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Fidel Jul 2020
On a rainy winter night, us equally as lonely and sober
Found each other like a match made in heaven.
You trying to get the ***** from me and me, just trying to get you.
We stopped as you held my hand and I kissed you.
Sure we had our ups and downs, but all I wish I could do is go back in time and find you on a different day,
On a different day when we could be together
On a different day when I would appreciate you
On a different day when I would say I love you.
I can’t deny you are the reason I cry myself to sleep every night, **** it doesn’t have to be this complicated, take my hand and we’ll surf this wave.
But all the miscommunication, me alone and sober or accompanied and drunk.
I let my guard down when I met you,
How could I not?
You were the girl of my dreams.
And at the end of every fight I cried because I just wanted you to be alive,
I was tired of meeting other personalities, I wanted my V and my V only.
I convinced myself we weren’t meant to be because that was easier,
Easier than saying I love you.

We don’t talk anymore and I doubt we ever will but in case you were wondering I’m good don’t worry,
I just...
Love the feeling of the blade too much,
How easily is cuts, like you through my heart.
I pull the handle back and let it bleed, as I watch from above, the cells of my “perfect self” slowly drip out.
I pour myself to sleep because it’s easier than imagining you moving on, and though you say it was hard, you will never understand what’s like to love someone who doesn’t give a **** about you.

Every time I cry I grab myself a bottle, and when I’m liquored up I feel it,
I feel it so strongly that I can point out the pain,
Don’t save me from myself, I’ve always been fine on my own.

I wish I could hold you one last time before I forget what’s like to love,
And don’t worry,
You always thought I drank too much,
You and my doctor both,
But I realized drinking won’t **** me, loving you will.
Fidel Feb 2020
I’m falling apart

Messing with use
Inducing your friends to let go
Saying clouds were dark
Saving lives never let you save yours

You could never save me from doomsday
Or even worse save me from myself
Until you loved me that is...

Had another smoke when your name came up,
Or maybe I was drunk
Either way you haunt me everyday, **** ily.



You always taught me how to heal the pain,
But you never showed me how to deal with rain.
Only in the rain did I ever notice how it seems to stay,
Calm, quiet, and rumbly.
Just an image in the mirror you are nothing but my past, now I just pray to god you leave my dreams
Because I don’t remember the last time I slept.

It can’t get no better, it’s all you asked for
Now sit and relax I’m gonna improvise but hold on let me sip this glass-
Do it with me:
Inhale— exhale,
Sometimes that’s all you need to find the answer.
Back on track like ******* crack,
Harsh ****— how I feel?
How I feel... I feel amazing, incredible, unbeatable, like the less gifted Superman,
“You are special, gifted, you are, super.”
I wish I was rich, wish I was handsome, wish I was— the man you said I’d be.

I done ****** up with a bottle of whiskey in the dead of night but everything’s okay—
Take a breath enjoy the day, light the night and **** the sun.
I’m not gonna cry, there’s a thousand more bad times ahead of mine and trust me, everything’s ok.

Bodies breaking down on the city’s lap,
They just do but they don’t know why,
So while you fill the streets it’s important to be, the rich **** your parents want you to be
You’re thrown into this new lifestyle filled with ******* you won’t ever see
A depressing ******* style where we never smile,
We paint our faces with **** and hope to god it don’t drip,
My dreams your dreams our dreams will never exists, no.
Big Bang, big bang for the land
Turn forever, hand in hand,
Taking all in all your time,
It is ticking, falling down,
Love forever, love is free
Let’s turn forever, you and me.
Fidel Jun 2019
I’ve got a butterfly in my pocket,
Torments in my head and a devil on my shoulder,
I sit along a burning house where I light up my smoke,
All I can think of is her.
She ran away,
Left me no notice,
As the rain ruined my sesh I could feel your hand making its way down my shirt
Took an opened eye and a smile to hereby notice the rain felt warmer than her.
I’m walking in the rain as she enjoys her new man,
I’m walking in the rain wondering who put the spiders in my applesauce,
I’m walking in the rain wondering why I introduced the two,
I’m walking in the rain,
A fool with no name
A clown with no face
A prisoner with no crimes.
As I lean against the tree, I hear a voice calling my name,
All it says is to check my phone
And all I see is a text from her asking when I’ll be home,
From giggles and s* we got to drinks and theft
From movies and talks we got to no texts and coughs,
From Uber rides and bjs we go to my new b
* and her tears.
Every time she cry, please bear in mind, it’s your fault not mine.
Fidel Mar 2020
I used to be upset I could not fall in love,
God looked tired at me and said,
“Here you go then.”
He gifted me an angel, an angel so pure she never spoke,
A glance stopped my heart,
A smile melted my heart,
A look just, filled it.
In a day I noticed her
In a week I liked her
In a year I bought her a ring
In two years I planned our wedding
In three years I gave the wrong girl her ring.

I can’t change anything,
If I could I would be asleep,
But I won’t rest til I fix what I did to you,
All I wanted was a new chance and the big man looked down at me and said yes,
He told me, “life is too short to wait,”
So I just went over to your house, I guess you could say I was very “50/50”
We never finished it but I’ll tell you, he beat it,
He got the girl and they lived happily after,
I left in the middle so I wouldn’t give you hope, I loved you so much that I couldn’t see you cry,
I’m sorry, I really am but, I love you.

The angel was gone,
She saw the real in me and flew away,
I can still see her looking at me, never did I even imagine that was the final look she would give me,
Like I didn’t imagine that was the last time you’d fight for me.

I never know where I’m supposed to go,
You say I don’t apologize for the right things so I’ll tell you what
I chose the wrong girl.

The fool in me could not fight for you, but at least I think we got one thing settled, you did love me more.

After she left I lost all my hopes at love,
I began to doubt everything I had ever done,
So without a hope left, you slid up my story.
I asked the big guy, I begged him everyday, “please just please give me one tiny chance more at love and I swear I’ll make it right.”
It took some convincing but after a year begging he gave me a chance so small I called it my muffin.

Muffin and me snuck around the city always up to no good, but I didn’t really care what we did, all I wanted was to tell the world about you.
Some things will never change, back when we were together muffin and me spent the whole night together
Now muffin, I spend the whole night up waiting for you to forgive me.

Muffin and I now don’t talk,
Maybe muffin will never forgive me
But I’m still just that boy,
The one who hurt you,
Just please remember, it takes a lot of rain for us to see the rainbow.

A bitter sweet man hated everything about you,
A lemon boy misses everything about you,
Your never changing color hair, your beautiful smile, your will to sound smart by using big words when making compelling arguments, and how could I not mention, your cat and your mom too.

I was a fool falling in love, too hurt to be trustful, only now do I believe you truly loved me,
Some things really do take time,
And even though I lost you, hopefully someday you find someone better,
Someone your father doesn’t hate,
Someone always down to see your friends,
And more importantly, someone your mother doesn’t have to defend.  

I told you I’d never lie, and I didn’t, I just lied to the big guy, I told him I’d make it right.
Guess I really ******* this up,
But it just goes to show you, that you deserve someone way better, someone who has time for you,
So I’m sorry for wasting your time,
I just loved you too much to delay the tears, I knew they would hurt much more in Summer.

I told you I’d always be there,
If there is forever then forever, is the same.
I miss hearing your voice, call me,
Whatever time that might be,
I love you muffin.
Fidel Jul 2021
I’m sorry I tell you to ******* and disappear
I don’t mean to hurt you but it’s who you didn’t want me to be.

I’m sorry I’m sick,
I don’t mean to burden you more than I already have but growing up you told me we all had a purpose and for once I’m finishing what I started.

I was a stubborn kid with loose pants and no pockets, meaning no ***** taken and all hands all out on you
But even then you never got rid of me which ***** with my mind because why would you wanna be with me?

Yeah I guess you must be proud I ain’t drop out but I remember we up at 3 studying so I wouldn’t have to,
I’m just sorry you can never really hear what I’m saying
On one hand I want you to understand me but on the other I don’t want you to feel bad for me.

You tell me I was God’s greatest gift then tell me what the **** does that ****** know about life?
He planed a life of real tragedy, ******, shots gangsters and pacts for me but here we are instead I’m just suffering inside. And trust me take a moment I do wanna say how I’m thankful for all I was given, I just wish you didn’t have to live this life with me.

I’m sorry you had to find me on the floor,
I’m sorry you had remodel your life for me,
I’m sorry you had to be there when they diagnosed me,
I’m sorry you had to be there to see me mad,
I’m sorry Mama,
and I love you with all my heart.
Fidel Apr 2019
My dear,
I don’t feel so good,
I death is on its way,
I will write you,
Act,
Like nothing is happening,
I put the world war aside for you
And even with explosions behind my back,
I feel so alone.
I could tell you how much I love you,
How much I adore you,
But I don’t think your boyfriend would much enjoy that,
Would he?
All and every attempt to be noticed
I’ll call you ‘friend’
Just as long as you call me when the party is over
Tell me you love me
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you need me,
But the morning you wake up,
When all my hopes are up, and I’m high on love
You wake up to tell me you don’t remember anything.
And all my life, I will just wish I had you closer,
Closer so close you would never ever leave me,
You only love me when you are drunk or drinking,
But even when you wake up and forget about my face, I will still love you silently, deeply and endlessly
Wishing
Wishing she was you.
Wanna go for coffee?
Fidel Oct 2019
You like your nights empty and fast deprived,
I can’t put my ******* phone down because it’s the only way to show you I cry,
I should probably look away goodbye but your looks have crossed me high,
Don’t taint it, I chugged a bottle to get your eyes but looked down and you had left me goodbye,
She says you are no good, to me, I love you with all my life and your love don’t love me so should I, just fly?
I look down hopeless, with no reason, quest or objective, but your heart has been redefined,
I run and fall but you are my catch so what do I do now?
May have been your crazy self in Major but I’ll tell mine was flat out,
Thought I told you I’m not good at goodbyes but I can’t just **** it all tonight,
I’m left broken hearted and cemented because your love was my elixir, so what do I do now that I am not remembered? Just go around asking:
Why did you play me? Was I just another mistake? I don’t want answers just solutions let me fix this please don’t break it.
You will never know the truth unless you ask for it, your friends don’t know me so they can’t say, what I did or didn’t, it was all just plain sweet plans,
But deep inside you had your doubts that left me point blank,
To that I say **** the world it’s you and me, babe.
Fidel Aug 2022
I just want you to want me, hold me, love me
The way you did, the way you did the night I fell in love.

Should the sky fall, the sun burst, the oceans wither—
I’ll be here ready to have our final dance together.

Sometimes at night I feel blue, could be the cold, alcohol or lack of you,
But the night you made me red, I had never been so happy to be embarrassed,
Because the butterflies, the heat and the surprise of your love,
Mean more to me than your nights of insomnia, smoke and stropping.

When the heavens fall and you find yourself being pulled down,
When dark clouds cease your air while you gape for survival,
When your cup runs dry and you see the reflection of your broken self,
I’ll be home, home wishing you’d call.

… text, signal, fall into my arms.
Fidel Nov 2018
The world is so small babe,
I’m running through my life
All this cardio killing my vibe
I was high but now I’m low,
You’ve gone too far away from me,
All this distance, these miles I can’t take it no more,
Let’s go on a trip, I’ll buy you a flight to Tokyo, we’ll hit the dojo, I’ll show you my mojo,
We’ll walk around Yoyogi, I’ll show you all the arigato I learned just to impress you fondly,
I’ll rent the most expensive hotel room to make some love,
We’ll use it,
Trash
And break it,
I don’t care about money, besides, having you is priceless.
I’ll love you to Mars and Jupiter,
I’ll name some planets maybe make some up to pretend I’m a genius,
I’m definitely not the greatest,
But fake it til you make it, apply that to us, pretend you love me and I’ll kiss you softly.
My life has been broken, ripped and thrown, away in the trash but you pieced it with some voodoo,
Now let me pay back the favor back and say I love you,
Forever and ever I’ll text you at night,
I might miss a day but maybe I’m lost within my words all because you left me speechless,
Your body sculpted by Michelangelo,
Your smile painted by Picasso,
But don’t be mistaken you can do much better I’m just fighting to convince you I’m the one.
But even after all this time,
I regret not holding you, not kissing you not loving you,
I had you within my reach
Now I’m left apart from love and hope
But every text is like a take back, I scroll through our pictures and wonder, why we didn’t take more,
Maybe skinny dipping or giggling,
Don’t care never did, just need you back,
I’ll fly you back to, where paradise is set,
We’ll stop by LA, I’ll meet your friends I’ll buy some clothes to reach your level, maybe will even break a sweat ‘cause after all you are my: deepest love my queen so beautiful.
I’ll fly you to Texas, I’ll meet your family, introduce me as the super tall, ******, don’t care what you say ‘cause just driving you around is my pleasure and dreams I had of.
Don’t be mistaken, I loved swimming, within our convos, but maybe now we can settle down and agree that down down very deep down, I love you and maybe you love me,
Or maybe not I’m prolly just tripping, not in space but within your beauty, I want you, be mine,
Forever high,
On the clouds I’ll lie, I’ll lie lie lie, and I’ll say whatever childish line, comes out of my mouth, don’t be surprised if, I just freeze and stare, because every glance you ever gave, just now assure me you could be mine, but baby I’m sorry poor choice on my part,
Just let me make it up to you, I’ll take you to Lake Whitney, we’ll chill and read,
“I got this poetry book here,”
And I’ll pretend to know every line,
Understand every word,
Whatever it takes for you to be mine.
Fidel Nov 2018
~For Baby Beast
It started out,
With what it could have been,
What we could have done,
And what I could have said,
It may be too late now,
But better late than never.
I stand in the shower,
As if my mind was traveling through time,
Creating new puzzles and challenges,
That fulfill my nights.
What once was,
Will never once be again.
I stand and think,
As water drips down my neck,
I remember of those rides,
When it was raining outside,
And I looked through my window to the sound of Dejavu,
Just imagining what I could be.
Long cold thoughts,
For my body to feel relieved of the pain.
Long burning waterfalls,
For my body to never love again.
I once heard that we make our own luck,
At the time it sounded nice,
I tried saying it a couple of times,
But never came out the same,
Sometimes it was for help,
Sometimes it was for knowledge,
And sometimes it was the answer.
I walked in the shower,
Loud voices screaming to the sound of Lund,
I closed the doors and the storm started,
The ceiling was the cloud,
The shower was the rain,
My fears turned into acid,
As my tears turned into steam.
I remember feeling my stomach crumble,
My hands shaking,
Eyes sweating,
I hit the door the first time,
The second, she came into my mind,
It felt so real, so real that I could hear her laugh,
Begging me to hit her,
But crying for me to help her,
How could I hit such a beautiful being?
I want my voices to be heard,
Want my screams to be considered,
Want my sweat to be seen,
And want my poetry to be read.
Sometimes I swallow my own nothing,
Feel the emptiness bouncing,
Feel the guard calling,
I created my own little world,
For those who fear,
To escape and explore,
The beauty of my mind,
I see, a clearer world,
With no belongings and no money,
Simply a pen and paper,
A world with no rulers,
A world in which you feel,
The same old sad stories,
But with a happy ending,
With the dead walking freely,
And their causes flying swiftly,
With a pretty bird by my side,
And a bright blue sky that cries.
As I walk through the main forrest, I see a very tall hill,
And so I walk and climb,
For him to be satisfied.
As I approach the top,
I hear a familiar voice,
That sounds like the one,
But screams like the two.
My mind is now back to the lab,
Where thoughts come and go,
Water keeps dripping,
And tears keep sounding fake,
This so called shower,
The one in which I sigh,
For my life to become so high,
That no shall be capable to buy.
I now stand, one thousand feet in the air,
Yet still hear Broken being sung,
I once again, open my eyes,
And check the time for answers,
Dry myself and walk,
As now I face a detective,
“Why the long showers, my dear?”
Well, that’s where my mind finds peace.
Fidel Feb 2019
The streets are frozen but I’ll drive to hug you tight,
The wind blows me dry but your presence heats me fine,
I’ll walk under the showers of this wet snow, just to cuddle you up in bed and help you be alright.
And after every ride you would jump on me whispering:
“I missed you I missed you where have you been?”
You told me even if I tried I would never catch my tail but,
Even if I can’t call you mine, I’ll lay next to you on the ground just to make sure you are
Alright.
I’ll keep you company on every cold lonely night,
When you don’t feel like sleeping alone,
I don’t want nothing back, just to make sure you are smiling.
And even though your family hates me,
I wish you would just know,
That I miss you
See you,
Falling down the steps, crying with a bruised neck,
I’ll help you up, get off my *** and trace your back,
As your light gentle hair flies over my head,
I’ll hold you tight to keep you warm,
Will whisper in your ear that we are going home,
Home, alone.
I will hold you tight on the ride, so you can sleep in peace that you haven’t received,
And all that I need is to come home, oh home, with you.
Watching a movie I’ll sit away to give you space, but don’t worry I’m here just slap me hard and I’m awake, for anything and everything, you might need.
So I just thought I’d let you know,
That I miss you,
Need you,
Right here,
Because all this time I haven’t hated but loved you all the way,
You ask me when will I stop,
Well whenever you decide, to love me back.
But don’t worry take your time I’m just another guy,
I’ll call you Maeve, play it fine but deep inside we both know what I feel,
So I just thought I’d let you know you are not alone,
You got me here any time whenever you need,
Just send me a dot and I’ll rush,
I’ll save you from loneliness and make myself cry, because all I see is a little queen that needs no king,
But somehow you put everyone out to the side,
If destiny exists then let me be a servant at least I will stick around for longer, than all these guys.
So I just thought about your proposal, and yes
Oh yes
I’ll marry you,
Nothing big unless you want it,
Because besides me and me, nobody else will want to see me with you,
Don’t invite your family we will fly to Thailand, hop on my motorcycle and we, will, fly.
I’m here for little and nothing but I just thought I’d let you,
That I’m here, and nobody else, will help you as much,
So please, please please just let, me, try,
And at the end of the night, I’ll whisper in your ear, that I love you.
Just please, oh please,
Keep me tight.
Fidel Oct 2022
Late at night dressed for funeral knowing you were never coming,
Laughing hysterically as you say you can’t.
Now let me tell you something about being able to.

Self made self proclaimed alcoholic thanks babe
I used to need hoping, then I needed loving.
**** that I need saving
Need saving but you don’t care about me drowning, keep swimming
I’ve done this before and I’ll do it again.

Straight chugging ***** drowning on the coldness,
Self medicating the self induced pain,
Admit it wasn’t your fault, it was mine for thinking you’d be different

Downed every bottle I’m seeing different
Downed jealousy ily be different
Downed myself thought you were different.

You were my first everything but you too worried about whose first I was
Pretty lips, luscious hair, **** I’m imprisoned.

Three handles didn’t help forget you, just reminded me even more
Phone in my hand, thumbs dancing, handle charged and piece loaded.

Prove me you’re different, 20 shots through my brain ain’t feeling.
Show me I’m different, pills in my system ain’t feeling.
Make this different, love in my heart I’m feeling.

It’s one am and I’m still wasting my time **** drinking.
It’s two am and I’m still chasing you ******* feelings.
It’s three am and I’m still alone in bed **** living.
Fidel Nov 2018
I’ve been losing sleep,
You say you need to lose weight,
But all this running through my mind should have worked just fine,
Our friends tell me we can’t be good for each other,
But all I can see is how great your smile makes me feel I wonder
Will I ever live to see you?
See you hold my hand by the beach in Australia,
You know how much I love koalas
But for your love I’d give up a thousand just to call you mine for a second in my life,
Your love as a friend is the best, the best, the best I’ve ever had,
For that alone I want to call you mine,
Even if that includes another bruise in my mind, just another to the side,
Maybe for you,
But for me number 60 seems great, great so so great,
Because I know if with you I make love,
It would all be different,
For once and first I would love you til the end of time,

I would, I would **** my vibe,
Would quit the drinking just to see you sober,
Drunk you seem the greatest but only sober do I know who you are,
My one and only, forever mine but only sober will I know you aren’t mine,
I’ve killed to live, killed the other guy who smoked and cried to be the man you deserved but you don’t see the angel that I love,
You got the perfect smile,
Most perfect set of eyes,
Tell me what you like and I’ll write a poem to make you and live the fortune of seeing you smile,
Hugging you felt like drinking *****,
So cold but burnt me because ****, I love you.
I’ve looked from every point and perspective, but I can’t see you as the villain,
So did she tell me, you would steal me and I would never call her again,
This is all Deja Vu, because I love you but you tell me this could never work,
Platonic solemnly, not to raise my hopes and play my feelings like that ***,
Just please tell me honey, would you love me,
If all the rest was lost and forgotten?
Because even if so I would still be there, to hold you after another one played your heart,
Just because my love is real and forgone,
All because you been hurt and forgone by many that came to go and leave your life with a scar but I’m here to stay until you make me go,
Then I’ll forever be gone but just until you call me back to ask for help of which I will with all my mighty fight to succeed at making you happy,
But this is all it,
This is all Deja Vu, I feel like I’ve said this before because I would give you all that’s nothing just to make you smile and see you work it,
Doesn’t matter how hard to be and how long it might take me to do it,
I might finish after your wish is gone but even then I’ll restart just to make sure you are still wishing,
Wish all the wishes just make sure none of them include me leaving your life,
Because I brought my bags and from here I don’t wanna move,
I’ll go on a trip to take some pics,
Write a cute couple lines,
Just to see that smile of yours,
That for so long I’ve been staring through a screen and don’t check the analysis because its all a cover for you not to question.
Fidel Apr 1
Perhaps it wasn’t the drugs,
Perhaps it wasn’t the persona—
Perhaps it wasn’t the cuts.
Maybe I liked being high,
Maybe I liked role play,
Maybe I liked the fact your scars made mine feel seen.
Fidel Dec 2018
Ever been broken hearted because of someone you loved?
Because if you have, just remember that it wasn’t real love, someone who loves you,
Will never hurt you.

I could pick out any girl in the bar,
The blonde, brunette the ginjah,
I just can’t see the difference, deep inside they are all the same story.
I travel the world, I will do anything and everything to find you.
My spending habits a bit too over the top,
My friends scared I’m gonna go broke but I got the French to hit me up, with brand new clothes,
My taste a bit too specific that’s why I got Italian to cook me some pizza,
But I still haven’t met a single girl like you.
I walk through the mass, not breaking necks but turning heads, lifting smiles, seeing people frowning but I ain’t even mad,
I could pick out any girl in the crowd but there’s something about you that got me sleepless,
The sexxx, the love all too perfect for me to be asleep,
And I honestly don’t know but there’s something about you that got me skipping class just to see you a bit more or less but only when you see me for who I am not for what I did,
There’s something about your smile that got me all high,
I called off my doc
“Don’t, need no meds, don’t need no rest, all I need is that girl, never mind my Queen, forever her servant,
‘I am yours, I will forever ever and ever,” hold your hand on a cold night, I would cuddle with you but baby I need to see you smile,
There’s something about your hair that got me lost, every time you turn, all the times we went shopping for our long lasting sexxx nights in your bed,
And every time you turned with a jar of peanut butter just to put a smile on my face, I knew you were the one and only I ever wanted to spend my life with,
But there’s something about your voice that got me lying to all my friends,
“No sorry homie I can’t make it, what? Sorry, can’t hear ya, talk to you later.” And every time you said I didn’t need to lie it just made it easier for me to trust you,
But there’s something about your hands, up and down my back, no marks, no labels, just two dumb lovers, living the life, I don’t need no meds, I don’t care if im up all night, we will either be talking or then I’ll be seeing the real Aphrodite right in front of my eyes,
I don’t need no help, 
I don’t need no docs,
I don’t need no pills, our sexxx is my medicine
My treatment, forever free but it hurts because you are so bad to me,
But I’ll turn and say I don’t care because there’s something about you that got me butterflies in my stomach,
Shivers down my spine with a simple smile,
Show me why
I’m shaking, my heart so strong yet I can’t help but cry
All because there’s something about you,
Something about the way you hold me got me smiling,
Something about the way you look at me got me dizzy,
Something about the way you got me, just got me.
And I know you are lost,
I know you broken but trust me I won’t let nobody hurt you,
And every time you leave me I’ll light up a fire so you can look back and see that I am sobbing, waiting for you alone in the hot, steam we’ve built,
And don’t forget, if you ever forgive me, bring me up, I would much rather be a servant in heaven than a king in the underground.
The world is a scary place hold my hand and let me attempt to put a smile on your face.
Fidel Dec 2018
Hi I’m Fidel,
I hate salad, specially in a burger,
So far I’ve been with 62 girlfriends,
None of which I regret being with or saying anything,
I love challenges but I hate being monotone,
I love being spontaneous,
I hate schedules,
I don’t know how I’ve got your attention, but I did,
If it was worth your time it means I wanted you here,
If you are reading this or maybe even hearing this;
I may seem big, but in a crowd I’m the smallest,
I may seem strong but that’s just because I am numb,
I may seem stable, calm and funny, but in reality I’m one-hundred different people at once trying to find myself, I’m always very stressed and so I let it out with corny jokes and terrible pick up lines,
I currently deal with depression, have been for the past 3 years,
Social, chronic anxiety,
I love you, but I’ll be honest enough to say I won’t be the boyfriend taking you out to dance every week,
I love dancing, didn’t always, but met a great woman that forced me into it, becoming a great passion. I love swing dancing, something about the intimacy with a complete stranger makes me so unaware of my surroundings and my own state of mind that it completely shoots me off to somewhere I can never go back,
If we ever leave the house, I’ll always be smiling, but only because I wouldn’t wish anyone thinking you did something to upset me,
Someday you might come home and see I’m full of rage and completely mad, you might even say you can’t recognize the lover you’ve been with this whole time, and honestly, there are a few days
Actually more than a few, where I can’t recognize myself neither,
I see life as a journey and love as an experience,
Every heart break is just more experience being added to me, and not more reasons to stay away from it,
I’ll buy you flowers, I don’t know if you like sunflowers, but I love them, they remind me of a simpler time when it was easier to be happy,
Every little game, girls would play at my school, some of which included picking off every petal of a sunflower, honestly one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done,
I haven’t done it since 5th grade, and I probably never will, not because I’m too much of a “man” to do it, whatever that means, but because I can’t get myself to look back at my younger self and be proud of it.
As a young kid I always imagined my older self as a strong independent man that didn’t rely on anyone but himself, looking at myself now I rely on everyone but myself.
I like to lay in bed and listen to music with headphones on, even if no one is home, the song feels more personal and it helps me connect with the lyrics,
I’m a strong believer that we as humans enjoy any song when we are happy, but we only truly understand its meanings when we are sad.
I might get home sometimes and just fall on you, well that’s because I find home within your arms,
And no I don’t care if you are smaller than me and can’t put your arms around me, I just need to feel your body warmth there to make me feel safe.
Mostly everyday, I feel scared of leaving my bedroom, no specific reason which I can put my finger on, I just don’t enjoy it very much,
Instead of spending the day at a park,
I’d rather sit on my bed and listen to music, drinking pure black coffee while looking outside my window and seeing all the life there is,
Life truly is amazing and living, is a blessing,
I just ask that you please give in some of your sanity to walk this journey with me,
I don’t understand myself and god knows how much I wish I did,
I’m not asking for you to be my psychiatrist, nor my doctor and definitely not my mother,
I just ask for you to be there on a rainy day when I get home tired and completely drained from a few hours away from home,
I don’t ask that you cook, I ask for you to lay in bed by my side when you see me with headphones on,
You might think I’m hiding something because I’m quiet,
But deep inside my head I’m just trying to **** all the other versions of myself so I can let out my try feelings and say
“I appreciate that you are here for me, and I love you for the person you are,”
Please don’t punish me if it never comes out,
This is all new to me and in a world of pain and hunger,
I am nothing more than a crumble of bread.
I’m a broken window but that’s how the light gets in correct?
I behold every problem in this world but I’ll be by your side throughout any problem, it could be as big as our house or as small as an atom, I’ll help you with it, no matter what,
But please be aware, we are both humans, we make mistakes, I’ll attempt to be perfect, but there’s no way to escape from myself,
it is all about perspective.
love
Fidel Nov 2018
I’ve been having troubles frequently,
Laying in bed with the deep end, out naked
Battling these sleep thoughts
That don’t stop, please shut down,
Wondering what makes me stay up,
Is it the troubles?
Love?
Or period?
I remember tomorrow like it had just ended,
With the same question beeping,
Am I gonna live?
Shine?
Or die?
Tomorrow that I see, has much changed from Tuesday,
Wandering the places that were frequent,
When I had her to surpass,
Took you out the night the rain talked to see a place with my set of green-ish whites,
And made me think maybe we should just trade,
Take my place, I’ll put on your eyes and see your life, try to reside, this so dark, safe to shine,
And you will ask me:
When will you come back?
Turn back?
Or hear back?
I don’t have an answer
Guess
Or estimate,
Just a goal
Mission
Life threatening.
But I’ll ask you,
Will you wait for me to come back?

— The End —