I don’t know if I
believe that being in love
is for everyone.

I see people everywhere
dying to be with their
partner all the time,
calling and texting,
love songs speckled
throughout my
shuffled playlist,
and heart broken people
thinking they’ll never be okay
without that person.

But I don’t feel it.
Love, for any man anymore.
I feel my ego wanting
to be wanted,
and loneliness trying to
fill the void.

But I don’t trust that
head over heels type love
anymore.
It’s not real.
Nothing lasts forever,
and you learn that
whatever sadness you have
inside of you
is yours and yours alone
to take care of.

You really do die alone.

I know I can’t
control anything
except myself.
And I can barely even do that.
But
I don’t want to have to
negotiate terms and services
in order to get him
to want to hang out with me.
He and I used to relate
on the crippling loneliness
we feel.
And I thought we were going
to help get rid of that,
for each other.
But it went from twice a week
to once a week.
From him asking to see me
to me begging
to see him.

I don’t know what to do
anymore.
I will always be alone.

I have a nice man.

He tells me he misses me
every day,
and apologizes when he
gets too busy at work
to respond.
He randomly tells me
I’m pretty and
kisses me on the forehead.
He almost knocks me off
the bed at night
because he wants to be
close to me
and he comforts me when
I’m sad or scared.
He lets me know how
he feels
and what he’s doing
and checks to make sure
I know he really likes me.
Being with him is like
being wrapped in a warm
blanket in a cozy bed.
He is a safe, soft place to land
and he’s all mine.