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its summer and I ache when I think about it too much.
I miss when it didn't hurt.
when it wasnt drenched in mourning.
when i was 10 years old sitting on my twin sized bed with a chapter book in hand while my open window welcomed in the warm summer night air.
when the warm months were seemingly endless and full of long days spent innocently playing outside with my brothers and their friends.
I miss watching movies with my mom in her bed, falling asleep safe and content.
I miss when she'd come home from work and we were so excited to see each other. I always hugged too hard.
I still hug too hard.
I haven't changed much, im less blameless now but im still the same bright eyed and bushy tailed boy ive always been.
Bugs are still my best friends.
I still dive to the bottom of the river to swim with the fish and collect the prettiest river rocks for my friends.
I haven't changed much but I have a scar on my shoulder now.
you can see where each of his teeth sank into my skin.
I had to clean the blood myself. I cried a lot that day.
im 19 now and ive learned a lot of important lessons.
I dont think child me would like knowing what older me has been getting up to during these summers.
nights spent drunk texting from strangers couches.
bruised limbs and ****** noses and hickies.
being forced to learn how to be content alone.
having to learn how to pull myself back together without anyone's help after falling apart or pulling myself apart.
Its summer and I miss when I was so very small and so detached from the reality of my life that the word "family" still meant something.
i miss when things were more simple.
when Id spend my time at my dads hiding under the safety of the giant evergreen tree in the corner of the yard, pretending to be a wolf pup that lost its family and was living its own peaceful life after.
I felt safe under that tree, pretending I was alone.
I couldn't get hurt if nobody was around to hurt me.
i miss how content i felt living my make believe life.
what makes me sad is knowing I cant go back to that time.
and what makes me even sadder is knowing thats a good thing.
sometimes I think i miss childhood innocence until i remember i didnt even have it to begin with.
i forget that what i miss is half believing my own facade of that innocence.
my childhood is a dead thing that won't stay buried.
its rot poisoned me and im just starting to get better.
im thankful i can never go back even if it hurts.
 Jun 2023 kain
jinx
ucla
 Jun 2023 kain
jinx
prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb
 Jun 2023 kain
jinx
i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it
 Jun 2023 kain
eileen
tinnitus
 Jun 2023 kain
eileen
I don't like to hear myself breathe
I don't know what to eat
can I die in my sleep
tired of living this reality
I don't want to breathe
how do I break free

everything hurts
nightmares start to feel so real

there's no one to call
I'm all alone

light flicking
all alone

it's so cold
in the dark

fading away
deep inside my mind

there's a space
I created
hell or heaven I can't tell the difference
 Jun 2023 kain
Laura
if you take all my sheets off,
& say the worst things in the dark
i can learn to find some rest, knowing
i won‘t love you any less.
even when i’m mad and blue,
and say the same things back to you,
pack your things and leave a mess
knowing, i won’t love you any less.
& when i hold on much too tight and
cling to all the what-if/mights,
even when you don’t pass my tests,
i won’t love you any less.
if you forget how i feel and turn
away to something “real”,
i hope you’ll remember how i felt, but
i won’t love you any less, i guess,
because of all the ways i’ve loved,
and all the ones that i let run,
i take a breathe, and beat my chest, cause
i won’t love you any less.
 Jun 2023 kain
b e mccomb
the neighbors
peonies are
unfurling
but not ours

the rhodies on main street
are starting to fade
but the in-laws’ row
is in full explosion of color
the one we planted
was taken out by a deer

the blackberry bushes
likely won’t give us
fruit this year
and the peach tree died

but the wild
strawberries
are creeping
through the lilies
of the valley and
towards the mint patch

and every day i look
out my living room
window and am
grateful

admiring the perfect
division of crab grass
down the property line
at least i’ll never
have pedestal planters
full of ornamental grass
or pesticide notices
sent to my neighbors

it can be
bittersweet
admiring someone
else’s garden
when yours
doesn’t look the same

but you have to
work with what you’ve got
and trying to fight nature
is a losing battle

they say to bloom
where you’re planted
but they leave out
a crucial part

some people
don’t bloom

some people
spread
some people
trail
some people
vine
some people
reach

not everyone can
bloom on their own
some people have to
have help to get
dug up in the fall
or fertilized in the spring

some people
do better
in container gardens
some people
are invasive
and need pulling back

and i wish
someone had told me
that it’s less
important to
bloom where you’re planted
and far better
to stop
comparing your
garden
to someone else’s
copyright 6/12/23 by b. e. mccomb
 Jun 2023 kain
Pyrrha
Orange juice
 Jun 2023 kain
Pyrrha
When we were sixteen we made a promise
That when we turned twenty one
We would meet again
For a glass of orange juice
Because he doesn't drink
I never told him
That I'm allergic to citrus
But what is a drop of poison
In a chalice of love?

Last month he turned twenty one
And came close to breaking our promise
He sent me a letter
That nearly broke me
I couldn't read it
I dialed his number
And begged for an answer
Just like always, he did

But in those moments the world froze
The dial tone felt like a death knell
It was void, it was empty
As if it were already a world without him
As if it was a warning of what might be

And now I'm thirsty
So very thirsty
For that glass of orange juice
 Jun 2023 kain
Pyrrha
Like Schrödinger's Cat
Love is too large
To quantify in contradictions
Like the cat in the box
In it's superposed zombie state
I too can't determine
If our love is alive or dead
And like the cat,
In reality it cannot be both
But I think I'll leave it
Forever in this zombie state
Of unknown perpetual mystery

For I cannot uncover
What I've already buried
The way I learned about quantum physics just to write this
 Jun 2023 kain
tumbledry
One glance at your outstretched arms
Had my legs trembling to stay put
I saw versions of myself leaping into your lap
Tucking my head against your neck
Inhaling the familiar scent of oranges and
a day of hard work.
Those hugs aren’t mine anymore
All I could do was run.
Run away from the longing.
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