"There was something about that boy,"
she said, and I could feel her words
creep into my brain and pull at my heart,
they hit close to home, "he could make
anyone feel special, you know?
It was like his smile had the power
to make or break a person,
and he built me back up,
he put the pieces together
and made me whole again
with just that smile.
I swear it."

Her eyes were far away then,
and I imagined this one boy
taking her hand and making everything okay.
"All I've ever gotten from love is trouble,"
I say, thinking about my latest failed
attempts at living a fairytale with
a boy that had puppy dog eyes
and a wolf's bite, a pearl-white smile
that turned to snake fangs at night.

But this boy she talked about,
--with so much love in her voice,
so much joy behind her eyes,
so many memories in her brain
that I can almost see them,
I am almost a part of them--
everything about him must
have been beautiful


and that's exactly what I want.

I think I started writing you away before you were gone
I wanted to make sure I could let you go before I did
I wanted to feel numb when I pushed you away
so I wrote
I put you on pages,
typed chapter titles for every single time you looked at me
I wrote until you were a novel,
read you until you were no longer novel,
and put you on a shelf so I could start waiting to forget about you,
a memory trapped in unused synapses

and after I shut your final chapter
but before your pages had started to collect dust,
I realized what I had done
See, I had taken each word from within me,
harvested my heartstrings, plucking them and mixing them to make ink,
The pieces of you I kept in my heart
sat as words on a page, aging
while my heart, once strong, felt too empty
and cavernous to beat under the weight of the sigh pinning down my chest

In all of my preparing
I had forgotten that I am human

I forgot feelings aren't like a fountain
there's no faucet you can turn off to keep them from
running through your mind
no way to stop them from flowing
back through your mouth when you try to
swallow them, mixed with ***, in your best friend's basement,
days after you forgot that you can't turn off a rainstorm
you can try to catch the raindrops in a bucket
but the bucket you'll need is big enough to drown in
you can try to hold out an umbrella
but if the wind is hard enough
you're still going to end up cold and dripping,
tearstained and shivering
waiting until the sun comes out

I forgot that I can't control the weather,
or anything other than myself for that matter
The end of a storm doesn't equate to the appearance of a rainbow

I realized that just because my fingers twisted around yours until
they melted together doesn't mean you'll forgive me
and that you left tattoos on me that only time will fade
and we're both going to be mad
I found out that
every song that ever reminded me of you doesn't cease to exist
I have to re-watch movies because they're different now, somehow,
and just because my hair is probably still all over your clothes
and I talked to you every day
and you gave me months of memories
and thinking about you is gut-wrenching
doesn't mean that I won't spend days praying for patience
and hoping for healing because
***** it, letting you go doesn't mean I don't miss you

My teeth dig
Into my bottom lip,
And the sound hisses,
Finding the space between
My teeth
ffffffffffff
My mouth opens,
My jaw lowers,
The space between my lips
Is a lemon-shape,
My mouth open in surprise,
uhhh
And my tongue jumps
To meet my teeth,
To make that harsh sound,
Not exactly a scoff,
But somewhere close
kkkkkkkk
And the word falls from my mouth,
And it burns the ears of some,
But to others,
It tastes like candy

the girl took a long shower

she scrubbed until her skin turned red under the too-hot water
she scrubbed so she could feel clean again
she scrubbed away his fingerprints and his warm breath on her neck
but when she had scrubbed away her outermost layer
and stepped into the cold air
waiting to be the old her again
she still felt wrong
instead of clean she was raw
every inch of her skin fire, every nerve ending feeling too much
she climbed back into the water
she started again
she scrubbed so she could feel the same as before

the time never came

to smile like that,
you ******* Cheshire cat,
your lips curled up
as you lounge in the grass,
your legs sprawled out,
your face painted every
shade of smug
because I want to kiss you
(and you know it)
because I want to **** you
(I hope you know that)
for ruining roundhouses
with weak knees
for turning my right hook
into my right hand on your chest
as you pull me in closer
you turned my (occasional) quick wit
into pure aphasia
brought on by your all-consuming gaze
and I'm left awkward and dumbstruck,
wondering who gave you the right
to look at me like *that

When you talk to other girls,
I am terribly afraid you'll fall in love with them
instead of me.
I want to laugh at all of your jokes,
just so you'll realize that I appreciate you.
I am desperately trying to get you to talk to me.
I can say all I want but
one-sided conversations won't last long.
I've wished a dozen times that
you would take me to the movies.
I'm hoping you will somehow decide that
you need me in your life.
I am enamored with you,
but I'm too afraid to say it.

I want to tell you not to make my mistake.
I want to tell you not to build walls. You pick up brick by brick, hiding yourself in the structure you've created. You feel safe until you realize you are left alone, trapped in the cage you built to be a home, standing in darkness and suffocating among walls that won't reach out to help you.
I want to tell you I understand.
I want to tell you that I often draw up blueprints for my home. When the world gets too close to me, I sketch tall ceilings above strong walls. I plan elaborate architecture. I sketch large windows that allow for sun-drenched rooms and put details on tall towers until I have a magnificent mansion, knowing all along that it's just a clever disguise for the cage I must never let myself enter. Once you go in, it's very hard to break down the walls.
I want to tell you to give up your bricks.
I want to tell you that you will feel better when you let them go. When things are hard, your hands will twitch until you grab your drafting pen, you'll still set out sheets of paper and start thinking about your walls, but you'll feel better knowing you're only making plans. I know the bricks are heavy, but you don't have to move them alone. I want to tell you to ask for help.
I want to tell you to let Him carry them away.
I want to tell you to let them go.
I want to tell you to stop pretending.
I want to tell you everything will be okay.
I hope you can hear me through your walls.
I don't think you can.

Baby, I have a hurricane of hair
and a storm behind my eyes
and one hand on my hip,
ready to fight for my beliefs.
But I wouldn't mind
if you'd be my sunshine,
kiss the lids of my eyes,
I'll take my hand off my hip,
put your hands on my thighs,
I'll let the anger slip away, if just for today
so I can recite for you
my prettiest poetry
in between cinnamon kisses
and tell you stories that I heard
in the rustling of trees on a breeze
and maybe it's too much that I want
to know all of your everything,
but I'm imagining moonlit dancing
and lazy days spent listening to music
and walking through new cities, hand in hand.
We could have it all, baby,
let's just give it a chance.

Eleanor lives in house number three
And walks through her garden there
It's the place where she always wants to be.

There's a swing outside hanging from the tree
That she and her neighbors share,
Eleanor who lives in house number three

Eleanor and her friends squeal with glee
As they take turns flying through the air
It's a place where they always want to be.

As she swings she imagines what it's like to be free
And to live a life without any cares
In a world away from house number three

She tried to beg and she tried to plea
Now children only play there on a dare
It's a place where no one wants to be.

Eleanor tried her best to flee
But he caught her by the hair
Eleanor lived in house number three
And that's where her soul will always be.

I may not love
All of your favorite movies,
But I think you're incredibly dorky
And I would still love to be yours

I should tell you...
there's always music
right here,
between my ears

it never stops
-- but sometimes it changes,
like when I see you

it picks up the pace
my heart is it's rhythm,
and it's a fantastic new song
--loud and strong,
beautiful and happy--
that makes me stand up
and dance around
twirling
circles and circles
until I fall down again

I want to live in the
Hollow just above your collar bone
I'd like to leave all of my kisses
On your neck,
In the space just below your ear
I'd wake up just to watch
Your eyelids dance in your sleep
if only you'd give me the chance

I am trying too hard to be a deadly fire
or an unspeakable storm,
I am trying too hard to be angry
and unlovable
though I know I am neither
I am trying too hard
to be chaotic and indestructible
trying to create coldness and bitterness
even though I know that flaws are human
and unconditional love exists.
There is artful beauty in the aftermath of mistakes,
you just have to find it.

lay with me on the lawn
when it's too hot to move
and silently soak up the sunlight

dance with me while moonlit
to your favorite song
as the stars shimmer in our eyes

love every part of me,
speak to me in poetry,
and never let me go

your smile sunk its teeth into my brain
and I can’t get them out
I think about you in that way all the time,
as hard, little pieces of the bigger picture,
embedded in different parts of my memory
that appear when they please

I feel your arms around me before sleep hits me
I see your smile when you tell me good news
I hear your aching heart beating when you’re upset

these are the things embedded in my brain like teeth
the smile you buried in my memories

I’m ******* terrified

every piece of you I find in my life is just a small remnant of you
but every piece of you embedded in my skin, my hair, my personality
leaves a hole when you take it away

you’re quickly replacing my framework,
filling my bones with your mannerisms and laughter and niceties
and breathing life into me so that just that smile can warm every inch of me

but what happens when you’re gone?
what happens when your laughter leaves and bitterness breaks in and rips holes in the whole person you made me?
when sorrow pours into the gaps, do I suddenly sink and drown under its weight?
does it attack what’s left of me?
do I crumble until I am two inches tall, the person I was before you built me up?

there are pieces of you embedded in my memories that will leave holes when they’re gone
I try not to think of all the ways I will try and fail to replace them
even stitches leave scars

I am ******* terrified

My friend asked me about my conversation with you today.
I told her you must have run over me with a truck.
She was confused, and I explained that you left me speechless.

I've heard it's like time stopping.

the world becomes a blur
and everything seems so
insignificant

I want it to be more.

Have you ever walked outside,
to find yourself walking around
inside a life-size snow globe?
Not a blizzard, mind you,
but a snow globe.

the biggest, most beautiful flakes
drift down slowly, and,
as if they're savoring the ride,
rest on your coat,
your scarf, your eyelashes,
they adorn your hair

You stand there and take it all in,
and when the air is quiet,
life is a movie for just a few seconds.

everything is in slow motion,
and you hate the fact
that you have to go inside,
to the noise,
to real life

That's what I want
when I kiss you
-- a breathtaking moment
that's better than the movies.

Please take note:
1. Give your heart to the boy with the crescent moon smile. Make sure it appears whole and perfect.
2. When he breaks it, tell him it's only a scratch. Polish it and hand it back to him with a smile. Do not hand him the magnifying glass. Do not let him see all of the other cracks. He has too many of his own, and you'll spend your time wishing you could fix them.
3. When someone lets you see the rough edges of themselves where the seams have been ripped and re-sewn, give them a hug and a smile and tell them that they are loved, tell them that you will listen. Talk to them like you would talk to yourself. To do this you will need to pretend you are normally honest with yourself. Do not ask them why it happened -- it is over now. Do not try to erase the scars -- they are there for a reason. They are scars for a reason. The body has healed them. Do not try to fix something that has healed. You will say too much and regret it.
4. When the boy asks you if you are upset tell him yes. Your smile is not strong enough for him to believe it. Do not tell him why you are upset. You are too strong to let it leave your lips. Do not let the cracks show.
5. If you are afraid or upset or lonely, write it down. Your words will seem silly in the broad light of day, but the feeling of pen on paper or fingers on keys will put you at ease. Let yourself be at ease. Listen to something beautiful and let yourself get sleepy. Let whatever emotion you are feeling come out as a sigh before you shut your eyes. Let sleep and music and words written be the charms that keep it away. Breathe out. Do not let the cracks show.
6. When you cry at something that should make you smile and your friends look at you like you're crazy do not explain. Tell them that you just can't contain your happiness. Do not tell them the way your heart feels hard and heavy in your chest and that the gift they sent you or compliment they paid you took the burden of hiding your emotions from your face just long enough for your eyes to let a few tears escape. They will not understand. Do not let the cracks show.
7. Finally, when you are alone and the door is closed and every living soul is gone and every emotion is pushing on the cracks from the inside out, let yourself be broken. Pour sadness and anger and hurt on the floor like a broken glass pours out wine. Look at everything you have spilled. Feel the shame from the first time you were broken and then feel nothing more. Grab a mop and clean the floor. Grab a towel and take a bath. When you are empty and naked and still alone, pick up each piece of yourself from the floor. Glue them together and smooth the seams away. Paint them to match your skin and polish them until they can't be seen. Get dressed. Fill yourself with food, music, writing, and smiles. Do not let the cracks show.

Looking back
At your black and white photograph
You were sweet
Like candy
Young and innocent
Funny, with hope left,
A half smile cracked on your face,
Always teasing,
Trying to fit in

It wrenches my heart
To see you that way
Because I miss him,
The boy you were then

It's painful to think what I'd
See in your face today,
Goonish smile,
Like a grotesque clown,
Eyes half-opened,
Mind half-awake,
Not quite enough anymore

Looking now
At your far-away eyes
I would see only half
Of the boy that used to be

Sometimes it's a murmur,
an angry whisper,
under your breath,
when the impatience
mixes with silence and
makes the air too thick
to really talk
****

And sometimes it's out loud,
when the anger has turned to flames,
no longer pressing in on your head
but being rejected from your body
in an attempt to cool it
before you
explode,
scream,
punch,
I don't give a ****.

And it's gone,
and it's better,
and somehow,
it's much better
than simply
breathing and
i m a g i n i n g
your problems away

Let me tell you about a girl I know

She lives in a brick house,
But her mind's encased in one-way glass
She can see through others,
But she rarely says what she's thinking

She drinks to feel free
But finishing the bottle doesn't make the boys love her
It just breaks the rules,
Something that is all too ordinary,
all too easy for her

You want to believe that she's dependable, she's responsible,
But her only certainty is her constant lies

As smart as she is,
She finds herself in the middle--
Caught in someone else's game-- all too often

She's never without a joke or prank,
Wears them like sunglasses
So that no one can see the emotions behind her eyes

She's begging for security
She's a liar, a manipulator,
A girl starved for something real

And she won't let herself have it

I'm too confused to turn my thoughts into poetry so I let them mix together like paint until I make a nasty, muddled mess. I'll glop them on a canvas and call it "Love, I Guess." I'd like to crack your skull open so you can feel this raw. Then I'd fill your head with termites and watch them as they knaw. I want you to feel helpless so you can understand why I'm so breathless. Why am I so loveless? Why am I so hopeless? Just feel nothing and everything all at once, or, rather, everything and do nothing about it. Maybe I'll feel nothing so I can do everything wrong. I'll dance a dance or sing a song and let rain fall around me without covering my hair because I just don't care anymore. I just don't care. I'm in like and love and hate and jealousy and loneliness and an unfailing passion to have everything I've never had before. Crack my head open and take out my limbic system. Let me be numb. Take out the memories. Let me be dumb. Clean it all off and put it back in. Let me feel whole again.

in summer,
steel-hearted girls
play dress up,
hiding fears
in secret parts of their souls,
swallowing keys
to unvoiced thoughts,
and swearing
to keep their lips sealed tight

in summer,
steel-hearted girls
play dress up,
searching for the
perfect disguise

I had always thought I was seamless until now
that my skin was smooth
that you couldn't see the lines of my personality,
only where they should be

but the other day I could swear you pulled a string off my shoulder
and it never stopped unraveling
I'm quickly falling to pieces
just a pile of thread where there once was cloth

I'm just a pile of wool thread that used to be a beautiful sweater.

You unravel me
and I can't make it stop.

I'm a mess
And I'm 99.99% sure there's
A rope tied around my heart because

Why else would my chest feel so heavy?

And the knot must be right below my lungs,
An inch or two under the hollow in my chest there.

And even though that's where I think it is,
I can't find it without cutting myself open
And spilling my viscera all over the floor.

So please, shake me until the knot loosens
So I can finally breathe again

And shake all of the feelings out with it.

your image fades from mind
as the sun sets to a black sky and
I wonder if you meant what you said,
I wonder if I really want you to mean it,
I wonder if, sitting here in the dark,
I think I am in reach of something
that is no longer there

I try to hate you with all of my will
my body fights back with
the tightening of my throat,
tries to sabotage me by
flooding my body with tears,
and twisting knots in my abdomen
too tight for rage to escape
my voice comes out in hushed tones
not forceful enough to show anger
I think I should hate you with all of my will
*my body won't let me

she's calling me with hushed serenades,
sweet lullaby breath
instructed by celestial sheet music

she is the night in motion as she kisses me,
and I am careful to keep my distance
lest she knocks me off my feet

your name is a poem and a prayer
and I spend hours reflecting on it
and reciting it before bed
whether I hope to memorize it
or use it as an incantation is unclear
I write it out on notebooks
I write it out on scraps of paper
I almost tattoo it in permanent marker
all over my arms
instead I type it on an otherwise blank screen,
checking it for something I missed before
I've read it backwards several times
and I've moved the letters
to spell several phrases,
none of which compares to the original arrangement
I've analyzed your name for just one hint
of the person it labels,
but I find no warning
for a boy with bright eyes
and a brighter smile
who once loved a girl with a now-forgotten laugh
and a freshly wounded heart
I close my eyes
your name is the sigh on my lips
as I finally give in to sleep

I want to feel endless

wrap your body around mine
until I lose myself

if only for just a moment

take my hand in yours, so that,
when you pull away, you
take my sorrows with you

so even when you're gone I'm happy

run your fingers ever so gently
across my skin
I want every neuron, every nerve ending
to feel on fire, just once

because I need to feel alive

take me home,
kiss away the bad memories,
and let me sleep in your arms

I want to feel infinite.

you're burning bridges
faster than you can build them,
making an abandoned
island
out of what was once called paradise      
  
you looked at me with an empty heart
and I tried to fill it  
"you're good, baby, you're so good"  
but my voice was so weak
and you didn't believe me
and, baby, you've gone bad

you're so busy fighting to be relevant
that you forgot to stop
fighting against the boy
with a smile like the moon
and arms like home

you've tried so hard to be tough
that you won't let the good things in
and the bad things won't leave
and you're dying from your own poison,
rotting in your own prison
from the inside out and

you're begging me
for something to quench your thirst but
I could pour you
glass after glass of compassion
and you'd empty it onto the floor because you can't bear to actually drink it

Instead you chase whiskey with self-pity
and I
watch helplessly
as pieces of my past
come dancing to life on stage
in front of me

I can't give hope to arms too shaky to hold it,
can't give faith to a stomach that can't keep it down     
     
"you're good, baby, you're so good," I whispered

but then I walked away and took my words with me, too

the way you smile
and the way you look
when you finally laugh

****

that's the stuff worth living for

She said, "You make me feel like I'm in the wrong skin."

And as he sat there in contemplation of this newest revelation

She told him about Thursday
And how he'd kissed her that way
And how it made her feel whole
As if they were one being meant to be
Joined at the mouth,
But had snapped apart and were together
Again

She told him about the way her heart
Raced with anxiety
And her fingers shook every day
But when he kissed her everything went numb
And her brain thought slowly
And the world kept turning
And she wasn't afraid it would stop anymore

Finally, she told him about the skin
She told him that being away from him
Made her snap back to reality
But she had finally tasted happiness
And her old reality felt all wrong
She felt all wrong without him

She asked him if he loved her
She couldn't bear to leave him

He didn't hear a word

"But your skin is so beautiful."

And he leaned in and kissed her.

Now that I have your voice
on a loop in my memory,
I'm afraid to fall back into
that silence that plagued me
for so long.

It would be too easy to let
it all fall apart, to let the
silence seep back into my life,
to go back to the past
and let it be.

The only problem is the pain.
Upon hearing your voice,
my heart got a little lighter
and I started to smile with no
effort at all.

To be in silence with you,
knowing the magic effect
your voice can have on me
would be almost too much
for me to bear.

Relics of you
(Old sweaters and letters)
Line the walls of my hiding place
(I may have dug myself in too deep this time)

Sometimes, Saturdays are too quiet
silence swallows thoughts
about papers and parties
woes and worries
about exams and events
and leaves too much room for your words
that reverberate in my skull

you are smoke
that is stuck in my lungs
you make every breath shallow and weak
and when I breathe out
it's a sigh of relief that
I am still alive
you are poison
sitting in my stomach
making it churn about
making it flip around
and the worst part is how you
snuck right in without a warning
you are plaque
stuck in my arteries
weighing down my heart
pushing it to beat faster
pumping it harder to
push you out

you make me hot and cold
feverish and I can't catch a break
you make me manic
happy and sad, up & down
you make me ache
I'm hurting all over for you

I could fall over
you wouldn't even notice

There are hills,
There are trees,
Everywhere
It's a never-ending forest
And it's beautiful.
Colorful row houses
Spring up among them
Stacked on the slopes,
Like a hillside in Italy
Defying gravity

That little pizza shop
is still there
The crust is thick and soft
with the perfect crunch
-- just on the bottom.
The Italian restaurant
Still serves perfect wedding soup
And fantastic spaghetti
And hasn't changed a bit.

The buildings in the city
so tall, so beautiful,
so much bigger
than anything I'm
used to
keep me feeling small,
keep me looking up at the heavens

I can see all the bridges
All the stadiums
All the rivers
From the top of a hill

I look around and think
"I'm finally home."

the Air is more than thick,
It is hot, touchable, an
entity on its own
It clings to my bare shoulders,
sticky and uncomfortable,
heavy like a wet towel
the Air is humid, and when
I breathe it, I feel as though
I am underwater,
struggling to find oxygen

When I finally climb the stairs
and open the red door,
I find myself relieved at the
feeling of chilly air
on my sticky skin
It whisks away the heat
and I shut the door behind me,
knowing that summertime is here

I started daydreaming again
I blame it on the weather
The sky is too grey 
The air is too warm
And the rain seeps into the earth,
Making everything dreamy and dark
I though of how wonderful it would be
To sit in the very back seat of your car,
Just you and I,
A lantern on the floor between us
The seats reclined so we can rest our feet in front of us
We'd spend the night sharing stories
And contemplating heaven and earth
While the light runs out,
And I slowly fall asleep in your arms

I know we've just met,
so don't take this too seriously,
but there's something I must confess:
Sometimes when I see you,
my heart does a flip,
and my muscles squeeze tight,
giving my stomach a hard hug
and taking my breath for a moment
Other times, I try my hardest to pry
my eyes away from you
they, of course, fight back,
they want to soak up the very sight of you,
so we compromise on sneaking glances,
when I think you're not looking
Still other times, I see you laughing,
flashing your smile at a friend's joke,
and I glimpse those bright white teeth
That perfect smile makes me want to smile, too,
just so we can have that one thing in common,
you and I smiling at the world
And that is why, whenever I'm around you,
I'm always sitting quietly
(because I'm trying to catch my breath),
I'm always looking away
(because I'm afraid you'll catch me staring),
and I'm always smiling like a fool
(because I think I might be falling in love with you)