the ritual is like a dance foreshadowed by the first rush;
a smooth and soothing building block
characterizing my indulgence.
the room brightens and colorful shafts of light
surround my television in waves of heat.

for my addiction, i'd run a thousand miles
my addiction was very versatile;
sometimes found in a vial,
most of the times, juvenial
ALWAYS considered a lifestyle

I fell in love with a feeling that would never last
My brain consumed Dopamine
On a straight track

I was satisfied with the feeling of
Living in the sky
But I became terrified
I didn’t want to die

Everything turned dark
All in one night
I went to heaven and back

Until I find somebody
To keep me comfortable
I’ll keep on using oxy

i did anything to have you,
without you i wasn't the same,
routine tasks became hard without you and your influence.
every insecurity i had was flushed out through a tingling feeling that started at my fingertips and traveled through my whole body.
i sat in silence, submerging myself in pure euphoria.
i'd leave everything behind just to have a tiny taste of your bliss back in my life.
just one more time,
oxycodone.

the search for purity clung onto the tingling feeling,
sinking deeper inside me with every breath.
the depthless feelings foreshadowed peace and relaxation,
it glided down my skin in clumps of electromagnetic waves.
the warmness that i never received as a child made its way to my furniture and onto me,
the heat made me feel complete and resided in me externally and internally.
a sense of security rushed over me, i believed i would feel this warm competence forever.
the overabundance of warm matter guided me to a place of purity.
every ache i had was flushed out in one long heat-wave throughout my whole body,
i finally found purity.

don't cry at my funeral
i had choices to make
i made the wrong ones
i only lived for the next high
when you took that away
i died
overdosed

You’re high
Again in the public eye,
It makes me upset  
That we never see eye-to-eye.
I ask why you do the things you do,
“It’s only to get by.”
You don’t have an alibi
This is the last time I’ll comply.
Only one more hit
Then you need to say goodbye,
“Maybe in July,” you say.
I’m worried though,
I pray you won’t die.
But I know that’s a lie
You’ll just keep getting high.
You can’t justify, please don’t stop by
Last time was the last and I mean it,
I don’t need you to clarify.
“Hailey don’t leave me high and dry,”
Famous last words
“Hailey please don’t turn a blind eye.”
I wish you the best,
I’m sorry I couldn’t satisfy.
You’ll still be the apple of my eye.

it's foggy outside but my thoughts are so clear.
when i swallow pills my words melt and troubles disappear.
i forget that i'm failing this class for just one moment.
just one moment and everything is okay.

I listened to you at first,
Believing you had my best interest.
In the beginning, before the worst,
You needed a friend.
I was that friend and you rehearsed
The same apology, the same sorry.
I forgave you and jumped back in headfirst.
You said you’d stop
If worse came to worst.
I was scared to admit I enjoyed your company,
Even if your attention was coerced.
No one second guessed our relationship,
Even at the worst.
I loved you,
Even with your outbursts.

it's 5:51 am
i haven't slept in 3 days
im wired.
methamphetamine

it was like an awkward handshake when i met k for the first time
in the movies we indulged in
characters stopped becoming characters and instead
became actors.
light came in through the windows
halfway opened every morning
in my mansion that sat on top of a hill where i indulged again
ketamine 310mg
sherlock holmes woke me up sprawled out on my sofa in my third living room
examining my crushed veins
no longer virgins
i felt guilty but the heat waves running through my intestines guided me into a feeling of eternity
foreshadowed by external light
i felt complete bliss and unity
inside my hands held the key to the universal pull.
i believe i made decisions that night that are rooted in my subconscious for my future
i was struggling to make these decisions on my own
but i wasn’t on my own
and i never will be again,
because i’ve fallen in love.

Drake
Overlooked the habits that foreshadowed his demise.
A couple ounces of coke
Here and there,
Even if it made him broke
And almost gave him a stroke.
He said
“Take a joke,”
It wasn’t a joke.
“You’re doing coke.”
My friend Drake overdosed.

the unpleasant feeling throughout my body
foreshadowed by the aches i would later feel
i need something more to function normally
methamphetamine
i just want to be pure

my dentist said i have cavities
i'm proud of them.
my dentist begged me to stop
i can't go a day without skittles
addiction

It was like an awkward handshake
When I met him for the first time.
Others urged me to take a break
But I just indulged more, a lot more,
Give or take.
He didn’t seem genuine until he smiled.
The smile arrived by mistake,
It hit me in waves of heat that soaked in my veins,
Suddenly my life was at stake.
This wasn’t a nightmare,
I was in love, for heaven's sake.
Tiger Morphine is what we called him.
Sometimes tar, smack, or even heartbreak.
******