In the beginning i was "oh no, uh oh" crying. Then I was the "not in my house" "nasty spiclett, rug rat, welfare seed". After I was here it was there, then there was shes such a bad kid, only cuz no one was stopping him. Then it was liar liar she's just a filthy **** liar, all the while theres turmoil left and right. How does a child just adjust with no one to ever trust, no home to call her own, bouncing here, bouncing there, never having anything constent. Always called every other name then the name forced upon me, like a mark, another label. How does a child learn how to eat at a table never provided for just always shiwn the door. Was this chuld just suppose to know how to survive all alone, nothing ever of thier own. Thats just the breaks of never being wanted.

The fire lets go
The wind blows again
Seeping up my hand
To  my brain
I was alone
When I met you
You didnt know
What I had been through
I didnt remark
Or let you embark
I just killed you
With my love
Oh and the fire let go
We never questioned
What we had
Till it
Started going bad
You wouldn't let me go
I had to walk away
****
The wind blows again
It was all I could do
To get away from you
And there I am calling
If course to open arms
This time you aint letting go
Seeping up my hand
The fire lets go
The wind blows
To my brain

I am so plagued
By this song
That plays endlessly
Again and again
Right when I think I'm on
To what it says to me
I'm wrong
How can I be so unsung
from something only I have
Thunk of
And when will I figure its tune
In you
maybe it could be thee
That I'm not alone in denial
its wretchedly vile
Over and over
It sings to me
This song
Thats plagued me all along
Making me
Feel endlessly.

Make no mistakes
my <3 will break
At even the thought
Of those words
I couldnt take
Not even a day
With that kind of hurt
Where did you think
It would all go
When you uttered
No
Didn't you know
That scar would show
always
What did you think
that I woukd just sink
And you could forget
Me and bury there
Oh my god how you dare
With so called care
Make no mistakes
My <3 will break
If even those words
Crossed your face
And I couldn't take
No more of you


'AGoddessOriginal'
2004

I found myself, wishing I could call you today
I found myself missimg your smile
O found myself forgiving your harshness, your ignorance, impatience, and selfish style
I found myself, sighing with heaviness
Glad that I left things that way I did,
Relieved I said what I needed to, so on these days,
My closure is a little more completely said.
I found myself, through adversities that you subjected me too,
I found myself, though alienation is all you taught.
Out of sight, out of mind,
A sorrowful excuse to have fought.

Waiting patiently
moving cautiously
Leaping quickly
to the edge

Running briskly
Moving swiftly
heading towards
The edge

Moving violently
Words tangling
Screams valiently
To the edge

Creeping flawlessly
Lying lawlessly
Smirking tragectly
To the edge

To the edge...

I need a hole,in the ground,with no grass all around,big enough, I can get in, and stay, never go away. I'll dig deeper,for rocks, and pile them at the top. I need a hole,in the ground, to go away.I need a hole,in the ground,like I need a hole in my face, and yet I pierce it,anyway, the pain doesn't go away,and it seems even being, here with you,on this day. Doesnt seem, to subside, this hole wont go away. I need a hole, in the ground,with no grass, all around, big enough,that I can lay for a spell, and just dwell on the many ways, I could've analyzed, so maybe then, things would've stayed, the way it was, when we were happy, I need a hole ....

A little less oxygen
flowing under my skin
I've noticed going on since
God where do I begin
A little less oxygen
and I'm not the only one
They all walk alone with me
Without daughters and sons
A little less oxygen
Gets to my brain
cause now when I wake
Not one thing is the same
I have a little less oxygen
flowing through my veins
And I'm supposed to be forgiving
Sorry just after I'm done with insane
Do you know how it feels
To feel a little less oxygen
To forget whats real?
And think that your done
I feel a little less oxygen
Under my skin
I know a little less oxygen
Without them.

"AGoddessOriginal"
2/18/05

You got no love for me
Your just a sick and twisted
Vicious circle
Smothering
Thats not love
You bring
Its hypnotic
Pull at my heartstrings
Brainwashing delusionaly
Leave me screaming at your
Name
How bad you hurt me
Thats not love you bring.

I ben trying oh so hard
Lying deep here in the yard
Waiting patiently for you
To come kick me down more too
Its soggy and its soaking wet
Something i won't seem to forget
Lifting my ****** corpse
From this horrid August forth
To stumble blindly in the pain
That seems a neverending reign
So wicked in its sickening thought
I hope he leaves me unsought
I was blistered from the sun
That came down to say we're done
It was over before we met
Oh how could I ever forget
Silly human ******* race
Spilling my blood all over the place
Who the **** will clean it up
When you all have given up
Oh I'm sure you'll point at me
Sorrowful soul hanging from a tree
Beaten bruised & left for dead
What do you think happens in my head
I hope you don't see me as dream
I'm a nightmare you can't scream
And sorry excuse for anything
How I wish you weren't me

I cant push you away        anymore today       it hurts too much      to pray      or wish for change       i cant push you away       way too much to say       if only i could breathe       if only words could speak      all my dreams      would be so happy       all my thoughts       would dance out loud      if only there was sound      i cant push you away       i have no strength       for walls       and i cant move away       im too far gone        dont try to hold me       my firea too hot       dont try to let go either      the drop dont stop      i cant push you away       i have nothing left       given every last       brick away       that i built my walls with      giving in       to every cry scream or whim       letting go of this      is all thats left       cuz i cant look away       from all of this.

Don't kiss me good bye
See how long that's gonna fly
don't miss me when I'm gone
I will linger along
in the corner of your eye
When you knew the whole time
all I wanted was love
Don't send be good wishes
you know you were what was missing
Don't miss me now that I'm gone
Don't call out to my name
that you didn't give me
Care or exclaim
Don't, don't reach for my hand
It's not like that old man
Don't miss me now that I'm gone
Cover your frown and wipe your tears
Those will get you no where here
I have no obligations to you
Just like you left me too
The same to you I do
So don't miss me now that I'm gone
Don't send me your announcement
I don't have time to care for any of your mess
Happy sad or just dense
And don't miss me while I'm gone
don't persist to press on
Its so obvious your beyond
I don't see how you could think
the little you did sink
Would make me miss you when you were gone
Don't say another word
there's not one thing I did to deserve
The treatment you dealt
No matter how you felt
don't you care miss me now that I'm gone
And don't try to tell me I'm wrong
I was there I was standing alone
It was I who had to hide
From a heavy handed life
Don't miss me
Don't kiss me
Don't miss me
Now that I've gone
Don't miss me now that I'm gone

I grew this flower
Yet no one cares
I made it fed it
And loved it without fear
No one ever will see it appear
i grew this flower
With all i hold dear
Yet no one will tear it
To pieces and leave it
Right here
I grew this flower
For no one to hold near
For no one to smell
Or admire or see
I grew this flower
Just for me
So i could be lonely
And filled with fear
I grew this flower
So no one could see
all this pain
That this flower
Removes from me
I grew this flower
So i could be here
To share why i grew
This flower my dear.

"AGoddessOriginal"

I'm never gonna have the love I need to be real
      It was stolen from me at birth
I'm never gonna have someone who show me unconditionally
     I'm always gonna be alone
I'm never gonna have a family, to take portraits with
     I'm never gonna have a soulmate
I'm never gonna be able to feel
     Safe in the life with someone
I'm  never gonna be normal
     I'm never gonna fit in
I'm never gonna do normal family stuff
      I'm never gonna be the person
Others can depend on, trust or need
      I'm always going to be looked at as damaged
I'm never gonna be loved like I should be
     I'm never gonna have these things
They are illusive to me

"AGoddessOriginal"
8/2011

I'm not gonna give you
A list of what not to do's
I'm not gonna feed into
Making you feel don't do

Im not gonna give you
The tools to keep us tight
So you dont ever wonder
if maybe it wontebe alright

I'm gonna give you answers
Honest injan so that we might
Grow vividly together
And show ourselves we right

I'm gonna give you my right now
My every moment left in me
So when you do become absent from us
Theres a silent movie feed

I'm gonna give you lessons
On how to overcome
The things I haven't faced yet
Because together we're still young

I'm gonna gi e you silver
Streaks all in my hair
So you'll know I'm gonna stay
You'll see I'm not going no where
our very own lifetime of space

"AGoddessOriginal"
10-28-11

I wanna be able to say
When they knock on the door someday
That  "He just went away
Never to return again"
I didnt question
The new position I found
By the time I noticed
Time had been gone & come back around
And Me
Well I was doing
What He left me doing
When it all began
In the first place
Wow what a sad story
To hear
He ended up that way :/

"AGoddessOriginal"
2012

Take my love home with you
   If its all that you can do
       Take my heart thats sad and blue
          Because even still it'll be true
             When your gone I'll be a slave
                To every word I heard you gave
                   I'll take your love home with me
                      Forever together we will be
                          Take my love home with you
                        If that's all I ever do
                  Is give my love to all who ever knew
               To take my love home with you
             I see your smile upon her face
          And your eyes on him they grace
       Your laugh I hear each day in me
     To have you back is what we'd need
   Take my love home with you
If thats all we ever do
   Is give our hearts to the ones
     Who love us still when our days are done

"AGoddessOriginal"
10-28-11

I'm a loser         a senseless user
of much needed space      get out of this place
I'm an abuser       a selfish moocher
Take your time       I ain't going no place
I'm confused      and often fooled
By your advances      upon my space
I'm a user           a worthless loser
Get the **** up       and have a taste
I'm a foreclosure           on everything
You'll let me           Take
I'm an invader      in your veins
All over        the human race
I'm an infection       leaving you breatheless
For just a little more     of what it fakes
I'm a hell fire         passionate desire
To be miserable        in every way
I'm a toy           you take out to play
Then cover all up      put neatly away
I'm a fairy       for you to bend over
And give her tale        the time of day
I'm a destroyer       don't need a lawyer
Ain't nobody       even looking this way


"AGoddessOriginal"
4/7/13

I am not real
This is not happening
We are not hurt
I am not grasping
I complicate
every avenue I take
I immortalize
Every person who see's
My eyes
I am not real
My existence is only memory
We are not hurt
Only attempting
Flames bursting around me
I am a delusion
That your hallucination
Breeds
I am not real
I do not exist.... ...

If you cant listen
To the repitory words
I've spilled from my
Lips and hand
For a time now
I can't make you
If you can't appreciate
The endless trail of my
Wanting to please you
Pining giving and waiting
For much too long
I can't make you
I see and hear
The words you choose
and actions you use
It weighs heavy on my heart
Leans, no yanks me
To witness where
You would take me
With no regard to
a smile or frown
Upon my face or heart
I can't make you
I can take my own advice
And change my life
So I stay sane
And admit
As I've had so many
Times before
I'll be taking this door
All alone.
Because, I can't make you
I cant make you
I can admit I was wrong
This doesn't make me happy
I need more then
just sassy presence
I can pull myself together
Even though inside me
The weather is so grey
But I can't make you
I can't make you
it pains me
To admit to the world
Im trying to lit
Is so rough and
Untraveled, I was so
Encouraged,.convinced
If I gave more
Did it all
Gave every moment
Only to you
Id feel a darkness
Inside me subside
And its not
Its growing out of control
And given me a hole
I can't balance anything on
I need more and
I can't make you
Make you love me.

I laid arounf all day
i didnt do a **** thing
Thats why the house looks this way
cuz I didnt do a **** thing
To change my ugly ways
No i havent done a **** thing
Since you went away
In fact
I traded one thing
For a habit everyday
I'm sorry aint a **** thing
Gonna make it go away
I havent done a **** thing
To change my ugly ways
No i havent done a **** thing
To make a change
To change my ugly ways

I'm picking up grey
   Running away
      We're leaving today
         As far as we can walk
            I'm picking up grey
               We're walking away
                   We can't stay no more
                      It hasn't been the same
                          You don't want this
                             Niether do I
                                We keep on with
                                    Every lie
                                       I'm picking up grey
                                           Moving away
                                              Taking my stuff
                                           Moving away
                                        Leavings not enough
                                     I'm picking up grey
                                  Try ro replace
                               The hole in my chest
                            This bittwr emptyness
                         I'm picking up grey
                     I need it to stay
                  I'm keeping it safe
               It's the only way

"AGoddessOriginal"
(B4 2009)

I h8 how my Hole of a life
Is always up in the air
I h8 how everything i long for
is so far away from me
Yet, right there.
I h8 everything about me
it seems cuz I keep being told
its all me, its all me
Funny ........ me.
I h8 how i do all i can
To have a love of a man
And i find is a **** in a can
I h8 how all i do
Is **** up everything i am
By dieing so much on the inside
all i do is cry on the outside
every second that well i just am.
I h8 hiw lonely i am
bcuz i dnt choose someone who
Will stand lovingly by my side
I h8 how even though
Each word i wrote
Speaks only of me and I
Someone else feels the exact same way
Inside.

Its not hard to live without you, its what I've always done.
Its not difficult to not think of you, there's not many memories to think of.
its a breeze, to say the least.
Because its something I've always done.
I was born without you, fake smiles held me or hung?  ...
I grew up without you, whether you lingered or not that's the way it was done.
I endured hostile intent, that should of never been provided the oppertunity.
Had you been there, like all religious intents scream for you to be.
Would it had been the way it was in the hands you let hold me.
I'm sure, since you wrre never there, it would have transpired to a more malicious state.
One leaves due to fear of what they'll do or what they don't want to see themselves doing.
Regardless of your absence, I care not for your excuses.
You, not painlessly, taught me how alone, lonely, and incidious someone can truly be.
Not only did you leave me, you thought it waa wise to pay, so I would stay away.
No attempts to want me, or see what I've become.
No motives to care haunt you, or would ever dare.
And it was my existence alone that twisted you.
Made you unloving due to your need to move on as thoigh I ne'r existed.
I survived, though your vast attempts at leasure.
I breathe even still, though not to your desire.
I've always lived without you, and always wondered why that must've been.
Now I only wish to never see you the way you worked so hard to have it spent.
Now I agree with your every motion to never be one moment.
I'm estatic there's no memories to haunt my every breathe.
There's not a single way I sway that would remind me of a time when...
I only wish I never saw you, so in the mirror time I spend.
I wouldn't see your eyes, lips, and nose or color of your skin.
I wouldn't know I have your hair or that my ears sit where yours did.
Id be able to see something beautiful instead of the state you left me in.

"AGoddessOriginal"
7/30/12

I wait stupidly
like an anxious child.
For nothing.
I wait as usual
For a person
Who deliberatly
Keeps me at a distance
Who only looks
For what I haven't done
Who scolds instead of loves
I wait
For nothing but a punishment
Ive allowed
To sprawl over me
And slobber themselves
on my pain
I wait
for one who doesn't
Love me or care to love me
How insane
To wish I had something more
To stupidly believe
I even deserve
Such graces.
I'll mever be
Nothing more then
the worthless unit
I am right now.
I'm a monster,
Meant only for use
My while life
Has perpetuated this to me
And every person
I've ever connected to
Has only taken from my soul
Only leaving pain
Its always the same.

"AGoddessOriginal"
8/3/12

Im sorry, I wish I could tell you that it will be okay. Or that the sun will be brighter soon and this.  . . . . . Haze. Will lift. I wish I could tell you smiles will be bigger, and hugs would be tighter. They will not and I can't lie. However, we will find a new part of ourselves we never wished we knew. A life without you. Air you don't breathe, sun you don't see and no you for to touch. The sun will not get brighter but we will learn to keep closer to the ones who love us. And we will learn its okay to smile again. And we will become more recieving, even though it still stings a bit with each hug. I'm sorry, I can't say it'll be okay. I can say, we will come through.

My elephants body is
Yellow and black
He has a pumpkin orange head
Be careful when you hit his
White striped trunk
It'll knock you dead
He has flopped out ears
And glass tusks instead
And i fill him with only
The tastiest flowers
I myself have bred
My elephant is a bubbler
The hitters on the back of his dome
So when you hear that bubbling crue
You'll know
Theres an elephant in the room

Hi! I'm Nobody.
Not only do I not care
I dont really give a **** either.
And Yes, I dare.
I'm  the one who
Doesnt change the toilet paper
I don't listen too!
Joy anything sound familiar.
I also never water the plants
Take out the trash
I don't know how to drive
yet here I am, Nobody, CRASH!
I don't pay attention
When SomeOne says anything
I'm so busy not caring
For everyone except little ol nobody
Does any of this sound real
well of course it should
Cuz if nobody wasnt doing it
Ya'd thunk somebody would.
But there it is
Nobody *** 'er done
If anyone was worried
its ok go have fun.

Hear Here                Feel Here
See Here           SCREAm
Be Here                     With Here
Give Here          SCREam
Live Here                   Wish Here
Bleed for Here  SCReam
Please Here               Tease Here
Leave Here        SCream
Need Here                 Want Here
Perfidy                Dream

She stood broken
Her dress blew
in the windy sway
He stood over her
Mumbling in dismay
Of all the things
He can never say
Her head hung low
His words held no remorse
They made her smaller
With each escape
It took her deeply
To a place to profound
Of an emotional let down
To speak about
She stood quietly
Swept away
By what used to be
The only one
she wanted to play
She stood under
His shadowey display
She wished he'd go away
Knowing he was all
She would ever crave
Even her words
Could no longer
be his slave
She stood silently
Burned beyond pain
Not even soaked up
by the rain
No tear ever savored
Held or unashamed
She stood still
With definition and misunderstood will
As he hovered over
Her every move
If he left her to her own
Disturbed rebellious words
She was lost
He would lose
There was nothing
He could do
And she was just
Too far gone
To find a way
Back to his grip
He never released
In the first place.

I have a thought on a page
and its making me crazy
Wondering how I could save

My sweet baby

My little words are absurd
I dont think theyd be
what the world wants to hear

About my little baby

My babys eyes
Tell no lies
And its never a compromise
Theres never time
To get your wits
Just click that ****
Hit them bricks
You'll never see him coming
Sweet teddy bear loving
His **** blues
Will have you fooled
Give up on this
I'm all his too

Because

I have a thought on a page
Oh its making me crazy
Wondering how I could save

My sweet baby...

I've woken
alone & crushed
By the evil around me
In unfamiliar lands
I've fallen
In deep dreams of despair
Where no one
Was reaching for my hand
Where I could not stand
I have lost
Sqaundered & regretted
But no more
I am found
Not by those who love me
Not by those who don't
i have found me
I had to stop seeing
The darkness first
I had to concentrate
With everything in me
To find the light
I created
I've had to run the race with demons
To win me back
From the despair
And child did it want me
It tried to keep me
With words
Promises of no pain
the despair snatchedme
With lies that I better right there
It promised me an ending
To the evils placed upon myself
Despair lied.
All its promises
Were only to entice me
To suffer more
it was loves lil light
That pinhole peeked thru
Loves light spied in mine eye
Even when it closed with tears
Thru it love shined
And when I
Raised my head
From the evil
That had my grasp
Thru loves light
Spread over me
Lifted me thru the despair
Washed away
The tar the evils
Spattered me with
Thru such very small words
I heard them
In my deafness screaming
"I need her life, to continue on,
I need you to shine"
Thru loves lil light
That shined
Pinhole in mine eye
I saw the tiny hand
That pushed thru the despair
As if it were only air
Holding me there
And when loves hand
Touched me
I felt all the people
I lost
And the ones still out there
Then loves hand
Touched my face
And reminded me of my own
Beauty that the world
Was desperate for me to share
I remember this time in my life
The blood on the floors
Empty pill bottles scattered
The tears of pain
And the screams
Oh the screams
I remember them clear
I tremble even now
From that time
I fear its grasp every second
Mostly because I dont know
Exactly how it got
a hold of me
Love has no longer
Let me be scared
Love has brought me thru
To you
To share
Loves pinhole of light
To shine in your eye
To make you aware
I'm desperately holding
out mine hand
Thru your despair
Thru your pain
Thru your loss
Thru love saving me
I did not know then
Thru love I was brought
To reach Thru to you
What saved me
I love and I care...

"AGoddessOriginal"
6-6-2011

Oh he was crying like he should've cared
It was tight ropes and white coats
And she was screaming like he wasn't there
It was old souls and a cold nose

There wasn't much that she could do from there
It was tight ropes and white coats
They were turning her fast in her chair
It was all she could to keep from being good
There tight ropes wrapped around her face
Old souls screaming out her name
White coats chasing her veins oh
With tight ropes and white coats
He was crawling deep in the ground
Hopeing pleading maybe he's found
The only one who ever let him out
But she was wrapped tight and all alone
He should've never left her to her own
He finally found her deep in the earth
Wrapped in white coats with tight ropes
He thought to free her stumbled on no
If he released her oh where would she go
How much longer could keep her in
Tight ropes with white coats
Bleeding seething all alone
So ******
She was all wrapped in tight ropes
They were all standing in white coats
Discussing how much candy she could hold
Before they would have to carry her home.

Dont compare your life
With mine with her
How could you dare
You think it was easier
i was a bad kid
Whi never had a stable home
Was molested, detested
Cuz I was too young to be left alone
Mistreated, beaten
but i was rotton
For no reason at all
13 yrs old forgotton
Juvenile hall
Very few loved me
Hated by all
Like i asked to be here
i made this call
Then when someone
Did have love for me
smiled at my success
She made sure i felt
Unwanted and a worthless mess
Even when she was given the tools
For her and I to make amends
She choose to toss them aside
like i was a means to an end
I couldnt of felt more abandoned
And so a wall was built
Of course i left
Why would i stay
So i could continue
To be treated this way
She didnt miss me at all
those were their best years
Everyone was so happy
When i wasnt there
Why do you think
I feel its better this way
When she died
All ties vanished away
I dont neeed her parasites
Take on her worries
Her problems
In this life.
If she did so right by you
Go   be    hurry
Do what you do
Im not sorry
For leaving that way
I will neber be back
There is no someday
Very few things
That were good
happened to me there
So for the life of me
I dont see how you compare
Also your father
Couldnt stand me
And nor i him
Like i needed
Another alcoholic screaming
His drunk slurs again
That ***** was crazy
If she thought it was happening
Thats why at 14 yrs old
Me and nana lived alone
just on the other side of town
Oh where was precious mother
no where i was found
Now think about that
And tell me how you compare
Cuz she didnt fall through
For a while ******* year
the only reason she knew
I was pregnant
Cuz she would gossip
With ******* who were ignorant
Not cuz she tried to be around
Ask our dear brother he will tell
how much effort she roused
Think i felt abandoned and alone
That poor kid oh my god
He was left with schizophrenic soul
Cuz it was too much for her
To be provided for on a silver platter
ridiculous and so low.
So dont come to me with your mess
Of how lessyou feel
Without me in your home
You dont know what your saying
Less then half my age
And trying to make me change
All cuz we came from the same hole.

You got no love for me
Your just a sick and twisted
Vicious circle
Smothering
Thats not love
You bring
Its hypnotic
Pull at my heartstrings
Brainwashing delusionaly
Leave me screaming at your
Name
How bad you hurt me
Thats not love you bring.