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alexandra Feb 2013
salt water breath
i'm thinking about air or an heir or whatever you call it,
whatever you think i'm thinking cause i don't know how to explain this feeling
heart is aching and breaking as time goes on
freezing in the lack of ocean, fresh air, and sight of the milkyway
how my body craves the smell of salt and family,
the desire keeps me up at night with taunting dreams of gummy bears and the breeze,
never thought i'd say i'd miss a mode of transport that makes me physically ill,
red eye lids, and chapped lips pine for a better way to sleep due to the sick desire for some place a little rarer
alexandra Feb 2013
darkness is creeping up on me again,
envy is about to swallow me alive, and it hurts to smile,
my body is aching as if i was struck by lighting,
but the only natural disaster i have survived is change,
i shouldn't count my chicks until they hatch,
however, although i am commencing in change,
i fear it enough, to know that i can handle it,
the difficulties i am about to endure will hurt,
tears will drown my face in sorrow more than once,
my head with ache due to the loss of oxygen sistering my tears,
however, despite it all i know i can make it through.

but why must blades tempt me so, as if i was a fish about to reeled in by a pole,
drawn to pain like moths to light,
and easily saddened by a poor choice of word,
i am the weakness at it's highest point,
my being aches,
the sadness is swallowing me, i can feel it,
i try to climb the slippery ***** attempting to escape it's grasp but it is hard,
harder than most things i've had to do,
and saying goodbye to you, hit my inner core,
it broke me.
although we are far from over you are no longer my neighbor,
my cul de sack is lonely without you to come over and play,
my inner child screams everyday for you,
save me from myself!
i know you can't, it is something i must do alone,
sword in hand, blade in mouth, i will fight the darkness away,
although i am very aware that i does indeed bite without warning in the dark.
alexandra Feb 2016
I don’t understand can’t comprehend
Just feeling alone,
disconnected again
Stuck with tears in all but my third eye
Chaffing these feelings up against this pen,
Can’t seem to move or bend without the break
I don’t understand a pain that doesn’t ache
To heal is to reopen and pass thru with love
Our wound aren’t the only evidence of abuse
Physical proof often separates the elders from our youth
Stuck between choosing alcohol or self abuse
Go in search of a sweeter way to rot your tooth
Chase away the fear, and the anger
I can't handle this section of your chapter
Where you just want to avoid all the love, and the laughter
Living with PTSD
alexandra Feb 2013
a young couple in love turned into a disaster neither of you wanted, a weakened man cut down by life reaches out for just a taste of the dragon, and life spirals down from there, utter depression, daily beatings, tons of lies and painful cries, and somehow she managed to keep her hope alive.
she held her hands out like a life ring, just begging you to grab on, her only desire was to save you.
her heart stopped beating after years of loving you and praying you'd get over your self destructive habit.
she begged you to love her the way you used to, although she accepted it when you couldn't.
and when your heart turned cold and icy, hers was still warm enough to heat up a room. it's too bad you'd rather be stuck in your lonely ice box that you call a soul.
battered and bruised, you're twisted and she's confused, she can't escape this place. she's too invested and in love, she prays from help from above.
all she wants is her old life back, where you loved her more than misery and smack.
blood shot eyes, one too many lies, and ******* broke her spirits and for some reason that came to your surprise,
but you only cared went you weren't high.
the stale smell of blood, constantly finds it way into her nose and drives her crazy, and when she craves a line or two of sugar her nails dig holes and lines into her skin.
she's lost all hope, all love of life, she's given up on God, and you know it ain't right.
she wakes up screaming from her dreams,
to sooth your soul to go back to sleep, you go into the bathroom in the dark, take out the band, and jab another needle through your so called heart, then collapse in comatose beside her cold body.

©
alexandra Feb 2014
my bones hollow, old, and well used in life,
my body is reduced to nothing, 
literal bones and dust 
broken down,
thin skin on shaky bones,
is what i have done to myself,
or what they have done to me? 
nothing but a skeleton walking, 
i am.

unable to digest anything,
terrified by the guilt it brings,
a skeleton is not an inedia by nature,
it becomes one,
reduced by society,
starved by fashion magazines, patriarchy, and a culture breeding self discontent.
my bones are hollowed out, 
they have been for years,
skeletal decomposition from the lack of nutrients provided in my life.
by the lack of truth, and the abundance of lies,
force fed everything that is "SKINNY".

well on my way to becoming a product of society,
already hollowed out at the bone.
shallow passion, and missed meals,
i am skeletal.
an ode to my eating disorder *trigger warning*
alexandra Mar 2013
sometimes i can feel you growing,
just to be clear i'm speaking figuratively, not literally.
i can see your tanned skin, and light doe-eyes that reflect the sun with a whim of adventure.
your cute round face has me guessing you have yet to start learning to count,
my beautiful baby girl.
when you join me years from now i'll build you up like a mountain.
i'm going to make you everything i wasn't,
confident.  
i'm going to read and achieve and help bring you up to be you,
you'll be the best you can be.
smiling at your failures rather than weeping,
you'll be strong willed with the confidence to let people know it.
the most important thing i'l teach you is love.
you'll grow and grow and grow filling your head and heart with amore.
love for yourself because you are YOU and you are BEAUTIFUL.
love for people of all sorts because we all matter and deserve it.
love for your heart and your mind,
although they'll often conflict you will have the confidence in your choices and decisions to achieve greatness.
you'll probably end up with some of my weaknesses, as i did, as we all do.
for this, i am sorry.
yet i'm not sorry enough to really mean it because weaknesses don't make you weak,
they make you human.
you my baby girl will grow into a beautiful one in more ways than you can count.
you'll be intelligent because you will be filled with passion and love.
you will be beautiful physically because YOU know you are,
and i know you will be.
you will be respectful and helpful because you'll have understanding,
that my dear is because you were born to be loved,
and love with empower you to be all of those things.
alexandra Nov 2014
sometimes i can feel you growing,
just to be clear i'm speaking in metaphors.
i see your tanned skin; light doe-eyes, they reflect the sun seeming to glistens a whim of adventure.
the roundness of your face tells me you're youth; my beautiful baby girl:
when you join me years from now i'll build you up like a mountain.
i'm going to help make you whole from the start, fill the voids i know i lacked,
you'll always feel confident.  
you'll be the best you can be.
you'll be strong willed with the confidence to let people know it.
your heart will be tender and soft; open to the sorrows of others:
receptivity.
the most important thing i'l teach you is love.
you'll grow, and grow, and grow, filling your body and spirit with the greatest gift of all.
love for yourself because you are YOU and you are BEAUTIFUL.
love for all people because we all are apart of one another.
love for your mind, and your heart- ego and soul,
although they'll often conflict you will have the confidence in your choices  to achieve greatness.
you'll probably end up with some of my weaknesses, as we all seem to.
for this, i am sorry.
i am sorry for the pain it will cause you- the tears you will weep over such a sensitive soul
i'm sorry for the difficulty journey you've begun but it is one filled with richness and growth that you have only be able to dream of
your so called weaknesses, they make you human.
you my baby girl will grow into a beautiful person in more ways than you can count.
you'll be filled with passion and love, this will make you alluring to those around you-
drawn to you like a bee to flower.
you will be beautiful in your body because YOU know you are,
you will be empathetic because you'll have an understanding,
your soft heart will give you the ability to love and be loved,
and that love will bring you wholeness my child.
this is an edit from a poem over a year old {also located on here}.

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