if only you knew
how many nights i stay up
dreaming about you
there are so many beautiful things to write about
but why do i always choose you?
the sad thing is, is that i would do anything for you, but you wont give me the time of day unless you are yearning for a glimpse of my body. i don't know why i talk to you still, but i just crave you endlessly. over and over i try to convince myself that if i wait for you then you'll have to like me, you'll have to love me, but it isn't going to happen. after our daily late night snapchatting i tell myself "that's the last time i talk to him," but a little voice in the back of my head always says "but what if he does love you? what if he does care about you? what if he will come back to you? what if." and then the moment i see your name pop up on my screen, i swiftly answer you without fail and the vicious cycle continues on. i know i just end up hurting myself by dreaming about you and picturing the 'what ifs' but i just can't help it. something draws me to you that no matter what i do i just come crawling to your feet. i realize that i had a chance, something that feels like forever ago, that i ******* up. i've done that with every relationship i've been in, but something was different about you. my debilitating fear of commitment from my childhood ****** relationship with my abandoning mother led me to ending something that was so special. after 2 weeks, i realized how badly i messed up. i really thought that i loved you and that's why i left. whenever things are good i don't want to be the one that's left brokenhearted and abandoned so i dip. i wish with all my aching heart that things turned out differently and then things might have still been good now. i remember about 2 months ago when you had a fling with a girl for 3 weeks and when she posted a picture of you and her i cried until i couldn't breathe. in reality i've bawled my eyes out about you so many times i can't keep track, when i never cross your mind. i just end up feeling like i will never be good enough. i wish now that i wasn't laying here at 3am wishing away my unrequited love.
my 3am rant
'be careful! bees with honey in their mouths, have stings on their tails'
as i read this, i can feel the truth radiating off of those words
i realize how in this world there are people who will be kind to you and pretend like they care about you
but in reality they are just waiting for the perfect moment to sting you in the back
you are different
it's like the life has been drained out of you
like wine from a broken bottle
you never smile anymore
only unadorned faces
i haven't heard you laugh in so long
not even your little chuckle that gets me rolling
it's like you are a completely new person
and i don't like it
you're not the person that i once knew
so, who are you?
never again will i be able to see your warm smile on a cold winters night
i wont be able to hug you and smell your sweet aroma
not being able to dance with you at midnight
you left me and i will never again get the time back that i spend wondering
what it would be like if i could do this all over again
when i look at old pictures of you
all of the memories come flooding in
the meaniful conversations
and the adventures we had
i can remember your mischievous looks,
but you will never look at me that way again.
as i drift off to sleep thinking of our past selves,
i wonder if we will ever meet again