I say this to myself
one last time
as I close the front door
behind me:

*"Stop getting yourself
too attached to people.

They leave and it’s sad.

But it’s even sadder
to look at yourself,
peeling off the skin
that once touched and knew
yours so well."

i saw him in the hallway this morning,
his head was bowed down.
though i don't know what he's looking at
or why his eyes were glued to the ground,
i know from before that they were deep-set brown.

A busy, coffee-smelling Sunday morning
With noisy banters while cooking and dining
Natural gatherings with our parents
A time to fix the little cracks and bents

But alas, my father is under the soil
While mother uses her time to toil
And I am left in my own devices
Do try to imagine how everyday is

And oh, please try to remember albeit
I am not a sad child at all, at least not yet
For I always reason, not in deceit,
That my family isn't broken, just incomplete

i'm just a conflation
of swollen lips
and drunken midnights

To the boy who has my heart, if we were any more real.*

If we were, I’ll surprise you more often. So please don’t get ******* if someone knocks on your door at 1AM while you’re still asleep. That would be me standing on your doorway, cradling a tupperware of leftover pizza and a bunch of rented movies. I’d risk an all-nighter just to be with you.

If we were, I will be your number one fan. I’ll sneak out just to watch your football games. I won’t be ashamed of standing on the bleachers just to cheer for you. I won’t hesitate to chant boo’s against your opponents. It’s going to be worthwhile anyway.

If we were, every second will be golden. Even the little stops we’ll make to get ice cream cones from the store. Even the times we’ll forget to bring an umbrella and we’ll have no choice but walk through the puddles and get ourselves rained on. Every little memory will be an important story.

If we were, we’d go on spontaneous road trips together. We’ll sing to the songs playing nonstop on the radio. We’d go places we’ve been to before, we’d visit places we never knew existed. We’d go everywhere together. We’d go on adventures like our parents didn’t warn us about our curfews.

If we were, you won’t ever have to feel inferior to everyone and everything anymore. For the reason that is, you are the sun. Please don’t forget that. You are the sun aglow when everything else is pitch black.

To the boy who has my heart, you’ve long been the pinnacle of my list.
Nothing’s gonna change that. You are irreplaceable. You are worth every thing, little or big. You deserve to know how amazing you are every day.

Someday, someone will own that beating thing inside of you. She will make you feel flowers growing in the pit of your stomach. She will kindle the fireworks in your blank, inky nights. She will make you feel loved. I want to be that person.

And I’ll tell you, that’s all I ever want to be.

After all, you are the boy etched in my insides.

*The boy who has my heart.