Someone once asked me If I was okay.
I can’t remember the context of the question, or the person who asked.
But I can remember how I answered.
Could remember the way my mind thought of thousands of answers.
Could remember wanting to say no.

Heart pleading and begging, just let them in. While my mind told my heart to shut the hell up.  
Can still remember, heart ignoring the mind, screaming tell them.

Tell them how much it hurts to breathe, that every breath you take, is like trying to breathe in the thick black smoke from a fire. Even though theres something still kicking inside you that fights so hard for every little breath.

That your skin itches every time you see a knife because, even though you've never used one on yourself before, you wonder how good it would feel dragged across your skin, painting lines of barley there control with your own blood.

That you can’t lay on your side because sometimes you can hear your heartbeat that way and yours, it irritates you.

That there are two bottles of prescribed pain pills sitting on your nightstand and sometimes you just want to sleep.

That, No, you’re not as strong as you pretend to be and no, you’re not afraid of the monsters in your closet anymore, because the ones inside your head are much worse.

That you’re tired of lying awake at night staring at the ceiling as you remember every little mistake you’ve ever made.

I also remember my minds reminder that its not their burden to bear
I remember the most clearly pulling on the mask, I have spent so many years perfecting over my face, giving my best plastic smile and stating confidently, careful to keep the shake out of my voice,
“Of Course”.

Dear Dad,
I know that you're somewhere else,
hopefully somewhere beautiful,
somewhere where you aren't in pain anymore.
It all just happened so fast,
Christmas Eve I was out to dinner with you
later that night you were gone.
Trust me,
that was the worst present I've ever gotten.
It hit me
that it'll be 17 months without you in 10 days
and I still pick up my phone and try to call you
but then I remember you aren't there anymore
and I can't.
That's what kills me the most,
because the people that have their Dads to talk too
treat them like ****
because they don't know how it feels
when they can't talk to him at all anymore.
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't have treated you the way I did,
because I can't help but hate myself for not
hugging you back more and kissing you more
and telling you how much I actually care.
Ever since I lost you Dad
it's been really hard trying to let people in
I don't want too lose someone that means so much to me
it killed me inside
especially losing you because
now who's going to walk me down the isle?
or kiss my baby girl's head
and hold her like you once held me.
It's night like tonight
when I cry myself to sleep and ask myself
a million questions about why you had to leave me,
when I needed you the most
and how I'm going to have to get over the fact
that you aren't going to be there to watch me grow up anymore.
I know that you're my guardian angel and
that you look down over me
I just wish that I would've said I love you more
and got to say my actual final goodbye

Love...
A word so easily used, yet almost always abused.
Love.
What I used to say to you.
I love you.
Now the words are stuck in my throat and drip off the tip of my tongue bit by bit like honey, since the day you hurt me more than words could ever explain.
Yet after all of this all you could say to me was "I love you, I never meant to hurt you.
I love you, I'll never do it again.
I love you"
The words coming out of your mouth, rattling my bones, making me lean towards you and need you again.
You are a succubus luring me to my death,
and all I can do is look into your deceiving eyes helplessly and let you take my soul.
Love.
A word I thought I knew but am now learning that I truly know nothing about.
Love.
You tell me you love me yet your still walking on clouds as you are watching me drown underneath you.
Love.
And yet through all of this pain blossoming throughout my mind all I can think is that I'll love you forever.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.....
~P.S.

When I was sad
I asked you to hold my water
and as I emptied the glass into your hands
you began to cry
seeing me with the empty glass
the tears falling
into your open hands
you created a lake between the seams of your fingers
nourishing it with your own
and when I finally held my glass out again
when I had the strength to carry it
I asked why you were crying
you told me
"I merely hoped my tears were enough to make you see the glass a little more towards half full"

and that's when I knew I didn't deserve you

when i told you i had loved you all this time
you said you had no idea
and that makes sense because
while i was looking at you with loving eyes
you were looking at her the same way