I just want to die
I could never **** myself but honestly I don't want to live anymore and I could careless if I did die. I used to be scared of death but I guess once you have reached rock bottom you realize that you just don't want to live in this cruel world anymore. I have reached rock bottom, I have Hit an all time low. I have to cut myself to feel better! That means something, I don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore, I can't go a day without feeling in a bad mood no matter where I am or who I'm with. I could be with my best friend and having fun whatever, but all of a sudden I get in a bad mood, I just wanna cry and feel better. I know I overthink too much because I feel like I annoy people with this too much and  that they are just getting bothered by it and want me to just get better so I stop bothering them about it. I wanna get better, that is all I'm asking for, is getting better and knowing that my life won't be as miserable as I think it will be. I dont want to go on meds, I don't want to cut everytime I feel down.. I just want this mood to go away, but my overthinking about all my stupid flaws on how I'm so ugly and fat and that I have no ambition in life and how no guy could ever like me because of all these things, doesn't make things easier. And no one can make me feel different about them either which is really hard. My life isn't bad.. Which makes no sense why this is happening to me, I just need to find out the reason. It so hard to, no one gets that, my mom thinks that I know the reason but just not saying it, why wouldn't I say it?! I want to get better, does no one realize that. Just because I'm not able to stop cutting for a long time does not mean I don't want to get better, it just means I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Just because I don't wanna go to counselling every week doesn't mean I don't want help I just don't want to talk to a different person everytime and just hear the same things over and over again. I just want to get better and tbh at this rate , I don't think I will be.. So I just wanna die and not many people will care anyways .

Speeding heart, heavy breaths,
I did this to myself.
Look, the cuts, so dark and deep,
Bring my soul to rest.

Trembling fear, poisoned thoughts,
Why the ****** slits?
Fall to sleep, red on sheets,
I don't think I'll make it.

I must .
It's hard, but I must.
I must for others,
for myself, for a friend.
I need to stop this,
it has to end.
I'm tearing, I'm scratching,
I burn and I bleed.
I really should stop.
Not I "should" but I "need."

I know lots of girls who cut
and ask them how they do it,
for it's such a brave feat to undertake
but they say there's nothing to it.

They're not afraid of blood loss,
or ripping apart their skin,
to have this be your only escape
what predicament could they be in?

So simply think of a time when you were bad
and about the pain you deserve,
and with each precise, thin, clean cut
your guilt goes away, unheard.

And then when ****** gaps close up
and the healing's coming far,
then you'll have some company to keep
for it's now and your scars.

Thoughts take over
Tears fall down my face
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"I'm doing it again, I don't know what to do..help me!"
"Just try to forget about what's bothering you!
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"Its not that easy"
"Well stop what you're doing! It doesn't make things better"
"To me it does.."
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"I find what you're doing nasty and pointless,just do something to get you're mind off of it. Talk to someone!"
(I'm trying to talk to you but you find what I'm doing nasty..thanks for the help)
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"I stopped"
"Good,don't do it again"
I can't promise that..
-te