i wanted it to be you.
*******, i really did.

but i knew all along that you were too good for me
so to a life of forever friendship i resigned myself wistfully
watching the way you stared at her with lustful eyes
not wanting just her body, i have come to realize
but all of her - soul, mind, body, and heart
to claim for your own each and every part
of the amazing girl who has stolen your affections
and left me sitting broken, feeling in need of a resurrection
but not even voodoo could bring this zombie back to life
because in my heart i know she's the one who's bound to be your wife

*******, i wanted it to be you.
but true to form and just like all the others, you fail to want me, too.

you told me
"she bares her soul to me
like she's getting undressed"
and it took all of my self control
to keep my gut response repressed
because i know you
but i also know girls like her
and even though i know you would not concur...
she
is going
to **** you

not in the sense that a murderer kills their victim
taking a life like they are entitled
but in the sense that your heart and soul will need the post mortem
because her selfishness is unbridled

she has already wounded you
so deeply i'm amazed you've recovered
but still you defend her and insist to me
that you know truths about her i haven't yet discovered
so i hold my tongue and reserve my judgement
hoping and praying this young thing isn't keeping her true self dormant
hidden away from your eyes in the hopes
that you will buy her embodiment
of the manic pixie dream girl trope

and you've bought it - her act
fallen hook, line, and sinker
and i can't say a word
for fear of your anger incurred
so i sit by silently, plaster a smile on my face
and worry quietly
that it's not going to be pretty, your love's fate

you are like the earth
and i am like the moon,
because i orbit around you

you are like the sun
and i am like the stars,
because i cling to you

your eyes are like the storms of jupiter
except happier because you love me i think

my eyes are like deep pools of clouds
because you float in them

my dear, you are made of stardust
and maybe that is why
you shine so brightly.

there is no way i could have predicted
how life taking me away from you would leave me afflicted
i lie here in my bed and press my form against a "body" pillow - a cruel facsimile
because in truth i would give anything to have my cheek pressed to your chest
resting
blissfully

it gives new gravity to those words we know so well
"and i can't make it on my own
because my heart is in ohio"
because i have left europe behind but i seem to be missing a piece of myself
and i feel its absence like shrapnel

my dearest friend, what can i do?
because i am stuck here, and i am without you
so i rewatch our shows and listen to our songs and read your poetry
but it's still a hollow feeling, as though settling for a forgery
because finding a soul like yours, one who knows me so well, so effortlessly
is comparable to finding a fallen star earthbound
and you wield your empathy and intuition so guilelessly
that letting you in and letting you know me was easy and honestly left me spellbound
because even when i tried to shut you out, you persisted
no matter how stubbornly i resisted
you were gentle and steadfast
and i came to rely on that

so here without you, i am bereft
emotionally destroyed at this theft
of my platonic soul mate from my side
but i will persist holding on to this:
the knowledge that come hell, high water, or the zombie apocalypse
i will see you again

it never fails to blow my mind, how two years can change you
it's inevitable, i have come to find, but that doesn't mean that you grew
sometimes change is a negative thing
pushing you backwards, negating progress made
oftentimes even unearthing
aspects of yourself better left decayed
outweighed by the better qualities possessed

in two years, i have become someone of whom i cannot be proud
no matter how desperately i wish to look in the mirror and view myself without self-loathing
circumstances surrounding me and my own brain chemistry result in my being unallowed
to see myself without thinking in terms that are scathing
so i hang a shroud over the mirrors in my house that's not a home
let smoke do the rest of the disguising
and wander through the interior of my mind, a veritable catacomb
looking inward, introspecting, and overall despising
myself on every level for being who and where I am

and somehow the hardest part is recognizing
that i have no one but myself to blame for feeling no one understands
because my demons, they make letting people in agonizing
by constantly reminding me of how well that went for me last time
but if i don't try again and extend that trust
how will i ever know anything but this endless alienation
and i run the risk of letting my emotions rust

so i'll try to lower my walls for you and hope that i don't wind up regretting
this emotional oration
and hopefully the good will wind up offsetting
any consequences of the negative variety
and you won't consider my openness and impropriety
though i know you won't, because you're an expert at expressing
how it is you're feeling and whatever you're thinking
- even if you're not through processing
and i envy
that
about you