16 years
16 years I've been breathing
Or, for the past few,
Trying my best to breathe

I cling to the blade
That for the past few years
Has been my only friend

I would've liked nothing more
Than to not make it
To my
"Sweet 16"

I don't want to be here
I don't think I ever have

There's nothing left for me
Can't I go home?

-e.w.

I sit here alone,
17 minutes until midnight,
Wondering why the hell
I was ever put in this ******* world
Because I know so many people
Who would love to see me
Just disappear

And trust me,
I wish I could.

-e.w.

1 hour and 52 minutes
is the longest we've gone
without texting one another back
when we're not busy

but now it's been
2 hours and 11 minutes
and each minute that goes by
feels like hours

and I feel like collapsing
and screaming
and crying

and I feel you
slowly forgetting about
me

-e.w.

I took the first step
Today

Telling myself
I don't need you
To be happy

Because I see you smiling
With your friends
And other girls
While I'm all alone
Dying inside

But then it hit me

I'm better than this
And I don't need
An *******
Of a guy
To make me feel
Like maybe I can continue
Living

Because I feel like dying
21/7
And I don't need you
To be the one
Making me go
Closer to the edge

Instead of trying to
Save me.

-e.w.

I'm so used to
Being 2nd choice
To you,
To him,
To her,
To Everyone
It's just an
Ongoing event
Where I don't matter
Nearly as much
As the next
Person.

-e.w.

The only time
I'm ever even
Close
To being happy
Is when I'm with
You

Because you're my
Best friend
And I couldn't imagine
Not having you
By my side
Because you're the only one
That I can
Relate to
And trust
And you're the only one
Who knows
That this depression
Has taken over
My life

But you can
Make me
Smile
And laugh
So hard
Because I can
Completely be myself
Around you
And that's the best
Feeling
In the world

I am so glad
I met you
Just 3 years ago
Because you are
The main reason
I'm still
Here.

-e.w.

I'm insane.

Yet,
I'm as sane as they get

These emotions fill me up
Up to the brim

The outside always holds the lie
Waiting for the day I will explode
Making sure everyone knows
Exactly how I feel

But for now,
My emotions topple over my eyes

Making my eyelids heavy
As I keep them awake until 4:32 am
As my mind races
And my heart thumps with anxiety

Waiting for the day
When you'll know,
That I have never been okay.

-e.w.

I'm so scared
That you won't
Think about me
As you lie awake
Restless
5 years from now
Because I tried
To give you everything
But you
Denied me
And I became
A mere
Nothing
To you

And I say
I'm over you,
I'm over this
But the truth is
You meant
A lot
To me
So I can't
Get over you
As quickly
As I want
Or,
As quickly
As my heart
Needs.

-e.w.

People always say
a lot can change in 6 months
and I never really believed that until
your fascination with me slowly disappeared
and now I seem to be just another girl
but I'm the girl you can ****
so I guess I should feel special

but I feel like I'm getting ******
in more than just one way

-e.w.

one minute
i hate your guts,
and the next
i'm hopelessly drowning
in those ocean blue eyes
and i know
that we never have a chance
because you have her
and she's so much better
than me
but sometimes,
for a few moments,
i love to think
that one day
you'll talk to me
like you used to
and we could help each other
heal our hearts
that are shattered in a
million pieces

-e.w.

I promise you
With all my
Torn up
Almost-dead
Heart
That I will try
To love
And fix
You
With all
that's left of
Me.

-e.w.

"Well I could be
Angry,
But you're
Not worth the
Fight."

I adore this lyric
Because it shows
That when you're
Angry
At someone
You need to let it
Go
Because it's
Not worth
Your happiness

So don't be
Angry
Smile at people
Who hurt you
Because it'll
Hurt them
In the long run.

-e.w.

You liked me because I have blonde hair
and blue eyes that remind you of the ocean
"Stop it"
you repeated over and over because
when you looked at me
you got lost in my eyes

but I was never into you
in that way

but when we sat in my car
and just talked about everything
and anything
I thought for a second you could be real
and different

but a week later
I was shown the real you
the one who didn't want to talk to me anymore
because you only wanted
to **** me

but you were my friend
and you were the person
I could talk to
about anything
and everything

but I was just another girl
that you wanted to be
another notch in your bed post.

-e.w.

The horrors fill
Each inch
Of my shaking body
As I think about the future
And how I don't think
I'll be able to make it
That far
Because one after another
My demons
Come to see me
One by one
Like an assembly line
Of my deepest
Fears.

-e.w.

You make me better
you make me happy
you make me not worry
you make me not sad
you make me not think
about anything other than

you

-e.w.

I know I shouldn't worry
because I trust you more than anyone

but when she's over there
and I'm no where near

and she could hold you
and give you everything you deserve
and I can't even see you face to face

maybe she's better for you
than I'll ever be

-e.w.

Please give me
The strength
I need
To end everything
Tonight
Because no one
Will care
And no one
Will notice
As I am
Gone from this
World
Because you all
Will go about
Your normal lives
As I disappear
In the blink of an
Eye.

-e.w.

I'm 15
And yet
I still cry
Like a baby
When we drive you
To the airport
For yet another
Business trip

And I remember
When I was
Just 9
And you
Went away
For a year
And it was like
A part of me
Was taken away

So now
Whenever you leave
I'm always afraid
You'll never come
Back.

-e.w.

you told me
in order to keep your job
you would have to be out of town
every
other
week

do you realize how much that ripped me apart?
you're the only person I trust
or can rely on
and hasn't left me alone in this darkness

I know you need to do this
I do
but I swear it's tearing me apart
even more.

-e.w.

I'm a failure
A ****-up
I'm someone
Who will never get anywhere
With this stupid thing
Called life

Because I'm getting
That terrible
C- in Chemistry
Because I've never been good
At science

And I missed
Working on the project today
With my group
Who probably thinks
That I'm lazy now
Because somehow
It totally slipped my mind

I try my hardest
But things slip my mind
And I'm not the best
At science
Or math

But my dad
Expects so much of me
And my brain
Races with this idea
That I could actually
Turn out okay
That I could
End up leaving this hell
Called high school
And go to college
And be smart

But then I have
Days like this
Where I forget something
And that whole
Idea
Crumbles to the
Ground.

-e.w.

to the blue eyed boy
who used to consume every piece
of my writing,
who introduced me to the band
that saved my life,
who made me feel
a little less lonely

save a spot for me on the other side
and rest easy,
okay?

-e.w.

I breathe you in
Like a puff of stale
Cigarette smoke

You fill my lungs
With confusion
And a hint of
Regret

Because part of me wishes
I would never have
Met you

But part of you lingers,
Like the smell of cigarettes
On a chain smoker,
Stained all over my body

-e.w.

My phone buzzes
My best friend's name
Flashes across the screen
As I smile with joy

Her voice soothes
Even my darkest demons

She knows exactly what to say
Even when I'm at my lowest

She knows what I'm feeling;
She's going through it too

An hour ticks by,
but I wish the night and phone call
Would last forever

Because she's the only one
Who can make me laugh,
When I want to cry

Make me smile,
When I feel like
Slicing my skin open once again

Even though she's 3 hours away,
I feel like we're closer than
Ever.

-e.w.

It's this constant feeling
I'd be better off dead
lying six feet under
using my last breath to tell you
I love you
one more time
even though I know
you still wouldn't say it back

-e.w.

you scare me
you scare me so ******* much
because when I think about you
I think about all the crazy things
I would do with
and for you

-e.w.

I have
This idea
In my mind
That the world and
You
Would be
Better off without
Me.
Because all I do
Is make you
Worried and completely
Stressed out
And I hate knowing
That you've done
All these things
For me
And that I will never
In a million years
Be able to
Pay you back.
And I am so sorry
I am not
The daughter
That you dreamed of
Because I have
That C in Chemistry
And I'm not the best
At making
Friends
And I'm not the girl
All the boys
Fall head over
Heels for
And I'm never
Going to be
The daughter that you
Deserve.

-e.w.

I've always known
I was never
Cut out for this.
Cut out for
Living
Cut out for
Surviving
Or whatever it is
We're doing
Day by
*******
Day.

-e.w.

there's
always
days
like
this
where
i
wish
i
didn't
exist.

-e.w.

I wish you would just
Disappear
Like I wish
I could

Because your face
Isn't nice
To see
When I'm trying
My hardest
To get over you
Because I know
You don't like me
And I know
I never meant
Anything
To you

But how do you
Get over someone
Who was never
Yours?

-e.w.

These plain white
Hospital walls
Linger through my mind
As the IV in my arm
Pumps me full of sleepy
Drugs

Your voice lingers in my
Ears

Telling me your disappointed
Telling me I should have told
Someone,
Anyone

But who would listen?

I'm in this state
Of never ending
Sadness

You tell me
"I'll get over it"
That it's
"Just a phase"

Then this must be
The longest phase
In existence

You tell them I don't need help
I don't need medication

But I crave it
Because maybe
It could finally give me a
Relief

But I leave this place
With nothing more
Then when I came

And leaving with nothing solved
Coming home with just
Your disappointment
Towards
Me

-e.w.

I'm done.
And I know
I've said it
Over and over
But this time
I think
I mean it
Because I'm
Too stupid,
Too ugly,
Too broken,
And too
Done
To be here
Anymore.

-e.w.

I've never had drugs
Even close to me

But when this sadness
Doesn't seem to leave,
My mind wanders places
Where I could see myself

Taking a drag from that cigarette,
Pumping the liquid through my veins,
Or pressing it to my tongue

Anything,
To take away this pain

Take away this pain
From always being second best
Or being ignored

I would do anything

Anything,
To just be okay.

-e.w.

I let my mind race
and I let the thoughts seep into everything I am
and I let them control me

because I'm not strong enough
to block out the things that are probably true

and I'm not strong enough
to love you without doubting it

-e.w.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry* I'm like this
I'm sorry I'm stupid
I'm sorry I'm mean
I'm sorry that when someone
Tries to love me
I push them away
Because once they start to
They always leave

Because right now
I'm not ready
For someone to love
Every inch
Of the parts of me
That I hate
With a burning
Passion

And don't say
"It's okay."
And that you can
Wait for me

Because you may
Be waiting on me
Forever.

Because maybe
I'll never be strong enough
To trust someone
With the beating thing
In my chest
That breaks
Oh-so
Easily.

-e.w

You told me
That you're so much
Happier

Because you have
That new trainer
Who's going to
Help you
Lose the weight
Because you say you're
Fat

Because your parents
Saw the scars
That cover your left
Wrist
So they are trying
To lighten up
On you

Because your parents
Are being nicer
About your grades
So you won't have so much
Stress

Because they finally
Noticed
That you were
Close to the
Edge.

And I am so
Sorry
Because I sit here
And talk to you
Saying how
Happy I am
For you

When in reality
I'm not.

Because now
You're just like
The rest of them
Telling me that it's
Easy
To get over
This seed of
Sadness
That grew deep
Inside me
And won't seem
To stop
Growing.

Because I am
Happy for you
That is was
Easy
Because you're
My best friend
And I love you

But no one
Realizes
That I am slowly
Dying inside
Day by day
And that I am
Quietly pleading
For help

And you
Don't understand
That I may
Never
Get past this.

-e.w.

i ****** up my hands
hoping to feel something,
anything
but I'm still empty and numb
and want to keep punching walls
until the bones are
shattered

-e.w.

there's nothing left in me
that believes I'm enough for you

but I don't think
I'll ever be enough for anyone
anymore

-e.w.

I did it.

And I tried reading your text
over and over
to see if I could get
the evil thoughts
to leave my mind.
To see if I could pull away
the sharp metal
pressed against my skin.

But your words
meant nothing
in that moment.
When all I could think about
was how I was going
to leave this world

-e.w.

I hate  
When people
Make these rude
Comments like
"Anxiety isn't a big
deal. Just be
calm."
Or,
"Depression isn't real,
You just need to be
happy."
Or,
"Mental illness' are just
excuses for lazy
people."

Because these people
Don't understand
How terrible
Anxiety can be
And how it can leave you
Paralyzed.

Or how monstrous
Depression can be
And how
The demons will visit
Late into the
Night
Or even say hello
When the sun
Is still in the
Sky

Or how
Any mental illness
Can leave you
Shaking to the
Bone
Or crying
All the time
Or leaving you
Feeling like no one
Cares.

Because it's not just an
"Excuse."

-e.w.

After almost a year
Of carrying around this
Weight
I came out to the two people
Who are closest to me

And now,
I think I'm the happiest
I've ever been

-e.w.

The only way anymore
For me to feel
Just an ounce of
Happiness
Is to listen to the music
That fills my ears
And fills the empty cracks
Inside my heart
That ache with pain
But when I hear
Those few notes
And that voice
That could compare to
My very own angels
I am
Free

Even for just a moment
I can forget
About the depression,
Anxiety
And all the other horrors
That fill my body
And crazy, mixed-up
Mind.

-e.w.

what hurts the most
is looking back to how it used to be
when I was happy
when you were happy
when everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt
but now everything hurts
and I can't stand to talk to you
or even think about you

and yet,
you're still the only thing on my
mind

-e.w.

Goodbyes are so much easier
When it's the last one
You'll ever have to
Say.

-e.w.

I say goodbyes
Quite often
Because once someone
Enters into
My life
They seem to leave
As if
They were never
Here.

-e.w.

Sometimes I feel like maybe
You actually realize that I'm having
A harder time with "growing up"
Than you did

Because you go on and on
About how you were the most
Perfect
Kid in the whole world

Because you got A's
All through school
And you had friends
That adored you
And you collected
Those **** records
That you probably love
More than anything

And besides having terrible parents
That were always drunk
You were a perfect kid
Who lost his hair at 5
And that didn't phase you because
You knew you had potential
To do whatever you wanted
As long as you got perfect grades
And as long as you were
Perfect

But you don't understand
That sometimes (most of the time)
I feel like I am the person in the world
With the absolute least amount of potential

But you don't understand
Because you were perfect
And in your daughter's eyes,
I see it and
Know it's true.

All I want
Is for this
******* headache
To leave me alone
Because for the past
Year and a half
The only pain
I ever feel
Is the one
Residing in my
Head

-e.w.

I have this thing
Growing deep inside me
Coursing through my veins
Like a ****

It's attached to my heart
Making me emotionless,
helpless, heartless

Because it's eating away
At the beating thing
That keeps me breathing
And keeps me going
But it's slowly getting
Smaller

-e.w.

God,
Why does he
Have this affect
On me?
Because one minute
I feel like
I can live
Without him
Like I'll be fine
But the next
When he talks to me
And shows that
Gorgeous smile
I feel like
All my walls
Come crashing
Down.

-e.w.

everyday
I
wait
for
hope
that
will
never
come

-e.w.

I'm trying to be happy

I'm trying to be positive

I'm trying
for you

-e.w.