it wasn't anything, really
just a cashier helping a customer
nothing out of the norm

except for that flicker
just a second, when she met my eyes
hers went dim

and i knew
instantly, from the way her face fell
the confusion and pain and loss in her eyes
this woman i've never seen before
knows my face

and for that split second
she thought she was looking at Her
when she saw me

my eyes, my nose, my lips
they were Hers first

She had a high school sweetheart, a best friend
She was a student and a friend and a daughter
She was my mom

She left me a very long time ago
and maybe i've moved forward from that
but it still hurts
to see the hole She ripped in the world
when She left us all

things in life always seem to change so fast
and i myself am remarkably unstable
so i keep the little things, never let them change
because without those tiny details
i might end up someone else entirely

i know these streets too well these days
every night, like clockwork
i leave my mind at my bedroom window
sometimes i drive
sometimes i just run
but my favorite nights are the empty ones
where i don't do anything
turn off completely
just wander through the dark like a ghost

you wouldn't know, but i cut my hair
dyed it too

it's black now
and short
just like my mother's
when she was in high school
i look just like her

and on the nights that i just float
it's easier to imagine how she must have felt
to leave her kids alone like that
in this ****** world
with nothing but fragmented memories
of sunken eyes and thin wrists
pink scars on pale skin

i know it's dark
i know it hurts

it's gonna be okay, you'll be okay
i'm right here, right in front of you

just take my arms, fall forward
i'll catch you
i will always be here
and i will always catch you

i know it's scary, moving forwards
but right now, it's just one step
just one step away from that ledge

i'm right here
it's going to be okay
i'm here

your name on a screen
at a red light

how easy it should be
to just say
"i miss you, i feel like ****, and i want you back"

i hate it
i hate this

i hate crying on her shoulder
because it should be yours
i hate going to her
when i want to be with you
i hate the constant ache in my chest
when i remember how much i loved you
how much i still love you

i hate the way my dreams are full of you
your voice and the smell of your hair in the morning
i hate not knowing if you're still there
i hate watching you fall apart
i hate it so much

her

her smile on a screen
her hand on a pen
her laugh from the passenger seat

we wouldn't have to run away to be happy
we wouldn't have to be falling apart to fall in love

the music and the colors and the movement

her.

metal on metal
is it worth your life?
running on gravel
cutting time with a knife

no point in chasing
in the end it's all the same
temptation is tasteless
too tired for games