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Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
red cheeks and
shaking hands
i will learn my lesson
one way or another
with sharp edges
and scalding touch
maybe i can rid myself of the
black shadow that has
taken up residence in
my chest
then maybe
just maybe
i can begin to make things
right
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
no longer a child
i'm a shadow of who
i was
and who i should be
i don't feel part of
myself anymore.
i am changing
or have i become
stagnant?
i can't tell what is
happening to my soul
but i miss who i was
and who i should be.
hoarded memories and
photos of a girl
i barely recognize.
was i happy?
am i happy?
my heart is saying one thing;
my mind, another.
i'm lost.
i'm found.
i'm aimless.
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
confusion glazes over my eyes
i cannot see anymore
someone guide me because
i'm afraid
i do not know what i'm doing anymore
my feet stumble
and my hands grasp for
something
anything
to hold onto
if i sit down and stop thinking
for a moment
maybe this confusion
would leave me
lift
like fog after rain
and then i'll know what i'm
supposed to do again
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
hands meeting
between our bodies
above your head
touching and tracing
the curve of your waist
that too on your hip
my teeth at your back
soft bites
and slow moans
whispered words
do you like this?
please more
touch me there
don't stop
what would you like me to do?
i'm close
taste and sound
touch and sight
your body is sweat slicked
and rosy with desire
fitting
may i mark you?
make you mine?
please baby
it's a quiet beg
please do
that curve there, it's mine
this one too
i claim them
i claim you
leaving my print on your neck
then your shoulder
the inside of your thigh
and the slow curve of your lower back
that way
you'll remember the way i tasted you
the way my fingers felt
as they dragged along your skin
the sharpness of my bite
and the taste of you on my lips
when we made love
with alcohol in our veins
and lust in our eyes
and you told me that forever wouldn't
be enough
for the love you had to give me
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
may i,
in hushed tones,
confess
how my heart aches
for you
and you alone
when we are apart?

may i,
in a quiet moment,
confess
how your hand feels
so soft
and delicate
between mine?

may i,
when silence befalls us,
confess
how you've changed me
wholly
and so effortlessly
made me complete?

may i,
when all is silent,
confess
how you've become
my best
and most cherished
friend?
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
this is a life and death situation
this means war
you drew your lines and then crossed them
now allow me to lead the charge
up to your front lines
because i need answers for what you've done
swinging swords and shooting arrows
and sometimes
i think that they actually hit their mark
this shield is battered
it doesn't always protect me
but sometimes it does the trick
i may be lonely
but i'm not alone
i have time on my side
age and wisdom
i am patient and will lie in wait
as i create a strategy
a flawless plan that will do the most damage to your defenses
and there's an angel at my back  who will guide my aim
traitorous as you are
you deserve no less than to feel my wrath
hot against your neck
as i take my revenge for the way you've changed me
and the irreparable damage you've done
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
fire and ice
burning
scorching
but leaving me
cold and
miserable
that is your modus operandi
i am a victim you
can mark on your wall
a tally
one more trophy
for you to collect
enjoy me
this pain might give
you
a small measure of peace
and i'll accept that
because i don't know
how else to survive
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
you are more than the
natural man
you are a spirit made of
intelligence
fire
and passion
warmth
light
depth
character
compassion
love
all the good things our
father intended
so see now
how you shine even when
you feel so very dim
a beam that brightens
even the darkest winter's night
and let the veil grow thin
so you can remember
your potential
the potential you were made and born and
raised with
from before you can even remember
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
my body feels weak
tired
and ill
it is betrayal incarnate
i cannot stand to see it
i wish i would disappear
that it would fail me
so my anger
wouldn't be misplaced
but i am more than a body
blood and bone
skin and sinew
i am an infinite soul
and there is a light inside me
which sickness cannot dim
the divine heritage
i have been blessed with
will be my saving grace
and one day
i will once again
be whole
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
uncertainty colors my thinking
like sand in water
floating around my subconscious
and making my thoughts turn
muddy and dark
i'll fight it tonight
in sleep
and in the morning
maybe
things will be alright
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
Good intentions

Or, rather,

The road to hell

I am there
Now I see my mistakes

The error of my ways

And I am lost in regret

Because I caused 

Harm and injury

Where none was intended

Now I feel empty inside

And the weight of my actions

Is heavy 

Because how can I ever

Expect anyone to love me

If I tear them apart by accident?
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
you had a way out
of ******* loneliness
i was your way
i loved you
i tried
i ripped my life apart
for you
and it wasn't enough
split my skin
and heart in half
and it still wasn't enough
what would have finally healed your stupid loneliness?
because lord knows i was
never ******* enough
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
your name tastes like
cinnamon gum
shower water
lipgloss
teasing kisses
the cocktails you downed
and the taste of myself on your lips
from our first time

your name tastes like
your moans
mimosas
experimenting with my sexuality
disneyland
and quick flurried movements
as i try to hurry
and finally taste you
before we get caught

your name tastes like
a ***** text message
hotel rooms
and room service
amaretto sours mixed
with karaoke
and handsome celebrities
shower *** and counter ***
the adventure of our
first trip together

your name tastes like
a quick weekend away
sleeping nestled next to you
the sound of your breathing
salty ocean air
and the perfume
that’s burnt into my brain

your name tastes like
movies in my living room
day drinking
your new hobby
your sadness
tears in the shower
as you try to come to terms
with the expiration date on
our relationship

your name tastes like
backseat ***
blanket nests
the age of ultron
movie theater popcorn
adult milkshakes
the beach and wind
my tears in the bathroom of the cafe
as i try to come to terms with
my heart

your name tastes like
a weekend where i couldn't
do anything right
your frowns
and quiet disappointments
a trip to movie sets
and the sound of the seagulls
that fly overhead
during a hot summer picnic

your name tastes like
nights out late laughing
dancing
walking around the vegas strip
calvin harris and night clubs
***** and absinthe
chlorine
teary goodbyes
and last time kisses
*** that makes me sad
and heartbroken

your name tastes like
bitterness
and anger
promises broken
and tears shed
cuts on my leg
and appetites gone
a heartache too big for my body
no
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
no
i would rather not
think about you being
touched and kissed and loved
by someone who is
completely unworthy to do so
who can't even bring you to
fulfillment
who doesn't know just how
you like to be touched
who draws from you those
quiet breaths and loud moans
who is selfish and impatient
and more concerned
with their pleasure than yours

i would rather not
think about these things
but now that i know
they are all i can think about
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
brick and mortar
foundations crumbling
a castle no more
this is a broken home
the vines have grown outward
wrapping their strangling
tendrils
around everything
good and bad
it's all the same
destruction holds no bias
as it slowly tears apart
what was once a safe place
nothing is protected anymore
with no roof or walls or
windows
everything will be exposed
and the desolation will
continue
to make it's way through
everything i hold dear
how do i stop it
i'm helpless
how do i stop it
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i feel too big for this body
the universe couldn't contain me
how could i expect your heart
to be large enough
for the being that i am
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
last night i wanted to feel something
i wanted to so badly
i sat and listened
and waited for an answer
for some sort of sign

it didn't come
and i left feeling a ringing in my ears
and a hollow echo
where my soul used to be
and numbness in place of a heart

its a strange experience
when you feel nothing
for so long
that you can't remember what it feels like
to feel anything at all
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
And on that long, quiet drive

My mind went into survival mode

“Feel nothing” it said

But my heart felt

Everything at once

An aching loneliness

It is sharp

And deeply unsettling 

Leaving me raw

I hurt

But I don’t

I feel

But I’m numb

I’m empty

And I’m overflowing
Full of things I don’t want

Can’t want

Don’t need

Can’t process

So I’ll settle back

Into my quiet existence

And try to feel the right things

And smother the ache

That is constant

And all too real
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
a long stretch
as far as you can see
or so it seems
it's not so far
i will help you
be your companion
will you let me?
would you like me
to carry that heavy pack
the one you've been carrying
for ages?
i'm happy to shoulder it
for a while
hold my hand
when the way gets rocky
we will keep one another steady
it's not so long
i promise
and i will be by your side
as long as you'll have me
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
or perhaps
we could run
far and fast
until it feels like
we are flying
nothing behind us
but the wind
nothing in front of us
that we do not want there
just freedom
and lightness
weight gone
shoulders unburdened
hearts racing
and palms pressed together
i can run fast
i will keep up
on your mark
get set
go
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
Tired has seeped into my bones

Into my brain

Slowing the neurons that need

To tell my body to move

My heart to pump

My lungs to breath

Tired has invaded my soul

And pulled apart the seams

Until the things it held inside

Spilled out 

Exposed to the blackness

That is slowly polluting me

Tired has put out my fire
Left me caring too little

And wanting too much 

With teeth clenched and tongue held

To keep my poisonous words

From spilling

Tired has left me weak

And unable to defend myself 

With a desire to hurt

And injure

To claim justice

And leave no survivors

Tired is pouring from my eyes

Blurring my vision

And making my chest burn

In an effort to

Ease the pressure that is 

Building

So I will sleep

With the hope that tomorrow

I will wake and tired

Will have finally left me
Allowing me to repair,

Reclaim, 

And restore 

The damage it has done.
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
and just like that my mind calms
like the storm has passed and
suddenly
i can see the horizon
come hell or high water
i will make it
my body is strong
my mind is stronger
with the rough seas come
the most beautiful sunrises
and mine is just ahead
cotton candy skies
followed by cloudless blue and
calm waters
now i can take the helm
with confidence
that i will make it to my
destination
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
Can we
Lie together for
A few moments,
Let our fingers
Intertwine
While our hearts
Heal,
Listen to
The sound of
Even breathing
And silent thought,
And just
Be?
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
you touched me in the most intimate of ways
traced the lines of
my body
my soul
until i was marked with fingerprints
your fingerprints
small and delicate
but painful and lingering
i craved the contact
and you were my biggest enabler
pumping me full of
what you called love
what you claimed was understanding
until i was hopelessly addicted
and when you decided
things were too hard and that
i was no longer enough
you took it all away
and left me to go through the withdrawals
on my own
cold and hurting
it was the worst sort of betrayal
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
lost and heartsick
i feel very small
and very alone
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
My dear, my love
I know things seem
Impossible and painful
And they fill you with
Worry and guilt
But remember the beauty
In the world

The sweet voice of a child
An endless universe with
Galaxies we do not yet know
The way the sun shines off the mountains
The ocean tide, constant and unending
A melody that lifts your heart
The colors of nature all around you
The way your body fights to keep you alive
The goodness of strangers
Charity and love
Your father’s kindness
And your own strength
The perfect love of a God you know exists
And the universe He’s created for you

You will be okay
We will be okay
The scars of the world will be healed
Yours will be too
Nothing is beyond His reach
His perfect sight
And though things seem dim
All will be well in time
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i felt your fingers
against my calf muscle
they twitched just so
when you laughed
as if you wanted to reassure me
to make sure i knew
you wouldn't pull away
even as you rolled onto your back
with your eyes closed
and laughter on your lips
your hand remained
linking you to me
in a tangible physical way
a mimic of the link we share
from deep inside our subconscious
there it remained
resting against the muscle on my leg
as we discussed life and love
and all the ******* that entails
and laughed at our follies while we
mourned giving of ourselves
to those who were less than deserving
binding each other's wounds
with mutual understanding and
compassion
your hand kept me warm
the slight touch
caused my heart to glow like
so many candles and bonfires in a
cool summer night
thank you for that reminder
that i won't be left behind
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
quiet heart
sleep now
rest your weary eyes
and look forward to
the brightness of
a new day
and a future
we will share
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
Hot coffee, foamy and bitter
Scalds my tongue but I drink anyway
The clouds are low around my mountains
Trees are orange and red and
Nearly barren
My cheeks are cold and pink
And my fingertips trace the frost that's
Gathered on my window
I feel like the earth is preparing
For the change that is winter
And I am ready
For the rest that will come with
The first real snow fall
And the healing that happens underneath
For the reawakening that will occur
When the frost thaws
And my heart can finally beat
Without that ache
That has plagued me for far too long
With a quiet sigh
And eyes half shut
I will allow this period of rest
And recovery
And soothe my weary heart in
The balm of forgiveness
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
it was fast and hard
the way i fell for you
i barely had time to think
and suddenly you were
all i thought about
and all i experienced

you were
every nerve ending
every cell in my body
every heartbeat
every drop of blood
every tear
every sigh of pleasure
every gasp of pain
every cut
every moment of every day

i couldn't wait to breath you out
to release you from my lungs
like toxic smoke
but you linger
like a haze around my head
making me foggy
and sad
and regretful

please just let me
quit
recover
move on
be whole again
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
rushing into it headfirst
only caused me heartache
stupid stupid stupid
all my sacrifices were nothing, no,
less than nothing to you
in the end how could i ever
expect more than betrayal from you
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
sad eyes
i see you hug yourself
arms wrapped around your torso
trying to hold the pieces of your
heart together
you are not alone
sad eyes
i see you so rigid and tight
as you carry the weight
of another's hurt in your heart
trying to keep steady and upright
i can help you
sad eyes
it is not your fault
you have done your best
and are weary from your heavy load
i am here now
i will not leave you
sad eyes
allow me to shoulder a partial load
of the burden you bear
make it easier to carry
we are are on this journey
together
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
on a monday  morning
when i find myself
wrestling with my demons
with shadows under my eyes
and chapped lips
a body and mind that
will not cooperate with me
i will try to remember that
i am not just flesh and bone
but stardust and infinity
and i will be okay
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
sharp things
not knives or blades or razors

words
and actions
lies
whispered or shouted
hands slapping
or letting go
"you're not enough"
that text message
someone coming in first
taking priority
a hand clenching into a fist
or not touching at all
a missing good morning text
someone taking my place
"i don't need you"
silence when words are needed
loneliness
abandonment
being forgotten

these are sharp things indeed
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i wanted to write you something happy
but my heart stopped me
it's bottled up
so allow me instead
to tell you how your soul is
a bright light during this
rather bleak
winter
it's gold
and sun
and soft smiles
and real love
the kind you can't find in the card aisle
at the drugstore
it's forgiveness
and shared secret
prayers and testimonies
thank you for
your soul
and the home it provides me
when i need shelter from
this gray winter
sky
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
sky
quiet now
look into this inky sky
see that star?
the bright one
just there
endless though it may seem
this sky is full of you
each star
each moonbeam
the wisps of the clouds
this galaxy we belong to
they are made up of the
very stardust that occupies
your veins
your ocean eyes
your steady heartbeat
your low voice
the curve of your back
the strength in your shoulders
your soft skin
your lovely fingers
come now
watch with me
this visual passage of time
and we will fill the universe
with the silences
we keep
these wordless conversations
spoken between
two hearts
and two souls
who were friends from beyond time
and space
and who will outlast the very
sun in this morning sky
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
heart pounding
hands clenched into fists
heavy breaths
and tears choking your voice
the blackness you feel
is all in your mind
a terrible dream

you are safe
and cared for
loved very deeply
the nightmare that plagues you
is a lie
a falsehood

come here my darling
i will hold you
close to my heart
until the steady beating
soothes you back to sleep
and you can leave
that terrible dream far behind
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
hurting myself to protect you
because i'm the worst nightmare
you can possibly imagine
i want to destroy
you
so instead i will slowly destroy myself
in an attempt to control the
raging beast that threatens to break out
i will burn myself up
leaving just a shell of who i once was
but you'll be sheltered from the war
that's waging inside of my chest
spilling my spirit from so many wounds
the pain won't last forever
or so i tell myself
blood and bone
sweat and tears
they will be a shield between
you and i
that keeps you safe
and keeps me caged
my scars
will be the chains that hold me back
reminding me
that i was never enough for you
or rather
i was too much
so remember this next time you decide
to dismiss the sacrifices i have made
to keep you safe
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
Today I realized
That you weren't
On my mind
In my heart

Not once
Not at all

Until I stood still long enough
For you
To creep back inside

For a full day
I was free
And happy
Unburdened by your betrayal

I want that
I need it
I will have it

So today I will say goodbye
And let you go
Once and for all
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
it feels every pain
every wound
every sadness
like a well
continually filling up
until it overflows
coming out through my shaky hands
and cold fingers
and pale cheeks
the tears that leave tracks on my face
and the thudding of my heart
my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
far too big
far too big
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
you do not deserve pity
or mercy
stop playing the victim
manipulative snake
you know what you did
you destroyed me
you slowly poisoned my heart
cut into it
took it from me and found it wanting
blameless?
no
selfish and terrible
you clutched my trust in your fist
and bent it to your will
i will not feel badly for you
i will not hurt for you
accept your punishment
cowardly wretch
maybe next time you will realize
that hearts aren't toys
to be thrown out when they break
or trophies to collect
they are living things to be cherished
and protected
held tightly between soft warm palms
greedy liar
if mine meant so little
i will not
cannot
find an ounce of mercy nor pity
within my entire being
for your plight
i am worth more
much more
than you made me believe
i am worth everything
i see this truth clear as day now
and you cannot poison me
your hold over me has weakened
and soon i'll be loosed
and completely free
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
stop
put a bullet in them
these doubts
that will never sleep

stop
cut this tie
the one that binds
the darkness to my heart

stop
burn those bridges
they keep me going back
to the past

stop
don't go
please stay
i'm afraid i cannot do this alone

stop
no don't
i will be brave
and find my way
Cassidy Mae Feb 2016
shut this down
tear my skin to shreds
open my veins
pour yourself into me

give me all of you
over and over and over
Cassidy Mae Jun 2016
i didn’t think i’d live when he fingered me so hard it hurt and i tried to sit up but he pushed me back down and told me it was okay and to be quiet so his sister who was right upstairs in her bathroom wouldn’t hear and when i told him we should stop he laughed like i’d said a joke and i laughed in return because i didn't believe what was happening was actually happening.

i didn’t think i’d live when i was lying half on and half off the couch in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the living room with an eighteen year old man sitting on my chest and my pants undone and my shirt pulled up while he whispered things like ‘it’ll be over soon’ as he held my jaw and ****** himself into my mouth so hard my eyes watered and i gagged and tried not to throw up and said no around his ***** as many times as i could and he just insisted that it was his turn now whatever that’s supposed to mean.

i didn’t think i’d live when i couldn’t figure out what to do about the ******* he’d so kindly left in my mouth and when i thought about spitting it out i realized his sister - my best friend - would see the mess and i didn’t want her to know what he had done or have to worry about cleaning it up so i swallowed it like a champ and the taste of him still lingers in the back of my throat 15 years later.

i didn’t think i’d live when he sat me down with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to go to the bishop for what we’d done and begged me not to tell my parents and held my hands in his as if he was truly concerned about my well being and i nodded dumbly because i couldn’t believe this had happened to me.

i didn’t think i’d live when i ran home weeping and showered until my skin was raw and red and my hands were shaking so hard i dropped the soap three times and i screamed so hard my throat bled.

i didn’t think i’d live when i laid down in the sunspot on my bedroom floor and sobbed hysterically until my younger brother who never cared about me finally timidly knocked on my door and asked me if i was okay and i couldn’t find the words to tell him i’d been ***** so i just told him i’d had a fight with my best friend.

i didn’t think i’d live when food became a burden and my stomach turned on me and headaches plagued me because the weight of what had happened to me and what had been taken from me had become too much to bear and my body was slowly collapsing underneath it.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my mom and dad what happened to me with a choked voice and tears streaming down my face and my mom told me she knew what i was feeling because my uncles - more than one - had sexually assaulted her when she was a little girl and to this day i cannot look at them without wanting to *****.

i didn’t think i’d live when my dad got so angry that his face turned red and i didn't recognize him and he clenched his fists and muttered something about his gun under his breath and i knew he’d **** the man who ***** me if he had the chance but in the same breath that held those threats he broke into a thousand pieces and held me together like a fragile broken doll and wept into my hair and i just wanted to tell him i was okay and i was still his little girl but the words were gone.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my sister about who had ***** me and she felt sick because she had dated him to make me jealous at one point and it had worked and we’d fought over this selfish ******* like sisters do and she wondered how could she have done something so cruel to me with someone who would in turn treat me so cruelly.

i didn’t think i’d live when my ****** called me a **** behind my back and my baby brother my endless protector confronted him at four years old and asked him if he’d really called me a **** even when he had no idea the meaning of the word only that it had wounded me deeply.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my bishop and hoped that he’d understand and that something would be taken from this man who had ***** me so he’d maybe feel a little of what i was feeling but it turns out he got off scott free and everything he worked for was given to him including his mission and going to byu and my bishop still believes it was consensual even when i told him the story over and over again.

i didn’t think i’d live when i realized that i still wake up every day for the past 15 years and think about him at some point and the smell of a wooden door in the sun makes me want to throw up and the sound of maury povich’s voice is a trigger and sometimes i wish i could tell his wife what he did to me and how he never apologized and never admitted what he did just continued to call it consent over and over again even after i told him no clearly and plainly and how his sister knows now and we’re no longer friends and his other sister thinks i’m just a **** who tried to ruin his life and how sometimes *** still scares me so badly that i want to die and sometimes i still wish i had that day.
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
my fingers are seared
singed
i'm playing with fire
walking right on the edge
of pleasure and pain
i don't know if i want
to stop
but i know i probably should
heaven help me
because i want so much
to let this burn me up
leave me feverish
and flushed
slick with sweat
and thirsty
for more
of the exquisite torture
i'm entertaining
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
i want to help you
but i don't know how
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
would it be
so wrong
if i just gave
up?
Cassidy Mae Nov 2015
But that night
When we stayed up until 3
Talking about nothing
And everything
And the state of the universes
Inside of our hearts
Changed me

When you told me
You were proud of me
And that I was strong
I wanted to become those words
I wanted to live them
To embody them
And to prove you right

Every day I am trying
I struggle
Because my road has so many rocks
And holes
And there are ghosts of
People and memories that
Want me to fail

Then I recall your words and
I know
That someone has faith in
Who I am
And who I could be
And knows my heart when
I don’t know it myself

And that’s the power in my
Heart and
Legs and
Lungs and
Soul
That moves me past each hurdle
And on my stumbling way
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
self sabotage
i'm a glutton for punishment
the urge to feel the knife
pushed a little deeper between my ribs
to remember things i shouldn't
and want things desperately
so strong it overcomes me
and all sense of self
quiet torture
just when i think i'm doing so well
i go back to you
and i'm reminded all over again
that there are some things
better left behind
Cassidy Mae Dec 2015
wrists bruised
bones shattered
blood spilled
i am
conquest
famine
war
death
wrapped up in pale skin
with cold, tired eyes
teeth ground together
as i try to keep
these words inside
i do not want this
i do not want this
but the responsibility rests
on my shoulders alone
so i carry the weight of
the broken hearts
i have left in my wake
mine is there
underneath my feet
trampled and bleeding
no no no
i am not alone
this is not only my fault
i have broken my own heart
but you played accomplice to
the destruction i wrought
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