What really bothers me about this whole situation is how I know for a fact he’s just sleeping peacefully right now and I’m still wide awake wondering if my thighs are too wide or my skin isn’t clear enough or my jokes are too crass or there’s some reason he doesn’t find me attractive and therefore I am just an emotional support dog he gets to use in the mean time before he can run home to his girlfriend who is just some Freudian excuse for a mother figure. And i hate that it really was a personal thing when rejected with me because when they were at their worst, he still looked other places-any places for girls other than me. He really decided that the most annoying, disposable people were better options than i am because for some reason our connection makes us too compatible, too real to be an option and now im left looking like an idiot to everyone because everyone knows im stooping to his level for him to like me and he still rejected me and i don’t understand what about me is so off putting that everyone rejects me. Did i read too much as a kid, do i ask too many questions, are my arms to fat? I dont understand what i did that he decided i was almost good enough, or good enough in every aspect except for one. I genuinely think that if i was 30 pounds lighter he would have thought of me differently, flirted with me from the beginning, and now the issue is that since we’re friends- a position only reserved for girls ugly enough to never be considered, and he sees how compatible we really could be, he chooses someone else. And what do i really see in him? I always thought it was emotional intelligence but this semester has proven it to be otherwise. I hate how i am a provider for every group i am in, i never grew up out of the eldest sister role. One friend whines to go out to the bars and i accommodate no matter how much I didn’t want to go, i make another’s dumb jokes seem funny to others, i reach out to the socially rejected and try to create space for them and yet even those who love me the most prioritize their own needs because they "don't owe anyone anything." What’s it like to have relationships where you dont live in fear that youre not worth other people’s time? What’s it like to never consider how other people are feeling when opening your mouth? I cry randomly not just for myself but for his girlfriend because she probably feels the same form of neglect that I do and doesn’t even realize why. I know i look like an idiot, but she might look worse. But should i pity her? She behaves similarly to him. I don’t think i could even survive a relationship with him, too much to change for both of us. But honestly I’ve never met a man who can match me emotionally, he’s the only one who comes close. Hes smart, and kind and values communal support over his own. But also he’s a selfish *****. That’s what i don’t understand, how can he only want to **** me when he’s drunk? How did I make all of this up? How can he tell me I’m gorgeous "platonically?" i just feel like every choice I’ve made this semester has been so embarrassing and i feel like the embodiment of the character whose faults are commodified as modern feminism or some sort of coming of age Bridget jones narrative when in reality women like me are genuinely just treated like this all the time because we’re average. Average intelligence, average looks, etc. but thats the enraging thing; not only do i know im not average, I know im buying into misogyny every time i get angry. But im always angry. All the time. I can cry at the drop of a hat because of how angry I constantly am. I hate everyone I know and i hate that i could probably do it so much better than they are. I could be a better friend, a better boyfriend, etc, and i just feel so let down by everyone i know. I hate that everyone I’ve ever kissed has been ugly to me. Why dont attractive boys like me? Am i not picky enough? Do i think im more attractive than i actually am? I used to think that my personality could carry me because i know I have a good personality, but it has come to fruition that my personality has no effect. I’ve met some of the most boring and unfunny girls in my life and they always pull more than i do. Like as someone who isn’t attracted to them i literally want to rip my own eyelashes out than actually hold conversation with them and yet boys still are drawn to them. is he even capable of loving me? Is the friend zone this damning? Is it only damning because im subpar? Is this how his past girlfriends felt? Even she was able to hook up with him, he apologizes for even considering me. Does he consider me? Has he even considered dropping his girlfriend or is that just something he says when he’s drunk? How can what you say drunk not be something you mean at all? How can you be two different people? How does your subconscious differ that greatly? Will you regret this one day? Will you come around? I literally just can’t comprehend this rejection. I was so certain. I ended a relationship after 5 years because of my certainty. I dont know what im even expecting though, dating him would be kinda weird. Is this the kind of relationship where we get together in our 30s when there’s no drunk hookups on yatch parties left to be had. If i tried to make out with him this weekend at the yatch party would he reciprocate? I hate that my literal best friend in the world would use me. That’s the worst kind of loyalty. I hate that he’s so “loyal” to his girlfriend that he’d shake me off. I hate how he’s conveniently “out of his mind” when he’s drunk and calling me beautiful but conscious enough to not cheat on his girlfriend because that would be “too far.” Why am i too far? Why is considering me so damning? Is this love to him? He says he loves me, why does none of this feel like love? I think about him literally 24/7 and i know for a fact he doesn’t consider me until im looking him in the eye begging him to stop leading me on. Why did he choose to do this to me? Why does he only want me when he can blame it on the alcohol? Am I ugly enough that you need alcohol to justify your attraction to me? Should i try to kiss him this weekend for the heck of it or will that literally push me over the edge. Will that be the final straw? I am constantly trying to prove that what i saw was legitimate that i didnt just make the whole thing up. I hate this.
streams of consciousness. a friend who was a little more than a friend but only wanted to remain friends until alcohol was involved.