And your words settled someplace deep in my soul like bricks sinking to the bottom of the ocean because all I could feel was you and those words and that heaviness like I would never be able to breathe again. You told me you loved me but said you were tired, so ******* tired, and you just couldn't do it anymore but you figured I at least deserved a phone call since I had always been the only person to answer at 3 am when you needed it the most, but don't waste your time, you told me, you can't change my mind this time. I'm too far gone and the pills are already settling in my bloodstream, as you spoke I could hear the words getting wrapped up and tangled on the tip of your tongue because the first thing to go was your ability to say what you wanted and instead all you could say was the truth. You told me it would be okay and that I shouldn't blame myself but in the next breath came a sob and a scream, a blood curdling heart wrenching scream full of pain for no one in particular but still to this day every time I close my eyes I hear that scream and I know it was meant for me. Between that scream and those words my chest has never felt so full, like a tsunami around my heart spilling into my lungs taking every last ounce of air from my body and throwing it down to the bottom of the ocean with those bricks, and those words, and of course, with you. C.a.l

I LOVED YOU I ******* LOVED YOU AND YOU KNEW YOU DIDNT LOVE ME YOU KNEW IT WAS ALL A GAME TO YOU AND YOU LOVED THE WAY I FIT INTO THE PALM OF YOUR HAND LIKE A PERFECT CHESS PIECE BUT YOU DIDNT ******* LOVE ME YOU DIDNT THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT YOU NEEDED SLEEP AND YOUR HEART DIDNT ACHE WHEN I CRIED AND YOU DIDNT CLENCH YOUR FISTS SO HARD YOUR KNUCKLES TURNED WHITE WHEN I TOLD YOU HE HURT ME SO YOU DIDNT LOVE ME BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY THEIR LAUGH IS THE ONLY THING IN EXISTENCE THAT CAN MAKE YOUR HEART BEAT SO FAST YOU CANT BREATHE AND WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU DONT LOOK AT THEIR LIPS AND THINK OF KISSING THEM YOU LOOK AT THEIR LIPS AND THINK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY LOOK WHEN THEY FORM THE WORDS I LOVE YOU MORE AND YOU NEVER ******* LOVED ME BECAUSE YOU NEVER REALLY CARED WHEN YOU ASKED IF I WAS OKAY AND I KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS BECAUSE I ******* LOVED YOU. I LOVED YOU MORE THAN I HAD EVER LOVED ANYONE AND MORE THAN I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE ANYONE EVER AGAIN BECAUSE WHEN YOU FINALLY ADMITTED IT WAS ALL A GAME TO YOU IT LEFT MY SOUL SO IRREPARABLY SCARRED THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FEEL LOVE FOR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HEAL THOSE WOUNDS ARE YOU BUT INSTEAD YOURE STANDING THERE WONDERING WHY I CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT BEGGING YOU TO COME TO  MY FUNERAL IN A WEEK AND YOU STILL DONT ******* LOVE ME c.a.l

I love seeing people first thing in the morning, before they're even out of bed, they're messes. But we're all messes aren't we? I mean we all have days where we hate the thought of interacting with anyone else and days when we cringe when we look in the mirror but that's when people are real. When you wake someone up with kisses on their forehead they smile and tell you to go back to sleep and as you kiss down their collar bone their eyes flutter open revealing that vibrant color that you love so much and as you get to the fragile smooth skin of their chest and you bite ever so slightly as you kiss all the way across they smirk and let out a relieved sigh and they are a mess under you. Their hair is messy and they have bags under their eyes and they don't care for once because unlike every other second of the day they don't even realize it as you're kissing down their stomach just above their hipbones before kissing all the way back up right in the middle of their stomach and chest back to those bold slightly swollen sleepy lips and get ever so close, close enough that they can practically feel you, and then going back down to their hips without ever letting them have the privilege of touching their lips to yours and they let out a whimper but they've still not said a full coherent sentence nor have they acknowledged the fact they have lines on the side of their cheek from where their head rested against the pillow after you carried them to bed the night before because they are so consumed by that look in your eyes as you finally grant them the pleasure of pressing your lips against theirs and in that moment they are the definition of carefree as they smile into the kiss so much that their teeth bump against yours and it's awkward and messy but they're happy and they've forgotten about the fact they normally don't speak to anyone in the morning before they're two cups of coffee into a *** as they pull away to catch their breath because all they can think about is how badly they want to tell you they love you and they will over and over again in that raspy sleepy voice in between begging for you to continue as you take away every thought from their mind except for how breathtaking your tongue feels against them and how smooth their thighs are in the palm of your hand as you run your fingertips down causing goosebumps to appear on them and how your fingers wrap into theirs as they grasp the bedsheets and try to maintain their composure and they're still just such a mess and it's the most beautiful thing in the world to see that look of pure exhaustion and satisfaction and love on their face as you lay next to them and stare at the ceiling silently listening to their heart pound in their chest and watching as their mouth once again attempts to remember how to form the words I love you properly. C.a.l

It's weird because you can be around somebody every hour of every day and feel absolutely nothing, not the slightest ounce of pain, love, compassion, anything. You're just neutral towards them. But then one day you meet one person who feels like a rush of ****** through your veins and you can't get enough of it. You don't even know if it's a good or bad feeling because it overwhelms every ounce of common sense you have in your being to figure it out but you know you love it. You love the way they make you stay awake all hours of the night replaying one sentence they said coming up with a hundred different possible meanings and you love how they make your heart physically hurt in your chest every time they speak because their voice is so beautiful that it can't help but rip you apart and you love that they challenge you. You could be backed against a wall screaming in their face and all you can think about is how ******* mesmerizing their eyes are when they're upset and how much you love it. You forget how to watch a movie on your own because you grow so used to watching their ****** expressions tell a better storyline than the original script ever could and you forget the words to your favorite song because all you can hear is how their voice quivers on that one phrase that hits a little too close to home for them and you love it. You love all of those things, that feeling of being so high on their presence alone that you can't even begin to question it. You love it so much you don't realize that while the ****** that is them races through your veins it's killing your internal functions along the way and it's causing your skin to turn a pale shade of grey. All you can feel and think and see is them and how much you love it and you miss all of the negative things they are doing to tear you apart limb from limb and before long you have to take a lethal does of their midnight words to feel that same high that you used to feel with even the simplest hello. Soon you have to hear them tell you they never loved you to even begin to feel your heart race only now it all hits at once, all of the negatives that have been shutting down your body crash on you at once and you don't even feel your lungs being filled with fluids because you're so focused on grasping your chest and screaming why why why. Why the **** didn't I get help when it was offered and why did I think the highs would ever be worth this devastating low. You finally see that the entire time you've been the addict and they've been the drug that will ultimately be your own demise. C.a.l