I had been clean
From the red lines
That cover my arms
That appear
Each time the voices
In my head
Get louder
And meaner

I had been clean
For 2 weeks
An all time
Record
For me

But I broke

I broke because
The voices filled my mind
With evil and
Self-loathing
Thoughts
And I just couldn't
Handle it

And somewhere
Deep in my dying heart
I deserve it.

-e.w.

We fought
and fought
thinking it was just
petty little fights
But you were different
than when we first met

Saying things like
"I would die if you ever left me"
or
"We're soulmates and we'll never
break up"

And hey,
months ago I was naive
and stupid
and thought maybe that was true

But you said
the nastiest things to me
Making me feel worse than I did
without you

Telling me
No one else would ever "stick around"
Telling me
I need help

I ended it
because I waited for an
apology
that never came

And maybe it's for the
best

Because I was never one for
forgiving
And you were never good with
apologies.

-e.w.

I say I'm sorry
Like it's going out of
Style

Because I know
I've been a **** person,
Maybe even the ******* person
In the world

And I can't say just how
Sorry
I am

Because you'll never
understand.

-e.w.

it’s been over a year since I felt the love leave
well I could feel it from time to time
but not like it was at the start

and I’m not saying we just got out of our ‘honeymoon’ phase
I’m telling you everything good was just gone

it was as if someone came in the night
and stole the love from our hearts
and the light in my eyes
when I look at you

now I can only look at you with sadness
and a shattered heart
wishing you’d come back and pick up the pieces
and sow them back together

"Things change,
people change"
I've heard this over and over
but god,
I really didn't want this
or you
to change

-e.w.

Tonight I
Wrote those notes
That family and friends
Always find
Once their loved one
Has been long
Gone from this
world.
I wrote it
With such ease
And it seemed to come
Naturally
As I started out with
A simple
"Dear Dad"
Or,
"Dear brother"
Or,
"Dear best friend"
And the words
Seemed to slip out
Like I had
Been keeping it hidden
Under my tongue
All this
Time.

-e.w.

You make me feel
Like there is
Something wrong
With me

Because you
Told me
You liked me
And that you would
Do all of these things
With me
And told me
I was the most
Beautiful girl
You have ever seen

You made me feel
For once
In my life
That I actually
Mattered to
Someone
That someone actually
Cared enough
To text me back
Or worry
How I was doing

But I realized
It was all
Just another game;
I turned into
Putty in your hands
And I let you
Play and tear
At the strings
Of my heart
And at the strings
Of what was
Keeping me
Alive

So, guess what?

*******.

-e.w.

I have this
Reaccuring dream
That you won't
Make it
To my wedding
Or even
My graduation
And it
Haunts me
Because I honestly
Don't think
I can make it
Without you

Because you're my
Favorite person
To talk to
And you're the man
That raised me

But with
All your
Diseases
Coursing through
Your heavy heart

And how you
Snore
Louder than
A cow
When you sleep.
And when
I was younger
I thought it was
Annoying and
Sleep depriving for me
But you told me,
Like it was
No big deal,
That one day
You may never
Wake up
Because the
Snoring means
That you can't breathe
When you sleep

And the
Doctors say
And you predict
You may not
Make it
Too much
Longer.

-e.w.

I can feel you losing interest
I can feel you leaving
or, at least,
wanting to

I know I'm hard to deal with
I know I get so sad that everything hurts
I know I get so sad that I hurt everyone
but I swear I love you

But I understand if you need to go
because there's someone out there
who's going to treat you exactly how you should be
someone who doesn't get sad
and push you away
someone who can handle the world
and doesn't think about leaving constantly

I understand if you don't love me anymore
I don't either

-e.w.

You remembered.

Somehow with keeping up
With all of your
"Friends"
You remembered
That my sister
Wasn't doing too well
And that
I
Wasn't doing too well

But I knew
By your voice
And movement
That you
Honestly didn't care
That you just
Wanted to seem
Friendly

And all these
Small acts of
friendliness
Are the things
That keep making fall
When I've almost
Gotten over
You.

-e.w.

I talk on the phone with you
Every night

And I promise
There's not a day that goes by
That I don't miss you

-e.w.

I've been ****** up
and ****** over
for as long as I can remember

you took this little girl
who had hope in everything
and turned her into a resentful, anxious, depressed girl
who lost hope in everything

including herself

-e.w.

I told myself
I need to stop
Letting you break me

It's unintentional on your part
But it keeps happening

I keep loving you
With everything I have

But yet you won't even
Give me the time of day

You say you're confused
About your feelings
That you don't know
If you love me
Or someone new

I'm the happiest
When I see you
Or receive a single text from you
Or even talk to you

Because somehow
I can see your face light up with joy
When I see you

As I begin to break once again.

It tears me apart
When I want so badly
To pursue the one thing
In this world
That makes me truly happy

But it's so hard
When there are so many people
Who are so much
Better
Than me
And I know
I'll never
Make it out
On top

-e.w.

I know I shouldn't miss you
I know it
With every fiber
In my dying body
Because I know
When you lie awake at night
Or,
In the middle of class
Or,
Even when everything else
Has crossed your mind,
And there's nothing more to think about
I know I will never cross your mind

And I know,
As sure as the blood
Runs through these veins,
You will never
Miss me

Because I was nothing
To you

-e.w.

I lied
Telling you
That we're not friends
And that
Your friend
Is "hotter" than you
Because somehow
I wanted to make you
Feel how I do

And when you joked
Saying that
I was your girlfriend
Because you got
Defensive
When your friend said it
I smiled
So wide
But I then was hit
With the realization
That you
Already have a
Girlfriend
And that I am
Just another girl
That will never
Mean anything more
To you
Then just as a
Friend.

Or,
Whatever the hell
This is
Between us.

-e.w.

I keep crying
and I can't seem to stop

I thought I was doing better
I thought I was okay
I thought I had dug myself out of the never ending hole
but I got ****** back in

and this time you're not even trying to help

-e.w.

For the first time in awhile
I took a bath
And I went outside
And just sat there
For the first time
In a long time
And thought about
Everything
For the longest time

And it was the best feeling
In the whole world

-e.w.

I never meant
To fall in love

But when you smiled
And called me babe
And told me
I was always on your mind

How could I not?

-e.w.

Life is hell
Love is poison

But sometimes you find that person
You'd follow though hell
And get sick for

-e.w.

I'm trying
to get better,
to not be sad,
to be okay

I promise.

-e.w.

I'm losing sleep
And my body aches
From all the weight it carries

I'm losing time
That I could spend
Being happy, or at least
Happier than this

I'm losing love
As I push people away
Saying that I'm poison
That I don't want them to stay

I'm losing my mind
As I wrack my brain
Trying to figure out
Why I'm even still alive

I'm losing myself
With each passing day
Telling everyone that I'm fine
That the sadness will just go away

But I'm never okay
And I'm starting to think
That maybe I never will be.

-e.w.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I can't write
Happy poems

Because I try to write them
To maybe
Cheer me up

But nothing comes out,
But ****** mistakes
And broken pieces


I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I'm just not
Happy

Because I try to
Look on the bright side
And think about
The future

But I can't
When everything is
Falling apart
And I'm left here
Alone


But I promise that
I wish I could be happy
But I just
Can't

And trust me,
I've tried

-e.w.

I've come to the
realization
that I will never be
strong enough
to end my life

And that makes me
want to end it
even more

-e.w.

I opened up to you
Told you about the sadness
That sweeps over me

You told me you have it too
That you feel like no one cares

I care.

I tried to be there for you,
wanting you to be there for me

But all I got
Was ignored texts
And helpless nights
Without you there

I hurt
But all I got was ignored

Oh,
I'm sorry
I really thought you were different

But you don't care
Just like everyone else.

-e.w.

I
promise
that
I'm
trying
my
hardest
but
I'm
thinking
that
I'm
not
going
to
make
it.

-e.w.

I'm sorry
That I didn't want to talk
But I promise
I didn't want to talk to
Anyone
I wanted to entangle
Myself in the sadness
Because I think it has finally won
These slits on my arm
Show that I have lost this battle
And the evil thoughts
Coursing through my terrible mind
Show that I have lost
Part of me thought that I could possibly
Win
But that part was
Incredibly wrong
Because today has been the
Worst
And I lost the person
Who I cared for most
Because my best friend
Thinks I'm intentionally
Pushing her away
When really
It's just these bad thoughts
Telling me
That she doesn't care
Either
But I promise
That I have been trying
My hardest
But like I've said
Over and over and over
Again

I have never been good enough
And I never
Will
Be.

-e.w.

You used to look at me like I was
everything to you

now do you ever even look at me
at all?

-e.w.

It seems like
Everyone I know
Is finally
Getting the help
And love
They deserve
Because they've finally
Grabbed the rope
To get out of
This pit
And to finally
Be happy

And I don't know
What I'm doing
Wrong

Or why
I can't seem to
Grab onto
The rope
Dangling right infront
Of my
Eyes.

-e.w.

my head is killing me
from slamming it against the wall
over and over
trying to stop the voices
trying to just stop thinking

but I think the voices are louder now
and my thoughts are eating me alive

-e.w.

I try to write poems
Filled with love and daffodils
And pretty ****

But all that comes out
Are the lies that I'm hiding
And the things
Behind the mask


I try to write poems
About how I once loved a boy
Who loved me back
And we were beautiful

But that would be a lie
Because I have always been the one
Who loved
And got nothing in return


I try to write poems about happiness
About how I love life
Grateful for every breath

But that would be a lie
Because at night
When there's no one there to help
The depression creeps up
Like an old friend that I've tried to ignore

Oh, I swear
I've tried to ignore.

-e.w.

Falling for people I can't have
has kinda become a hobby of mine

either in the sense where
they'll never like me in that way
or where they're thousands of miles away

it's almost like my heart yearns
for the chance to be broken
or be ripped to shreds
by the inevitable that's yet to come

because I can't touch them,
or hold them,
or kiss them,
or mark them with a simple thing like
holding hands, saying
"this is mine
and I love it so"

Maybe I'm doomed forever
to want everything I can't have
or be stuck with all this love to give

but no one to give it to.

-e.w.

You had me
wrapped around your finger
but as you cracked your knuckles
ready to hit me one more time
with the anger filling your eyes
as mine filled with tears
I still held tighter
than I ever have before.

-e.w.

They say cigarettes shorten your life
Like it's a bad thing

To put that nicotine
Between your lips
As the smoke slowly slips away

But they say it's a bad thing,
That we'll lose 10, 12, 15 years

So I would smoke more
20, 30, 40 packs a day

Anything to lose those years

Because what if I'm done with all of this?
The party has gone on too long

And I want to go home.

-e.w.

I always seem
To describe you
As nicotine

Because even if I'm
Sober
From the way
You make me feel

There's still that lingering
Addiction
Flowing through my veins.

-e.w.

I liked you
       But I know
           You don't like me too,
                                 But it's okay
                                    No one seems to
                                                     Anyway

-e.w.

I've been called
A "self-loathing *****"
Too many times
To count on
Two hands
Just in the past
Week

But I'm sorry
That I hate
Every inch
Of this body that I'm
Trapped in

And I'm sorry
That every word
That slips from my lips,
I look at
As a huge mistake

And I'm sorry
That you think
I'm just doing it
All for "show"

When in reality
There's something
Deep in my chest
That makes me
So depressed
And it
Just
Won't
Leave.

-e.w.

I was 6
when my best friend  
left me sitting on the trampoline
as he ran to play with someone else
and I cried and
I was shattered

I was 10
when my parents told me
their marriage had run it's course
but things would
"stay the same"
but I quietly cried and
I was shattered

I was 13
when I first left a scar
on my own body,
hating who I had become
and as the blood dripped
I didn't cry but
I was shattered

I was 14
when my own mother
acted like our relationship had run it's course
and she kicked me out
and she never said sorry
and I tried not to cry but
I was shattered

I was 15
when I realized I was a different
because I liked the girl in my math class
who looked like she could make flowers grow
with her smile
and people told me it wasn't right
and "why me?" ran through my head
and I was scared
and I cried quietly and
I was shattered

Now I'm 16
and I've never had my first kiss
and all my friends run around kissing boys
like we're all gonna die tomorrow
and date guys for fun
just for something to do
and I wonder what's wrong with me
and I cry and
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and school doesn't come easy
like it used to
I was honor roll
and I skipped a grade
and I was a "star student"
because I knew how to make essays flow
and solve that simple math equation
or know the president's order
but my brain's fried
and all the motivation I had has disappeared without a trace
and my dad yells at me for my falling grades
and I don't cry but
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and I smile to avoid the constant
"are you okay?" and "what's wrong?"
because my head is such a mess
I don't even know what's wrong
as I dig a little deeper
and watch my skin drip red
and wonder where I went wrong
and I hold back tears and
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and I'm trying to be happy
I'm trying to be happy
I'm trying to be happy
and I can't cry and
I'm putting myself back together.

-e.w.

I felt comfort when
you said I was
always on your mind,
always on the tip of your tongue
always the one you wanted
in your arms

and I hope
it stays that way

-e.w.

I know
I keep saying it
Over and over
That this
Is it
Tonight
Is the night
And then
I find out
I'm not strong enough.

But hopefully
Tonight will be
The night
And I won't
Have to see
Your face tomorrow
Or
Ever again

And I won't
Have to fake
That terrible smile
That fades
Into tears
Every
*******
Night

Because I can't
Take any of this
Anymore

I've lost myself
I'm a mess
And I will never
Be able
To untangle
The poisonous weeds
Wrapped around my
Heart
And my weak
Soul.

-e.w.

I'm not a jealous person
but when it comes to you
I see everyone as a threat

because I know in the blink of an eye
you could leave me
for someone who's so much better
and prettier
and nicer
and stronger

for someone's who's
everything I'm not

-e.w.

I hit,
Scratch,
Cut

At all the imperfections that line my body.

There is a monster
Swimming around
Bumping into my organs
Scratching up my insides

It gets stronger every day
Wanting to get out

It points out the flaws
Makes me weak
Shreds up my hope

I'm weak.

I lay in bed at night
Pondering the thought of sleep
Deep, deep sleep

Thinking if I had the courage to,
I would be long gone by now

But something makes me hold on
I don't know what it is;

But some days,
I wish it would just let go.

-e.w.

You said
Tomorrow is a new day
That we can leave
All our baggage
Behind us
And start over

And that hit me
Because those are the words
I've been dying
To hear

And of course
It came from the man
Who had been singing on stage
And keeping me alive
And letting me know

I am never
Alone.

-e.w.

I often think
About how much strength
It would take
To leave this world
With that tan rope
Lying in my
Garage

Or maybe
That black
Revolver
Hidden not so carefully
In the basement

Or maybe
It's just as easy
To open up
Those brown
Cabinet doors
And reach my hand in
To grab
The big bottle
Of beautiful
Pills

But most days
I am far too
Weak
To do any
Of these options

But some days
I have all the
Strength
In the world
And could easily
Just get up and
Leave.

-e.w.

I can feel myself change
when the depression leeches onto my heart
and my head

it ***** the life out of me
and leaves me with nothing left
except this hollow heart
and useless corpse
that I constantly want to destroy

-e.w.

I thought I finally found someone
who fit me perfectly
and who would honestly be there
no matter what
but now I'm sitting here on my bathroom floor
for the 7th time this week
crying my eyes out
wanting it all to go away
wanting it all to end
because you told me you'd listen
you told me you'd love me
you told me you'd never leave

if all that's true,
where are you?

-e.w.