Take me back to July
When we curled up in bed and curled up in each other
When every second was precious and the future was bright
And the shine of our potential was nearly blinding
But I stared and I didn't care if it blinded me
Because I loved you
Now there is nothing left
And I'm fighting to feel something again
And our future is foggy and cold
And I can't love you any more
Take me back to July.
After three years, seven months and two weeks, my relationship is over because I don't love him anymore.
Everytime we get pick and mix
I choose strawberry cables.
I know they were your favourite
At least, they were when I loved you
I make them last
Slowly teasing and *******
Gentle teeth and lips
Because I know I will never get to give that to you
Feeling gay and missing you
You're a constant attraction
A shimmer in a magpies eye
You're a prize, to be revered and cherished.
I'd like to feel like it's not my fault to want you.
That it's not a defect
Or a flaw
Or something I feel compelled to hurt myself to accept.
I'm somewhere on that spectrum,
And I know how far along
And the idea of being an integer coordinate scares me.
You're soft, and smiling and captivating.
And I want to hold and kiss and touch
And unfold secrets
And cause smiles to blossom.
I've never had you so close, and I want you closer still.
Lots to think about, very little you can easily discuss with a boyfriend
I live to speak and dream
And to have a lot of ***
To self observe, to criticise
The things that I know best
To run and jump and scream and cry
To make no noise at all
To ******* and to crawl
What are the days, the things we say
Those on whom we depend
Our deepest lies, we summarise
To lovers and to friends
A heartbreak, an art work
A scowl or a smile
All tangled up, in everyday
I'll just watch for a while
What else is life but a tangle of consciousnesses?
I feel sick to my stomach
As love crumbles
My own identity slipping
To self loathing and panic and hatred.
So, so broken
Shattered into to tiny pieces
That you lose in the carpet
And only find once stepped on.
There's too much finality in it all
I'm such a coward
I can't face up to it all
Having such a rough few days, need someone to turn to
Numb of alcohol
An early morning
That's poetry enough to me
It's not truly pleasure
Until you know you're no longer pretending
In my complacency and distraction
I over indulged
Allowed myself too much of the things the make me happy
And spiralled out of control
As a human
Built on balance and order
Tipped the scales
And my self punishment
Will endeavour to fix me again
Drunkeness and falling
Give that stomach tightening feeling
I miss it.
It's the lull I feed myself while my mind cycles
Scaring me, gaining strength
Like a snowball down a hill
I want the comfort of someone to hold
Slender and soft
In the way only a woman can be
'Thats true self harm' she said
proud and self announced
like she could comprehend the universe
and that it left her no challenges
that in her 50 years, she had learnt all people
and could now group us all like colours in a jar
i left, because it hurt
to think that after everything i go through to explain
the simpleness of 'some people'
discounts all the effort
there is no wrong and right way to hurt yourself
there is only a future
which we endeavour to make hurt less
went to a friends house, only to hear a woman talking about what she thought constituted 'real' self harm, and what was attention seeking. ****** me off
Do the trees still stand
In the pouring rain
Does the west wind sigh over grass and plain?
Do the rivers run
And the owls call
Do the mountains judge as they sit so tall?
Can the men still see
Do the women cry
When the blues and greens dance across the sky?
Will we ever know
How we all exist
In a world as vast and beautiful as this
its late man
Giving up sounds more beautiful the harder you push it
Like a cream cake in a window
Or staying out too late with the one you love
A cushion to sleep on, on fathers armchair
Nothing is helping
Evenings used to be comforting,
Swaddled in the peachy sunset
Or laying out on the grass.
Sometimes, they were tempestuous
I would sit in the thunderstorms and cry
Until my soul felt poured out into the Earth.
Every night now I stare
At question papers,
because my idea of complete satisfaction
Does not even slightly adhere to a commercial world's.
I know I'm good enough, and it's exhausting to keep proving it
because revision and exams are such an uphill struggle when anxiety is trying to crush you every step of the way
One day when I'm angled and slight
We can stay up, drowning in starlight
Limbs left cold
Hearts left warm
Fragile, wavering in a midnight storm
I don't know you, I just know me
I know what the spikes of the world can be
Know how the skies can sob
How you just give up
When it's far too thick to see
I just know words too blunt and cruel
Squashed and taken for a fool
Eyes left flat like a frozen pool
String me up, hold me up
Stop me from ever giving up
In your arms
Wrapped up warm
Wrapped up warm in wool
I look wretched when I smile
With a curled up face
A hollowness of soul
When I laugh, my skin melts
Shines the euphoria that I cannot
Force onto my face
For a photograph
I buckled like wood
Torn like a leaf
Devoured by frost
And it wept red tears
Sobbing down my legs
Endlessly crying until
In a moment of peace
I saw my sorry self
I needed to speak
But you closed my mouth
With that look
And so I choked
And said it didn't matter
Nothing mattered more
You showed me a photo,
me, in a sacred moment
And I protested.
But you smiled your secret smile, and I crumbled
That smile eroding me
Shattering resolve and penetrating pretence
Will you remember me?
Will you remember me from that moment?
Dripping, dissolving in the downpour
Static in your hair
Shivers in my teeth
Dripping down the bridge of my nose.
I'm cold, but your smile
Broad and shining
Keeps me warm.
I see my resolve like wax to fire.
I will be the phoenix from the ash.
I will not grant them my laboured breath in anxiety,
You may have bruises, but only on my skin.
Keep your hands off my heart.
Although I know that I would wear it like a black eye, shining, if only I had the belief.
Give me a something to chainmail my smile.
Only arrows can get in.
And only those with the intention to aim true
Its almost silent
From only minutes ago
Our mouths, bodies
Were a ripple of sound and motion.
We were so loud, so very perfect
Meant to be.
You are safe now
So so safe
In his arms and I must admit
Although it took the best part of
I finally let go when I heard
How happy you were.
You were always quick to laugh
But only with your mouth
Never your eyes.
Fathoming, plunging blue.
Your heart smiled.
And I let you go.
Blemished is perfect
Covered is bare
Lips on her lips, and hands in her hair.
I loved a girl called Jess for 3 years, and she was so, so perfect
So there shall be a story.
A girl who pined for love.
Stretched out her skin, a razor pen, and wrote each word in blood.
Each letter was deceitful,
and each stroke was a sin.
Just so she held a final breath, no longer could she win.
If I were a fisherman I'd cast my line aside.
And close my eyes,
and lay me down,
and trust me to the tide.
But I don't the have privilege to use pure natures will.
So, for now, I just shut down, and keep my feelings in.
— The End —