'Thats true self harm' she said
proud and self announced
like she could comprehend the universe
and that it left her no challenges

that in her 50 years, she had learnt all people
all feelings
all possibilities
and could now group us all like colours in a jar

i left, because it hurt
to think that after everything i go through to explain
the simpleness of 'some people'
discounts all the effort

there is no wrong and right way to hurt yourself
there is only a future
which we endeavour to make hurt less

Dripping, dissolving in the downpour
Static in your hair
Shivers in my teeth
And rain
Drip
Drip
Dripping down the bridge of my nose.

I'm cold, but your smile
Broad and shining
Keeps me warm.

I buckled like wood
Torn like a leaf
Devoured by frost

And it wept red tears
Sobbing down my legs
Endlessly crying until
In a moment of peace
I saw my sorry self

Do the trees still stand
In the pouring rain
Does the west wind sigh over grass and plain?

Do the rivers run
And the owls call
Do the mountains judge as they sit so tall?

Can the men still see
Do the women cry
When the blues and greens dance across the sky?

Will we ever know
How we all exist
In a world as vast and beautiful as this

You're a constant attraction
A shimmer in a magpies eye
You're a prize, to be revered and cherished.

I'd like to feel like it's not my fault to want you.
That it's not a defect
Or a flaw
Or something I feel compelled to hurt myself to accept.

I'm somewhere on that spectrum,
And I know how far along
And the idea of being an integer coordinate scares me.

You're soft, and smiling and captivating.
And I want to hold and kiss and touch
And unfold secrets
And cause smiles to blossom.

I've never had you so close, and I want you closer still.

So there shall be a story.
A girl who pined for love.
Stretched out her skin, a razor pen, and wrote each word in blood.
Each letter was deceitful,
and each stroke was a sin.
Just so she held a final breath, no longer could she win.

If I were a fisherman I'd cast my line aside.
And close my eyes,
and lay me down,
and trust me to the tide.

But I don't the have privilege to use pure natures will.
So, for now, I just shut down, and keep my feelings in.

Evenings used to be comforting,
Swaddled in the peachy sunset
Or laying out on the grass.

Sometimes, they were tempestuous
I would sit in the thunderstorms and cry
Until my soul felt poured out into the Earth.

Every night now I stare
At question papers,
studying
struggling
because my idea of complete satisfaction
Does not even slightly adhere to a commercial world's.

I know I'm good enough, and it's exhausting to keep proving it

Blemished is perfect
Covered is bare
Lips on her lips, and hands in her hair.

I live to speak and dream
And to have a lot of ***
To self observe, to criticise
The things that I know best

To run and jump and scream and cry
To make no noise at all
Listening, imagining,
To ******* and to crawl

What are the days, the things we say
Those on whom we depend
Our deepest lies, we summarise
To lovers and to friends

A heartbreak, an art work
A scowl or a smile
All tangled up, in everyday
I'll just watch for a while

Drunkeness and falling
Give that stomach tightening feeling
I miss it.
It's the lull I feed myself while my mind cycles
Scaring me, gaining strength
Like a snowball down a hill

I want the comfort of someone to hold
Slender and soft
In the way only a woman can be

I see my resolve like wax to fire.

I will be the phoenix from the ash.
I will not grant them my laboured breath in anxiety,
only pleasure.
You may have bruises, but only on my skin.
I smack
I choke.

Keep your hands off my heart.

Although I know that I would wear it like a black eye, shining, if only I had the belief.
Give me a something to chainmail my smile.
Only arrows can get in.
And only those with the intention to aim true

You are safe now
Home
So so safe
In his arms and I must admit
Although it took the best part of
forever

I finally let go when I heard
How happy you were.

You were always quick to laugh
But only with your mouth
That mouth.
Never your eyes.
Fathoming, plunging blue.

You smiled.
Your heart smiled.
And I let you go.

In my complacency and distraction
I over indulged
Allowed myself too much of the things the make me happy
And spiralled out of control

As a human
A system
Built on balance and order
I tilted
Tipped the scales
And my self punishment
Will endeavour to fix me again

You showed me a photo,
me, in a sacred moment
Off guard
Vulnerable
Beautiful

And I protested.
But you smiled your secret smile, and I crumbled
That smile eroding me
Shattering resolve and penetrating pretence

Will you remember me?
Will you remember me from that moment?

I look wretched when I smile
With a curled up face
Bagged eyes
A hollowness of soul

When I laugh, my skin melts
And inside
Shines the euphoria that I cannot
Just cannot
Force onto my face
For a photograph

Everytime we get pick and mix
I choose strawberry cables.
I know they were your favourite
At least, they were when I loved you

I make them last
Slowly teasing and *******
Gentle teeth and lips
Because I know I will never get to give that to you

Its almost silent
Laboured breathing
Sighing
And yet
From only minutes ago
Our mouths, bodies
Souls
Were a ripple of sound and motion.

We were so loud, so very perfect

Meant to be.

I feel sick to my stomach

As love crumbles
My own identity slipping
To self loathing and panic and hatred.

So, so broken
Shattered into to tiny pieces
That you lose in the carpet
And only find once stepped on.

There's too much finality in it all
I'm such a coward
I can't face up to it all
I can't

Numb of alcohol
Cigarettes
An early morning
Ambition


That's poetry enough to me

Take me back to July
When we curled up in bed and curled up in each other
When every second was precious and the future was bright
And the shine of our potential was nearly blinding
But I stared and I didn't care if it blinded me
Because I loved you

Now there is nothing left
And I'm fighting to feel something again
And our future is foggy and cold
And dead
And I can't love you any more

Take me back to July.

I needed to speak
But you closed my mouth
With that look
And so I choked
Eyes filling
Breath catching
And said it didn't matter

Nothing mattered more

Giving up sounds more beautiful the harder you push it
Like a cream cake in a window
Or staying out too late with the one you love

A cushion to sleep on, on fathers armchair
Second helpings

Nothing is helping

One day when I'm angled and slight
We can stay up, drowning in starlight
Limbs left cold
Hearts left warm
Fragile,  wavering in a midnight storm

I don't know you, I just know me
I know what the spikes of the world can be
Know how the skies can sob
How you just give up
When it's far too thick to see

I just know words too blunt and cruel
Squashed and taken for a fool
Not enough
Never enough
Eyes left flat like a frozen pool

String me up, hold me up
Stop me from ever giving up
In your arms
Wrapped up warm
Wrapped up warm in wool