I didn’t eat last night
It was hours since the last time I had ate
I don’t know why I wasn’t hungry
I felt more sick then hungry
A couple hours later I went upstairs
I do what I gotta do in the bathroom
Then I go to bed
I hop in bed, get under the sheets, and close my eyes
My eyes open
I can’t sleep
My on my bed laying in the dark
Since I was up I went to the bathroom cause I still felt sick
This one I felt like my throat was closing
I go back upstairs when I’m and I turn on the light to see if I could sleep better
Looked at the time
I close my eyes
Wake up an hour later
I feel sweat coming down my face
I touched my forehead no sweat was there
I wiped my face and there was sweat
My eyes itches
I rub my eyes and their wet
I freak out I go to the mirror and I look at myself
I’m breathing hard
I look and the mirror and my eyes are red
I was crying
Why?
I had a nightmare
I realized that I’m crying, breathing hard, feel like my throat felt like it was closing
I was having an anxiety attack
Everything felt like it was falling apart
It was
Everything
And I couldn’t control it.

I am a woman who wants another woman
But just because I want a woman doesn’t mean I want just any woman
I want a woman who knows what it’s like to be in a war
I want a woman who is no stranger to pain
I want a woman who knows how it feels to be trapped in her own mind
I want a woman who knows how to keep a smile whenever she is down
I want a woman who knows how to open up to me when she can’t smile
I want her to know that I will be there when she needs me the most
I will be there when she needs help fighting her wars
I will be there when she gets cold at night
I will be the one who will wipe her tears in the middle of the night cause she is scared

I want a woman who has a strong opinion
I want a woman who is hard to get
I want a woman who is a boss
I want a woman who can pick herself up
I want her to be strong
I want her to be tough
I want her to have a voice
I want her to be happy
I want her to respect me so I can respect her
I want a woman who knows what love is
I want a woman who wants to know what true love is because
I don’t

Dear My Future Wife
I don’t know what true love is
But when I see you I’ll know
I want to walk though life with you and only you
I will respect
Love
Trust you
And have faith in us
If you do the same for me
Future Wife
I love you.

“I need something to take the pain away”

I need something to take the pain away
Not drugs, not alcohol
Something addictive but not deadly
Something that won’t break it’s promise
Something I can run to
Something that will protect me
Something that can teach me
Something that can change me

Something that will love me for who I am
What I’ve done
What I’ve said
What I’ve thought
Who I’ve hurt
The promises I’ve broken
The pain I’ve given to others

Something that can see the pain I feel
The tears I’ve hidden
The thoughts that I think
The anger I’ve felt
The words I’ve said to myself
The words I’ve written in paper
The sleepless nights
The walls I built
The cages I’ve locked
The endless flashbacks
The secrets I keep

I need something that understands the reasons why
I wake up feeling emotionless
I wake up feeling emotional
Feeling angry
Feeling sad
Feeling like a disappointment
Feeling like a waste of space
Energy
And love
Why I don’t feel loved

Why
Why do I feel anger
Sadness
Why do I get anxiety
Why I lock myself in my room and cry
Why I like sitting in the dark killing myself with my own thoughts

I need something.......... or someone that will be there for me and love me. That won’t betray me, that will forgive me. That will make me feel strong. Something  can grow with.

Or someone.