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Sweet chatters clinge to the drum
The voice spoken in the other room
It always tantalized the less critical
it echoed in their heads fading always to soon...

Some left it where it was
and others brought it with them
I always tried to keep it close
I always tried to hide it with in.
second chances and sun rises
How the earth repeats eternal
I'm counting each breath I learn how to take.
It seems like they freeze right in front of my face.
Harden there like a mask to constrict my flow
Form into a shell of me until we are standing toe to toe.

My efforts, my words which have come to define me
Standing here in front, now surely looking to confine me.
Shes such a beautiful girl, I don't know why she'd defy me.
But just because she looks like me doesn't really imply me.

I had this dream the other night, standing by a mirror
I thought i caught a glimpse of some one, but then it got clearer.
It was me all coked up skinny and sad
begging for a fix but i said to bad.
She was therein the flesh not a reflection anymore
Begging and pleading picking at sores.
I couldn't take it so i shoved her to the floor.
I could beat her down, but i reach for the door.

She started to scream "but it feels so good i need it now"
I turned and ran looking for a way out.
Its my child hood home, kitchen and sink
The smell of the dead causes it to stink.
A past that haunts me, more than any ghost.
A past that has claimed my mind as its host.
I had a dream you were still touching me.
it was different though now you were ******* me.
And I wanted out and I wanted away
the bathrooms were filthy
And I wasn't okay
And I couldn't wake up
And I wanted to die.
You wouldn't leave me alone
And I couldn't. Figure out why.
I'm older in the dream
But I'm weak around you
and your face is different.
But it's you.
And you couldn't have me
if it was up to me.
No I would cut my belly wide
I would open it , see inside
and I would bleed until
I died
And that's what I did.
STOP,
You will never blame me
for things
undone
by fate.
nn
nn
My spinal erosion is aching the ribs.
What a terrible way to wake up.
I don't mind.
I try not to.
The pressure stops with gravity.
no
no
You gotta give me props for this...
I was only young but never so dumb
You gotta at least accept one thing
I never had any but i found some....

You dont get to
control this life
and I dont want to
Know your strife

Pages and pages and pages ago.
I turn pages and pages and pages to go.
Saber bladed
bloodied tooth
with stretching pulling
ripping flesh.

It moves for you,
One big beautiful mesh
of everything that ever was

with matter stretching forth
every thing that ever was
a reflection of the forest.

Twitching tendons
dare to spasm
so close to getting

what you want.

what you need

You bleed and bleed
every single month.


Faces swimming in the ocean tide
Waiting for an **** ride

of separation

just begging for creation...

I understand you little bug
you twitching pulling
parasite.

Its everything in nothing
and i see it all around.


its creation and its spacious

its time consuming and gracious

Its everything that ever was...

this life your living now.

look around,
do you see the ancient reflections
shining in the air
with the clearness of the wind
as it moves through your hair...

No heavens gate
could be this pure.
Compulsion is swimming
In my veins  
And bidding me lunge
But the weight of the chains
Is just to much
And forethought never....

Fore thought never comes into play.
Not in these moments
When movement is sway
And I'm thinking not.


But inspiration


And I'm thinking not of
Degradation
But just of that thing
Which we all possess
Just of that think
Which thinks so much less.

Yes.
Inspiration.
Fallen from the sky
with feathers of an angel
and fire of the gods
I wasn't turned away from you.
Though the stories and lore
Warned against those come from heaven
I knew jesus was the same
Cast from above
Light bringer
To the deprived.

Revelation I encountered
Thought producing thought.  
And you in my mind.

Terrible thing to not care
Whether he be devil or angel
God or not
His light burned so bright
I knew in my heart
this is who I follow.
And when you find within you ugly confront the infestation
Lose Yourself inside the wound
For why should this contradiction have power over you?
Let it not control you
let it not overcome
Bring it to the surface
Let It Be burned by the Sun
Refuse to host this evil sort
Banish those mutants of creation relieve yourself of the embodiment of demons and bring light into your mind bring purpose into your being refuse to be overcome by inadequacies refuse to be overcome by insecurities pleasure yourself in knowing you are enough.
The mind is a spring
The soul is a well
fill thy self
with what is real
Exhausted and so over
this thing that we call life
living in a body
constant battle
constant strife

and I know the rules
I have played this game.
Try to convince me
ever day is not the same.

It crashes down like hot summer rain.
I think about the happiness
I try to numb the pain.  

I try to move through my life
like every day is not the same.
Seams so sacred
Till you rip them open
then inside
You've exposed them
rotten sutures
thread destroyed

Silly ideas
You thought
and you toyed

Never work out
You thought and  employed
a thousand wrong examples
To explain the right idea.

A million wrong translations
For a single right idea.

Love your fellow as you would yourself.
A grave stone shaped like a couch
I assume they chose it for a reason.
So I sat.

I didnt know them, most of these graves so old
no one to visit any more any way.

I was higher than normal and needed a place to be.

It wasn't as lonely as it seemed either
surely not as lonely as the corpses below
with their best sunday dresses
and suits for church.
watch from a lover
ring for god.
what ever.

I wonder if they were happy i was there...
if they were angry?

I wanted to dig up their bones but instead i sat on the grave stone.

It was shaped like a couch
and I assume they chose that for a reason.
so I sat.

Under the canopy of a beautiful tree
staring into the blue
feeling judged by driver bys,

Of course I know whose burried here,
its my great great great uncle aunt nephew.

Like they even care.
But still I feel like i could get introuble.

The grave stone was shaped like a couch
i assume they chose it for a reason.
So i sat.
Oh
Oh
I'm trying to refrain
From disguising all those things
That always bring on pain and shame

I'm trying to refrain.
Why do I see another world in the faces of the people I love most
Why does their pores separate into hyrogliphic symbols and shades of light shining from under a sheet of glass.
This body is not you my brother.
I'm sorry, but the person you've called has not set up a voice mail, good bye......
I'm sorry, but the person you've called has not set up a voice mail, good bye......
I'm sorry, but the person you've called has not set up a voice mail, good bye......
I'm sorry, but the person you've called has not set up a voice mail, good bye......


Why are you sorry?
Geometrically eternal
Like a thousand spinning diamonds
Your fish bowl eyes are spiraling
You pisces jesus man.
And I see my imaginary friend
From all those years ago
In my husbands magnetic aura
And I feel a bit like the time travelers wife
As if gods been loving me from the start
I wanted to grow up and marry the clouds and falling rain
Because they new my name
And they looked at me like I was something
To see.
Measure me flour
And forty feet tall
Wealthy and power
Willing to fall
To a further failure
Crawl and then walk.
To a time beyond
A thought that could talk.
Cater to the charms of sand stocked lots
waiting for the wind to blow away the dust
and reveal a subtle beauty in the rock.

I tried to help but i think i'm lost

and lonely in a greater way
than some one with out some one

I guess you could say...

I had a great revelation
a feeling, a sway
and in this realization
God took you away

he said I'd never know you, never known you

and I think he was right

I can see your face by the sun and its light

But I cant hear your thoughts,

or at least i'm not sure

and I cant live your brain
and I cant endure

all the separate
all the gaining mature


I cant know you, and i cant be for sure

of what you are thinking, and what you think and who you are

Like what are you thinking are you close or are you far
what are you thinking, Ill never hear those thoughts
and it drives me insane and I feel very lost
Tone deaf
Emotionally
Your infliction
Doesn't sway those
With out conscious.
And your manipulation
Doesn't sway those
With higher conscious.
Those lesser fools
Bringing cry to the feast
Who complain of their feet
Being sore on the eve
Yet they walked on them?

Beware of those who have more
Tragedy than you
At every corner
And watch how their stories of pain
Quickly become lies to refrain
Any sort of giving out of their way.

They must receive
And if you can't please
You are as needless as needs.

Don't fear desolation
It comes in waves.
The word mother echos in my head
For a beating heart that is now dead
Calls for me from behind psyche walls
Digs into my heart with unborn claws.

Suckles on my love, like it would a breast
Diving in my brain making a nest.
Draining me of energy, happy and smiles
Making me feel that I've murdered my child.

In my brain this little one lives
Totally real and manifested
I think alot of who she would be
What do i know, it could've been a he.

Its tiring now to think of love
When something I created has been sent above.
It's hard to look very far at my future
With this wound wide, needing sutures.

Its like I want a second chance
at being a mother
But I'm scared i would only
Smother

The responsibility would be to much to handle
But each night i hold up a lit candle
Praying to take my little one to heaven.
Since in the womb, she only made it to week 7.

I was told, you know, look its just cells
But when i saw it my heart fell.
I tiny baby just so small
Little fingers made my skin crawl.
Little arms and dotted eyes
I wonder if her soul cries.
I nurture my disease in the corner of my mind
Bruised lids appreciate sight
More
Suffering for my enlightenment
I wonder how it would feel
Just to lay down on a hot bed of coals
Slow burn with the soul
Can I rush myself into coma
Be pleased with the empathy that comes from my heart for my self
And the guilt my mind carries
For my body.
Wishing you the best in life , Fair tragedy
Fair loving stake , Fair breathing down your neck... Wishing you the most in life
The most in love, The most In your head.

Wishing you were closer than Arms distance away.
Wishing you were just inside me
Melted into my brain.
Why are you another being
I feel that we aren't so whole.
Two parts having been shredded
And now, These fleshen fleeces coverin my bones
And holding my mind with In it so lyingly.
I want your conscious to hold my conscious
I will be the subconscious
If that is what it takes
I will be the shrouded secretes
And you can be awake.
Just let me in
You read he beget he beget
I see thought beget thought begat
When God spoke and so he created
Then thought is so much more
And the word of God was not written
But turned in to stars and moons and men.
The waking
the faking
the silently ******

the stopping
the lost things
the what you want the most things.

My mind moves
my thoughts feel
my body lives
but its not real

not my reality
this pumping blood
thats a being of its own.

My mind moves my thoughts feel
reality is an illusion
mind is all thats real.
Madly swinging arthritic swollen
Madly swinging arthritic swollen
Arthritic-ally swollen Madly swinging
Fists, fists, fists.

She hit me, and it hurt.
My mother, my friend.
You'd have me burnt.
She hit me, again
Bruises on my pain.

She hit me,

I hate you halley layne.

She hit me.

Life is never fair
Mommy doesn't care
Learn to hate yourself girl.
Learn to love your suffer.

She never wanted me
she never wanted
she never respected me
memories haunted.
She never wanted me!
She never wanted
She never loved on me
she never even wanted.

Madly swinging swollen
arthritic-ally beholden
Madly swinging swollen fists
your sick
your sick
your sick.
Your ***** failure came to visit
My schizophrenia recited it's coils
Thoughts of anxiety
And writhing in my own skin.
I wanted two different things.
For this to work, my love flow to you
And yours back to me
Uninhibited
That free flowing connection I seem to have with so many people.  
Because I am strong and loving and patient.
But your ***** failure came to visit
And it brought revelation
In such a narrow minded translation
And you both preached of death
And evil
And releasing all suffering
Once the body stops beating.

I tried to show my rhythmic patterns
I wound up all my music boxes.
I said I thought we should appreciate
Each moment we are breathing.  

You both seemed offended.

I waited for you by the window
Wanting hard for you to stay
But when you both walked in the door
It was clear we were not the same.

We never were.
My mother, and then the grand
The lineage of my ancestory.
But how am I so different
From anything you'll ever be.

Wrapped to tightly in bible paper
And the law of the land.
Fantasizing about the day you die
So you can be with God

And you tried to tell me bad news
And I told you i already knew
I was not effected by the chaos
But you had more speech to ensue
And you spewed
Oh you spewed
Of every terribly saddening thing.
And I laughed out loud at your struggle
At your death mind writhing.  
And you looked to me as if I were trouble
Laughing at tragedy.
But I responded to you gently
With every body dies
And you went back to your speech
Of how only the good rise.

Aren't we all just holding so tightly
to these bodies
that we pray for an after life
I'm learning to appreciate
the life that I was given
And to trust that I've already risen
From the compounds of pleasure
And the lust from your wombs
And In the end
We will all have our tombs.
My grandmother. A spiritual warrior who was gifted so intensely with psychedelic and energetic experience yet with in the confines of modern Christianity and jehova witness ship she found her self stifling the very thing which was trying to born itself with in her. Never have I met a person so close to the truth yet miles away... and my mother, a self proclaimed satanist, ex ****** /****** **** Christian
Who has played all the roles mythology has to offer.

Then Comes me.
What do I have to offer?
Take it from me,
I was never a hero
Its easy to see
its not very clear though.

According to history
my experience has been blistery
I'm not complaining
But this life has been fierce to me.
Skinny teeth
You chomp away
and Skinny heart
You pump all day

Skinny eyes you lie and lie
Skinny eyes You die and die

I want you to shake me
My core is begging
For you to take me
Down hill sledding
You want to play with my
water and ice
you want to play with my
glitter and rice

I let you
There there angel face dont cry
I'll move away from the wound
You can lick it by yourself
Ill just watch you

There there
Queen of the ******
You Lovely women
who love your man
You have me driven
you have me band
I am not sorry.


There there
little girl
you squirm
I am you father,
daughter never learn
There there
little child
don't move
I want to see
whats inside you.

You grow like a wild flower
In the middle of spring
You grow with love and Power
Nothing left to give me

I see you there, child, innocent
I see you clear, My lover,

Increments
of Gold,
and mercury
surround you

Dare not old

Age, let if find you

Wither with me
into age
Fade with me
Fade away

Into finality infinitely

We move into

Infinitely
we move into old age
I have slipped of tongue in mouth
and spoke of things that have caused doubt
And spoke of anger in trying ways
I've held to sentences for to many days
Peace had never found rest in my mind, or in my spine
I have held to strongly to every thing I've ever known
Because we all want memories when were old,
I know I know, the time it shows.
My past is but a story I tell day after day
Reliving old patterns and feelings in a stagnant way
I've claimed these moments my kingdom
And depression is my throne
And when you peel my skin back
The memories will be present in my bones.
One last note before i go
One last word to speak
On last Thought which you must know
One more smell to wreak

One more impulse I follow out
One more failure to observe
One more Reason for me to pout
One more learning curve.

One last thing, to say good bye
On last adventure for us
On last kiss between you and I
One last breeze to gust.
One
One
Lately hes stopped talking
giving in to that silence
but me being the moon
I can only give into violence.

My father, my Sun
the maker of my one.

His silence is shattering my ever growing world
and the destruction thats coming from me being a girl.
I love them I love them I only want more.

My children My Victims
this ever growing *****.

My mother my keeper, my love undying soul.
I wanted to keep her but this hole is growing old.

Yes the whole is growing old
and falling all apart
its getting very close
to having to restart.

Its aging imperfect
its falling all apart
its time again
to born a new heart.
Ever law of nature, every force of action
All for your pleasure, at least in some sort of fashion
Your ceaselessness entertains me, the thought of you not knowing.
Although the reality pains me, your lost in all this throwing.
I wish i could help you  breathe, pull the air into your lungs
Feel your anger seeth,  or your heart beat flung.
I sometimes feel like a leech
On the groin of a god
Forgetting what I'm here for
For something else.
Finding sustenance
In consumation
Losing track of giving
Falling into taking
Like some pleasure driven beast
I try to hold my apples
Within my chalice
I try to open my highways
Of transcendence
And ride the mental bliss toward wholeness of two
But this body cries
For seizure rapidity
And composer to fall down the drain.
And I struggle to be more than a worm.
Curious nature the most of that being.
Curious behaviour which I seem to be seeing
But nothing compares to what's under their hair.
You see nothing, only pretend you do.
You see the flower not the molecule.
I get angry and my eyes widen
I scream  a scream of angst
of anguish of frustration
It rips through the cords
leaving them hanging in suspense.

I scare you and I can tell.

Big man.

39,
you stand tall

You have a voice of your own

You use.

and then you hear my rage and
you shudder.

Good, You know I am just as real
as you.
My leaves have all been picked this year.
My blooms, the petals gone.
My truth has all been covered in fear
I am desperately awaiting the dawn.
Losing touch is easy, fading out is quick
Eyes which glowed once, will soon turn grey and sick.
Excelleration will slowly slow, motions comes to stop
No vision of where to go , so your body begins to drop.
Death is such a progressive thing, a sinking in of presence
Sometimes I find it filling me, A quite uncomfortable essence.
How often have I given myself to death. How often have I called it.
How often have I begged for it, to confront my issues and solve it.
Who is death and what is it... Why do I feel it, even though I am alive.
How can something living, COmprehend death... Why do I know what dying is like.
Why do I want to die?
I see winter coming, and Know deep in my bones, I haven't gathered enough resources to make it on my own. And death will make it so, that I do not suffer long.
Sand polished from the bones of so many came to past
are we not aware of the horrible implication
that the dust we walk on is the lives of those lived before us?

From the time things were oh so small
where bacteria died and built up in  space.
where rotten flesh of so many
turned life for so many.

dust to dust

do you understand the implication

that to continue living, one must die.

to continue evolution one must sacrifice.
Save it for your self,
you will need all you can get
cause its true and its said
that we hang by our necks

Slow asphyxiation of the greater parts of us
Eaten from our insides by all others lust

Picking of the bones of a qualities we've grown
and all those we call friends....
will they be there when the great night ends
You see out line,
How long did it take you ?
To realize
you'll never know any one
how you'd like to think.

What makes us believe in truth,
when we couldn't speak the whole truths
of our minds.
is it because we know beneath all the
distracting chatter we expel
there is a truth
we try to hide.
Is it because as much as we all lie
we know we are lying
some where
deep inside..
the part of us who can accept us
who can accept others.
Is fighting,
for you
to just tell the truth.

We have put to much importance
on purity
for we hide our faults in shame
we say

this does not belong to me
this is ugly and i it wish not to be.

but that ugliness is truth....
We were destined to come alive
To be here together,
We were destine to collide
Becoming never ending pleasure...
and pain
They never stressed the latter quite enough

But I think i can understand....
what its like to relish every single terrible thing that has happened
because I know that its How you take your pain
that measures you happiness.
and I am yes I am yes I am
So terribly aching...
That my life yes my life yes my life
is an ****** in the making.
Five is moving out
In shades of blue
And opal waves
Of selflessness
And selfishness.

Fragments of what is capable
of being known.
Reflect a word
In glimpses of
Red green yellow

All feeling and thought
Feeling and thought

Then ensues chaos.

Oh spoken phrases mean so much
And tear so much.
They blow so much
Away.

I severed all the broken ends
With out my time
With a friend.

I am always right.
I am always right.

Sacred in being
Swaying in leaving.
And coming and circling away.

Your face is moving to and away
And back into my climate.  
Please stay in my climate
Longer than the day.
I'm longing set in strive
Toward that which is best
Not bringing ocean tides
Down on pigeon nests.
A thousand different details

Oh wed never get along.
Pain in every memory.
Nostalgia in every song
And for some reason
I'm aware
I don't know you
I don't care.
I can no longer write
what must come out now is feeling
No words just color, line and texture.
Pan
Pan
Disheveled he Gathered himself, seeping out of the pores of existence itself. Like static energy dripping from every thing you could see. The bed room wall subtly became a spinning circle and the dressers and art got swept up in it too.
Just spinning color and light at first, a flash of tentacles and a gleam of mucus.
Genitals and tongues bloomed from flowers in the center of his head as he changed shape vigorously and swiftly. Sometimes almost to fast to remember the image from before.
Until finally, the spiral stopped moving and there stood a hologram of all those people they told us of, expect he was one person.
He had half the face of jesus christ, and half the face of horus, he had goat hooves, and he clipped them together as he danced, rocking back and forth in his sphere. He Played the Guitar and a harmonica, and he yodeled the most beautiful song, about the one which he created, who went into panic and ran from him, oh he knew the story, as he watched it play over and over again only wanting to save her, but she was so feral and fearful running through the woods, trying to chase her would only scare her more.
So he sang by the edge of the forest, a song of his lost love, and as she ran through the trees the earth turned and did the season, and her body aged, and withered, and she was born again wailing in fear from the start....

But he sang, and he sang and he sang, hoping to stir her, to distract her from the forgetful panic she was trapped in,

until one day he started seeping through the walls
and she stopped in awe with all fear dissolved, suddenly enctranced by the strangeness of god.
He hates it when I talk about
The needle
I guess He's just a little insecure.
I guess he's thinking I am
Feeble
That I will surely fall back into
Its lure.
He hates it when I talk about
Shooting up
Cause he thinks its the only thing
I love.
He gets sick to his stomach when he
Sees me smile
Tries to keep me quiet a while.
He says "i dont think you should romanticize that"
I don't think that I am
he fears one day I will leave him for that
But dont think that I can.

See my husband gets real uncomfortable when I talk about the needle.
Cause he has seen me there before.
And many other people... he has seen much more.
But i guess I understand his feelings, and his fears.
He couldn't stand to lose me, So when i speak of the needle
He sheds tears.
I calculate your looks and sighs
into equations full
of paranoid lies.
You glance away
in mid "say say"
and I could feel you leave.
You speak like an old man who thinks he is a child...

Or you speak like a child who thinks he is an old man.

What ever you speak, I see it laced with confusion.

You know nothing of Love and hate. Give and Take

and the beautiful Fusion.

You know nothing about any one else
You live from your mind,
from behind your eyes.
But I see through you, and
I see through them.

I see through her eyes, and I see through him.

You play a role, while I play many.

You want control , but your body is thinning.

You think your on a roll but selfishness is winning.

You think you know, but in that, you are sinning.

You scoff at religion, you think you see through it.

I see into the words of many men past us by

And i can hear their voices in the stories
and I can hear thier cries.

and The difference between me and you

is I know why.
and you can't wait to die.

I will cry for those less fortunate
and you think because they lose you thrive.

WOn't you just ask yourself.

why.
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