
and point b
we're lucky
we're not separated
by seas

we're entangled
in these miles
paved with love
and hopeful smiles
miles ache our hearts
but at least
we're smart
about reality
and what it may
hold
but reality won't stop
point a
from holding
point b
or point b
from holding
point a

i wanna like, you know
kiss you so hard we can't tell which set of lips is whose

i hope you don't mind, but
you make the wax drip down my body and harden at my feet
you make me stand when i am weak
and you'll forever be the fire that helps me go

i mean, like
there's more secrets to be shown about you and me
and more whispers to be heard

so to be honest,
i'm all ears for every sentence, phrase, word, breath you want to speak

because, i'm really, i guess
deep in love

and like
i try to explain how much i do

but really,
i add unnecessary words because i am at lost for how much you mean to me

so basically like,
you're my everything


honestly