Though I'm better and I will not recede to that dark place,
My mind is not without doubt.
Anxiety fills this mind and my eyes lock on the parts of my body I could do without.
I don't often like how I look,
Though I don't hate what I see.
(I may never be a fan, but that's something for another day.)
My little voices like to point out all of my insecurities--

Yes, this mind is filled with doubt.
Family and friends chitter and laugh--
"What do you mean? Stop being a pout!"
They don't see what I see
In the end, that's not a bad thing
But still--this mind is full of doubt.

My stomach isn't flat enough.
My skin isn't smooth enough.
My hair is too dull.
My chin has a bit too much fluff.
I weigh too much, I'm obnoxious,
Nothing I say will ever stop my ugliness.

This mind isn't without doubt.
I will try as hard as I possibly can  
I will overcome this.
I'm strong enough. I am.
But please, for now--understand.
This mind is full of doubt.
I sometimes forget how worthy I am.

I regret this distance between us
The length that could span entire galaxies
Something I hoped I would never have to see
When you pull--when you look away from me.

I miss this closeness we once shared
The times when nothing else could stop us
I guess I loved you, more than you could bear--

You're trying to save me.

I know you are.

You want to stop my rapid descent towards the rocks and tides below.
That's something you don't understand, love.
I'm already there.
My heart has already decided.
It's more than I want, but I'm helpless.

You care enough to try to spare me the heartache that you know you cause
You want to leave me in one piece, alive, whole
But, oh, darling--you don't even know!
You shatter me every day, but you remake me into something beautiful and new. Different from before.

It sounds strange, love.
But you cannot do anything to halt the tides.

Though you would try, this heart cannot beat for anyone but you.
These tides are set in the moon,
And I, like her, revolve around you.

Such a strange sensation
To come so close to losing you.
You say you're not going anywhere, but I know you will leave.
They always do.
Despite your better efforts to remain apart from everyone else, I see right through you.
You're just the same.
They're just like you.

I regret this distance between us, love.
I haven't quite yet accepted my fate.
You say you miss me and want to see me,
But do not make the effort.
I miss the days you wanted to talk every day.
I think that's the hurt that will never go away.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
The times when your eyes locked on mine
Perhaps those stolen moments when I couldn't tell
Your boundaries seemed to blur,
We couldn't be anything more...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
Stop the replays running through my brain
Put an end to all of the feelings that come rushing back
But I don't know where to look.
What moment in time could I possibly erase?
I don't know what I could possibly do that would ease this pain.
There's no way to know what tiny action of yours spelled my doom
What prolonged glance, what specific touch sent me spiraling over the edge.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Just a few little things.
Something to just--take away the pain.
I know I don't hurt as bad as before,
I hope I never again feel that depth of ache
But that doesn't mean everything stopped.

I see the distance in your eyes as you look away,
Something here will never be the same.
What could I do to mend this break?
What has changed?
Something will never be the same.

I want to go back to how we were before
When everything was still beautiful and new
Our long talks on the patio with the sun in the sky
Watching the birds fly overhead our little deserted place
Where no one intruded and we were at peace.

Though nothing will ever be the same, I miss it still
I remember all of the hurt you've been caused
I remember all of the small things that, together, spelled my love for you.
The way your voice could be just for me
The eyes that could see into my soul
What did you see that you didn't like?
Do you regret all of this hurt that you've caused?
Don't stop on my account, love--it is such a decadent pain.
Nothing you could do would make me go away.
No hurt would be too great.
Perhaps it's a little self-destructive--but since when did you care, anyway?
You're already doing to yourself a thousand times worse than anything I could try to replicate,
Even I don't hate myself as much as you...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Stop the memories playing in my head
End the secret whispers that only I know
I don't want to know all of the insecurities beneath the muscles and pretty eyes
I don't want to know what makes you tick.
Maybe it was better when it was love from afar.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Lose that caress, ignore that murmur
Stop the soft moments and end the seconds that screeched to a halt
The moments that lasted for hours but ended too fast all at once
I just wish I could forget what I've lost.

If you look closely, you'll see
I'm not as broken as I used to be.
My smile is a little wider,
My eyes a little brighter,
My heart a little lighter.

I've learned to live again
An independence that was once lost
It has been unearthed, it has found refrain
No more than a week did it cost;
Vitality once again flows through these veins.

I'm better, now.
I don't let the small things touch my mind
Stress has left me, something that only time can profess
I am not as unkind
I will continue to get better.
This, I will vow.

Tears will not streak down this face
Blades will not grace this skin
I have made myself stronger through ache,
Though it was a hard battle fought,
I am better. I will not quake.
I am steadfast in myself.
This is not someone you can easily break.

Is it even possible?
I still love you,
(I don't think that will ever stop)
Yet it doesn't ache as much when you're around.
Sometimes my chest still lurches when you comment on someone else
But it isn't as dire as before.

When you smile at me, my heart still soars
When we lock eyes, I feel as though I can't breathe
This may never change, love,
Even if you find someone else.

I found time for myself,
I took a break from the world
I let my mind wander
I left the old me behind.
We are still much the same,
With jokes and references galore, laughter and smiles abound--
But my self-image is much more sound.
I don't hate what I see looking back at me
When I catch the mirror's eye
I feel... almost alright.

I tested the waters with someone else;
At first, the world seemed right
We had much in common, it was almost perfect
But he wasn't ready, still hung up on someone else.
It hurt, I'll admit
But I think I always knew he wasn't an option
He was just a stepping-stone.

I discovered many a thing about myself through him:
I don't want lips on my lips,
I just want a body to hold close.
I already have everything I truly need.

It hurts, but not as bad as before
For now, my heart is once again able to soar
My friends love me,
As do you
So, for now,
Until I find someone else,
I am content. I am happy. I will be okay.
Until you find someone else.

Maybe I'm not okay,
But I'm not as blue.
I'm much happier today
Than I was a month ago, or even two.

I don't hurt as deeply,
I feel alright--
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm able to exist under my own might.

I don't think about dying every night.
Even when I'm painted in those brilliant red hues
As embarrassment dusts my cheeks,
I'm alright.

Better than alright.
I might even be almost okay.
Is that even possible?
Is that something I can do?
I'm better than alright,
I might almost be okay.