I reflect on my recent youth,
And realize,
I chase empty husks,
Seeking a love I’ve never felt.
I suppose I have always known,
Always seen that I seek home in others.
Perhaps it was home,
Once,
Or twice,
But if it was,
It was built in lust,
And their luck.
An object in their eyes,
And they a god in mine-
Not once did I fall because it was convenient,
It was quite the contrary,
Really.
My lust is a reflex,
A cry for love,
Not this petty game,
Of white lies I am often subjected to.
Feeding into your fantasies,
To get what they seek.
I feel like a plaything,
That sweet, behaved BabyDoll.
A pawn on their tabletop
And willingly, too,
Title upon my collar.
Ashamed, I am,
Of this toy I become,
For boys who claim to be in love.

I have been in and out of homes all my life,
Being removed after strife after strife.
I never had a real home,
And I always felt alone.
Joy was something I could rarely find,
Until you were mine.
I found Home,
In your arms,
In your eyes,
In your smile.
The only place I can find myself at ease,
And truly release,
Is when I am with you,
And only you.
Around you I am truly me,
And I never thought I would know who I could be.
I never thought I would feel safe,
But with you, I'm okay.

Our love is Red,
With passion,
Like a flame,
Lapping at my heart.
Our love is Orange,
With spontaneity,
Like citrus,
Explosive and sweet.
Our love is Yellow,
With Joy,
Like the sun,
Forever burning.
Our love is Green,
With life,
Like a plant,
Always growing.
Our love is Blue,
With calm,
Like the ocean,
Coming in waves.
Our love is Violet,
With luxury,
Like royalty,
Forever comfortable.
Our love is a Rainbow,
With beauty,
Like a promise,
Never-ending.

I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the hot coals burning beneath my feet,
That you laid out for me,
So the bottoms of my feet would be scarred.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the oceans filling my lungs,
That you personally poured in,
So you could watch me drown.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the thorns in my sides,
That you wrapped around me,
So you could hold me back.
When clarity hit me,
I ran in the opposite direction,
Even though it was dark,
Because it was safer than you.
When happiness hit me,
You twisted your words,
And wove them through someone else,
To try and bring me back.
But now I know,
That your light is a warning sign,
Something to avoid at all costs,
Unless you want to end up lost.

When I let loose the words that my heart and mind know, and they run wild upon paper or screens, the place has no value. They dance themselves free in classrooms, on porch steps, in friend's bedrooms, on roofs, in my bed, in hallways, on car rides, and other places where I need to let things flow. My expression is best when I have notes, from instruments and voices, passing through my ears. Letting free what rampages in my heart, in my mind, and behind my eyes, allows me to recognize how I really feel, and the truest things about my life. Without the words that leak out, I would be even more lost than I always am.

I couldn't handle your **** anymore.
I was in love with you,
I gave you everything I had,
And you put barely anything into what I called
"Us."

You put on this humorous face,
And vibrant energy,
Told me you loved me,
But where were you?

You threatened me on a normal,
And then played it off
Like a joke,
Like it's funny that women are beat because they don't love someone back.

You told me I was beautiful,
But you also told me to change my appearance and interests,
You also told me my scars were something that had to be erased,
And you told me I was too strange.

You got me high,
But when I tried to speak with you on a deep level,
Or connect with you,
You said "you're ruining my vibe."

I worked hard to please you,
Every time,
But you only did things
To please yourself.

I constantly told you I loved you,
And sometimes,
You just didn't say it back,
You just would look at me and walk away.

When we were alone,
You said I was your girl,
But when in the open,
I wasn't someone.

Your love is toxic,
But many flock to it,
Because you are very good
At being fake.

Your love used to flow through my veins,
It was what made my heart beat.

But when I had to beg for it,
When I had to chase for it,
While also watching you distance yourself from me,
I was done.

And like you always do,
You played it off like the girl is crazy,
Like you never did anything,
Because you cannot see your mistakes,
Even if they are thoroughly explained.

I will never hear from you
"I am sorry,"
But I don't need one to know
That your love was poison.

I begged you to love me,
I got on my knees the first night.
I begged you to love me,
I drank for you.
I begged you to love me,
I lied for you.
I begged you to love me,
I gave you whatever you wanted when you asked.
I begged you to love me,
I walked large distances to see you.
I begged you to love me,
I changed myself for you.
I begged you to love me,
I broke promises for you.
I begged you to love me,
And you never did.