Oh, you have so much power
But you can't even see it
You could make her do anything
With a smile on her face
You could ask her anything
And she'd answer with her best quip
You could steal her heart
But she already gave it to you
--Giftwrapped-- With no hesitation
And you've held it hostage
Like the greedy boy you are

She had collarbones like knives.
Her teeth were white as a snake's fangs,
And her eyes bright,
But dangerous,
As if they held the snake's venom.
The irises were black as coal,
Black as night, an enlargement of her pupils.
She didn't walk like she owned the place,
She walked like she created the planet
And everything on it.

She kept her jaw set.
She kept her head high.
She kept her confidence untouchable.

She counted every boy she'd truely loved on one hand,
Starting and ending with her *******.
She left the world feeling afraid of her,
But no one ever broke her heart again.

his voice is heavy and smooth
like the comforter on my bed
and I bury myself in it

III
In April I suffocate
remembering winter winds
and sickly sweet carnations
Holy Thursday holds
a different meaning in my home
I remember dark dresses & shoes,
I started wearing black
and I never really stopped

I knew I didn't love you anymore
When I could fall asleep without pills
My own exhaustion was enough to quiet my mind, to take my thoughts and smother them
I didn't need alcohol anymore to forget the way your eyes lit up and I can't remember how they made me feel when they looked into mine
I don't spend all day punishing myself for staring at your photographs because I've rid myself of all of them (the first one I burned slowly in my fireplace when I was too weak for anything else and needed to watch the flames lick at your face to remind me of reality, needed to pretend you had burned away too to convince myself you weren't coming back,and the final few I tossed carelessly in the trash as I cleaned my house after a party)

I no longer think of your smile in the moonlight,
Or the way your hair looked in sunlight
I have given away everything you gave me
(including the love, which now resides in the heart of a friend who lost her sister and needs it more than I)
And this letter, my once dearest, is my final goodbye

I think more than you,
specifically,
more than your kindness,
more than the joking,
more than the attention,

I miss the idea of being in love,
of being excited when I looked at the phone,
of being right on the edge of falling into something new,
of being so close to true love that I felt it as a fluttering in my
stomach brought on by the thought of you

I miss having someone to imagine about,
someone real that I can image falling for,
someone who's more than a crush, but not a sure thing,
someone whose arms I want to wrap myself in,
someone whose smile I want to see,
someone who coaxes my own smile out every day,
someone who makes the dreary days worth dealing with,
someone who makes the dreary days less dreary,
someone who makes me a little anxious and confused

I miss thinking that this is it, this is going to be love,
he likes me and I like him and we both know it,
he wants to talk to me, to joke with me,
he must really care,
he will be someone I can share things with,
he will be someone I can spend time with,
he is the one I've been waiting for
he will be my first true love

And so when I think about you,
your ego will have to take a hit,
and I will have to remind myself
that I'm not really thinking about you,
I'm thinking about the last person I
thought I could fall in love with,
and I'm just waiting for someone
to take your place

they say she was broken too early
she picked up the pieces and
put them together crudely with tape
then she built the wall,
to hide her poor creation from the world

what they don't know is that her heart aches
just thinking of the city
her heart aches when she remembers the past
her heart aches when she sees his face
her heart aches because it will never be the same

The sun is so hot
It pierces my pale, pale skin
I am on fire

I don't believe in god, she said
and I tell her it's okay and it is
It's okay to choose science
It's okay to not believe in something you can't see
because a lot of people believe in almighty, invisible, love
and end up broken by people who have never heard the word
It's okay to be angry when things go all wrong
It's okay
I will love you as if nothing is different and it is okay
but when I stand in the pews,
surrounded by song and smiles,
I feel sorry for her*
because life has picked me up and thrown me down
and God caught me, dusted me off, took me in his arms, and said it's okay
I love you as if nothing is different and it is okay
I believe in God because of the two girls who hear the gospel and smile
like they are receiving birthday gifts,
their brows furrowed in concentration before they speak,
trying to bring His words to life in their voices,
trying to bring His vision to the eyes of everyone around them,
they smile all through Mass every time like it is the best day of their lives
you can't make up something like that
whether you think He is real or not
you cannot fake the look on their faces when they speak
you cannot fake the inspiration I feel hearing them
you cannot fake the community that surrounds me
as I am surrounded by singing and smiles
to you He may not exist but to me He is everything
I believe in God because fathers drown themselves
one night at a time in a bar
until they are washed away
and families are shattered,
leaving bits of glass and cuts on wives
and half-orphaned children
and somehow those children keep going
somehow they survive the worst day of their lives
and somehow they still hope for something better than what they had
even when they were dealt the worst cards,
they still smile and laugh and dream the biggest dreams
and somehow those wives still go to Mass
and somehow they raise three children alone
and they work too ******* hard for not enough rewards
and they keep going even though they could quit
and they are all scarred by this one thing, but He tells them he has given them to each other and to look at their scars and to look for shattered glass around other people and to minimize the cuts and scrapes they feel and to sweep it up before anyone steps on it
I believe in God because when I think about all of the things my life could have been
the only way for me to forgive him is to pile each complaint like coals in my heart and let the Holy Spirit light it on fire
I believe in God because two people who numb themselves with pills, hide themselves in selfishness, and deserve nothing but the worst
were blessed with an angel in the form of a four foot tall boy
with bright eyes and a quick mind
with a smile that lights a room
with happiness that is impossible to hide
with curiosity that is unending
with everything that they are not
and yet He gave them a chance to make themselves into something better
and, just in case, he gave the boy an aunt and an uncle and some cousins to watch over him
but his parents can not complain that they were never blessed
the proof is in the boy's smile, his young mind, still able to forgive them

I believe in God because nothing will ever be perfect
I will complain and be hurt and hold grudges and never know exactly the right thing to say
But, once, I picked up each of my fears like bricks, setting it down on a sheet of paper
and I watched it burn in His name
And I felt lighter than the smoke that the breeze carried up and into the night
And everything was okay

I believe in God because if I can't have one stable thing somewhere out there
what is left for me to believe in?

I hope she finds something, too

my body has never felt so heavy
my skin has never been so hot
it takes effort to climb just a few stairs
and when I lie down,
it's like I'm sinking into the bed below me
too heavy to move
too hot to move
I am burning away like coal
but I'm not getting any lighter

He's always just behind me,
barely out of sight,
His eyes are sharp, two piercing slits
glowing a sickly shade of yellow-green
His nails are long and *****,
with ragged edges and pointed tips
He slinks around, snake-like
and silent, certainly not human

Sometimes he sneaks up behind me,
looking to stick around,
to make a bed of my brain,
to make a snack of my heart,
and I never catch him until he's
right behind me,
His rancid breath curling around
my neck from behind,
His claws lightly tracing
the ***** of my shoulder

But as soon as I know he's there,
as soon as I smell his breath and feel his touch,
I turn around, willing him away,
And he disappears...


...Until he rears his ugly head again,
that old monster, Jealousy

a skeleton wrapped
in the flesh of a peach
I am easily bruised
but not easily bled

I return not out of fear
but out of the notion that
I can wait out your mean streak
just as I would a common cold

a skeleton wrapped
in the flesh of a peach
I am easily bruised, but
you will not bleed me out

Call me cruel,
Call me rude,
Call me hateful,
But some days,
I hear you in the hallway,
Read your words on the computer,
Am immersed in your obnoxious conversation,
And it takes
Every.
Single.
Ounce.
Of. My. Being.
To not turn around,
Type back,
Yell over your voice,
And tell you how extremely,
Completely,
Utterly,
Stupid
You sound.

the sky is entirely white,
or rather, it has been entirely
replaced by clouds

in contrast,
the grass is a lush green,
luxurious and bright

the cement is damp from
last night's storm,
and mud puddles are plentiful

the atmosphere is complex,
too bright to be winter,
not sunny enough for summer,
a bit too chilly for spring,
but it's much too early for fall

on these rare days,
I curl up on the sofa
and imagine you

the chair's arms are yours,
it's back, your chest,
and I bury my face in it
drinking in the wonderful
comfort that I feel when
I'm with you

if I could, I'd play songs
so beautiful
they'd bring a smile to your face

I'd write words so strong,
so wonderful
they'd bring you to tears

I'd sing you a song
so perfectly true
that you'd fall in love with me

when I'm out in the real world,
and I miss small town comforts,
your arms will be my home

There's something sad about the spring

The birds sing each other love songs
the girls wear their prettiest skirts and
hold hands with the boys who make them
feel beautiful

The weather warms up and the sun meets
the faces of the children who have stayed inside
all winter, kissing their noses and bringing back
the freckled faces that disappeared after September

Everyone and everything seems just a little happier,
a little sunnier, a little more full of the life that left
when everything went cold

All the while, I sit here and remember when,
nearly a year ago, I missed you with every ounce
of me and leaped at the chance to make something
work between us, the chance you never took

There's something sad about this spring

I think more than you,
specifically,
more than your kindness,
more than the joking,
more than the attention,

I miss the idea of being in love,
of being excited when I looked at the phone,
of being right on the edge of falling into something new,
of being so close to true love that I felt it as a fluttering in my
stomach brought on by the thought of you

I miss having someone to imagine about,
someone real that I can image falling for,
someone who's more than a crush, but not a sure thing,
someone whose arms I want to wrap myself in,
someone whose smile I want to see,
someone who coaxes my own smile out every day,
someone who makes the dreary days worth dealing with,
someone who makes the dreary days less dreary,
someone who makes me a little anxious and confused

I miss thinking that this is it, this is going to be love,
he likes me and I like him and we both know it,
he wants to talk to me, to joke with me,
he must really care,
he will be someone I can share things with,
he will be someone I can spend time with,
he is the one I've been waiting for
he will be my first true love

And so when I think about you,
your ego will have to take a hit,
and I will have to remind myself
that I'm not really thinking about you,
I'm thinking about the last person I
thought I could fall in love with,
and I'm just waiting for someone
to take your place

he seeped into my life slowly
and it was like being 8 again and
finding myself
suddenly carted 12 hours away
to a new life, one
that feels like brand new shoes

but suddenly it's broken in
& everything was familiar
& he was familiar
before I could even drag
my heels in resistance

he spilled words and ideas,
I licked them up like the coffee
that I carry, escaping onto its lid
and he is borderless

I am walking under a blue sky
unpunctuated by clouds,
it is endless &
the dopamine rush makes everything brighter

I look up and I am lost at sea
the sky is so blue
I am lost in his smile and his quirks
& God, he's so awkward

but I feel safe
like
I never want to leave
&
maybe I'll tell him everything
&

bitter coffee spills again on its lid

I sip it slowly

the sky is so blue,
so deep,
he is endless,
how am I not drowning

April is all graveyards and hauntings
I see carnations instead of tulips,
I see your ghost everywhere

she & I talk in hushed tones on the phone
sentences breaking under the
weight of the words they hold

I wonder if you know that all I want
is to love one person as much as she loves you
and here I am seeing your spirit in their bones
and all I know how to do is to
throw rope to anyone who will catch it
because even when I am sinking,
I'm shoving someone else to the surface

I am trying to save
the bits and pieces of you
as if I pull this one away from darkness,
I am saving you,
as if I push that one toward the light,
I am saving myself

I wonder what you'd say
if you knew I'd all but
abandoned my religion
what you'd say
if I told you all of the
memories taste bittersweet
I wonder what you'd say if I told you
that nothing you built up was
strong enough to
soften the blow
and nothing you'd say now matters
because you tore it all down

the ghost of you left bruises
down my spine and on my left hip
and I wake up feeling the pain from
the emptiness in my bed

your fingertips brushed up my bare back
you wrote poetry up my spine,
placed commas in the spaces between
my vertebrae

there are always certain places
to avoid after a breakup
because they remind you of lost love

I can't look in the mirror anymore
because I see you all over me

I'd like to live a long summer just looking into your eyes.
They tell me things that your words don't
They tell me things that your actions won't
They whisper about midnight and the way the moon looks
They scream about every time you've suffered for me
And it hurts
But they reassure me that you took those bullets by your own choice
Your eyes look me up and down in a way that feels like they are kissing every inch of me
They smile and laugh at my jokes
They comfort me in my sadness
They tell me goodnight with the deepest regrets

Your eyes tell me the words you won't say
They do the things you're too afraid to
They are brave while you hide behind them
Yes, I'd love to spend a summer looking in your eyes
They are honest, and you lie

I don't think I ever loved my own voice
Until I learned to read poetry out loud.

Tension runs through me
because I'm holding back.
I feel it all around me,
Can you feel it too?

There are so many emotions unspoken
So many poems hidden and unread
So many things I could have told you
So many things I should have said

Tension runs through me
as I try to hold back.
I feel it all around me,
Is it running through you too?

look me in the eyes
I'll turn you to stone
I want to have someone
I won't have to let go

I promise to love you
I won't let you crack
you'll have your own corner
with your very own plaque

darling if you never change,
I'll never have to let you go
look me in the eyes
and let me turn you to stone

I listen to cars roar past on the busy road around the corner
and here I am with sighs waiting on my lips
and here I am without you

somewhere in the dark
she found his heart,
lying among the others in the storm
bleeding but beating

she took it in her hands,
carefully wrapped it up,
and sheltered it
in the safest place she knew

the next morning she set to work,
stitching the wounded pieces
until his heart was strong again
it beat hard and happy now,
but it was useless without its body

she set out on her journey to find him,
the black clouds rolled in,
she dodged trees blown over by wind,
she dodged flashes of lighting that
appeared just before her eyes

she was just about to save him
when she felt a famililiar pain in her chest
it felt as though a knife was stabbing her
in and out, in and out, in and out
she felt the blood pour from her heart
into her chest
and she fell for the first time
in a long time

she looked over to find him lying on the ground
and whispered her apologies
because one mended heart has a will to repair another
but a broken heart is useless in the darkness

as someone who is sometimes
plagued by silence,
sometimes to scared to speak up,
too shy to say hello,
too quiet to be confident,
someone who is,
and always will be a
little different from the norm,
for unchangeable reasons,
I guess I don't understand
why you would want to
hide your face,
be silent,
and let your plethora
of opportunities go to waste

take it from someone who has less choice
and show your face

I'm still trying to understand the fact that no baby is born hating itself and yet as life goes on people will love you but they might also hurt you or leave you or any number of horrible things, and all you can do is let them leave with pieces of you and try to fill the holes back in with something else or else try to forget that the hole is there (or at least try to forget the person that caused it) and as life goes on all of those holes make us grow in different ways than we were headed (like when people make cuts in trees and manipulate to make them grow knotted together -- people put holes in us and we try to grow around them or away from them) and we just get more and more ****** up each time until there are things we don't like about ourselves and then we expect someone else to love our insecurities when all we do is complain about them and how empty we feel (we're all full of holes) and if someone had just told us to keep loving ourselves from the start and to remember that we're all flawed humans maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when I am lying awake at three in the morning because you didn't text me back when you said you would and I'm starting to see all of the imperfections in my face and my personality and I can't sleep because I'm trying to remember just one reason that I ever thought you could love me.

I thought I had swallowed
every last piece of you
when I chewed you up
and chewed you out

but here I am a year later,
pulling pieces of you out of my teeth

I take bitter pills to forget you,
I swallow them with honey
to mask the taste, and
they catch in my throat
like unspoken words

Still,
I think about you now,
imagine your dead eyes,
the telltale sign of your
jumbled mind

you gave up
you stopped living in reality
you are gone

all you were good for
was a handful of poems,
written in aggravation
and a handful of flowers,
long since dried up

How do you smile when it feels like the butterflies in your stomach turned into termites? How do you laugh when they start gnawing at your heart?

I felt whole
without
reaching for
your hand
and
my ears buzzed
until they
rang with silence
I stepped into
a storm --
tame rain,
wild lightning,
clean water, pure quiet.

I want to sing a million love songs to you.