if only you knew
how beautifully
you
destroyed
me

you see
i know myself
down to my deepest
darkest desire
in the heart of me
i am loathsome
an inherently selfish creature
i long for the pain
of love and disaster
wrecking those around me
i love the fire in my wounds
i don't know who i am
without them
ravaging the very lives
of those i love
is my calling card
i cannot help myself
i'm drawn
like a moth to flame
to the self inflicted torture
that i put myself through
blood and glorious ruin
what would i be
without the terrible
and awe inspiring
damage i inflicted?
gods i'm awesome
full of vengeance
heat
hatred
and burning anger
i'll trample
rip apart
and tear into this life
don't get in my way
if you value yourself
i'm great and terrible
and i'd rather not
see you become
collateral damage

let this water run over
my sensitive skin
leaving burning tracks
like so many tears
i am afraid

sometimes, when the world is quiet
and i'm left alone with my thoughts,
they turn to you.
those scars on my thighs are yours.
they mirror the ones you left on my heart.
i'm choking on your memories.
i'm drowning in regret.
the words you whispered against my skin
burn until i'm writhing,
silently begging for mercy.
why won't you leave me alone?

craving
warm hands
lips and teeth
hands pressed together
thighs tangled
fingers intertwined
breath mingled
backs arched
tongues tracing
tasting
biting
savoring
a pure joining
lustful
and raw
only feeling
no thought
whispered words
soft gasps
sweat slicked skin
heat
and fire
and want
desire
selfish and
slightly mad
until breathing slows
touches soften
kisses become tender
bodies
sated
satisfied
and delightfully
exhausted

darkness
can be tempting
i know
it's far too easy
to allow yourself to fall
deep into that chasm
but let the light reach you
don't let the dark night
trouble your tender heart
instead
allow the morning sun
to show you
the beauty in this world
in your own beating heart
and prove that all
is indeed
well

surrounded by people
family and friends
who love me
but i'm a shadow
hovering in corners
knitting my heart together
with a few strings of hope
they're fraying
coming undone
why am i broken?
my arms are tired from
holding my two halves
together
i'm so alone
i'm so alone

The word floods my veins,
Fills me with so many emotions.
Not one of them pleasant.

Regret -
For letting you into
My heart, my life.

Pain -
For each wound you
Left behind

Betrayal -
For all the lies you
Fed me
Which I so readily believed

Sorrow -
Because you let me go
Without a second thought

Anger -
For the time I wasted
The effect you
still have


You promised me so much
You promised me "always"
And followed through on
So little

Is it any wonder
The word makes me
Burn
Ache
Die just a little?

i am terrible and great
like the gods who rule
the seas
the skies
the dirt you walk upon
my power knows no bounds
i am limitless
and infinite
and one day you will realize
with shaking knees
and crumbling confidence
tha ti am the one in control
i, alone,
hold all the power
do not turn your face away
look at me
look at me
look here
see my strength
it is no thanks to you
it is my strength
mine alone
and thus, you see,
i am terrible and great
and you do not own me

my body is aching
and sore and tired
and shaky
full of knots and worry

i'm trying to be
solid and steady
and brave
full of fire and fierceness

but i am afraid
fear is sprouting out of every corner of my soul
it's filling me with vines
that threaten to choke the very life
out of me

i'm terrified my body will
turn against me
will become my enemy
change and transform
into an unrecognizable form

i will become the stuff of
nightmares
a weak, frail, brittle creature
with little energy
and no light in my eyes

i do not want to become that
weak creature
the person i am afraid of
please help me
god please help me

i shiver
my body shakes
with the ice that has
filled my veins
it's cold
very cold
this self doubt
and insecurity
i would be better off
exposed to the elements
the ones that howl and
shake and ice
everything over
than the ones inside my
chest and stomach
that chill me from the
inside out

heaviness settles across my shoulders
and i slow to a near standstill
i cannot help it
i am so very weary
tired down to the marrow in my bones
fighting this beast
the beast is me
but is not of my own creation
i am so very tired
allowing the blackness that is inside these veins
to bleed through the cracks of my
bravery and confidence
and contaminate everything in
and around me
stuck in the mire like a lost lamb
i have become what i hate
what i despise
a loathsome creature
with wants that far exceed my needs
wants that cause rifts
that push and pull me in a million directions
draw and quarter me
leave my head on a spike
to stop my destructive path and serve
as a reminder to all
that this monster i have become
foul and ugly
was not of my creation
and cannot be undone

i listen
my ears and heart
are always open
i comfort
i bind wounds
i make sure everyone
is feeling okay
safe
and at peace
i am a sounding board
for all who need me
but inside i am screaming
i am bloodied and bruised
fear fills me
anger and sorrow
blocking every vein
and setting my nerve endings
on fire
i just want to get this out of me
why can’t anyone hear me?
why doesn’t anyone hear me
screaming?

I dreamt about you
And oh!
How it hurt.
My heart could barely
Pump
When I finally woke up
And realized that
It missed you
More than I could ever speak.
You were clear as day,
Not at all hazy.
I remembered so much,
So quickly,
I felt my body couldn't contain it.
But worst of all
Was the acute sense of betrayal
I felt when I woke up.
It was as if my mind couldn't bear
To remember you
That clearly
For much longer
So forced me from my sleep
To remind me to
Be present
And move on.

But I still miss you.

i feel i'm too big for my skin
like i'm about to burst through
shred it to pieces
and leave it behind me
i'll float away
maybe somewhere nice
where no one has to be around me
and i can stop feeling
so confined and trapped by all
the blackness in my mind

i really can’t explain it
a sort of angry sense of being
cheated of something that isn't
and wasn’t
mine to begin with

so i’ll keep these seething feelings
inside where they’re boxed away
compartmentalized
i’ll grind my teeth with
the effort of ignoring the negativity that
threatens to drown me sometimes

because what good does it do
to be angry and upset
at someone who is not truly part of my life
and who does not understand
or see
the effect they have had on me

carefully carefully you
always held my heart
listening and teaching me
validating me
in time i became strong enough that
nothing could stop me

i feel antsy
reckless
on edge
like an itch i can't scratch
i'm unsure of what i want
but i know i want it bad
i'm desperate for a little relief
from this desire that i don't
understand
fierce and hot
desperate
running through me
veins on fire with need
someone quench
this flame

i want to feel
something
anything
please touch me
my hand
my shoulder
my throat
your fingers around it
bruised flesh
dark and light
clashing for anyone to see
i offer it to you
willingly
or
if nothing else
a knife blade agains
pale soft
skin
red spilling from my veins
it will make me feel
alive
and then i'll know
that this pain isn't
for nothing

do you ever feel yourself drowning
but you don't know what is pulling you under
only that you can't breathe
and your legs are kicking at the restraints
but nothing is happening

do you ever wake up with a lump in your throat
but no remembrance of how it got there or why
not even a hint of a dream to guide your thoughts
only the feeling that your heart is broken
and your lungs are collapsing

do you ever feel yourself slow down
body and mind stuck in a mire of subconscious thoughts
thoughts about your faults and weaknesses
the battles you've lost
and the bodies you've left behind

do you ever feel aches and pains in all your body
but no altercation to explain where the hurt comes from
aches in your shoulders and elbows even down to your toes
your hair follicles are sensitive and your lips are dry
skin that feels like a million pinpricks

today i am all of the above

my blackness is
oozing out through
my pores
visible though i try my
damnedest to hide it
it's showing my true colors
it's laying all my weakness
bare to your view
i'm terribly sorry
i'm not as advertised
i disappoint myself
so don't worry
if i disappoint you
i understand that i'm not
desirable
or typically wanted
my baggage is far too heavy
and i wouldn't wish that
on anyone
especially a perfectly lovely
gentle and kind
soul such as yours

anger blooms
hard and cold like ice
deep in my chest

my hands are shaking
my stomach is in knots

i am through
i am not your captive
nor your enemy
i am simply
done

your hatred tasted bitter
but i have tempered the taste
with the sweetness of release
and choice

my choice to leave

to stand up and say
no!
to say
i am more than you think,
more than you you deserve,
and more than you could love!

anger melts into
acceptance
and a pleasant comfort
in the decision i have made
or rather
the one you made for me

thank you
for making this easy
thank you
for making this clear

i am simply
done.

there's an emptiness in my chest
that cannot be filled
i've know
i've tried

i've filled it with liquor
with empty promises
with kisses that meant nothing

i've filled it with images of lovers
with new things
with anger and hate

i've filled it with touches from others
with memories
with temporary distractions

each has fallen away
slipped through the gap
and left me
wanting
and needing more

at times the hole has grown
others it has shrunk
but still it stays
day in and night out
leaving me feeling
uncomfortable in my own skin

so i will continue to work
to search and to test
to find something that will
finally make me whole

I want experiences I shouldn't,
Can't,
Have.

I want someone I shouldn't,
Can't,
Want.

I'm weak.
So very weak.
My cravings threaten to tear me up.
They tell me I'm not enough
Without her.
That I will be empty
If I do not
Kiss
Touch
Taste
Her.

So I will be empty.

You are scared
I know
Your hands shake
Your eyes close
Your shoulders tense
As you worry yourself
Sick
Over doubts
And insecurities
Old wounds
And a past
That haunts you

But allow me
If you will
To take those fears
And cast them
So far away
Into the dark night
I will hold
You close
Inside of my heart
Forget your past
And look forward
With me

there's a buzzing in my head
right between my ears
it's white noise
terror and stress and anxiety
a snowstorm of emotion
bubbling over as i wait
patiently
(not so patiently)
for my life to move on
will i?
won't i?
am i
okay?
it's running down my spine now
placing knots here and there
making my neck tight
and my back rigid
into my stomach it carries on
more knots now
i'm a tangled mess of
negativity
i'm trying
(i'm failing)
five more days
just five more days
then i'll know
five more days
of sleeplessness
of troubled thoughts
of what ifs
and if onlys
and should haves
is my body going to turn against me?
have i made it my enemy?
will i become the very thing i fear:
black
and cancerous
and full of anger and regret?
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
my new mantra
whispered over and over in the dark of my mind
i do not want this

here's a big *******
to all the people who made me this way
who made me feel i am
hard to love
who made me feel like i am not enough
who made me feel insecure in their love
who made me beg and cry
and suffer through their silences
while i tortured myself over
what i'd possibly done to deserve it
who said i was too sensitive
and needed to make myself happy
because they couldn't be bothered to
ensure that i was safe and comfortable
with them
who put themselves first
and me last

and here's the biggest *******
to myself
for allowing any of this
and not seeing the forest for the trees
i deserved better
i deserved more
and now i'm haunted by these memories
because i can't make myself
believe that i am deserving

your hands wrapped around mine
fingers tangled
hips bruised
the taste of sweat on your throat
and along your thighs
you're magnificence personified
with your golden skin
and nighttime hair
each taste of you sends me
reeling
into my heaven
i love you

your hands wrapped around mine
words smeared
lies told
the taste of blind belief in my mouth
and in the words i swallow
you're deceit personified
with your innocent face
and your easy lies
each line you speak sends me
hopeful
into my dreams
i believe you

your hands wrapped around mine
heart beating
lungs bruised
the taste of pennies in my mouth
and on my thigh
you're betrayal personified
with your flashing eyes
and your hateful mouth
each word you say sends me
scrambling
into my corner
i hate you

That wrinkle in your brow

Let me smooth it

And put my arms around your

Tensed body

Give me that heavy weight

From your hunched shoulders
So I may make your journey

Perhaps a little easier 

As you navigate the rocky path ahead.

The hollow part in your heart

I will fill it
With kind words and

Reminders of who you truly are.

While my presence might never

Replace what was there 

Maybe it will help to 

Patch the raw parts that plague you.

Allow me to hold you up

If you should need support from 

Someone whose legs are just

A touch stronger 

When you feel you have nothing left.

Those tears that sting your eyes

Let them come

But remember they are temporary

And that I will never 

Shame you for entertaining the ache they soothe.

You are gold

Fire and strength

But even gold must be melted

And molded into

Something more beautiful

Than it was before.

So let me hold your heart 

Tender and a little damaged

But precious 

And priceless

Until you are once again

Unbroken.

There's a heaviness
In taking responsibility
For something that you know
Truly isn't your fault
But feeling it is anyway.
Like your soul knows you are blameless
But your brain tells you how
What happened was a direct result
Of something you did,
Even unintentionally.
And all that heaviness pushes and pushes,
Leaving no space to breath,
Only enough room for the knots
In your stomach
And the pain in your chest
To choke out any chance that you may have had
Of feeling innocent
And, instead,
Leaves you feeling less than worthy.

don't let me push you away
i will try
heaven knows i will try
i'm scared
my heart is fragile
and i'm full of distrust
but don't let me
hold my hands
kiss my cheek
and i will stay by your side

the ache of goodbye
does it ever truly leave?
like a paper cut that won't heal properly
itchy and red and sore
and always distracting me
just a little
i've bandaged this wound
over and over again
but it won't go away
it won't close up and i'm afraid
that i'll have to live with your ghost
forever

darling
no need to whisper
no need to shout
just speak
speak to me
i hear you
those words that pour from
trembling lips
or grind out from
between clenched teeth
that ring with laughter or
crack with pain
i hear you
silent words spoken only by the heart
the ones you say as you sleep
muscles flexing and fingers curled
against a fair cheek
the ones you howl at heaven
in a prayer
or a curse
begging for understanding
i hear you
when you kneel in pain and anguish
pouring your heart out to a god
who sometimes seems far far away
i hear you

i know you

the small slight smile that
crosses your face when you
talk about things and people
and places you love

i know you

those delicate hands
and fingers that twist in
anxious knots when
you doubt yourself

i know you

the heart that pumps
heard and loud in your chest
large enough to fill the world
but oh, so tender

i know you

the glint of sad in shell blue eyes
when you talk about yourself
as if you don't see how
anyone could love you

i know you

the low timbre of a voice that
occasionally shakes with anger
softens with tears and
grows bold with laughter

i know you

the very soul that speaks my name
so quiet and reverent
as if i am a gift to you
when, really, you are the gift

i know you

forged before the earth existed
a friendship as old as time itself
destined to outlive stars and galaxies
and entire universes

i know you

and i knowing you
i have begun to know myself

my whole body is practically humming
relief flooding my veins
a heart that is light
for once
in a very long time
thank you god
for being so good to me
thank you body
for fighting so hard to keep me alive
life is precious
and never more so than when you realize
just how easily
it can slip through your fingers
each thud of my heart
each rise of my chest
the legs that propel me
and the arms that carry heavy burdens
this brain
the one i curse so often
they do their best
and it's time i recognize the hard work it does
and love myself for all my faults
and weaknesses

i feel sick and hateful
for all the damage i've caused
without meaning to
but i will admit
that the deeper parts of my soul
desire things i can never have
and perhaps that is where
the endless destruction
i have wrought
comes from

i'll dim my light for you
i'm too tired to fight anymore
excuse me while i douse this fire
and allow you your time to shine

sink your teeth into that vein
the one right there
where you can see my pulse flicker
beneath my skin
blue
then red
i present it willingly
have me
take me
i won't resist
my will is gone
spilling the life out of my body is a small thing
compared to the pain i've experienced
at your hands before

i.
you kissed and touched me
even when i begged you to stop
you stole my innocence
then blamed me for the tragedy
you stole my faith in men
in myself
in my ability to control situations around me
thank you for opening my eyes
to the terrors of the world
and in doing so
making me more cautious and jaded

ii.
you didn't believe me
you thought i was lying
or worse
that i had initiated it
you made me repent
and wash away the taint of
someone else's sin
breaking my trust in
an institution that had claimed
protection and safety
since i was a baby

iii.
you stole what was left of me
on that cool may night
with beer on your breath and
lust in your eyes
when i begged you
and whispered no
you said it'll be over soon
and in the morning my body was sore
and my soul was gone
you were my biggest secret

iv.
you told me how fat i was
and that i didn't need to eat that
to eat this
to indulge
because how could i be a beautiful bride
if i gained an ounce
let alone a pound
your own insecurities and brokenness
spilled over and colored me
shameful and dependent
until i finally gained enough strength to leave

v.
you were the first man
who held me and touched me
and didn't make me cringe
because you actually liked me
you listened to me
and heard my words
you stopped when i asked
and didn't take advantage
you were so kind and
my first friend in a new place
so i'll never be able to repay you
for helping to rebuild my trust in the opposite ***

vi.
i remember so clearly
when we first started talking
how i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like you
i was broken
stained with the tragedies i'd experienced
no longer pure
that night you listened
for six hours
as i told you every terrible event
all the mistakes i'd made
then you loved me all the more
and i realized that i wasn't so broken
at least not beyond repair
and your love was making me whole again
and continues to do so
to this day

i see you
i see you
for all the darkness
you think surrounds you
despite the night that
you're stumbling through
i see you
clear as the clearest day
sky blue and cloudless
like a lantern
no
a star
you shine brighter than you could
ever imagine
i see you
your heart is warm
those sad blue eyes
turned down at the corners
they shoot right to my soul
don't look away
please
look here towards me
look at my eyes
because
i see you

just when i had resigned myself to
loneliness
into my life you fell
loving me without question
lighting up my whole world
you opened the door to my heart
and walked inside
never looking back

Come with me
Here
Take my hand
I offer it willingly
With love in my heart
And eyes wide open
Our journey won't be easy
The road is long
And difficult at times
Will you?
Won't you come along?
We may have mountains to climb
Rocky and tall
I will push you ahead of me
If I need
But we will peak them
And stand at the top
With breath frosted over and
Arms wide open to the
Glorious sunrise as our reward
Will you?
Won't you come along?
Bring your strong shoulders
You may have to carry me
When I grow weak
And forget our destination
When the thorns in the path
Even those we strew ourselves
Rip at my ankles
And trip me
Bandage my wounds with your
Kind words
And I'll be okay
Will you?
Won't you come along?
The nights will be long and dark
Cold
But I will keep you warm
With a fire I've been building for eternity
The one that was kindled from
Beyond this veil
We will wrap our arms around ourselves
Hold tight to the truths we know
And keep our eyes on the horizon

So I ask you now
Will you,
Won't you come along?

i'm trying
i'm trying
i'm not enough
i hurt without thought
i damage
i injure
i'm too much
i don't deserve anything
but the pain of
aloneness
rejection
i deserve that
the darkness that comes with
loneliness
why am i like this?
why am i
me?

killing field
inundated with
so many bodies
so much heat and pain
make me forget
everything i have witnessed

There you are
Quiet
Still
A smile
Light

A red thread
Links us
Heart to heart
Soul to soul

There I am
I feel as though
I can breathe
For the first time
In months

Each moment feels
Effortless
Unrestrained
Insecurities forgotten
Safe

You are a lockbox
A safe room
Comfort
And ease
Reprieve from dark places

My words float to you
And I know they are
Treasured
Secure
Guarded

My gratitude
Knows no end

scars on scars on scars
they build up over time
thick and tender
so dark
they poison me
my heart feels full of hurt
and empty at once
filling my brain with words
of anger
and hate
and meanness
lies and lies and lies
echoing over and over
as i try to move forward
a reminder of all of the
****** things i've done
and the ****** person i've been
and how many different ways
i've been the source of hurt
don't forgive me
i don't forgive myself
i will live with these scars
let them continue to build up
until they choke me

I’ll touch you like I touch my piano’s keys.

I’ll learn you like I know those black and whites - the sticky key there, the perfect amount of pressure, just how to draw out those last few notes.

My fingers will dance along your body, creating art as they move.
At times pianissimo, slow and sweet. A hint of melancholy. Gentle, to pull a quiet melody from your lips. Soft breaths. Carefully constructed sighs.

Others forte, wild and unrestrained. Demanding you give me all you have and then some, the tune soaring into a crescendo and then releasing all at once.

And, when the song finally comes to an end, you and I will both be sated and content in the beautiful music we made together.

i'm sorry
the words are stuck in my throat
because you have no way to hear them
this is typical
just like me
****** up brain
thinking of nothing but myself
selfish
thoughtless
i'm sorry
i will pound against the walls
until my fists are ******
and my voice is raw
but i'll continue saying it
because one day
i need to learn my lesson