its summer and I ache when I think about it too much.
I miss when it didn't hurt.
when it wasnt drenched in mourning.
when i was 10 years old sitting on my twin sized bed with a chapter book in hand while my open window welcomed in the warm summer night air.
when the warm months were seemingly endless and full of long days spent innocently playing outside with my brothers and their friends.
I miss watching movies with my mom in her bed, falling asleep safe and content.
I miss when she'd come home from work and we were so excited to see each other. I always hugged too hard.
I still hug too hard.
I haven't changed much, im less blameless now but im still the same bright eyed and bushy tailed boy ive always been.
Bugs are still my best friends.
I still dive to the bottom of the river to swim with the fish and collect the prettiest river rocks for my friends.
I haven't changed much but I have a scar on my shoulder now.
you can see where each of his teeth sank into my skin.
I had to clean the blood myself. I cried a lot that day.
im 19 now and ive learned a lot of important lessons.
I dont think child me would like knowing what older me has been getting up to during these summers.
nights spent drunk texting from strangers couches.
bruised limbs and ****** noses and hickies.
being forced to learn how to be content alone.
having to learn how to pull myself back together without anyone's help after falling apart or pulling myself apart.
Its summer and I miss when I was so very small and so detached from the reality of my life that the word "family" still meant something.
i miss when things were more simple.
when Id spend my time at my dads hiding under the safety of the giant evergreen tree in the corner of the yard, pretending to be a wolf pup that lost its family and was living its own peaceful life after.
I felt safe under that tree, pretending I was alone.
I couldn't get hurt if nobody was around to hurt me.
i miss how content i felt living my make believe life.
what makes me sad is knowing I cant go back to that time.
and what makes me even sadder is knowing thats a good thing.
sometimes I think i miss childhood innocence until i remember i didnt even have it to begin with.
i forget that what i miss is half believing my own facade of that innocence.
my childhood is a dead thing that won't stay buried.
its rot poisoned me and im just starting to get better.
im thankful i can never go back even if it hurts.