looking through the box you left behind
(y)our memories
bits that made you up
anarchy, literature
five bracelets, mouse ears
i see my face here.

the Christmas gift I wrote you
when I had no money left
but you knew I spent it all
our first holiday

a picture of us in paradise
facing your namesake
two sith and I
looking at you with innocence
honest, earnest love

left behind with your handwriting
"Office and Important Things to Keep"

i like making patterns in the words that i write
when i am planning on sending them your way
i suppose i hope you find comfort in the symmetry
that the pictures i paint are calming
and the sea of ideas i let flood in
are warm waves of "yes, i am sure"
and "it has always been okay."
i want to be a sun-kissed plot of sand
on a day where the air feels cool but doesn't move
a warm fire on a cool night

i want to be the feeling i get when i am drunk
and surrounded by everyone i love
staring at blurry stars in the sky

in a small, 15 minute window
where i tried to craft every word in your image

i reminded you that in front of fireworks,
in front of world wonders,
skyscrapers and the stars--
i find myself looking at you instead

all of my nightmares are becoming half-realities
and i am the only person chasing them
i'm waiting on too many half-answers
on things i can only half-see
i feel only half-me

my eyes adjusted to the dark last night
of the light that fades in, flickering
in the bathroom where i have spent my worst times
i saw disappointment in the mirror again
maybe someday i will learn moderation
and stop desperately trying to reach
the bottoms of cups and plates
maybe i will stop wanting to forget
someday,
maybe i will stop having to trace outlines
in the mirror of what i want to see
changing the shape of my jaw
parting my hair differently

half-drim drunk lights
in a half-remembered drunk night
there is always a purpose that i am forgetting
a reason why i need to keep my cup empty
i want to know every moment i spend with you
instead of missing out on myself