as a little girl I hoped for a love like ours used to be.
full of hope, full of life, a stranger in the middle of the sea.
the waves of the storm turned into blankets of faith and security
when you picked me up and told me "forever" and I would respond "always".

I was so happy just to have you by my side I neglected the fact that we were stranded with the tide. I would try to tell you something should change but you looked at me and said it was normal, it was nothing strange. I was young enough to believe you because you loved me, at least that's what you said, how was I supposed to know it would only be when we went to bed.

One day the waves got too high and the sea was too rough,
I searched and searched but I couldn't hold my head above water long enough. The water turned black from the storm clouds in the sky, I sank deeper and deeper, but I wouldn't let you see me cry. I was stronger than that, and I was mad, but when you rescued me in the boat you threw me off of I thought maybe you aren't so bad.

I decided I was better than that, better than you. The courage I had was little, but the anger grew and grew. You treated me as less than and I finally realized, you made me feel small because you were telling yourself lies. You were so insecure you had to take advantage of a girl that did nothing but love you more than the world. When I told you I deserved more, you were surprised by my strength, you shook me to my core but now, I will no longer sink.

I was by myself. My heart was longing for a pulse other than my own but I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of the commitment... afraid that it would go wrong again that I would go wrong again. But my heart was yours as soon as I saw you. I adopted you and you adopted me. I used to have a dog, but he never really liked me. He only laid around- but never next to me. He ran away. I thought you were different though. So I put my trust in you. I took you home. I showed you where you would sleep and eat and how to curl into the bend of my legs when the rain would hit the window on a Saturday morning. I showed you to my friends but they said you were too protective of me. Like you owned me instead of the other way around. I brushed it off and told myself they were just jealous because they didn’t have a dog. They had always wanted a dog, after all.

We were perfect for each other. We played and you watched me laugh when you would do something funny. But then you would just watch as the tears streamed down my cheeks when you would upset me. I was mad at first, but you were just a dog. You didn’t mean it. So you’d sit there. Occasionally sniffing or scratching and I expected nothing and forgave you like it was my fault.

It got worse as the months went on. I tried to leave but you’d sit in front of the door looking at me. Your eyes quickly turned away from the puppy dog eyes I first fell into. You would bark so loud that it would echo off the couch and doors and then the stupid expression on my face every time I tried to walk away because I thought I could actually get away with it this time. But you hadn’t changed.

I hoped it was all bark but I knew when I pushed you too far the bite would come. Your distorted expression that was pierced by the stinging spit that spewed from between your lips shook me to the ground. I was then on your level, perfectly vulnerable for your teeth to sink into my arms and legs and face and torso and every part of my body that I though was mine... but it wasn’t. It was yours. I let you own me. I held on so tight to the leash that I thought I had on you I didn’t notice the one around my own throat that burned deeper into my veins that strained each time I strayed too far. I turned from my friends and my self and the life I thought I wanted so I could cater to your needs and so you’d stay with me and not run away like the others.

I would see friends and family and they’d always ask about the bruises and cuts and I’d just say “dog bite”. But they only responded with “well, you must have done something to make him bite?”

I'm surrounded by statues,
sculpted perfectly without flaw.
perfect expression, perfect stance.

All of their pieces fit together,
authored with delicate pieces of porcelain.
reflecting each glint of light the way it was designed to be.

Light shines through them,
as I sit in the shadows of their figure.

Will I ever be good enough to put on display?

I am lost in a maze that I built myself.
I put up each wall to remind myself to not go down that path again.
To block the feelings, the people, the thoughts, the actions that took a piece of me.
Each time I felt weaker, but promised myself these walls would help me stay whole.

I built a barrier between me and whatever was taking control of me.
I realized what was happening again, I built another wall.

But now I'm at a dead end. trapped by the walls I thought would protect me. I have no where to go, and only I hold a map to this maze.

I only know how to build, not to take down. I don't want to know what's behind the walls, but I can't stay trapped forever.

the first hit will be the hardest, but maybe ill find the pieces I've lost on the way back to the start.

7:07
the sun is shining through the arms of the trees, casting broken golden shadows.
I think of you.
7:12
the sun sinks and kisses the horizon. the sky is painted by the remnants of its rays.
I think of us.
7:15
the sun is barely there. The only evidence of the day is the color it has left behind.
Are we sinking too?
7:21
I feel relief as I look and can no longer see the sun. Something once so beautiful.
It is able to set everyday. It rests without hesitation.
I envy the sun.
7:28
Sunsets are inevitable. it represents the end but people still look at them in awe.

Twenty minutes of watching and wait for the day to end.
In my heart, I know our love is like this sunset.

10:19
I lay, not knowing if I want the sun to rise.

Only air separates the soles of my feet and the dirt on the ground.
Up and down
and up and down.
I feel weightless and light
and then sink with the heaviness of rushing back to the ground.

My eyes lock into yours.
I watch that as you go up
Earth catches me and drags me back to her.
When I go up
I feel nothing but the guilt of you being on the ground.

I have stopped pushing off.
My flight is dependent on how much you bend your knees.
But I am afraid if I get off, I will not be able to rise on my own.

So I cling on to the cold metal that connects us.
As I rise, I make my self heavy to sink back into the ground,
into my grave.

I hope for balance,
but until then its
Up and down
and up and down.

I was completely in the dark.
I had heard your name before, grown up knowing you were always supposed to be there but I was starting to think Heaven was a lot further than they said
You weren't answering me, I thought I must be praying wrong, why can't You hear me.
I was completely alone.
no, I was surrounded by people but they were overpowered by the voices in my head that told me constantly I wasn't enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't special enough, I wasn't talented enough. I wasn't strong enough.
but somehow, I was too much for some people, at least that's what they said. Too much overthinking, too much fear, too many trust issues. too much liability.
I was completely exhausted.
I was tired of trying to be perfect and the person I was expected to be because my Grandma was the Sunday school teacher and my dad was a deacon. Put on the happy face, raise your hands in worship, and say amen loud enough for the person next to you to hear it. The mornings I couldn't get out of bed because I had nothing left to give, I got the passive aggressive "miss you in church, its been so long" text with a bible verse that reminded me to repent of my sins or Id be kicked out of the gates of Heaven.
I was completely confused.
Why did they treat me that way if they're supposed to love me unconditionally. How can they worship you but hate your creation, hate their neighbor. They're using scripture to condemn people instead of Love people like you do, God, do something.
I was completely giving up.
I was at my lowest but I couldn't feel you there..
I was so close to leaving when you said come home.
It was the first time I had truly heard Your voice. I was shaken to my knees and all I could do was surrender at Your name. You picked me up, called me your own, took my weight and carried it on your back as you led me to the place I was meant to be. You told me leave my shame, it does no good anymore. You told me I was loved, even when I was full of guilt. You brought light to the truth in love and spirit. You taught me how to love the ones around me, and to love myself.

I was no longer completely in the dark, for all You brought was light.
I was no longer completely alone, You walked each step I did.
I was no longer completely exhausted, You said rest, child. do not be weary.
I was no longer completely confused, You brought answers.
I was no longer giving up,
I was only complete.

I think I am always going to love harder than I will ever be loved in return.

I always have.

I loved you in ways I didn't even know. I loved you even when you no longer loved me. I loved you even when you were loving her. You were in her bed, in her heart, while I shivered in ours because you weren't there and mine was growing cold.

Thankfully, I no longer worry about your love. I told myself I was never going to love like that again. I built four walls around myself so that the love I wanted to give couldn't escape, and disappoint me again.

But now He's here. He broke down those walls and I let him. He came in and tore down the person I was because of the love you didn't give.  He pried back open my heart and taught me to love again, to trust again.  Sometimes I still worry that I am loving too hard again. But I stop, and take breath

Because loving too hard means I am loving him. And to love him is worth it all.