I tried explaining you to someone

But I can't describe a smile July sunsets will never touch
I can't illustrate my enthusiasm no longer belongs to me, it's been stolen

By the way, the best thieves wear high heels

I tried explaining you to someone

So I told them the 8th wonder of the world lives in a midwest town with caramel skin and smells like wonderland
I told them there's a petition to put your name in the dictionary because you're the only girl with oceans for eyes
I told them I would thank you for educating me about the past tense of love and teaching me the most important three words:

Everything
Is
Temporary

I just thought we could be the exception

And I heard if you stare at anything enough it loses its perfection but they've never seen you in a sun dress

I tried explaining you to someone

I told them look for the girl with necklaces made from hearts and worn like trophies
I told them imagine the most fantastic storm with electricity and heat and wonderful chaos

I tried explaining you to someone

Sometimes I forget
The abuse.
Sometimes even the
Pain begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Knocking on my door at 9.45
On a Saturday night
Isn't normal
When I haven't seen you in 3 years.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear flows through my veins.
and i turn the TV up
and I pretend I can't hear you
and I cry silently.

Sometimes I think that I can
Move on.
Sometimes the barrier
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Parking outside my school
For a week
Isn't normal
When you don't even know my age.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my escape plan is ready
and I won't walk alone
and I try to hide in the crowd.

Sometimes I think you've
Finally died.
Sometimes the fear
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Offering holidays just to me
And not your other daughter
Isn't normal
When we both chose to leave your life.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my head is spinning
and I change my number
and I block you.

Sometimes the PTSD
Is gone.
Sometimes my childhood
Is rescued.
But then I remember-
A 30 mile bike ride
With no food or water
Isn't normal
When you're only 10 years old.

*and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and the insomnia takes hold
and I can't open my front door
and if you could get in you would.

kiss has been the turn
the twist
upon
the folding over of roses

over roses

into.

you're so dying–i love how beautifully it,
where your skin is
i love(i wonder
how
        
it folds .i wonder
is there room
amongst

your dying and folding skin

for me to live;

to lovedie
between such,
breath so?

i wonder)

I think the thing is we inspire danger
Within one another
We’ve realized the falsity of fear
And found instead it was always a choice
And now we’ve chosen to forgo it
To embrace danger as easily
As we embrace one another
This is a beautiful thing to find in another person
So that when the skies fall
And the armies invade our city
When the streets run so rampant with violence
That the government outlaws touching
We won’t be afraid to stand in the streets
To hold each other in chaos
To kiss each other where we need it.

a doctor once told me I had a cracked spine
and it all made sense because
I always seemed to fall in your direction.

but maybe I'm not afraid of heights
our falling from them
just the noise my heart makes when it hits the ground.

I need a new endoskeleton
to keep my heart from getting punctured
or maybe my current one is just tired of the bruises.

you want to know how I got these scars?
I ripped every memory of you out of my heart
and out of my mind and sacrificed them
to the part of me every time you
come into my vision screams "move on".

just when I started to get over you
I saw your face again and realized:
I will never be able to be just friends with you.

when the space between us went from
the gap between my fingers
to the distance from here to the MilkyWay
I told myself:
fire and water don't mix,
but when they love, they love passionately.

but unfortunately,
my local supermarket doesn't sell a band aid
able to fix a heart.
and my mother never taught me how to sew.

but tell me I'm not crazy when you were the one
who taught me to be thankful when my lungs filled with air.
how can it be a crime to come home late
from wondering what it would be like to wake up next to you everyday?

and I had a front row seat to watch
you give her everything I once gave you.
and with every syllable,
I swallow yet another piece of my heart.
but I do not complain.
for what good is art if it is not shared?

loving you was self-destruction.
I treated you as if you were the sun
and I were the flowers; I needed you.
But I guess the sun doesn't need the flowers
as much as the flowers need the sun.

but you were always my biggest muse.

(s.j.b.)