I'm losing my ******* mind
My ******* life
You haunt me
And I can't escape.
I'm tired of running
Tired of ******* losing
Just get out of my head
That I may sleep
Get out of my mind
That I may dream
I wish I was ******* gone
I can't pretend for you anymore
You don’t deserve it
You deserve nothing
But the pain you caused me
Why can't you ever be unhappy
You always find someone else
Some other way to torture me
And some days I don’t mind
The pain has become my home
Because pain is what you taught me
You're just so oblivious
So carefree
As if you wouldn't care if I was here at all
As if you didn’t even know me
So go ahead
Press your knife harder
Because I want you to see my eyes fade
While staring into yours
If I didn't care
I'd open doors that I've needed all my strength to keep closed before
But of course
How could I do that
When none of this pain is actually of your making?
It was just welded behind walls I never thought could be reopened
You're only the spark that lit up my fire
You're only a shade
Of an entire life of being left behind
I just need someone in which to set the blame
Because I can't handle knowing in my heart
That I am at the center of my problems
That I am unworthy of you
Stepping in a circle
Wanting you, hating you
Defending you, degrading you
Where each step is a new excuse
But soon I'll lose my balance
And fall on my own
Then I'll wait there
Until no one will have to deal with me
Any longer.

And then I thought
If only for a moment
Your voice inside my head
Would find another to torment
After you said that we will never try again
But oh how wrong I was
If anything your voice became more profound
And I don’t know how I can rid
You out of my crinkled mind
That begins to form a paper ball
Of words that I write down
But never seem to get right
I've got trashcans full
Miles upon miles
Of words about you
Words you'll never see
Or care to see
Not like I'd let you if you did
But sometimes it's nice knowing someone cares
Even when you don't need them to care
Even when you just need to lose your mind for a while
Losing your mind was hard enough, however
You gripped mine with your eyes
Splitting my body out of it
Having me do cartwheels just to attempt
To get it back
But somehow
You've still got it
And now you don't want it
You're just keeping it until you need me again
To keep your head up when you just need to fall apart
And I'll put you back together and send you on your way
Hoping, wishing nothing more than the thought that maybe this time you'll stay
But you won't
You can't
It’s true you don't know what's bad and what's good for you
But you keep me around so you can help yourself when you need it
Because you know that I'd find you at the end of the earth if I could simply put a smile on your face
But that'll only matter when the time comes
And I'm hoping it never does
But at the same time
I'm hoping I can see your face light up once again
Like it used to when all I'd have to do
Was intertwine your eyes and mine
And smile an "I love you."

There I saw you
Caught by that gaze—
Caught by those memories.
I can't help but feel like you want me back,
But I also can't help but know the truth.
You've got me running in circles,
Tracing my steps,
Trying to figure out which one of us
Made this mess.
I wake up every morning
With a resemblance of black eyes
Because **** it I can't escape you.
You've kept me up nights,
And rightfully so!
I just can't see past this cloud.
It's like I'm caught in a dream
With nowhere to turn—
With no escape route.
Thoughts of you always get past the firewall in my mind.
I don't know how you do it,
But as soon as I feel the need to get you out
I hear your breath,
Feel your tongue on my lips,
See you there when I was so petrified by your perfection
On that night when we first kissed—
****, I can't help but fall all over again.
As I flicker in the night,
With never more tired eyes,
I swear I see you,
And I wish for you every time I tell you to make a wish.
Here I am though—
Caught with your ghost
Even after a year apart—
Unable to avoid your coast when sailing our friendship.
I can't help but want you to want me;
I can't help but come back after I sail out to sea.
Now I hear you have found someone else,
And I'm happy.
I just can't help but rage my tears out
In jealousy.
We have taken so many turns in our relationship
That I don't know where we are headed anymore.
We are just trying to find solid ground,
While caught in a storm,
Lost at sea,
But I love the way you petrify me.
At least that’s what my wasted thoughts and dreams
Lead me to believe,
But once my heart and mind have sobered up
From these reminiscent day-dreams
I wonder if you wished you never met me at all—
That we simply sailed past each other,
Never to sail on the same relationship,
Just simply tread our path
With our own light to guide us
Until they flickered out,
Leaving us either to find a light from someone else
Or to be left alone
To be broken and beaten by life until there's nothing else—
Until there's nothing else.

Do you not remember
What it was
To be each other’s
Am I all that’s left of us
Hanging onto the hope
That maybe I won't have to be alone
Much longer
Do you not remember
How it felt
Because even just sitting there
By your side
Was enough to cherish
Even though I could have held your hand
Or kissed you all through the night
But now sitting next to you
Is all I have left
And forgive me wishing
For you to come back
I feel so distant
So separated
We have gone from love
From first-kiss bliss
To no more than strangers
And I can't help but wish
We were anything but
I just want you back
If not in love than in friendship
Because for a while you were all I had
And now you're the only one of us left.

You shine so bright,
And yet, you can't see it.
You hide beneath your skin
Holding tight, wondering
How much of yourself you have to give away
In order to shine.
I try to be there,
But I always seem to fail
When you need me most.
I can never show you how bright you are
Despite my efforts.
I just wish you could climb, tear, break
Out of the abyss that seems to have claimed you,
But you can't.
You're so tired of life—
So tired of being left alone
By everyone who ever thought of you
As even an acquaintance, let alone a friend.
And don’t get me wrong—
I am of that group.
I watched you struggle
Day by day,
And didn’t offer so much as a hand
To free you from your mind—
Your chains.
So, you tried on your own,
And believe me when I say:
‘I am so lucky
That you failed
So that you and I might see a brighter day.’
I just miss you, friend,
And I hope someday I can show you
That you aren’t alone.
And that if you need anything—
A.n.y.t.h.i.n.g—
I'll find a way
To save you
Without letting your mind
Remove from you your cowardice to fall—
Leaving you
To the abyss
That we are all bound—
Leaving you
Alone
To the inevitable.

When you lie awake
With glass beneath your feet
One step away from breaking
Wondering if you should take it
Or cower into your skin
Frozen
Waiting for the world to end
Since your world had already--
When you lie awake
You don't wait for daybreak.
You wait until it's safe enough
In your mind
To get up and pretend to be tough
Because it takes time.
And if you take time,
But not near enough,
There's no point to give yourself any at all--
There's no point to hesitate at all
When walking on glass
Over an abyss
That will surely steal your heart away
That will surely, finally end the day--
And if it ends for me
Don’t save me.
For, one is enough--
Don’t give death gifts, because death is greedy.
Death presents its victims with a choice of suicide
Then claims it took no part in an assist.
Maybe there's no point,
Or maybe there's only one way to prove my own innocence--
Even if death isn't proven guilty along with it.
But maybe the only way to prove my heart belongs to a better being than the one it was presented with,
Is to stop being.
This glass will break on its own eventually.
Why wait for the inevitable,
When you can finally combine your heart with your soul?
Why wait,
When the last thing you could do in life
Is take control?

And it stared at me again
Dead in the eyes
But I avoided its gaze reluctantly
Once again
Hoping maybe I could avoid
Its tempting hand
Hoping maybe I could escape
Its eternal grasp
When hoping for these things
Only seemed to prove my ignorance—
My naïvety.